NickP Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 My gf cheated on me 8 months ago, with a guy she knew she would have completely no future with, just because he was moving away to another continent a week after. Yet, she cheated on me. We were both having problems, we fought a lot, called each other names. :confused:But I never stopped loving her. When we would fight, I'd think about how she was. And I'd always wonder if it was my fault at all that we were fighting so much. But, whilst I was doing that, she was leaning on another guy, telling him all our problems and soon, she claimed she had feelings for him and finally she cheated on me. After she told me what she'd done, at first, she wanted space and time to absorb everything. I was afraid of letting her go. When I saw the way she was reacting, I backed off and I started ignoring all her calls and texts, and it stayed quiet for 3 months. After 3 months, she started trying to contact me again to ask for another chance. I never spoke to her once, and she did what she did to move on, she partied hard, drank a lot, got drunk many times. She went on many dates with other guys (though she says they weren't dates) but she's claimed that through all that, she never got physical with anyone. She claims that she was always still mine. However, till today, she still talks to that other guy. Just yesterday, after 8 months, I responded and told her we could meet. When we met, she looked the same, and b4 I knew it, all this emotions I spent months tuckin away came flooding back, and once again I was lost. She wants another chance. I don't know if I still love her. I curse myself for choosing to meet her, but I too knew that I needed closure because I was having trouble moving on myself. I never understood why or what happened. And she explained that yesterday. It didn't answer ANY of the questions I had about why she would throw away what we had for a fling with another guy. She seemed to have some excuses, but in her eyes, she genuinely looked like she knew she made a mistake. I fear that I'm reading her wrong though cos I'm so sure she's changed in some ways in so much time. What do I do?! I don't know if she deserves a chance or not. I just watched the flick Sex and the City.. and cary was right.. people do forgive one another for mistakes. She says this was a mistake, and she says she's so much wiser now. She knows never to do it again. But will it happen again? What happens if it does. I'm only 22.. is it right for me to be so deeply into someone who's cheated on me? Why can't I get over her. This is probably the worst ramble any of you must've read, but I had to let it out. I don't know what to do and I need advice/thoughts. I just need perspectives. Please lend me some. When I speak with her, it seems like everything's alright. When she and I first heard one another laugh on the phone yesterday, we both cried for 5 mins, b4 I changed the topic to something else. It was just so surreal talking to her again. She's been chasing me for 5 months. Does she genuinely still love me? Or is she just missing the company of the other guy, who's not far away in a separate country?!?!
TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 You did not just admit to watching "Sex in the City"!? Give me your man card!
foxh1234 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 All I can tell you is my ex cheated on me and I would never take her back. The trust is gone. If you cannot trust her, what kind of relationship could you have. For me, cheating is a deal breaker.
justaman99 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I believe in forgiveness and that people make mistakes. It's only natural that we don't make the right decisions in a relationship sometimes. We do stupid things when our hearts are hurting and our mind isn't clear. Cheating however doesn't apply. I might be able to forgive her but I would never forget. The thought that it could happen again would destroy any chance of the relationship building to a level that I would want. The trust could never be 100% again. -Just
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 forgiving someone means allowing yourself to let go of the pain they've dealt you. It doesn't give the other person a carte blanch approval to stomp all over you again. That is your first issue to deal with: do you want this crap hanging over your head, all those bad feelings of what happened before? other real issue is what do you want out of a relationship with your ex? To be able to peacefully move on? To reconcile, try to work things out?
Keridan Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 The sex in the city thing stands out to me, too. Lacking estrogen with her gone? I personally couldn't forgive cheating. I could never do it and could never forgive it. How can you cheat on someone and still claim to love them? It's just sick. I do believe in forgiveness, but I think it's impossible to forget something like that. It would never again be out of my mind. I would never be able to be with her and not be an overbearing, controlling ass because I couldn't trust anything she said. I might be able to some day call her friend again, but never would a vow from her mean anything to me.
JustinWolf Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I'm serious too about this ... Sex AND THE CITY!?!? Don't trust her, if you ever get back with her you may end up hurting again but if you got the balls to think that you wanna forgive her and see how it goes and if she does cheat then too bad, then go ahead. BUT! If you think that if something happens you'll be back to square one, then just forget and move on. I suggest moving on...
Angel1111 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Just my experience but usually the dynamics (i.e. problems) between people in relationships rarely go away. So whatever problems you had before, you'll have them again. But by then, you'll have wasted 10 years of your life and finding yourself right back at square one. Nothing has really changed except time and space. The problems, arguments, misgivings will all come back full-force in a short time if the two of you get back together. That aside, this is not a matter of forgiving but more a matter of you setting the bar higher as to what you expect and will tolerate in relationships. If you don't make the decision now to be unwavering on this one issue - that you can be forgiving of someone who cheats, but they don't get to be in your life any longer, then this monster will rear it's ugly head again in your life, somewhere down the road. I know it's hard because you have missed her and all the old feelings have re-surfaced. But this is not a good relationship. If someone cheats on you while you're dating - the phase when you're usually totally in love - then when things really cool off as they often do in marriage, there's even a greater chance that she'll do this again. I say wish her the best and move on.
AriaIncognito Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 The difference between your life and Sex and the city, aside from the fact that one is a tv show/movie (lol) is that Carrie didn't cheat on Big, and Big didn't cheat on Carrie. What she had to forgive was the fact that they broke up/got back several times and she was hurt by it. SHe had to forgive the fact that he wasn't what she needed when she needed it, back when they first dated and such. Infidelity, IMHO, is a bigger deal. Knowing that someone has chosen to cheat on you, is a dealbreaker for me. Think about your ex with someone else. That occurred while she wasn't your ex. She disregarded your feelings and went off and cheated. Do you really think that's the best you deserve? I don't.
serendip Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I think the question you have to ask yourself is...are they worth forgiving? My ex cheated on me while she was visiting the west coast for possible job destinations. She then decided to move to the westcoast...and continued to cheat on me emotionally with the dude. I wasn't aware of anything until she told me(without telling me what really happened). I fought myself but I really forgave her only to be cheated on again. It hurt so bad that I seek revenge by manipulating her...it was horrible. She asked for forgiveness last Christmas...I never bother replying. Then we finally saw each other since the breakup in March and aired out some stuff. While it was good to air out stuff...I still felt she didn't deserve to be forgiven. It's been almost 4 mnths since I contacted her...she's been contacting me but I've been ignoring it. For me I know someday I will forgive her and release the pain she has caused...but I can never forget the hurt that she cause me.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Break it down to the two separate issues: Does she deserve to be forgiven?Does she deserve a second chance?For #1, no, it's completely up to you if you want to forgive her or not. But...you need to forgive yourself and let go of the pain, anger and hurt for your own personal equilibrium and happiness. For #2, no, she doesn't deserve a second chance but then IMO, cheating is a non-negotiable deal-breaker.
kyta Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I say get rid, cheating is the end of a relationship. I for gave mine wks ago but i dont want her back, i cant trust her, i dont belive anything she would say to me, so as far as im concerned its the end. Let the other guy have her now, let him deal with her.
serendip Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Then there's a argument that people do make mistakes and deserve to be forgiven. Good people sometimes do bad things. It's not the action (doing something bad) that necessarily makes a person bad. The action after they did the bad thing is more indicative of the depth of badness in a person. (Sorrow, admitting the error, attempt to repair the "badness", etc. as opposed to defensiveness, claiming no responsibility, pretense of no error.) 2 of my friends cheated on their boyfriends(now they are their husbands)...but they more then made up for their mistakes. It's been 10 years since their incident and both have never come close to cheating again.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 There are also two issues to address with taking a cheater back. Can you learn to trust them again, enough to not allow your insecurities to dominate? Can they be trusted in the future, when times get rocky in your relationship? You have so much of a life to look forward to. Why not enjoy it with someone who you don't have to watch your back with?
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 My gf cheated on me 8 months ago, with a guy she knew she would have completely no future with, just because he was moving away to another continent a week after. Yet, she cheated on me. dump her an never look back, and no...she doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. We were both having problems, we fought a lot, called each other names. :confused:But I never stopped loving her. When we would fight, I'd think about how she was. And I'd always wonder if it was my fault at all that we were fighting so much. But, whilst I was doing that, she was leaning on another guy, telling him all our problems and soon, she claimed she had feelings for him and finally she cheated on me. All the more reason to dump her and never look back. You will have more fights, it will be unavoidable to never fight. Every couple does it. But your so-called girlfriend confides in another guy when you fight. That aint gonna change. So get rid of her. After she told me what she'd done, at first, she wanted space and time to absorb everything. I was afraid of letting her go. Why? She is a cheater. Why would you want a cheater? When I saw the way she was reacting, I backed off and I started ignoring all her calls and texts, and it stayed quiet for 3 months. After 3 months, she started trying to contact me again to ask for another chance. I never spoke to her once, and she did what she did to move on, she partied hard, drank a lot, got drunk many times. She went on many dates with other guys (though she says they weren't dates) but she's claimed that through all that, she never got physical with anyone. Ya right. a load of bunk right there. She'll get physical with a guy while with you, but when she is a free woman she parties, goes out with a bunch of guys and does nothing? Ya right. She claims that she was always still mine. However, till today, she still talks to that other guy. She is proving to you with that alone that she isn't worthy of a 2nd chance. Stick to your guns and extract this cancer from your life completely. Or you WILL regret it. I guarantee it my man. Just yesterday, after 8 months, I responded and told her we could meet. Oh.....no.....please say you didn't. When we met, she looked the same, and b4 I knew it, all this emotions I spent months tuckin away came flooding back, and once again I was lost. She wants another chance. She doesn't deserve it. [qutoe]I don't know if I still love her. I curse myself for choosing to meet her, but I too knew that I needed closure because I was having trouble moving on myself. I never understood why or what happened. And she explained that yesterday. It didn't answer ANY of the questions I had about why she would throw away what we had for a fling with another guy. She seemed to have some excuses, but in her eyes, she genuinely looked like she knew she made a mistake. She didn't make a mistake. She did what she did with that other guy because she wanted him. It was no mistake. I fear that I'm reading her wrong though cos I'm so sure she's changed in some ways in so much time. Like what? You don't think the next time you guys have a fight if you got back with her, that she won't run to the other guy again? And this other guy will be more than happy to help her get her rocks off since she is having trouble with you:sick: What do I do?! Move on...she doesn't deserve a 2nd chance. And the last thing you need to do is take a chance on someone who has proven that cheating is part of their character. If she truly has changed, which you wouldn't really know anyway, then let some other poor sap be the guinea pig. I don't know if she deserves a chance or not. I just watched the flick Sex and the City.. and cary was right.. people do forgive one another for mistakes. OMG...you are using Sex and the City to base a decision on? Oh brother. Hey, if you want to forgive her, thats ok, but that doesn't mean you have to get back with her. You can tell her, "i forgive you for cheating, but I am moving on, I suggest you do the same". She says this was a mistake, and she says she's so much wiser now. cheating is not a mistake. She did it because she wanted to do it. She knows never to do it again. But will it happen again? Yes What happens if it does. I'm only 22.. is it right for me to be so deeply into someone who's cheated on me? Why can't I get over her. Because you are young and sorry, I just have to say it, dumb. Now that isn't a slam against you. I can say that just as I'd say it about myself when I was your age. I was a freakin' idiot when it came to girls and acting like a twitterpated fool. I look back on those days and think, "what a freakin' lapdog whipped moron I was". Its just that you are in fact young and you haven't been there and done that. Later on when you get older, you'll know what I'm talking about. This is probably the worst ramble any of you must've read, but I had to let it out. I don't know what to do and I need advice/thoughts. I just need perspectives. Please lend me some. When I speak with her, it seems like everything's alright. Thats because she is playing you. I get this vision of a girl looking at you and saying, "I promise I'll never do it again", all the while trying to look innocent and batting her eyes at you. She's been chasing me for 5 months. Does she genuinely still love me? Or is she just missing the company of the other guy, who's not far away in a separate country?!?! She wants what she cannot have anymore. So don't give in to her. It could be that you are playing the 2nd fiddle backburner fallback guy and she figured out all the other guys only want one thing. don't play 2nd fiddle. cut her loose and find a decent girl.
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 You did not just admit to watching "Sex in the City"!? Give me your man card! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
bish Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 2 of my friends cheated on their boyfriends(now they are their husbands)...but they more then made up for their mistakes. such as?.......
Author NickP Posted August 3, 2008 Author Posted August 3, 2008 thanks to all that replied! i treasure the mockery of my moment(or rather hours) of weakness as I watched the pirated DVD copy of Sex and the City, but yes, it was nothing more than a moment of weakness lol. more importantly though, I've told her no! and i'm pretty glad bout it. I'm proud of myself! i've stuck to my morals and not allowed myself to get swayed by her "batting eyes", a quality she used well the next time I met her, as bish rightfully suggested. But one thing i gotta say is i agree with serendip bout the point that cheating doesn't make someone a totally bad person.. I just hope she learns from this mistake for the sake of her future relationships. (Oh the Irony! The song "Apologize" by One Republic just came on MTV right now.) Cheating does totally destroy the dynamics of the relationship and any future with the person would have to carry with it the scar of infidelity. Anyways, thanks to all once again. I've told her we can be friends. She called me today though crying and apologising constantly, even though she knows nothing can happen between us. *sigh* It's making me feel guilty, but I know I shouldn't feel this way. She tries to speak to me often, and I KNOW she's just using me for support at the moment, and I think I wanna be there for her now. Just until the fact that nothing is EVER gonna happen EVER again sinks into her mind. I'm not sure if I should though cos I wldn't wanna lead her on! And I haven't told her yet that I've forgiven her for what she did as well, becos I'm not sure if I actually have. One thing's for sure though, I may forgive her someday but I'd never forget.
Da_1_n_OnlyN3na Posted August 6, 2008 Posted August 6, 2008 frome experience a relationship that has gone through cheating will never work out...you will always have problems and before you get more hurt run!....trust me i took my bf back after he cheated on me and things only got worst! it has never been perfect....we both want it to be like how it used to be when we started going out but..easier said than done......you will not be able to trust her...so there isnt no point.. i regret taking my bf back because it hurts being in a situation like this...so your on time to save yourself from all that.....good luck
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