KaySaurusx Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 My mother & father have been married for 14 years. My mom jokes that the only got married because I was born, which wouldn't be surprising as I was born a year before they tied the knot. About a month or so ago, my dad went next door to borrow something & left the computer on. At the time he had banned me from using it due to the fact that I did poorly on a test (I got a 84, but anything below a 90 is poor in their eyes), so I took advantage of the alone time I had with it & planned to go on Myspace, Facebook, check my e-mail, etc. I sat down & saw my dad's Yahoo messenger open, with only one convo with the screen name of my dad's best friend's wife, who was a really good friend of my mom & a pretty good friend of my dad. My dad had said "Does it bother you?" She said: "Does what bother me?" He replied "That I like you?" Now I was thoroughly scared, so I ran off. Just an hour ago I was called down to look at a website my dad was doing for a friend. I asked him if he had set up the hammock in the back, and he said no so he hurried off to do that. I am naturally a fairly nosy person, so when I saw that his Yahoo messenger was open I looked at it. It was with the same lady, and he sent her a picture or something that he didn't mention but by the next few sentences that followed I had a pretty good idea as to what it was. Then they were talking about her toes & how he wants to put lotion on his fingers & run them thru her toes. I am also a very good actress, so when he came back I re-opened that page he wanted me to see & gave him some tips. He was very paranoid, and asked me many times if that was the only window I saw, which I acted very innocently to and said yes. I am so scared. I don't know what to do. My mom obviously doesn't have a clue what's going on, and my dad can get to be verbally abusive when I anger him, so I am stuck. What should I do? Should I ignore it? How can I when I see the lady every weekend 'cause she & her husband & occasionally their son will come over for dinner and a movie? Or should I confront one of my parents at separate times or together? Please help. I am at loss.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Don't say anything for now.. just observe them when she's around.. this is very touchy... just wait for a little longer until you either have concrete proofs.. if you could print those convos.. that would be great...
Ronni_W Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Kay, I am so sorry that you're going through this -- I can't think of too many worse spots to be in. Kind of, you have an option to betray your mom...or you dad. That sucks for options, doesn't it? Perhaps you can look into whether there is a school counselor available during the summer, and go and speak with him/her? Here is the 'text book' of how it ought to be done: If/when you feel that you must to do something, explain to your dad what you saw when he went to put up the hammock. Firmly set your boundaries: Let him know that you will not get in the middle of his mess, and you will not cover up for him in any way. Tell him that he needs to end things with this lady, OR he will have to come clean with your mom. IF you are prepared to go through with this: Give him time (a week?) to do that, or tell him that you'll tell your mom, yourself. (That is, don't give an ultimatum that you are not prepared to follow through with.) At the same time, you won't really know if he ended things or if he told your mom -- just believe whatever he tells you, and let it rest there. Your dad created this mess, and any consequences at all will be totally on him -- whatever you do choose to do because of your own sense of loyalty and integrity is perfectly fine -- no need to take ANY part of the responsibility/blame for your dad's behaviour. All that said. I really don't know what I'd do in your position. It is NOT an offspring's job to expose one parents' affair to the other parent, NOR to "protect" one parent (through secrets, lies, etc.) from that parent's own indiscretions. That's not to say this has gone to a physical affair yet, though - those two messages kind of suggest that's likely not (yet) the case. Alternatively, possibly you can tell your dad that you have a very adult conversation that you need to have with him, and that you want that conversation to take place in a professional setting. Ask him to make an appointment with a family counselor, or with a pastor if your family has access to one. Which may simply have the effect of "scaring him straight" so that he'll end the flirtations with this lady before things get totally out of his control. An important point is to not bring other people (other than professionals) into it UNLESS it gets to where you really, really feel that there are no other options available to you. Again, I know this is difficult on you. I am sorry for that.
sally4sara Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Next time you're all having dinner with your dad's friend and wife, I think the dinner conversation should take a weird turn to the subject of foot fetish. You: "So I just heard about foot fetish; what's with the whole lotion on the toes? Does it have to be lotion?" I don't think they will feel so willing to keep taking this risk after that.
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I feel so awful for you...What a sad position to be in, know this information...And feel stuck. I guess just keep an eye on it and if you feel like you can't take it anymore, tell him that you know and that he has to tell your mom. I'm not sure if you should tell her because who knows what is going on between your mom and him when you're not around.. OH and congrats on the 84! That is EXCELLENT and your folks should be proud of you even if you didn't get a 90! They need to lighten up!
american-woman Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 This is a very bad spot for you to be in. Sorry sweety. But your mom needs to know. Does your mom use the computer? If she does, ask her if she ever checks on dad history. All I can tell you is if your mom ever finds this out about this lady and probally many others and she finds out you knew about it your mom will never trust you again.
Trialbyfire Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Your father is either having an emotional affair or a physical affair. Regardless, don't make yourself responsible for monitoring his actions. Tell your mother what you've seen and let the two address the issue. Also, if your father tries to blame you for anything, make certain he understands that these are his actions as a cheater so he should personally bear the cross on his own. Don't let him put the burden of guilt onto you.
saraispiel19 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 Seems like you just got a bit of leverage when it comes to dad now huh? Well I agree with Trial it shouldn't be your responisibility. Try talking to your dad first so he can have the chance of telling your mom and the rest will be up to the "grown-ups". Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author KaySaurusx Posted July 20, 2008 Author Posted July 20, 2008 Thank you all so much! My mom came to me yesterday asking if I've noticed anything about what my dad does on the internet & I told her, but we agreed not to say anything. She told me that she loves my dad, but there's no friendship or trust, and she hasn't trusted him in a few years. She seemed really lost & I could see tears starting to come up. So now my mom & I know, and my dad doesn't know that we know. It's so very confusing. We're still deciding on what to do, but I'm scared for whatever it is. I mean, I'm turning 15 very soon, this is too much for a kid to handle. But my mom's smart, so I think she'll figure out something that'll get us thru this.
Trialbyfire Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Thank you all so much! My mom came to me yesterday asking if I've noticed anything about what my dad does on the internet & I told her, but we agreed not to say anything. She told me that she loves my dad, but there's no friendship or trust, and she hasn't trusted him in a few years. She seemed really lost & I could see tears starting to come up. So now my mom & I know, and my dad doesn't know that we know. It's so very confusing. We're still deciding on what to do, but I'm scared for whatever it is. I mean, I'm turning 15 very soon, this is too much for a kid to handle. But my mom's smart, so I think she'll figure out something that'll get us thru this. Absolutely. Trust in your mother to do what's best in this situation. Just remember that you bear no responsibility or guilt for anything to do with your parents' marriage. They're the adults. ((hugs))
Nevermind Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Yes. Trust your mother, she will get you through this. I am sure it helps her to have you with her. You have been very strong, and very considerate. Be proud of yourself. And don't think it's your responsibility or fault or anything. It's not. ((hugs))
sapphire105 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 If your father is difficult to talk to then I would talk to her. just mention that you have seen the converations. It is likely to be no more than inappropriate messages and they may just need it pointing out that it is wrong to make them stop
Mary3 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I'm sorry your father has put you in this bind at such a young age. You have your whole life ahead of you I think your mom is SMART. She is not saying anything. I would tell mom to get a log and print out everything your dad said to the lady. Your mom might need this someday. Perhaps a key logger stroke system which monitors everything your dad says. But then your dad is SMART too and likley knows something is going to get nasty about this.. I would go hug your mom , help her now , love her and as for your dad. Your dad probrobly has been on internet sites you would be shocked about. I doubt the one lady is the only lady. Mom says she didnt trust your dad for a year or two. Thats probrobly when dad was playing around on the computer. Your dad is bored. He found some excitement. But at the expense of you and your mom. Keep your head up and help your mom. Ask around how you can install some stuff if you think you and your mom might need to prove Dad is messing around with someone on the computer. Good Luck
Staring Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 You shouldn't fear your father so much that you can't help your mom... just forget about what dad wants he screwed up go tell your mom what you saw and try to have some proof because it wouldn't be pretty if she didn't believe you
Jilly Bean Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 Wow! HOW totally horrible for you! What I would do, is get Mom and Dad in the same room - tell Mom in front of Dad what you've seen, then walk out and let them deal with it.
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Posted August 3, 2008 There was another thread regarding a similar issue (may have been on the OW board, or Infidelity) and the common consensus seemed to be that as the child it's none of your business. This is something for your parents to work out as adults. Now you've told your mother, you're stuck in the middle.
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