atc2410 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 It's all about timing isn't it? I met a great girl and we were instantly attracted. We dated a couple of times, then spent a couple of weekends together, then did the whole romantic driving to each others houses during weeknights to spend more time together. It was going brilliantly. A long time prior to her meeting me plans were in place where by a male friend was coming back for a holiday before returning overseas where he worked. She was very open about them being close and spoke about looking forward to his arrival. No problemo. Fast forward to the week of his arrival and we were all good. Romance, emails, facebook, text msgs etc. A few days out from his arrival and she cooled off. Now I'd already anticipated there was history with these two. I chose not to ask because I didn't feel it was my place yet and everything was feeling so good anyway. I'm not a jealous type and don't fret over the history of the person I'm seeing. The more history the better in my book anyway. I wasn't sure what to make of her cooling off. I thought perhaps she was showing respect to this friend, ex, whatever he was and given we were still so new I gave her the space to be comfortable as she saw fit. She was still lovely to me but there were definitely redefined boundaries which she conveyed and I subsequently respected without question. Oh and another thing is when he arrived she was to spend a week with him, his sister and the rest of the fam. She communicated this openly and matter-of-factly and while it wouldn't be ideal if we were an established relationship I thought it reasonable for me to be cool about it given they were plans that predated me and that we were still new. By now I interpreted him as perhaps being a boyfriend that left their relationship to work overseas. The last chat we had was the day before he arrived and I said have a great week away and I'll chat with you when you get back. She expressed thanks at my understanding. I won't articulate everything that occurred during the week away other than I could tell they were reliving old times c/- some romantic facebook status updates and friendly yet distant conversations via facebook chat (no mobile reception). From this point I was hoping to get some words from her about us and/or what I was to her but nothing was forthcoming. I was left to wonder if this would be a temporary romance then he goes home or if they're establishing something more permanent. The day she arrived home I got a chat msg while I was out. I replied and she said she would call which she did. We talked for about an hour. Yes it was confirmed they rekindled, that he said he loved her and she has feelings that date back a while. She also said she's not sure what to make of it all and that she still wanted to do stuff with me. Overall it was a great conversation loaded with affection but again inconclusive as to what it all meant long-term. He's going back o/s after all. Now in not knowing what it all means long term I want to mention I wouldn't want to settle for being some plan B option. My interest in this girl is exclusive rather than some player arrangement whereby I'm a local squeeze while the object of her real affection toils away in another hemisphere. Still I left myself open to the possibility they are experiencing intensified feelings due to a long series of circumstances I wasn't around for. The best thing I could do I thought was be scarce during the holiday and reassess once everything was back to routine. Today however provides another snag in the form of facebook. Ah facebook, provider of angst and turmoil. Today she changed her status to 'in a relationship' with boy and the profile pic was changed to a couple shot. Yep hardcore and clear-cut. So finally my question... Do I make contact saying I wasn't sure of her long-term plans but now that I can see you're giving a real relationship a shot I'm going to be a gentleman and stand aside - congratulations and good luck. or Do I continue as is, stay scarce and see what happens when he goes home and the dust settles. It's not that I want to wait or anything even though I really like this girl, I'm just not sure whether to be proactive in acknowledging her commitment to boy (even though it might be made in the heat of a moment that will end when he goes back o/s) or just leave it alone and see what happens? Please let me know what you think. Apologies at how long this has turned out to be and thank you for reading.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wait? She's already moved on. You're just trying to come up with excuses because you think you and her has a chance once the bf is gone. Notice bf. They never broke up, they were just long distance. And you became the third wheel. Whether she did it intentionally or not, you were her fling until the bf came back. Bet he doesn't even know about you. I would give her the NC and move on. Not worth being a door mat and being emotional over someone who's dating around and being unfaithful.
TheSilentType Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Don't contact her again. Don't respond to any messages. Drop her and move on even if its hard for you. Her intentions were clear from the start to rekindle whatever relationship she had with that guy.
Author atc2410 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for the direct advice. Been a confusing couple of weeks. Shame. Even if he goes home and she's keen I don't want to be a B option as mentioned. She tells me she's told him about me and that he wants to meet me!? A bit wierd. Oh and unfortunately she has a very expensive item of clothing of mine which I will need to get back.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for the direct advice. Been a confusing couple of weeks. Shame. Even if he goes home and she's keen I don't want to be a B option as mentioned. She tells me she's told him about me and that he wants to meet me!? A bit wierd. Oh and unfortunately she has a very expensive item of clothing of mine which I will need to get back. . what were her exact words that she told her bf? Did she tell him you guys were together? Or just friends? She could be lying between her teeth And get those clothes back...
imbewildered Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Do I continue as is, stay scarce and see what happens when he goes home and the dust settles. Smart men NEVER get on triangles.You are entitled to a woman who is exclusively devoted to YOU. THis woman is having her cake and eat it too. You are "back up guy" who has been nudged into the background while she pays footsie with the ole flame. Walk away with your pride (and your nuts) .
Jilly Bean Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wow - that SO sucks! As much as it hurts, I think you have to step aside as well. Your feelings don't match hers, and to stick around would only add to your pain.
Author atc2410 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 . what were her exact words that she told her bf? Did she tell him you guys were together? Or just friends? She could be lying between her teeth And get those clothes back... What she told me were her exact words extended to us meeting, dating, sleeping together, that I was good etc. Apparently he was glad I was a nice guy and treated her well. He also told her of his past which is pretty extensive apparently. I could detect some resentment in her voice re: his conquests, only very slight and expressed with humour, but it was still there which further conveyed to me she has entrenched feelings for him. A few days along and yes she should've been up front with me re: unresolved stuff with this guy but meh she probably didn't expect to meet me and be attracted to me only weeks from his arrival. As I noted in my opening post timing is key.
Author atc2410 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Contacted her today to wish her well and to remind her I need to grab my things eventually. She came back saying she wanted to go out soon, as in dancing at a club. I'm assuming bf will have gone back by then. I no longer have any romantic interest in her given the circumstances. I guess I'll play it by ear when we eventually catch up as to whether we can do a friends thing?
Lucky_One Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 IMHO you can't go back to being friends after you have had sex with someone. You will have too much to drink one night and hook up again, and then you will be a FWB and STILL Plan B. Time to stop this entire 'friendship' now, before you get more emotionally involved.
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