silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So me and my boyfriend of 3 years recently split up and then realized we hated being apart so we got back together. My problem is, I can't help but wonder if you should stay in a relationship, even if it makes you miserable sometimes. I mean we have our "good" times, but when we have our "bad" times, they are really bad. Any thoughts?
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Why'd you split up? The answer to that will probably impact how we respond.
Author silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 He's very jealous, and possesive, and I have a very hard time expressing my love and appreciation for people. Together, they didn't mix to well.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 He's very jealous, and possesive, and I have a very hard time expressing my love and appreciation for people. Together, they didn't mix to well. Then you guys have to see this second chance as new beginning. Talk to him about what you guys want out of the relationship and talk about how you guys can improve from it. If the issues you've stated were the reason for the breakup, then you guys need to have more communication the second time around to ensure that there won't be any further breakup.
imbewildered Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 He's very jealous, and possesive, and I have a very hard time expressing my love and appreciation for people. Together, they didn't mix to well. Well, you are right. You cannot do much about his alleged "jealousy and possessiveness," BUT you can do a lot about your inability to express your feelings. Do you know how unappealing a cold and unappreciative woman is?
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Maybe it would be wiser to work on those personality characteristics outside of a relationship....
DunnoWhat Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Look at the overall relationship and see how happy you are with him.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So me and my boyfriend of 3 years recently split up and then realized we hated being apart so we got back together. My problem is, I can't help but wonder if you should stay in a relationship, even if it makes you miserable sometimes. I mean we have our "good" times, but when we have our "bad" times, they are really bad. Any thoughts? Generally speaking, if the dynamics of the relationship are spiked with highs and lows, there are some serious issues involved. If the issues can't be resolved, it will get worse, therefore not worth remaining in something that's detrimental to your emotional health. Both of you need to sit down and seriously discuss your (both) issues so instead of it becoming a battle royale, it's two people helping each other overcome your combined issues. In your situation, you admit to having difficulty freely expressing your love for him which fuels his insecurity, fanning his jealousy and possessiveness to an unreasonable level. Now that you know this, have you considered trying harder to express yourself? You may find that the more you do this, the easier it is for yourself and the less he'll try to "own" you. He also needs to work on suppressing his petty jealousies and possessiveness. You can't lose from working on your ability to express love. Do it for yourself, if no one else.
Author silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Yes, another reason why we split up, we both knew we needed to work on ourselves. We only stayed broke up for about a week, mind you not going one day without talking. He called me everyday I think. I'm a little scared wondering if we just got back together because we didn't want the other one with anybody else, instead of giving ourselves time to get better. When we split he told me "I don't want you with anyone else". Of course I think that had a lot to do with his possessiveness. Also, we are 12 years apart in age, I don't know if this could have anything to do with his jealousness or not.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 He's very jealous, and possesive, and I have a very hard time expressing my love and appreciation for people. Together, they didn't mix to well. As I see it, relationships are opportunities to improve the parts of each of you that need work. He needs to work on trust and you need to work on expressing love and appreciation. You can work on it together, or you can work on it in the future with someone else. Eventually, though, you're going to have to work on it. You decide: now or later?
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 If you work on it as joint problems in a positive manner, you can only reinforce the foundation of your relationship!
Author silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks Trial you really are making a lot of sense!!!
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 You're welcome silver. Just don't shoulder the burden of the entire relationship! We wimmins tend to do that!
A.G.Doren Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 If you work on it as joint problems in a positive manner, you can only reinforce the foundation of your relationship! What she said. I might mix in some couples therapy since you're determined to be together.
Mahatma Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 If you spend that much time with someone, it becomes more of a habit to have them in your life. It's going to feel weird at first when you split up because you are just used to them being there for the past 3 years. If he has jealousy and possessive issues, trying to tone them down will only get him to hold those thoughts insides and they will build up there. Personality traits like these will not just go away.
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 If both parties are equally willing and introspective, working on basic personality features is possible and efficacious within a relationship, provided they have proper guidance, like a professional counselor. More commonly, one party is more willing and/or more introspective, leading to some change, but unequal change, perpetuating the imbalance in the R. This also can feed further discord/resentment. Such issues, if unresolved, end up being the impetus for incompatibility. I've learned a lot, mostly about myself, in 10 months of MC. It's something you have to want to do. Good luck!
HeartLikeLead Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So me and my boyfriend of 3 years recently split up and then realized we hated being apart so we got back together. My problem is, I can't help but wonder if you should stay in a relationship, even if it makes you miserable sometimes. I mean we have our "good" times, but when we have our "bad" times, they are really bad. Any thoughts? I spent my ENTIRE 20S on my exBF..... Luckily I was in NYC and enjoying myself... But I look back and say WOW what I was thinking. WHY did I let myself stay sooooo miserable. WHY? Because I thought oh I LOVE him so much I can make him happy Nothing ever worked out and he finally turned abusive...... Bad times shouldnt be REALLY bad. LEAVE.
trubella Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 When we split he told me "I don't want you with anyone else". Of course I think that had a lot to do with his possessiveness. this sounds like something my bf said in the past. we also took a "1 week break" to work on ourselves a bit, but he didnt like that someone else could come in the picture, so that didnt last long. its a still a work in progress, ive learned that love definitely isnt enough to keep 2 ppl together. its not easy
GPFan Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 My problem is, I can't help but wonder if you should stay in a relationship, even if it makes you miserable sometimes.First, I note you have taken the time to formulate and write this question. Second, I note you use the word miserable. What is your intuition telling you?
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