grey goose Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 maybe some of you can make some sense of of my situation and give me some ideas of what kind of games she is playing and her intentions are or what you might think they are. I'm just confused about moving on or holding out and maybe she will come to her senses and start anew again. I would also like to add that it is 3:30 in the morning as well. So if something does not make sense then that is my excuse and i think sleep deprivation may be invading my judgment through this as well. well just recently me and my wife have been talking to each other everyday for the past 2 weeks. nothing serious just small talk and joking with each other like we used to when we were both on the same page. its really hard to figure out what her intentions really are with me and the marriage. supposedly she was going to turn the papers in to the court to get the ball moving on finalizing our marriage once and for good, but she seemed to of had more important things to do after she clearly stated to me that she was going to turn them in and that be the first thing she do the next day. and when she said that she was pissed off and going purely off emotions. not that it really matters if she does or doesn't . so a few days ago, i'm talking to her and she asks me if i could do her a favor and i say sure. she wants me to check her email for her, cause she doesn't have internet access where she is at. so i check for her a certain email she is waiting on from an important person to her. now i know its low and very unbecoming of, but while i was in her inbox i did some snooping around. I know i shouldn't have but i was curious to know if i would find any dirt. which i did. i don't know about you all but if i was going to divorce my spouse i would at least hide any evidence that was incriminating to myself before handing out my password to a soon to be ex. i'm conflicted right now in my judgement. on one hand she trust me enough to check her bank account and email and make little subtle statments about wanting a marriage. for example this is a conversaiton we had a few days ago. I say to her "oh so i owe you four more outfits for that bet we had awhile ago". she says" yes you do". I say " do you still have the same clothing taste you had last year" she says "yes", I don't want anything from you (meaning the clothes) i want a marriage". she also accepts all calls from me when i do call her. she jokes with me again and laughs like she use to with me when we were togeather. seems like shes sad and wants me to feel bad when i go out with friends and she hears them in the background and says you can go if you want, i know your going to meet up with your girlfirend. what gets me is that when i joke with her about her going out and meeting up with her boyfriend she gets extremly offended at that statement and gets very rude with comments. but yet she will do the exact same thing to me. though whe she says it, she isn't joking. yes i know there is a difference but still. there is no need to get on the offensive side unless you got something to hide. on the other hand. when she does pick up the phone she seems very uninterested in me and distant/cold in the early stage of the conversation. Doesn't initiate any conversaitons with me. its like pulling teeth with her to get her to talk. i'm not really sure if she has much to say or if she is doing that on purpose. sounds really irritated when i ask her questions about her day and what she did. she doesn't open up at all really, very closed off. Stil blame shifts when she can. only time she can really talk to me is when she is upset about some girl/girls talking to me on on myspace. she thinks all of them are trying to get with me and i'm trying to get with them all. the last thing i said to her today. i'm going away for a few days and that i wasn't going to call her while i was away. i said also that your prolly tired of me calling anyways. she just replies with ok. I wanted to know if it would affect her anyif she didnt' hear from me which it didn't obv. there are two other guys in the picture as well. one she had an emotional affair with and a physical one most likey, i can't prove if she did or not the physical part. and the other seems like a frend but i'm probably wrong there. i mean what the hell is wrong with me. why am i allowing her to run over me, like this. i'm suppose to be her husband and yet i'm 3rd string i guess. i mean if those 2 other guys fall through then hey she can run back to me again i guess thats her plan. am i getting strung along for a bumpy ride, or do i have some valid reasons to hang on? Should i hang on? i don't know why she hasn't turned in the paperwork, what is she waiting for. maybe she has and its going to be funny to her that i will recieve papers in the mail out of the blue. what do you guys think her agenda is here. has she moved on from me, from the info i have typed on here. is this a game that she is playing, to see how long i will hang on before i have had enough. i feel manipulated, vulnerable. maybe its time to put my foot down and put an ultamatum out there. another demon i face within myself is, if i force the issue about where and what we are going to do about us, i know its not going to go in the direction i would prefer it to. then if i don't say anything i stay in the middle, not moving forward or backwards. and on top of that i have myself scared to lose her so i don't press the issue. sheesh i'm a doormat omg. i'm not sure what to do anymore. maybe just go with the flow, i suppose and enjoy life, friends and other possible mates???? and if she decides to return then it wouldn't be like she was the only one having fun. and yet i see the marriage failing from that if we do reconcile. any input would be nice on what actions i should take. what is the advantage of filing for divorce first???? does it mattter even if we don't have kids or property togeather. we actually don't have anything togeather except of a few bills. we have only been married for a year and some change. Thanks for reading my entry and providing feedback if you do.
saraispiel19 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 It sounds to me that she is regreting her decision or maybe scared to actually let you go (by turning in the papers- silly yes but there's a whole lot of emotion wrapped up in those legal words). I think time apart would do you both some good- emotional affairs are hard to overcome (I believe you mentioned something of the sort?) since you develop a connection with someone else, it's not like sex it's different type of comfort that is well dangerous. I don't see why or any reason for you to be still talking to her- I don't say ignore her but when she calls you should say something like " ________, I need some time apart, we are getting divorced; I don't know where this is going and we need time to clear our heads and get our intentions right. Besides time apart will do us some good in order for us to not have all this emotion and needless strain, so turn in the papers please _______- we both need to let go." From then on you enjoy life: go out with friends, enjoy single life (jumping into a relationship now would not be reccomendable). If ever the case that a long time from now (let's say 6 months plus) you both decide you want to give it another shot then do so, but with help this time (couples counciling) so you can have the right tools and begin the "right way"! As for now counciling would be a great option (individual of course not as a couple) so you could understand yourself a lot more and get your prioities straight. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
misternoname Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I could have written your post. My situation is almost exactly the same. I'll be monitoring this post to see what advice you receive. At the very least, you have my sympathy. I know what you're going through. Best of luck!
Billy Bob Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 any input would be nice on what actions i should take. what is the advantage of filing for divorce first???? does it mattter even if we don't have kids or property togeather. we actually don't have anything togeather except of a few bills. we have only been married for a year and some change. Thanks for reading my entry and providing feedback if you do. Because then you control the divorce. You make her respond to your petition. It puts you in the drivers seat, not her. Take her power away. You need to get far away from this one, get that divorce (which is a legal seperation when served) and get your fiances seperated. I know you "love" her, but trust me you will be scratching your head in 6 months wondering why you ever put up with all this crap and what you ever saw in her. You are just a safety net to her, that's why she seems wishy washy sometimes.
Author grey goose Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 It sounds to me that she is regreting her decision or maybe scared to actually let you go (by turning in the papers- silly yes but there's a whole lot of emotion wrapped up in those legal words). I think time apart would do you both some good- emotional affairs are hard to overcome (I believe you mentioned something of the sort?) since you develop a connection with someone else, it's not like sex it's different type of comfort that is well dangerous. I don't see why or any reason for you to be still talking to her- I don't say ignore her but when she calls you should say something like " ________, I need some time apart, we are getting divorced; I don't know where this is going and we need time to clear our heads and get our intentions right. Besides time apart will do us some good in order for us to not have all this emotion and needless strain, so turn in the papers please _______- we both need to let go." From then on you enjoy life: go out with friends, enjoy single life (jumping into a relationship now would not be reccomendable). If ever the case that a long time from now (let's say 6 months plus) you both decide you want to give it another shot then do so, but with help this time (couples counciling) so you can have the right tools and begin the "right way"! As for now counciling would be a great option (individual of course not as a couple) so you could understand yourself a lot more and get your prioities straight. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted! first off, thank you for reading my dilemma sara. these are a few things you suggested to me in your post to mine. (you) I think time apart would do you both some good - (me) she has been emotionally separated from me since February, and now it is coming up on august. So nearly 7 months of very little positive interaction. We haven't seen each other since early Jan. of this year. Just recently have we been able to talk to each other everyday on my account of me starting the conversation and making the effort to call her. (you) I don't see why or any reason for you to be still talking to her - (me) seems like i have hit some progress with her these past couple of weeks, as i stated on the one hand speech above. I'm trying to be the best possible person to her i can be regardless of the turnout. at a minimum if we become colleagues/friends from husband/wife, then i can handle that as well too. not sure about her though. unless she is already there. i would feel pretty foolish if she was LOL. and last but not least, still feel optimistic and want this to work on top of being scared to lose her. maybe i should relax a little and go with the flow and let the chips fall in place on there own? (you) I don't say ignore her but when she calls you - (me) well she doesn't call me! yeah i know. its probably and obvious answer to what her intentions are. nor has she asked for my new number. Maybe she is banking on that I will call her, so she doesn't have too. since i've been doing it for the past 3 or so weeks. my number is anon so she can't redial the number that her phone picks up, its a number that has to be given by me to reach me. and yet she hasn't asked for it :/ meh. (you) - ________, I need some time apart, we are getting divorced; I don't know where this is going and we need time to clear our heads and get our intentions right. Besides time apart will do us some good in order for us to not have all this emotion and needless strain, so turn in the papers please _______- we both need to let go." (me) - some of this was answered in my reply to your message. like the time apart one. and me being a wuss i guess to tell her that we need some space to get our heads right. I don't need the space she needed when she requested it. thats probably because i'm not out "test driving" like she was and wanted to see how well the "new car" performed. and the fact that for some reason i can't imagine a life without her...i know sounds sad and i agree, but i'm holding on to a dream that will never come to life. i just don't want to have not given everything i possible could to save the marriage. and if my efforts were in vain, then atleast i can say to myself i did everything i possible could. i am only one man and just a man not anything else.
TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Put things in motion to end it. She's not making any effort and it's time you stopped trying so hard. I hate to say it, but if she's not contacting you, she's not interested in the marriage or making things work. Maybe things will change when you start the process of ending things permanently.
saraispiel19 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Common man pull your bootstraps up! She is just not wanting back in. So sorry you had to experience it but hey your a stronger person and wiser now and will become more so after time passes by. Don't reach her, let her be and finally go do something! Get a job (I presume you do), furthur your career by getting some training (yeap going back to school would be great!), go out to the bar and meet new people (not necessairly to "pick up women" but just to even talk!), if you like kids you can even be a big brother to a little boy in need. There are tons of things you can do- go to the gym, yoga (yes men do it too), biking, learn to surf (if you can where you live)..etc. There's a site called kijiji and they have lots of stuff online and tell you your community events and stuff like that -look up your community and get involved have fun. This is your time to be happy and happiness only happens when you allow it to!
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