maybe316 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Hi I'm not giving advice, I need it! I'm 25 years old and female and i've had a lot of bad luck with guys. Guys are always interested in me, however i can never keep them interested b/c i'm either dating the wrong guys or making the same mistakes. Here is my problem: FYI this is going to sound very middle school. I recently met a guy that i really like. We have only hung out a four or five times but usually text each other throughout the week. Each time we hang out, it is always on the week-end out at a party or a bar. The second time we hung out he kissed me good-bye. The third time we hung out, i was kind of drunk and we were making out at the bar and then went to a party late at night...where we made-out some more. Last week-end we met up and i was determined to just go out for an hour or two and NOT get drunk and NOT make-out with him at the bar and then go home. The problem was that when i met him, he wanted to dance with me and i felt really uncomfortable so i started drinking- a bit too much. Yes i know this was a mistake. However, every time he tried to make-out with me i told him no-and he told me he respected that. I told him we should hang out sometime when we are not drinking. He then asked me out on a date this Thursday! I was really excited b/c i really like this guy and usually i never like the guys that like me. So here's the problem-after this i was having so much fun and was increasingly more drunk i went back with him to his apartment with all of his friends. We hung out for a little while with his friends and then of course-we started making out again. He wanted me to spend the night and naturally told me he "wouldn't try anything" but as it was getting really late (4am) i knew i should go home. I told him i had to go home and he was really disappointed and i think he thought i was being a tease. I went home anyway. So that was last Saturday and i have not heard from him...I'm thinking he probably doesn't want to take me out on a date anymore b/c he either forgot (b/c he was drunk) or he lost interest b/c he thinks i'm a tease.... I know i should not have gone back to his house for the "afterparty" but i was having fun. What should i do? Should i text him and ask him if we are still on for Thursday night? Or should i wait and see if he calls me or texts me. Can i fix this mistake? If we do go on a date and he wants me to spend the night at his house afterwards what should i say? **forgot to add that i found out he recently broke up with his long time girlfriend. I'm 90 percent sure he does not try and find "new conquests" each week since he has been texting me every week. He has told me how much he is attracted to me, finds me intriguing and likes me...(however he could just be saying that to get me to sleep with him) idk ***Its been over a year since i've actually met a guy that i like. He did ask me out on a date. He has been consistently contacting me and meeting up with me since we met over a month ago. We have... only kissed. Is it that bad that he wanted me to spend the night? We still don't even know each other. Thanks for your help!
just-a-girl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Sorry but it sounds to me like he is interested in one thing and that is not a date. If he were more interested in you he would at least call you once and a while. It seems like you are convenient for him so he fools around with you. I don't know about playing your cards right becuase I think romance is one part luck, one part work, and one part attraction. There is no right and wrong way to do it there are just a list of things that turn most people off like being too available which I think was your mistake in this case. I hope that this doesn't come across as harsh becuase that is not my intent. I would NOT text him let him come to you if he is going to.
confused and broken Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Let me get this straight SO since last Saturday he has not even texted you????
imbewildered Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for your help! You approach to dating and hanging out is VERY middle teen. You are constantly sending mixed signals and your alcohol comsumption is adding to your problems. I do not blame this guy for cutting you off. He is fed up with your games of push/ pull. Why do young women think this behavior is OK or even clever. It is not smart and ultimately most guys who have any self respect will not tolerate it. This guy's silence is telling you that he has had enough.
silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Sorry, but it sounds to me like he didn't get what he wanted, so he's not interested anymore. You also may want to work on your drinking problem. If you have to drink to feel comfortable with someone, there's something wrong there.
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 OP, leave this guy be. He might approach you again in the future. If so, bring the dating scene out of middle school. Official dates; phone calls; no "hanging out" until 4am; no excessive alcohol consumption; try a two drink maximum on dates. Practice this on the next guy "you like that likes you"...
xpaperxcutx Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I think he just wanted the sex. It's hard to tell, you could say that he lost his phone, blah, blah, blah but more than likely he just wanted some booty.
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Oh, no doubt he had one thing on his mind, but I think the OP wants to find someone for a relationship that exhibits a bit more depth and also where there is mutual attraction. IMO, she has some personal work to do.
Author maybe316 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 well I decided to text him this morning...about a joke we had and he immediately responded. Should i ask him if we are still on for tom?
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Should i ask him if we are still on for tom? NO! He needs to now ask you out on a proper date
Author maybe316 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 ok well thats why i posted this because i'm not good with dating...I'm sorry i'm not perfect. You all are being pretty harsh. I said i knew i made a mistake with the drinking and i won't do it again. He did ask me on a proper date, he asked me in person...however i didn't have to ask him if we are still on b/c he just wrote me that he's going out of town tomorrow for the weekend and wants to know if we can get dinner next week. What should i say?
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 If a guy can get what he wants from you without getting to know you by dating, why would he do more? Your actions led him to believe you were the type of girl who's only interested in being bopped, then you pulled back time and again. To have a romantic relationship with someone, firstly, you have to respect and value yourself enough that any guy knows it. Also, take things slowly so your dates can get to know and like you as a person, as well as having desire for you. You can't blame guys for wanting one thing if that's all they can see of you, particularly the party girl that gets "loose" when she drinks.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 ok well thats why i posted this because i'm not good with dating...I'm sorry i'm not perfect. You all are being pretty harsh. I said i knew i made a mistake with the drinking and i won't do it again. He did ask me on a proper date, he asked me in person...however i didn't have to ask him if we are still on b/c he just wrote me that he's going out of town tomorrow for the weekend and wants to know if we can get dinner next week. What should i say? Straight up. I wouldn't bother with this guy anymore. He's got a certain impression of you, one that you'll have to combat time and again.
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Say "This sounds great. Call me when you get back." See, it's like this. A gentleman asks a lady out on a date.... "I've got two tickets for the XXX concert on Friday night and I'd love for you to join me". Lady says "that sounds lovely. When will you be by to pick me up?". Gentleman says "How about we stop for a bite and a drink before the show? Does 7pm sound OK?" Lady says (presuming it works for her,"OK, I'll see you then". No need for follow up calls/texts, unless an emergency comes up. Gentleman shows up at lady's home on time and dressed appropriately Now, it appears this guy has canceled for tomorrow and is trying to reschedule via text. Proper etiquette demands that he call you (as in use his vocal chords) to cancel a date. So, since he didn't, do not agree to a reschedule until he calls, like after he gets back from his trip.
carhill Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So, TBF, don't you think the OP could practice on this guy, perhaps since she also currently only has moderate interest? I say that because she's here asking for advice, so is thinking with her head right now, rather than heart. Overcoming her own impression of herself, if you will. Then, having more confidence in her boundaries, she'll be more attractive to a real catch Or, not
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I can understand that this could be a good exercise for her to amend her own actions but with someone who's already gotten a particular impression of her, don't you think this could erode on her self-esteem even further? Let's say the guy takes her out. Is he taking her out for lipservice? If so, if he doesn't get any, will he continue to try to, without getting to know her? Exposure doesn't always ensure that someone sees you for who you are inside, particularly if they've already made up their minds about you and don't have those emotional ports open and receptive.
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 What you want and what you're doing to get it don't match up. First, you appear to be looking for a long term guy by using a short-term approach. That's not going to work. The drunk girl in the club is the easy girl. That makes you a target for every guy looking to get some action that night (as opposed to guys who want something lasting...and yes, there really are guys like that out there!), so of course, the 'wrong' guys are going to approach you. Action Man sees you drunk and thinks "hey! Easy lay!" while Relation Man sees the same thing and thinks "wow, I'll get to hold her hair back before we've even had a first date. How would I ever tell that one to the kids 20 years from now?". Not the right first impression. Secondly, there is the volume of attraction. Action guys swarm a drunk girl like fruit flies in an apple orchard. Do you really think a Relation guy is going to fight off 20 Action guys just to get to one girl, especially when she's hammered? Not likely. Like others have said, cut the drinks back. One or two to get over jitters is one thing, but that's the limit. Or mix it up. Have a rum & coke the first time, then a straight coke the second, and repeat. You'll still have to watch how many you have, but it's an easier transition than cutting off completely. Of course, there are times when you'll want to get smashed, and I'm all for that. I used to work in the service industry, and I remember how much fun it was to get right ripped. I'm talking standing on the table, singing The Night Pat Murphy Died* at the top of your lungs, getting 3/4 of the way through it before you remember that you're not in an Irish/Newf pub. For those occasions, get a handler; someone who you trust. They'll be the clean one for the night, and not only make sure you get home okay, but also make sure you don't pick up any strays along the way. Are there good guys who go to bars (albeit not every night)? Ones who want something lasting, and not just one-night stands? Yes. I know that for a fact because I am one of them. We are out there, but especially in an environment like that, it's even easier for us to get lost in the crowd. I'm not saying any of this to be harsh; that's really not my intent (it's just a natural side effect of most anything that I say). I'm just calling it as I, and other guys who're looking for more than just a night, are seeing it. Carhill, I think TBF is right: the impression is already set. She'll have to do a LOT of work to overcome it, and the question still stands as to whether or not he's even interested in that kind of time. I think it would be easier for her to cut bait and start over with someone new. *For anyone who hasn't heard it, listen to the song or read the lyrics. It's not nearly as morbid as the title implies. It's actually a fun drinking song!
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 JB, of what I've noticed of guys, they tend to categorize women very quickly. One I would do or one who I perceive as potential relationship material who I would do, if given the opportunity!
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I fully agree. Women aren't much better, but yes, men do tend to categorize women quickly. Once you're in a category, you have to do something extraordinary to break out of it. That's why I agreed that she should start with a new guy; one who doesn't have an impression of her yet. And it's not about doing a girl or being in a relation and doing said girl. It's "would I be happy ONLY doing her?". After all, we have standards, ya know!
silvergirl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I definitely agree with the texting. Does he have another girl you do not know about?? I mean why not talk, it seems like all you two do is text. Also, him all of a sudden going out of town sounds like a cop out. He's just asking you to dinner next week, to keep you hanging on in case someone else is not available. Honestly, have a little more respect for yourself and move on.
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I fully agree. Women aren't much better, but yes, men do tend to categorize women quickly. Once you're in a category, you have to do something extraordinary to break out of it. That's why I agreed that she should start with a new guy; one who doesn't have an impression of her yet. I most def. won't disagree with you, although women tend to just write a guy off as "not interested", friendzone them or want a relationship. There aren't too many women who can truly compartmentalize sex and emotions. Of women who claim they can, you can bet a percentage of them are self-validating their own attractiveness v. solely enjoying the ONS and walking away.
Author maybe316 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Yes i admit i got drunk on 2 out of the 5 occasions we hung out but sometimes he was more drunk than i was....Anyway I know i should not have gotten so drunk those 2 times, however everyone we were with was as well. He was not trying to talk to other girls his focus has been on me everytime we've hung out. Despite whatever previous impression i have given him tell me how i can turn the situation around and work towards a potential relationship with him. So you said i should not reply with an exact day for our "date"? i should just say "call me"?? Then he may not call me until next Weekend...Should i say i'm going out of town next weekend how about early next week? or something like that...no? If he wasn't interested in me why would he ask me out to dinner???
confused and broken Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Op you have made it obvious that you are interested... In my experience guys go after what they want in every department... especially once they've past the initial barrier of figuring out if they will be rejected... Tell him to call you once he gets back to hang out, and go for it... BUT be weary... by the sounds of it he is not 100% into this relationship for some reason? So....I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't call you OR Never makes any kind of a boyfriend... SOrry take care of yourself and your heart
confused and broken Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Yes i admit i got drunk on 2 out of the 5 occasions we hung out but sometimes he was more drunk than i was....Anyway I know i should not have gotten so drunk those 2 times, however everyone we were with was as well. He was not trying to talk to other girls his focus has been on me everytime we've hung out. Despite whatever previous impression i have given him tell me how i can turn the situation around and work towards a potential relationship with him. So you said i should not reply with an exact day for our "date"? i should just say "call me"?? Then he may not call me until next Weekend...Should i say i'm going out of town next weekend how about early next week? or something like that...no? If he wasn't interested in me why would he ask me out to dinner??? Because he is leading you on...(to answer the question if he wasn't interested....) Because he wants to get it on (to answer the same question) Not every guy who is willing to hang out with you makes good boyfriend material.. In my opinion if he was truly interested he would respond to your texts all the time...initiate conversation himself...call you...DAte you..not go 12 days without talking to you... If this sounds harsh it is only tough love.... I feel for you because I have been there and my real advice is: Find a guy who will call you, take you out, act like a boyfriend, treat you with respect...
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