Emmeline Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 It's day four since my breakup and I still feel like my ex put my heart in a blender and hit liquefy. But I've regained my appetite a little bit and that is a good thing. I've also identified the time of day that is the worst for me when it comes to thinking about him. We always used to talk when I got home from work-we were long distance and he was in a different time zone so he'd just be getting ready for bed and I'd be unwinding after work and we'd have nice IM or phone chats about our day. For a while I think that I'm just going to have to avoid being home at that time-maybe staying a little later at work or doing errands before I go home. I've also decided that I'm going to give myself until Saturday-one week post breakup-to allow myself to mourn and feel bad whenever I want to. And then I have a massage and haircut appointment scheduled for later that day. I've gone back and re-read the email that I sent him after he hung up on me I've decided that it's pretty darn good. Of course, I forgot to say a couple of things that I wanted to but no big deal. I still managed to say almost everything I needed to. I've also found a self-help book that sounds really good and I'm going to begin to tackle it next week. I think it's going to help me be stronger when I decide to start dating again. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my ex and the breakup itself too and come to the conclusion that the way he chose to end things and the fact that it ended at all is really more about him than it ever was about me. I don't think he's ever been able to express anger well, at least not in the context of personal relationships. He also had some passive-aggressive tendencies that I don't even think he was aware of. I really suspect that the breakup was more about his being angry with me and not being able to express it in a healthy way than it was about his falling out of love with me. I trust my instincts and my intuition (even if I don't always heed what they tell me!) and I know that after a year and a half of being together, he did care about me and he probably still does. Does this mean that I'm holding out any hope that he'll regret his actions and seek me out again? Nope. It also doesn't mean that I'm going to attempt any further contact with him either. But these realizations have helped me to see that this man was not, and is not, a monster and in some ways I feel very sorry for him. He's a smart and successful guy but I don't think he's introspective and self-aware enough to know what's wrong with him, much less get any help for it. I also know that he will miss me and is going to have a difficult time finding anyone else like me out there. I think he has too much pride to ever admit to himself that leaving me was a mistake, but even if he did I don't think it would change anything. Maybe that's for the best but it's still hard to accept that at this point. But I know that someday I will. I can feel the tears welling up as I write this but I think that's okay. I'm going to cry and grieve as much as I want until Saturday. And even though it still hurts right now even to think about the good times that we shared, there will come a time when it won't and then I will be very happy to have those memories. I will remember the hilarious emails that he sent me and the sweet ones too. The times when he called me at work just to blow a kiss into the phone. The sound of his laughter. The good advice he gave me about handling problem people in my office. The tiny little heart he drew in red marker on a Valentine card. When he was there for me after a big fight I had with my mom. It's easy for me to wonder after a bad breakup like this if he ever really cared for me at all. But I think that he did. And that is what I am going to hang on to through all of this. I will remember that for a year and a half I was cared for and I mattered to this man. And that will have to be enough.
Author Emmeline Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 But I'm not really sure as he never told me. You can see my other posts where I talk more about what specifically happened (or didn't happen, as the case may be).
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