jesmel Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well, I just ended my 2.5 year relationship. As I told you yesterday, his wife filed for divorce,(I do not believe it, but that is another story). This morning he tells me that his w notices he does not have his wedding ring on. She says something about it, and we changed the subject. This was on the phone, by the way. Then, later on I see him at lunch. He has his ring on. He must have put it on after she said something. I normally would not have that bother me but let me tell you something. For the duration of our relationship, I have asked him to please remove his ring whilewe were in bed. He did so twice. I think that out of all the other things that have occurred this was the most hurtful. I just needed to let somebody else know.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 (((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're hurting. You weren't unreasonable. GEL
Lyssa Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Hey Jesmel... I'm sorry you're hurting [[[[Jesmel]]]]
NoIDidn't Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Not to drive the nail in deeper, but I am confused. Does not wearing the ring somehow make him not married? Just seems like something silly to be upset about. I did notice that you said it wouldn't have bothered you before. But still, the man IS married and most married people DO wear rings? Or is it that something else is bothering you and the ring just set you off?
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 You did the right thing. His wife didn't file, he just told you she did. I mean if she filed then she wouldn't give a crap if he wore the ring or not. Anyway, life is short - BE happy that you have yours back!
soda Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Eh...I'm totally confused. Did the fact that he IS married matter less than the wedding ring? I used to work a job where I couldn't wear my ring for safety reasons. In fact, I occasionally worked with young, attractive women. None of them viewed me as less married because I wasn't wearing a ring. In my experience, it doesn't seem to matter a hoot whether I'm wearing a ring. Every time that I've been aggressively pursued, I've had my ring on. The ring is something I wear just because. My behavior has always been steered by morality...not because I was wearing a round piece of metal around my finger. I've never been unfaithful. I've always given my true love every ounce of respect, love, and friendship that she deserved, and it was never because of the ring on my finger. Seems like the real reason for ending the relationship is that he won't leave her. Of course he won't. You're chips. He may have convinced you that his marriage is just a hotdog, not steak...but he is not that into you. You will always be "something extra," not the main course. I'm not trying to be mean, course, or hurtful here. I just want you to understand the truth. To be honest, I've become the OM in my own marriage...I'm chips, too. W's main course is BS artist. When I was growing up, I didn't dream about being chips. Rightfully, I expected that I'd be someone's NY strip. You're doing the right thing by shedding yourself of a jackass. You deserve better for yourself. You'll get it. See beyond the right now.
Unforgetable77 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Not to drive the nail in deeper, but I am confused. Does not wearing the ring somehow make him not married? Just seems like something silly to be upset about. I did notice that you said it wouldn't have bothered you before. But still, the man IS married and most married people DO wear rings? Or is it that something else is bothering you and the ring just set you off? Not wearing a ring does not hide the fact that the person is married but IMO it symbolises marriage and if the person is declaring that they are unhappy and leaving thier spouse then why should they still be wearing it? This is how I felt personally I took it as an insult and a kick in the gut so jesmel i can sympathise with you on this one keep your chin up, be strong sorry you are hurting U77 x
White Flower Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 A wedding ring symbolizes the eternal love and commitment a person makes to another. Wearing that ring demontrates to others they continue to hold to that sentiment. Wearing it while making love to another is a serious contradiction of the symbolism.
Tomcat33 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Not wearing a ring does not hide the fact that the person is married but IMO it symbolises marriage and if the person is declaring that they are unhappy and leaving thier spouse then why should they still be wearing it? This is how I felt personally I took it as an insult and a kick in the gut so jesmel i can sympathise with you on this one keep your chin up, be strong sorry you are hurting U77 x That is exactly it. If you are going to hold my hand, caress my face in a restaurant, and kiss me or simply BE with me on MY time it's not going to happen with a ring on your finger. My ex learned that quickly. He had to meet with his W (at the time) to go over their stuff one time and he came to see me after this with his ring on, he never heard the end of it from my part after that. He gave me the song and dance that he did it for her because she had people over at the house and she didn't want to let on they were having problems or that he had moved out (what a bunch of bullcrap now looking back!!) anyway after we had it out that one time and he never did it again. I have no clue if he continued to wear the ring behind my back but while he was with me there was no ring. I totally get where you are coming from Jesmel. I would have to agree with WWIU when she said this: His wife didn't file, he just told you she did. I mean if she filed then she wouldn't give a crap if he wore the ring or not. she really wouldn't care if she did file..
Tomcat33 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 A wedding ring symbolizes the eternal love and commitment a person makes to another. Wearing that ring demontrates to others they continue to hold to that sentiment. Wearing it while making love to another is a serious contradiction of the symbolism. Very well said WF!
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 This works both ways. Wearing the ring when the WS is with the OM/OW is a smack in their face. Knowing that they're slipping the ring off to BE with the OM/OW is a slap in the BS's face too. What does it say about someone who can slip that ring on and off at will depending on who they're with?
Tomcat33 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 What does it say about someone who can slip that ring on and off at will depending on who they're with? the same thing it says when that same person is professing their love to someone other than their spouse: "that they are a cheater?"
White Flower Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Very well said WF! Thank you. The OW/OM feels the honor, although temporary, that the ring is coming off for them and hopefully for them alone. There may even be a silent hope that the MP would eventually be comfortable with taking that ring off forever and eventually be replacing it with another. Of course, as Owl states, there is always the knowledge that the MP slipped it off too easily. One can never really know the intention behind that act unless it is backed up by other actions.
Unforgetable77 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 That is exactly it. If you are going to hold my hand, caress my face in a restaurant, and kiss me or simply BE with me on MY time it's not going to happen with a ring on your finger. My ex learned that quickly. He had to meet with his W (at the time) to go over their stuff one time and he came to see me after this with his ring on, he never heard the end of it from my part after that. He gave me the song and dance that he did it for her because she had people over at the house and she didn't want to let on they were having problems or that he had moved out (what a bunch of bullcrap now looking back!!) anyway after we had it out that one time and he never did it again. I have no clue if he continued to wear the ring behind my back but while he was with me there was no ring. Ive had pretty much the same excuses told to me when he Forgot to remove his ring before meeting with me, he hadnt removed it for 10+ years before i told him i was offended by it for now the ring remains off and the only reason i know this is because the tell tale ridge that was left behind has now gone
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 This is too complicated.. I don't mind the ring.. what if he forget to put it back.. what if he leave it at my place. what if he lose it.. naaahhh.. I wouldn't want to 'stress' him out with that detail...
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Lizzie...this is one of those prime examples of the DIFFERENCE between your position and that of the 'true' OW. If they're in love...then they want to SEE that they're "the one" and that he's respecting them by not showing tokens of his love for his wife when he's with them. In your case, there's no "love" in the picture...its an entirely different arena.
Unforgetable77 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 This is too complicated.. I don't mind the ring.. what if he forget to put it back.. what if he leave it at my place. what if he lose it.. naaahhh.. I wouldn't want to 'stress' him out with that detail... Oh Lizzie, You crack me up if he left it at my house im sure i could could accidently lose it:confused: anyway i don't have that problem anymore:)
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Lizzie...this is one of those prime examples of the DIFFERENCE between your position and that of the 'true' OW. If they're in love...then they want to SEE that they're "the one" and that he's respecting them by not showing tokens of his love for his wife when he's with them. In your case, there's no "love" in the picture...its an entirely different arena. My my.. Owl.. you are sooo totally wrong.. my MM from work.. is head over heels in love with me.. he wanted to leave his W last year... he has absolutely no idea of my second life.. none.. or he would go nuts.. He wears his ring.. answer his W's calls (she calls about 10 times a day) even while we're in bed.. If you want to call him 'not a true MM' then go ahead.. it's your prerogative.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Oh Lizzie, You crack me up if he left it at my house im sure i could could accidently lose it:confused: anyway i don't have that problem anymore:) Oh.. I didn't think about this one.. Hum.... food for thought... moouuhahahahaaa
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 In your case, there's no "love" in the picture...its an entirely different arena. I think Owl meant OW who are inlove with their MM and want them to take their rings off.
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Lizzie...good point. And in that case...I could believe that HE is potentially "in love" with YOU...but clearly those feelings aren't reciprocated. Not to mention that you're pretty much treating him the same way that any of the cheating spouses around here treat the people in their life too... He cheats on his wife with you...you cheat on him with your "clients"...no one but you knows the whole truth of the situation...and you're proud of that fact. Blech...
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Lizzie...good point. And in that case...I could believe that HE is potentially "in love" with YOU...but clearly those feelings aren't reciprocated. Not to mention that you're pretty much treating him the same way that any of the cheating spouses around here treat the people in their life too... He cheats on his wife with you...you cheat on him with your "clients"...no one but you knows the whole truth of the situation...and you're proud of that fact. Blech... Not necessarily proud but hey I don't owe anyone any excuses.. I do what I want... on my conditions, when I want... I am single.. remember..
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I think Owl meant OW who are inlove with their MM and want them to take their rings off. Yabut.. that means nothing... I'm sure some OW are in love with their MMs and have never requested them to take their rings off... to each their own... Not everyone see the 'ring' as the ultimate sign of fidelity..
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