Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 All the shenanigans in my life today made me think about the 'no contact' rule we talk about here on Loveshack. I like that rule it's gotten me through the last year alone and it has helped me heal from at least two very intense relationships. Today, I finally plucked up the b@lls to walk away once and for all, from a situation which was essentially toxic for me. The person concerned didn't really know themselves emotionally and psychologically. This person treated me like a disposable commodity, to be picked up when needed and dropped when not. Well, I kinda grew tired of all that cr@p and ditched even the 'friends' pretense. I don't need drama in my life. Sure the excitement and dopamine was nice for a while, but I know exactly what I'm looking for - a man with a spine and a heap of emotional and intellectual intelligence to go with it. Maybe he's out there, maybe he isn't. I don't much care... I'm good with myself and who I am. I don't need anyone, I want to have that addition in my life, at some point. So the person concerned isn't quite aware of it yet - because he's too busy ignoring me like a school kid would... but I'm in complete no contact, even at work. I know what this does though. Sooner or later, that person comes around. That person regrets what happened. The problem we see time and again here at Loveshack is people cave, people give in to the person, the ideal they thought they were... well let me tell you, that person is gone, if they were ever totally there at all. So from the initiator of no contact, the wisest, kindest and most important thing to do is to ensure you maintain your stance. Wise up to their ways and avoid the traps. I've actually learned today that my ex-partner from a year ago, he did me a favour. Not once has he ever broken nc. At times I hated him for it. At times I couldn't understand why and how he could. Now, I know. He was doing the right thing. I'm good with that, I like doing the right thing. Especially when it's for me. What do you guys do when you go no contact...? How do you keep your will not to succumb to the advances of an ex..?
jerbear Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What do you guys do when you go no contact...? How do you keep your will not to succumb to the advances of an ex..? Just have to continue doing what you've always wanted to do. If you always wanted to do XYZ, now is the time. By doing what you like would divert your attention away. Find a new passion away from the ex and just focus elsewhere.
foxh1234 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 All the shenanigans in my life today made me think about the 'no contact' rule we talk about here on Loveshack. I like that rule it's gotten me through the last year alone and it has helped me heal from at least two very intense relationships. Today, I finally plucked up the b@lls to walk away once and for all, from a situation which was essentially toxic for me. The person concerned didn't really know themselves emotionally and psychologically. This person treated me like a disposable commodity, to be picked up when needed and dropped when not. Well, I kinda grew tired of all that cr@p and ditched even the 'friends' pretense. I don't need drama in my life. Sure the excitement and dopamine was nice for a while, but I know exactly what I'm looking for - a man with a spine and a heap of emotional and intellectual intelligence to go with it. Maybe he's out there, maybe he isn't. I don't much care... I'm good with myself and who I am. I don't need anyone, I want to have that addition in my life, at some point. So the person concerned isn't quite aware of it yet - because he's too busy ignoring me like a school kid would... but I'm in complete no contact, even at work. I know what this does though. Sooner or later, that person comes around. That person regrets what happened. The problem we see time and again here at Loveshack is people cave, people give in to the person, the ideal they thought they were... well let me tell you, that person is gone, if they were ever totally there at all. So from the initiator of no contact, the wisest, kindest and most important thing to do is to ensure you maintain your stance. Wise up to their ways and avoid the traps. I've actually learned today that my ex-partner from a year ago, he did me a favour. Not once has he ever broken nc. At times I hated him for it. At times I couldn't understand why and how he could. Now, I know. He was doing the right thing. I'm good with that, I like doing the right thing. Especially when it's for me. What do you guys do when you go no contact...? How do you keep your will not to succumb to the advances of an ex..? Hi Chinook, good for you for taking this stance and starting NC. I have struggled with NC for the last few months and have contacted her a few times and always set myself back. I really think we all need to fail at this a few times to really get serious about it. As of today I am on permanent NC as I told her I never wanted to see her or talk to her again. I will never respond again, no doubts, not gonna happen. You are so right about your ex doing you a big favor by not contacting you. The more my ex contacted me, the more I hurt. If you ever feel like breaking NC, ask yourself exactly what you want to say to the ex and how this will help you. I think you will decide not to do it. Good Luck and I have faith in you.
kyta Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I havnt broken nc and dont intend to, i have no question to ask her, and she has no answers i want to hear, so nc it is, nothing we hear now will be anygood even if it is to say sry or come home, those who cave and go back or talk will end up hurting again, or nearly everyone, nc all the way, and it is easier than you think to keep it up.
kizik Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Sooner or later, that person comes around. That person regrets what happened. The problem we see time and again here at Loveshack is people cave, people give in to the person, the ideal they thought they were... well let me tell you, that person is gone, if they were ever totally there at all. So from the initiator of no contact, the wisest, kindest and most important thing to do is to ensure you maintain your stance. Wise up to their ways and avoid the traps. I've actually learned today that my ex-partner from a year ago, he did me a favour. Not once has he ever broken nc. At times I hated him for it. At times I couldn't understand why and how he could. Now, I know. He was doing the right thing. Thanks Chinook, as someone who wishes / doesn't wish she would call, I appreciate your perspective here.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 What do you guys do when you go no contact...? How do you keep your will not to succumb to the advances of an ex..?I have only gone NC with exes that were simply terrible people and hurt or would hurt me and so I have never had any problem with it. They knew what they did and I told them directly that I no longer wanted to know them. One had to be given multiple restraining orders before he got the point.
foolednm Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I havnt broken nc and dont intend to, i have no question to ask her, and she has no answers i want to hear, so nc it is, nothing we hear now will be anygood even if it is to say sry or come home, those who cave and go back or talk will end up hurting again, or nearly everyone, nc all the way, and it is easier than you think to keep it up. I have been nc for about 6 weeks now, and it is getting harder to stay away. The only thing helping me is that she is with someone else now and is sleeping with him at his place every weekend, and during the week he goes to her house to visit then goes home late at night. I miss her good part, but I have been thinking about all the hell she put me through and the intentional pain she inflicted on me, just to be mean and to hurt me because she was mad for some BS reason. I am tired of the lies, the ignoring when she was mad, the being cold when I tried to make up, and I'm sure you all can add a few more things.... I am beginning to feel my love for her disappear, I still am so attracted to her, so I stay away, because if I see her, I will fall backwards so fast. I hate her because it was so easy for her to pick up a new guy on Match.com or Yahoo personals, she was on both at the same time. I hate that I don't mean anything to her anymore. I hate that it was so easy for her to get over me. I guess that's a big one for me. I still can't get over her. I miss her, but I hate her, but I love her in a way, but I know I can't go back once she's been with at least 2-3 guys, that I KNOW about. She's used up, damaged goods. But I still have such strong feelings for her. Sorry, I seem to have rambled on and on. So, here I am, trying to stick with NC, it isn't easy, I wish there was a pill you could take to erase them from your mind. Any suggestions?
FadedSign Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I am right there with you foolednm. A few weeks after my ex moved out shes already with someone else which really made me distraught when I found out. I would have thought that out of respect for herself, the new guy and perhaps me just a little, she would have waited a few months after ending an 8 year relationship. But it is because of her weakness, she is incapable of being on her own. That doesn't mean my feelings for her are gone. And I know she has feelings for me but she is dealing with them in a different way than I am - by jumping into something else right away. I am also trying to stick with NC but have found it very hard, I've broken is a few times. Every time I did it only ended up hurting me more. Try and stay busy and don't drink too much :-) Good luck!
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