BUENG1 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 i swear i dont understand people. i think i am different. if i am in to a person the sex is great, if i am not the sex is not. i totally loved my ex wife so our sex was always great. there have been people who i wasnt as in to and were just with out of convenience and the sex showed that. i mean if everything else fits with this woman why wouldn't the sex add up too? if you were compatible wouldn't you talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom? wouldnt you both be willing to try things? i mean do you really think you are into regular stuff (maybe a little kinky, but nothing too weird) and you will find out on your wedding night that she is into dominatrix? i am not big on the "sexual chemistry" thing, unless it is a one night stand, sexual chemistry is for the birds in my opinion. if you are in love or dig that person, things usually work out. Well I think a large number of people think sex is very important in a relationship. Plenty of relationships and marriages end because of "sexual incompatability". Saying you know everything will prolly work out so don't worry about it, is kind of naive, it doesn't work for many people.
Shygirl15 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Keyword: Usually. This is correct, however I'm not willing to base a marriage upon "usually" Agree. Too risky to wait till marriage. However, I believe females have a lot more to worry about in situations like this, than males..
daphne Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Agree. Too risky to wait till marriage. However, I believe females have a lot more to worry about in situations like this, than males.. he he. I concur. That's why it's a shame that she doesn't know that she could get a lemon the first try. I did.
bigmanpayne Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I would say atleast three times to know. I am open to just about anything, I have never tried having sex a few times then just stopping so I have no idea. I can't imagine a circumstance where that would occur besides me going to prison or war, which isn't happening. so what you are saying is that it isn't about the supposed "test drive" right? it sounds to me like you just want to be sexually active. the "test drive" is just some 'Tom Leykis' cop-out. this is all due respect to you, i dont know you, i am just stating my opinions. 3 times? how ridiculous does that sound. can you imagine yourself talking to her after the 3rd time... "OK, the 3rd time was the charm. we can now wait 18 months to get married... I now know!" c'mon man. sex is not the end all be all and seriously if you make it the end all be all you will not find real happiness. just my opinion.
bigmanpayne Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Well I think a large number of people think sex is very important in a relationship. Plenty of relationships and marriages end because of "sexual incompatability". Saying you know everything will prolly work out so don't worry about it, is kind of naive, it doesn't work for many people. honestly i dont know everything. i just have an opinion. address the points i made. how often will you be totally and passionately in love with every aspect of a person and then not be sexually compatible with that person? they talk the way you want, they are considerate of your wants and needs, they act like you like, they smell great, cook great, take great care of the kids, look like a model, clean well, get along with your family, their friends all like you and then you go to the bedroom and you 2 just cant get on the same page... that doesnt make sense. again, just my opinion. bad sex in my experiences have come from me not really being into that person whether it be physcially or emotionally. JUST MY OPINIONS
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Everyone in here talking about how sex isn't that important -- sorry, you're wrong. To many people, myself included, it's very important. It's not the ONLY important thing, but it is important. Many points of connection are important -- intellectual, emotional, practical, and, yes, sexual. I wouldn't marry someone I'd never had a deep conversation with, had an argument with, gotten through some practically challenging matters with, been through tough times with. And I certainly wouldn't marry a man I hadn't had sex with. I had a serious relationship in the past that was wonderful in just about every area -- except sexual. Though he was loving, fun, generous, brilliant, attractive, and erudite, he had all kinds of hangups and guilt and weird ideas about sex. He waited as long as he could to have sex because he was worried his awkward sexual persona would be a dealbreaker for me. I tried to help him work on his myriad issues, but when no real progress had been made 3 1/2 years later, we split up. If I had married him without knowing about his sexual hangups, I would have been miserable and almost certainly divorced. I applaud Mahatma for realizing this is a dealbreaker, rather than trying to push his girlfriend to abandon her values or taking a huge (and, IMO, rather stupid) risk.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 they talk the way you want, they are considerate of your wants and needs, they act like you like, they smell great, cook great, take great care of the kids, look like a model, clean well, get along with your family, their friends all like you and then you go to the bedroom and you 2 just cant get on the same page... that doesnt make sense. It happened to me. On paper, it was the best relationship I ever had. All our friends were envious and said we were the perfect couple. We were committed, loving, and completely into each other. I thought he was totally dreamy, and he couldn't wait to introduce me to everyone he knew. We threw the most fabulous parties at our house, where dozens of people called or e-mailed the next day to tell us it was the best party they'd ever been to. We had our own lives but did lots of fun things together. We totally had each other's backs. But it turned out that his sexual weirdness had been a large factor in every one of his breakups. The sex was good maybe 20% of the time. The rest of the time, it was bad, and it really took a toll on both of us.
just-a-girl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I think if every thing else is on point then I would wait for her. Sex is important but it is the least important of all the major issues. I can't speak for everyone else but if I am fulfilled in all other departments then sex is amazing as well, if I am not happy in the other departments then sex is awful no matter how "good" it is. A perfect example is my X we had earth shaking sex it was off the charts amazing but we started to have $$$ issues and trust issues the sex declined as well. It was not that the sex had changed my feelings about him changed and that plays a major role in the bedroom. If she is an amazing person it is almost inevitable that the sex will be too but if there are other departments that are "EH" then the sex probably won't be that great.
Author Mahatma Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 so what you are saying is that it isn't about the supposed "test drive" right? it sounds to me like you just want to be sexually active. the "test drive" is just some 'Tom Leykis' cop-out. this is all due respect to you, i dont know you, i am just stating my opinions. 3 times? how ridiculous does that sound. can you imagine yourself talking to her after the 3rd time... "OK, the 3rd time was the charm. we can now wait 18 months to get married... I now know!" c'mon man. sex is not the end all be all and seriously if you make it the end all be all you will not find real happiness. just my opinion. No, I absolutely can't imagine myself saying that after three times, and I wouldn't. Like I said, it would take atleast three times before I knew if I was compatible (more like three times to know if you completely aren't). You are the one who brought up the idea of the "test drive" of whether or not I could stop after those three times and I said I would be willing to try it. It isn't about getting to the sex. It's about sex in general. Would you date a girl who said to you "no kissing until marriage?" Where is your line drawn? Do not beset me for my way of thinking.
bigmanpayne Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 No, I absolutely can't imagine myself saying that after three times, and I wouldn't. Like I said, it would take atleast three times before I knew if I was compatible (more like three times to know if you completely aren't). You are the one who brought up the idea of the "test drive" of whether or not I could stop after those three times and I said I would be willing to try it. It isn't about getting to the sex. It's about sex in general. Would you date a girl who said to you "no kissing until marriage?" Where is your line drawn? Do not beset me for my way of thinking. honestly no disrespect. keep your beliefs or whatever. i respect your choices and decisions likes and dislikes - to each his own. i am giving opinions just like you are but let's be grown ups right now - no lying. dont take offense to what i am going to say, i post a lot on here and i always love it when someone tells me EXACTLY what they think, unfiltered! you won't come out and just admit you want to have sex. period. thats it. test drive sounds like a cop-out. you are essentially asking for a test drive by saying you want to find out if you are "compatible" or not. you just like having sex and dont want to be with someone and not have sex with them. you dont want to say that because that makes you sound insensitive, mean, uncaring, cold, etc. you are getting defensive because you know it sounds ridiculous. you know that 3 times stuff sounds stupid. once you knew you were compatible you still wouldn't want to stop which means it really isnt about the compatibility issue, thats all i am pointing out. i dont care what anyone says, sex is not the main issue or even in the top 5 and if you 2 ever had children it wouldnt be in the top 10 of important issues. i just believe you dont want to say outloud that you might be throwing away a great relationship just because you want to have sex. dont get me wrong, if that is what you feel then do it, just be honest about it. again, i just dont think this is a big enough issue to break off a great relationship over. is she willing to do anything else? is it just intercourse or is it everything? is there any middle ground? i am a firm believer that people throw away great relationships everyday because they are not willing to put aside that which is truly unimportant. its like someone who only dates black men. you might be missing your soulmate by limiting yourself to just one segment of men. just my thoughts. i think its actually brave to share your feelings about this with everyone. good luck.
Author Mahatma Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 honestly no disrespect. keep your beliefs or whatever. i respect your choices and decisions likes and dislikes - to each his own. i am giving opinions just like you are but let's be grown ups right now - no lying. dont take offense to what i am going to say, i post a lot on here and i always love it when someone tells me EXACTLY what they think, unfiltered! you won't come out and just admit you want to have sex. period. thats it. test drive sounds like a cop-out. you are essentially asking for a test drive by saying you want to find out if you are "compatible" or not. you just like having sex and dont want to be with someone and not have sex with them. you dont want to say that because that makes you sound insensitive, mean, uncaring, cold, etc. you are getting defensive because you know it sounds ridiculous. you know that 3 times stuff sounds stupid. once you knew you were compatible you still wouldn't want to stop which means it really isnt about the compatibility issue, thats all i am pointing out. i dont care what anyone says, sex is not the main issue or even in the top 5 and if you 2 ever had children it wouldnt be in the top 10 of important issues. i just believe you dont want to say outloud that you might be throwing away a great relationship just because you want to have sex. dont get me wrong, if that is what you feel then do it, just be honest about it. again, i just dont think this is a big enough issue to break off a great relationship over. is she willing to do anything else? is it just intercourse or is it everything? is there any middle ground? i am a firm believer that people throw away great relationships everyday because they are not willing to put aside that which is truly unimportant. its like someone who only dates black men. you might be missing your soulmate by limiting yourself to just one segment of men. just my thoughts. i think its actually brave to share your feelings about this with everyone. good luck. I appreciate your responses and understanding, but you don't quite fully understand if you are just now trying to tell me that I want sex. It's not that I "wont admit" it. I will. We are still dating and I will continue to date her until it becomes an issue for me. The only thing I was concerned about was whether it was right to be waiting and seeing if it would work out, knowing full well that it might not. I let her know and we talked about it. I really value and enjoy what we have right now and the connection we share. Right now I don't really need the sex. Sure, I want it, but its not necessary now, and maybe it won't be for me and her, or maybe it will become a problem and I will end the relationship. This thread is basically closed as I have decided just telling her what the deal is is the best way to go about it. Thanks for all the responses.
Balthazar Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I don't want to be three months into a relationship with no sex. I mean if my sexual needs are not being fulfilled by my GF, than they will have to be served by some other girl. But that's not a relationship, is it? You see, by not having sex until marriage this woman is impressing her values upon you also, because you can be certain that she expects you NOT to go out with other women too. So, no sex for her means no sex for you. Sounds pretty selfish if you think about it, and this is a very backward mentality for this day and age. You are better off finding somebody else, or just date her AND other women(just make this clear to her!). CHeers,
philip.philipflores Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Yes, I personally believe that you are right. I will pray to god that you get what you want. God bless you!
trubella Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Right now I don't really need the sex. Sure, I want it, but its not necessary now, and maybe it won't be for me and her, or maybe it will become a problem and I will end the relationship. This thread is basically closed as I have decided just telling her what the deal is is the best way to go about it. Thanks for all the responses. so you'd rather drag this on further until you feel the need to have sex. guess that makes sense.. wonder how long this'll last.
Walking away Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Exactly. If she's made it clear she wants to save herself for her husband then he should respect that. He should either respect her decision and stay or do not and leave. But to "ask her" to have sex with him because he wants to "drive the car around the block before he buys it" is ridiculous. She wants to save herself for her husband. That's a wonderfully noble thing to do. I agree completely. She is respecting herself and her future husband. And there is nothing wrong with that. Ever.
bigmanpayne Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 i agree completely. She is respecting herself and her future husband. And there is nothing wrong with that. Ever. thank you!
Walking away Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I'm with you on this one, bigmanpayne.... I am waiting til marriage now. I did it the other way and totally screwed up all my relationships. Difference: My guy agrees with my stance. Actually, he brought it up. We want the other parts of the relationship develop and blossom to make this the right relationship for us. And, don't get me wrong: we have a ton of chemistry. We are just choosing to wait. To save something for marriage. Of course, our faith has alot to do with it. And that may be the same with this girl. Who knows? But I commend her. I wish I had taken that stance years ago. It would have saved me tons of heartache. But, lesson learned. Good for the OP's girl. I'm proud of her for respecting herself and doing what is right for HER. I, for one, am doing the same.
Author Mahatma Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 so you'd rather drag this on further until you feel the need to have sex. guess that makes sense.. wonder how long this'll last. I'll let you know, I'm going off to college this fall and she isn't going to the same place. We are going to be an hour and a half apart. If it's going to happen, it probably will about a month n a half. I've never tried a long distance relationship like that.
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