Mahatma Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now and we are getting along perfectly. I really enjoy spending time with her and just being with her and she feels the same. However one fundamental difference between us is she won't have sex before marriage and I will. The way I see it personally is I will never marry someone until I know what they are like sexually. I've had relationships end because of sexual incompatibility and would never stake a marriage on the hopes that things go well sexually after marriage. I haven't tried pushing her too much on the issue because I personally don't think it is fair for someone to try and change another persons beliefs for their own benefit, but at the same time I completely disagree with her way of thinking along the lines of no sex before marriage. So my question is should I just end the relationship before either of us get too attached? I'm starting to have serious feelings for her, but each time I feel this way I know we could NEVER actually last, because of the differing beliefs. More importantly is her, I don't want to continue leading her on in thinking that it is going great. I think she is starting to grow more attached to me, and she isn't having any problems with our differing beliefs so I really don't want to crush her by waiting too long. As I mentioned earlier I don't want to make her think she's gotta abandon her beliefs for me, but at the same time she has to. Hopefully someone can understand what I'm trying to say and give me some advice on what I can say to her without making it sound like I'm trying to change her beliefs.
trubella Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 i've been down this road before with a youth pastor who also didnt believe in premarital sex- but i do. we dated for 2months. after awhile you start to resent them. even though everything else in the R was going well.. it becomes a problem eventually. its best to move on. find someone you are compatible with.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If that's her commitment you either respect her or find someone else. It would be even worse if she gives you her virginity only to find out you dumped her afterwards. How is she suppose to feel after that?
Author Mahatma Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 If that's her commitment you either respect her or find someone else. It would be even worse if she gives you her virginity only to find out you dumped her afterwards. How is she suppose to feel after that? Well I completely understand and respect her decision. However my plan isn't to get it and leave. I am not here to argue about sex before marriage. You won't be able to change my mind on the issue, and I hardly think anyone else will change their minds either. I am asking about how to approach this issue with my girlfriend.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well I completely understand and respect her decision. However my plan isn't to get it and leave. I am not here to argue about sex before marriage. You won't be able to change my mind on the issue, and I hardly think anyone else will change their minds either. I am asking about how to approach this issue with my girlfriend. I'm not trying to change your mind. I'm saying that there's no way you can get her to change hers. If that's her commitment there's no way you can make her have sex. Just find someone else.
trubella Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I am asking about how to approach this issue with my girlfriend. whatelse is there to say to her about this issue.. trust me her views will never change, that was my 1st mistake going into that R, thinking within time he'd compromise.. its best to move on.
gummybear Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well I completely understand and respect her decision. However my plan isn't to get it and leave. I am not here to argue about sex before marriage. You won't be able to change my mind on the issue, and I hardly think anyone else will change their minds either. I am asking about how to approach this issue with my girlfriend. I think if I were in your shoes, I would sit down with the gf and tell her exactly what you just explained to us. That you understand her beliefs and respect it, but that you see sexual compabitlity as something important before marriage. See what her thoughts are. To be honest, if she stands firm on her beliefs, than you two are not meant for each other. It is better to end it sooner rather than later. My friend had the same situation and they broke up.
bigmanpayne Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 i swear i dont understand people. i think i am different. if i am in to a person the sex is great, if i am not the sex is not. i totally loved my ex wife so our sex was always great. there have been people who i wasnt as in to and were just with out of convenience and the sex showed that. i mean if everything else fits with this woman why wouldn't the sex add up too? if you were compatible wouldn't you talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom? wouldnt you both be willing to try things? i mean do you really think you are into regular stuff (maybe a little kinky, but nothing too weird) and you will find out on your wedding night that she is into dominatrix? i am not big on the "sexual chemistry" thing, unless it is a one night stand, sexual chemistry is for the birds in my opinion. if you are in love or dig that person, things usually work out.
gummybear Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 i swear i dont understand people. i think i am different. if i am in to a person the sex is great, if i am not the sex is not. i totally loved my ex wife so our sex was always great. there have been people who i wasnt as in to and were just with out of convenience and the sex showed that. i mean if everything else fits with this woman why wouldn't the sex add up too? if you were compatible wouldn't you talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom? wouldnt you both be willing to try things? i mean do you really think you are into regular stuff (maybe a little kinky, but nothing too weird) and you will find out on your wedding night that she is into dominatrix? i am not big on the "sexual chemistry" thing, unless it is a one night stand, sexual chemistry is for the birds in my opinion. if you are in love or dig that person, things usually work out. But the OP is not talking about 'bad' sex, he's talking about 'no' sex. She doesnt want sex until marriage. I for one don't mind 'boring' sex cuz I'm good as long as I love the person, any sex is good....but if we can't have sex at all that would be a huge problem for me....
bigmanpayne Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 But the OP is not talking about 'bad' sex, he's talking about 'no' sex. She doesnt want sex until marriage. I for one don't mind 'boring' sex cuz I'm good as long as I love the person, any sex is good....but if we can't have sex at all that would be a huge problem for me.... yeah, i agree - so what does it matter? that's all i was saying. if you love someone it doesnt matter - to me if i love the person, there is no bad sex. no sex would be the problem.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 yeah, i agree - so what does it matter? that's all i was saying. if you love someone it doesnt matter - to me if i love the person, there is no bad sex. no sex would be the problem. Yeah but the girl doesn't want sex. Not doesn't want bad sex, she wants no sex until they're married.
Author Mahatma Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 things usually work out. Keyword: Usually. This is correct, however I'm not willing to base a marriage upon "usually"
xpaperxcutx Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Keyword: Usually. This is correct, however I'm not willing to base a marriage upon "usually" Wait so how long have you guys been dating? 3 months. Okay so if she has sex with you, she loses her virginity FOREVER... for a short term relationship if things don't work out. Do you see yourself marrying her?
bigmanpayne Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Keyword: Usually. This is correct, however I'm not willing to base a marriage upon "usually" why are you basing a marriage on sex anyway? i am not challenging your beliefs, but in one day lets say you have sex for 45 min. and sleep for 8 hours and 15 minutes. its the other 15 hours that is important. you see a lot of marriages end because of no sex, very few for bad sex. honestly, how many people say that everything in a marriage is perfect except they aren't "sexually compatible?" not often, it happens, but not often. i am not judging you, but i think you just want to have sex with the person you are with. if she has sex with you about 5 times is that enough for you to know? i mean what is the cut off? be honest. is there a cut off, or is it that you just want to continuously have sex until you get married? how many times would it take for you to know? after you reach that cut off, and you know... is it OK to go back to no sex until marriage?
Author Mahatma Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Wait so how long have you guys been dating? 3 months. Okay so if she has sex with you, she loses her virginity FOREVER... for a short term relationship if things don't work out. Do you see yourself marrying her? Even if she didn't think it was a problem to have sex before marriage, I wouldn't expect her to lose her virginity in 3 months of dating. The question here has nothing to do with attempting to get her to lose her virginity to me. The question is whether or not to keep it going until its such a big problem for me that I really just want to end it. I don't want to lead her on and make her think it may go anywhere except a break up. Sure, there is a small chance I'll wait five years until I'm ready to think about getting married and still be dating this girl without sex, but its very small. What I am trying to get from this community is whether or not you all think it is right to keep this relationship going even though I'm always thinking about when enough is going to be enough and I'm going to break up with her. I told myself when I started dating her that as soon as it became a problem, I would just end the relationship for myself. Then over time I realized she is in the relationship too, and it wouldn't be fair for me to just all of a sudden be like "oh hey, this has been a problem for a while and now its time to end this." But at the same time I really like the relationship we have now and I would like to continue it to see where it goes (not talking about sex here). I don't know if thats very fair for her though. I know it kinda bugs me now, and I'm pretty sure it will 6 months from now still. So is it fair to her to just keep going knowing what we are going to break up over if we do.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 breaking up is inevitable because eventually you'll want sex.
sid3 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I agree with the poster who sugested telling her what you've explained here. At least you'll have the piece of mind in having been honest and respectful to her beliefs. No sex before marriage is great if that's the way one wants to live their life. I agree with you 100%, I would want to know there isn't a compatability issue before marriage. Your wise to get out of this R now instead of later. I wouldn't try to change anyone's beliefs either, to each their own. While it's purely speculation, I'd think a person who doesn't have sex unitl they're married probaly doesn't want sex much after they are. Ouch!
Author Mahatma Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 how many people say that everything in a marriage is perfect except they aren't "sexually compatible?" not often, it happens, but not often. I'd like to see the statistic of how many couples out of 1,000 get married before having sex. I would say that the majority of people have sex before they get married, so of course its not often people divorce over sex. While it's purely speculation, I'd think a person who doesn't have sex unitl they're married probaly doesn't want sex much after they are. Ouch! I'd say it is quite the opposite. If you haven't had sex, you wouldn't really want it as much as you would if you have already had it and experienced how incredible it can be. Once you have for the first few times, I'm sure you'd want it as often as anyone else.
bigmanpayne Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'd like to see the statistic of how many couples out of 1,000 get married before having sex. I would say that the majority of people have sex before they get married, so of course its not often people divorce over sex. I'd say it is quite the opposite. If you haven't had sex, you wouldn't really want it as much as you would if you have already had it and experienced how incredible it can be. Once you have for the first few times, I'm sure you'd want it as often as anyone else. answer my other questions. what is the cut off? how many times do you need to have sex with her before you know if you are compatible? and when you do reach the cutoff, are you open to going back to no sex before marriage?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I think you're taking a very mature and rational approach to this. I would never marry someone I wasn't sure I was sexually compatible with, either. I agree that you should just tell her what you've said here. This really is nothing personal. Both of you will go on to find someone with similar value systems.
Author Mahatma Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 answer my other questions. what is the cut off? how many times do you need to have sex with her before you know if you are compatible? and when you do reach the cutoff, are you open to going back to no sex before marriage? I would say atleast three times to know. I am open to just about anything, I have never tried having sex a few times then just stopping so I have no idea. I can't imagine a circumstance where that would occur besides me going to prison or war, which isn't happening.
CaliGuy Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Yeah but the girl doesn't want sex. Not doesn't want bad sex, she wants no sex until they're married. Exactly. If she's made it clear she wants to save herself for her husband then he should respect that. He should either respect her decision and stay or do not and leave. But to "ask her" to have sex with him because he wants to "drive the car around the block before he buys it" is ridiculous. She wants to save herself for her husband. That's a wonderfully noble thing to do.
CaliGuy Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I would say atleast three times to know. I am open to just about anything, I have never tried having sex a few times then just stopping so I have no idea. I can't imagine a circumstance where that would occur besides me going to prison or war, which isn't happening. Then you're the wrong man for her. Plain and simple.
StartingOver07 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 i swear i dont understand people. i think i am different. if i am in to a person the sex is great, if i am not the sex is not. i totally loved my ex wife so our sex was always great. there have been people who i wasnt as in to and were just with out of convenience and the sex showed that. i mean if everything else fits with this woman why wouldn't the sex add up too? if you were compatible wouldn't you talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom? wouldnt you both be willing to try things? i mean do you really think you are into regular stuff (maybe a little kinky, but nothing too weird) and you will find out on your wedding night that she is into dominatrix? i am not big on the "sexual chemistry" thing, unless it is a one night stand, sexual chemistry is for the birds in my opinion. if you are in love or dig that person, things usually work out. Wow. You have restored my faith in humanity. Great post! Mahatma, have you considered that good sex happens mostly in the connection between two people and not in the mechanics of activity? If you love your gf and she loves you, you will each want to do things to please each other. This is learned, not innate. I think you are placing far to much value on the concept of a sexual "road test" and far too little on your gf's character. In any case, assuming your position is firm, I think you have to tell her so, as kindly and as quickly as possible, as it is not fair to allow her to develop an attachment to you when you know you cannot reciprocate.
daphne Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 mahatma, I think you're being very considerate and mature in your approach, and I think you know the right thing to do. The deeper you two get into this, knowing that your core values are different, the more difficult to disengage without getting hurt. It seems like you respect her values, but they are simply different from yours. I don't understand why people are trying to change your mind like there's something wrong with you. Anymore than I'd understand why people would try to change her mind. You simply have different values. I can understand that since she's a virgin, she wants to wait for the right guy. I married my first due to my Catholic upbringing and pressure from my father. I get it. However, knowing what I know now, I'm not so sure I would have done that. Sexuality compatibility, while not being the most important ingredient, is nonetheless in the top 3, or 4 at worst. I think it is a bit simplistic and overly romantic to assume that emotional connection and love are enough. Case in point, a friend of mine was newly married to a woman he was crazy about. She bent over and picked up a box and her back went out. A year later she was fully disabled. For approximately 15 years he remained celibate. That was love. However, he now has a girlfriend and I can't blame him, honestly. His life consists of sacrifice, devotion, and taking care of his wife. He won't divorce her. He was a young man when this happened and they lost a lot of good years because of this tragedy. He still loves his wife, but he still has needs.
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