Duke82 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 This may be long, so thank you for those who read it and offer any support. Well, here it goes, my wife and I are a young couple. We have been married for over 2 years, together for about 6. We have a one year old son. We never, I am serious now, never fought in the past. I have an anger problem. I have been in and out of counseling for it in the past, but thought I was ok so I stopped. Anyways. About 6 months ago, I really started treating my wife like crap. I have never layed a hand on her, but I emotionally abused her. It wasn't an everyday thing, but everynow and then, I would come home mad, supper wasn't cooked, house was dirty, and the smallest thing would set me off, yelling, cussing her, name calling, and sometimes i broke/threw things, not at her though. Well, I went to counseling after some bickering, and we thought I was ok, so I stopped going. Big mistake. She left me 3 weeks ago. Moved in with her parents and took my son. I am moving out to a duplex next week, so my son can have his room back with the crib and all. I also have a 5 year old daughter that isn't my wifes. Anyways, at first she said it was over. No couples counseling or nothing. As time has gone by (only 3 weeks), she made me change my counselor to one she is going to start seeing next month. She said she wants to be "friends" through this, and that we need to fix ourselves before we can focus on "us". I understand all of this, I have been all over the internet and bought and read many books, church, you name it, I have done it. Well, she comes by every now and then, and after church (we sit together per her request) she usually invites me to lunch. She said she had to leave, my anger made her put up a barrier and that I broke down a lot of the feelings she had for me. She told me she doesn't want a divorce now or a legal separation, but she wants to be "separated" for the time being. We live in NC so we need a 12 month separation, which she refuses to do. She texts me off and on, and emails me back and forth all day everyday. She never wants to talk about us though. She said she wants me to be the old me so we can fall back in love again, but right now she is scared untill we both go back into counseling by ourselves. We have our good days and our bad. No fighting though, usually we just get upset and cry to each other. She told me today she really hopes we can work this out, but it will take time. My world is a wreck without her. She is everything I could ever ask in a woman. My friends come over, but I make them leave, I am not eatting, and have lost 15 pounds in this 3 weeks alone. My mother calls me all day to check on me, but she says every freakin time "she aint gonna come back". I just don't know what to do? I know there isn't a magic answer, but is there any hope in this?
Keridan Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Oh man, you got a tough one there. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine how I would handle it if my wife moved out. She is my everything. I really do think you have a hope here. You know what you did wrong and don't make excuses for it. That's a start. You also are willing to seek help, that's another great step. You are managing to be together without making anything worse. That's another huge step. From what you say, it really sounds like she wants to work it out, too. She wants to spend time together and keep communication open. That's always a great sign. She doesn't want to separate or talk about divorce. Things could definately be a lot worse, bud. Personally, I'm a big fan of the "treat her like it's all new" theory. Charm her a little. Flowers, dates, suprise gestures of love. Don't push it on her and don't make it a plot to get her back. You still have to go through counseling with her and take the proper steps, but have some fun with her. There is never harm in flirting with your wife and trying to date her. Even if things are going great, it's still a smart move. We aren't all perfect. I forget things or get too busy at times, but I try to make sure my wife and I go on a date once a week and that I bring her flowers or some other gift once in a while. Just keep it easy going and make it enjoyable. I think you will find that you don't have to push anything. You will find each other again and have a great time doing it. She obviously loves you just like you love her. I wish you the best! I really do think it will work out for you
Billy Bob Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I really started treating my wife like crap. I have never layed a hand on her, but I emotionally abused her. It wasn't an everyday thing, but everynow and then, I would come home mad, supper wasn't cooked, house was dirty, and the smallest thing would set me off, yelling, cussing her, name calling, and sometimes i broke/threw things, not at her though. I agree with your mom, she isn't coming back.. she is probably just easing you into getting comfortable with the situation. After a while she will want a "legal seperation" or a divorce. This kind of rage/emotional abuse/control destroys a person inside. If I were her I wouldn't want my child exposed to it and would be absolutely sure I could find someone else to be happy with.
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Time heals - one way or another. You will need to learn patience and perserverence. Love your children and take care of them. Be there and love your wife. Do not be pushy as it will just push her away. When you get angry, just excuse yourself and go for a walk. Divorce/separation is a terrible rollercoaster ride of emotions.
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If you are working on your issues, keep it up. Remember, it's easy to go back to the way you were if you don't truly understand yourself and the reason for your behavior. Lasting change requires lasting commitment. You have to be responsible for your actions, which left unchecked could cause even more damage in the future. On a final note, show your wife love and concern and appreciation. I wish you the best.
Author Duke82 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I have committed myself to God, my kids, and fixing myself. I will never stop working on this issue, even when I believe I am ok. I saw the negative post, and I wonder, if she isn't coming back, how come last sunday when I took off my ring she cried and said " So you think there is no hope?". This is a very confusing time for us both, I believe. I just hope I can fix myself, before its too late, if it isn't already.
Keridan Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'm sure it's just as confusing for her. She has no idea what she's doing. There is no road map that says "To fix your marraige, follow the yellow path to the X". It sounds like she loves you and wants to fix things, but she's gunshy and scared. She needs time to trust and love you like before, just like you need time to find the person you were before. I think you are perfectly reasonable to hold out hope!
SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 It sounds like there is hope. Just keep working on yourself. Taking off your ring is like saying "it over... I'm dating other people". Don't do that again if you want to stay married. I plan on keeping my ring on until the divorce is final, if/when that time comes.
Author Duke82 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I put it back on immediately after she got upset, but hers has been off since the day she left. I told her what my mother said, and she told me not to listen to her, that she is doing the best that she can to fix this right now, and that she is really looking foward to counseling for help. Thank you guys for your support.
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Take your time, it's all good. The hardest part is not trying to control the situation and fix things. You just have to let everything chill out for a bit. Even then, we're not guaranteed to get what we want.
Billy Bob Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I put it back on immediately after she got upset, but hers has been off since the day she left. I told her what my mother said, and she told me not to listen to her, that she is doing the best that she can to fix this right now, and that she is really looking foward to counseling for help. Thank you guys for your support. She's messing with your mind. She won't wear her ring, but cries if you take yours off.. Start looking at her actions, not her words... It's all doublespeak coming out of her mouth. What is her excuse for not wearing her ring?? You are her safety net, she's going to try out a new life, but wants to be sure you are still groveling, waiting for her return if it doesn't work out. Dude! She moved out and isn't wearing her wedding ring! She's not quite sure she can do it on her own...so she will appear to be on the fence. If you really want to get her off the fence, give her an ultimatum. Tell her your done, give her back her ring, throw up a dating profile on match.com.. Let her think she is losing you, make her fight for you... If she doesn't, then she wants out and all this fence sitting is just because she is scared of change and not sure how to move forward. Psych 101 "You want what you can't have"... trust me it goes both ways... Don't let her drag you through months and months of hell... If she hasn't already figured it out in 3 weeks.. then she's playing games. I'm just telling it how I see it, I think you rattled her cage too much with the temper problems.. I really think that she is just wishy washy because she's not sure how to get from point A (married) to point B(divorced) with inflicting the minimal amount of damage to your kids and you. Oh, and if she's not wearing her ring... she's trolling.
Sum1'sGot2RepThe530 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 She's messing with your mind. She won't wear her ring, but cries if you take yours off.. Start looking at her actions, not her words... It's all doublespeak coming out of her mouth. What is her excuse for not wearing her ring?? You are her safety net, she's going to try out a new life, but wants to be sure you are still groveling, waiting for her return if it doesn't work out. Dude! She moved out and isn't wearing her wedding ring! She's not quite sure she can do it on her own...so she will appear to be on the fence. If you really want to get her off the fence, give her an ultimatum. Tell her your done, give her back her ring, throw up a dating profile on match.com.. Let her think she is losing you, make her fight for you... If she doesn't, then she wants out and all this fence sitting is just because she is scared of change and not sure how to move forward. Psych 101 "You want what you can't have"... trust me it goes both ways... Don't let her drag you through months and months of hell... If she hasn't already figured it out in 3 weeks.. then she's playing games. I'm just telling it how I see it, I think you rattled her cage too much with the temper problems.. I really think that she is just wishy washy because she's not sure how to get from point A (married) to point B(divorced) with inflicting the minimal amount of damage to your kids and you. Oh, and if she's not wearing her ring... she's trolling. True stuff. I've been a member for a few months now, and I've noticed this dude always cuts through the bull.
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