Feeling Down

[PG Love]

I'm not looking for any sort of validation I just need to get this off my chest. So please feel free to overlook, but I really am down and don't need serious bashing.

 

MM and I started an EA back in March which turned PA in April. I have been separated since 4/1 and MM has been separated since early May. We live 2 hours apart so he is staying with friends and really has no where else to go. We both have good jobs and I have 3 children and daycare is so cheap that I really can't afford to leave the area I'm at right now. So far we have been making it work. Most weeks he commutes 3 nights durring the week and then spends the weekends with me. Money is getting tight and with the gas prices this is putting a strain on that. We are feeling the crunch of the Long distance relationship, but to make matters worse I found out he lied to me about staying at her house one weekend. We've since worked through that, but BW was just admitted for 5 days the hospital for suicidal tendencies (check out another thread). She is now out and feeling better about herself, but MM was over at her house last night and they had a long talk. She still says she'd take him back if he tells her he loves her and goes NC with me. He told her he couldn't do that. He is really down today as am I about the distance, the money problems and just the overall situation. I am so scared that he's going to run back to her just because it's comfortable. He'd be back in his comfort zone and all his bills would be taken care of. He said that when he's there it is peaceful because he doesn't have to worry about the long commute and rushing to see me and rushing back to work. I told him that this was not what I wanted to hear, but if that's what he wants then lets make it happen. He said that's not what he wants, but it's really getting to him. We've talked about him moving here with me and getting a different job, but he's kind of dragging his feet because he has a good job. I don't know where to go from here. To make matters worse I think I may be pregnant. I won't know for sure for a couple of weeks, but I don't know how this will affect things. I just feel so lost, but I know it's my fault for getting myself in this situation to begin with.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok, so it looks like a LDR isn't working. So you'll either have to find a way to make it a short distance or break off the relationship.

 

This is where you guys will have to compromise or the R ends. What's important to you?

 

What if you move in together? What if he helps with the difference of the child care cost increase?

 

You can't expect him to be the one doing all the changes. You two as a couple have to put your R primary and make the necessary compromises to ensure it's success.

 

In my R, we moved in together after they separated. I moved to his area and got a job here because the commute was too long. I took a big paycut, but the benefits were way better and it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. It's almost a wash and I won't have to work OT to make ends meet.

 

The biggest thing is that he needs to see that you're willing to compromise. You don't want to lose your cheap child care, he doesn't want to lose his good job.

 

R's are successful when they meet the needs of the partners. It doesn't sound like that's happening now. And now you're worried about him going back because it's comfortable. Being with you is what should be comfortable.

 

Your problem is solvable. But you both have to come to the table with a willingness to make it work. That sometimes involves sacrifice. But if you two love each other and want to be together, it shouldn't be such a sacrifice. Put your heads together and solve it.

 

As for maybe you're pregnant, maybe you're not. It sounds like you had unprotected sex if you won't know for a couple of weeks. Put that out of your head for now. Make decisions based on the information you have available now. Don't make it any more complicated than it already is.

 

Good luck!

[PG Love]

Thanks GEL. We've looked at it from all perspectives possible, but for some reason we just can't wrap our heads around it. He is paying out everything he brings in right now between alimony, cc's and car/motorcycle payment. He is staying with friends rent free right now as it is. He could move in with me and I can continue the way that I have been, but he'll still need to make enought to cover his expenses. He wouldn't have anything to attribute to the raise in childcare. I would more or less be paying rent/utilities plust my own cc, car payment and daycare. I can do that with my salary I am making now plus the child support I get, but if I were to move then daycare would be twice what I pay now. Plus I would probably have to take a paycut if I moved to his area. The only other option was to try and find a place in the middle and both of us commute an hour for now, but there is still the daycare issue. Plus STBX H is pushing for 50/50 custody.

 

Being with me is comfortable, but he's talking about the security of paying his bills and knowing that the money is there. We are both very unstable in that sense right now.

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks GEL. We've looked at it from all perspectives possible, but for some reason we just can't wrap our heads around it. He is paying out everything he brings in right now between alimony, cc's and car/motorcycle payment. He is staying with friends rent free right now as it is. He could move in with me and I can continue the way that I have been, but he'll still need to make enought to cover his expenses. He wouldn't have anything to attribute to the raise in childcare. I would more or less be paying rent/utilities plust my own cc, car payment and daycare. I can do that with my salary I am making now plus the child support I get, but if I were to move then daycare would be twice what I pay now. Plus I would probably have to take a paycut if I moved to his area. The only other option was to try and find a place in the middle and both of us commute an hour for now, but there is still the daycare issue. Plus STBX H is pushing for 50/50 custody.

 

Being with me is comfortable, but he's talking about the security of paying his bills and knowing that the money is there. We are both very unstable in that sense right now.

 

Why is the alimony so high? Can't he go back for a change in circumstance and have it lowered? What about selling the motorcycle? It sounds like even if he went back to her that his financial situation wouldn't be improved. He'd still have all the same payments. He wouldn't have alimony but he'd have to pay the mortgage or rent and utilities. Where is this money he's thinking he would have if he goes back? If she's getting alimony that is that high, she's probably not making much. So I am wondering how is he doing better staying there?

 

Doesn't your XH have to pay 1/2 of childcare? I thought that was pretty standard. Or you can go back and ask for that stipulation. Or what about subsidized child care or child care that is income based?

 

What about both of you consolidating your credit card bills? (separately of course.)

 

What about moving to a cheaper place until you both get on your feet?

 

I just question why he has money if he goes back. It sounds like there wouldn't be money left over there either.

[PG Love]

Stupidity mostly on his part. He agreed to pay her $600/month towards the mortgage and she kept all the savings. He didn't go through a lawyer and she did and he just signed the papers. She makes decent money but less than him, but she can get him for adultery so he went ahead and agreed to the alimony she set. Plus his son still lives at home so he feels like he's still supporting him as well.

 

XH is paying 1/2 daycare through his child support but it doesn't bridge the mortgage gap, plus I'm paying 1/2 the cc debt we incurred through the marriage.

 

He's tried consolidating and was turned down. He's also thought about selling the bike, but it gets better gas mileage than the car. That may be a thought in the future though. It's his baby and I'd hate to see him sell it.

[GreenEyedLady]

Stupidity mostly on his part. He agreed to pay her $600/month towards the mortgage and she kept all the savings. He didn't go through a lawyer and she did and he just signed the papers. She makes decent money but less than him, but she can get him for adultery so he went ahead and agreed to the alimony she set. Plus his son still lives at home so he feels like he's still supporting him as well.

 

XH is paying 1/2 daycare through his child support but it doesn't bridge the mortgage gap, plus I'm paying 1/2 the cc debt we incurred through the marriage.

 

He's tried consolidating and was turned down. He's also thought about selling the bike, but it gets better gas mileage than the car. That may be a thought in the future though. It's his baby and I'd hate to see him sell it.

 

Personally, he can still fix this. He can go back and have the alimony set an amount a judge sees is reasonable. If the decree was already signed, she can't change the reason for filing the divorce at this point anyway.

 

Honestly, if you guys are at a stalemate, then that translates into your R ending. If he says he can only do this and that and you can only do this and that, and there's no middle ground, then that's the demise of the R. It would be horrible for him to sell his baby, but if that is more horrible than losing you, then it might be good for both of you to move on.

 

It sounds like he's imposing alot of restriction on himself. If those things are more important than your R, let me tell you, you deserve better. You should not be the one who has to settle for what he can give you.

 

If it's that hard, then it probably isn't right. KWIM?

 

Love doesn't keep you guessing and it shouldn't hurt.

 

If he is committed to you, then he will find a way and you can both come to a solution together. If his loyalty lies elsewhere, then count your blessings you didn't invest more.

[astra77]

Personally, he can still fix this. He can go back and have the alimony set an amount a judge sees is reasonable. If the decree was already signed, she can't change the reason for filing the divorce at this point anyway.

 

Honestly, if you guys are at a stalemate, then that translates into your R ending. If he says he can only do this and that and you can only do this and that, and there's no middle ground, then that's the demise of the R. It would be horrible for him to sell his baby, but if that is more horrible than losing you, then it might be good for both of you to move on.

 

It sounds like he's imposing alot of restriction on himself. If those things are more important than your R, let me tell you, you deserve better. You should not be the one who has to settle for what he can give you.

 

If it's that hard, then it probably isn't right. KWIM?

 

Love doesn't keep you guessing and it shouldn't hurt.

 

If he is committed to you, then he will find a way and you can both come to a solution together. If his loyalty lies elsewhere, then count your blessings you didn't invest more.

 

This is so true. Love isnt hard, it isn't complicated, not if two people truely want to be together. You both need to sit down face to face and talk.

[NoIDidn't]

If all he did was sign the papers, it sounds like he feels a lot of guilt and wasn't thinking about the fact that life goes on after a divorce.

 

I have a question for you, though.

 

If he is divorced, why do you fear that he will be running back to his M? Or did I misread that somewhere?

 

I agree with GEL, though. Either you guys work something out or cool things off until finances look better for the both of you. Generally speaking, its said to take about two years for finances to break even.

[PG Love]

No they are not divorced yet, signed separation papers.

 

We are going to have to sit down this weekend and have a serious discussion. He says he can't come up with a conclusion, so basically it's up to me. I talked to him last night and I just don't know where to go.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is the path you have chosen PG. this is what you wanted. Did you think it was gonna be all roses and country spring air.

 

There are always consequences to your actions.

 

Deal with it.

 

Now perhaps you are seeing that the grass isnt greener.