Author SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 Getting more time with my daughter - STBXW has been too busy and has asked me to watch daughter more. We switched Sat for next Sunday... but then STBXW calls me at 2 pm on Sat and asked if I would take my daughter back at 7 pm - she can't get anything done... I said I'll take her at 3:30 to go to a festival... Why 7 pm - did she have a date to go on or got out for the evening like she did Fri night? This morning she said she had to work late this week - and could I get my daughter tonight and tomorrow night (she will switch for another night later). I asked if she would feed her dogs late this month when I am out of town. She said they are my dogs now and my responsibility.... So how does it work out that I accomodate her schedule and she cannot do a favor for me ? I do not know for sure if she is really working or just feeling the joys of freedom from responsibility ??? Anyway - I plan to continue to support her, cooperate with her and continueto try to make deposits to her Love Bank. We have had more communication anyway...but she continues to be the wayward spouse.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 I asked if she would feed her dogs late this month when I am out of town. She said they are my dogs now and my responsibility.... So how does it work out that I accomodate her schedule and she cannot do a favor for me ? I don't think you can equate your time with your daughter with her time with your dogs . While I had a split custody deal with my ex, I probably got 50% more time with my son just by being available when she wasn't, whether due to her work or social plans. Just look at it as a bonus without worrying about how it comes to be... Mr. Lucky
Author SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Author Posted July 28, 2008 agreed... I just think it is so ironic that she thinks/argues that she is doing the right thing by my daughter... yet now that she has her own life, her time with our daughter diminishes. Her focus is on putting her in the right clothes, painting her toes and putting her to bed at 7:30... Thinks she is a great mother... I think she actually finds our daughter a burden, but will never admit it. Anyway I'm enjoying having my daughter... but there are challenges there as well... at 2.5 she is trying to get her own way... hard to discipline her when I have her... I don't want her to cry or have tandrums when I only see her 42% of the time... Never ever thought I would have to do the raising and disciplining of my daughter on my own.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Anyway I'm enjoying having my daughter... but there are challenges there as well... at 2.5 she is trying to get her own way... hard to discipline her when I have her... I don't want her to cry or have tandrums when I only see her 42% of the time... Never ever thought I would have to do the raising and disciplining of my daughter on my own. How do you think it got the label "terrible twos" ??? Kids thrive on normalcy and rountine. Especially during something as crazy as separation and divorce, they instinctively look for stability. That alone is a good reason to establish your own life, home and schedule, regardless of any progress (or lack thereof) you might make towards your goal of reconcilliation. While your (STBX?) wife is trying to find herself, you should be trying to find a happy medium with your child. I can tell you from experience, it takes patience, determination and a really thick skin ... Mr. Lucky
Author SingleDad Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Patience is a virtue... I wish I had more of it.... I need more patience with my daughter during her terrible two's. I need more patience living without my STBXW - and not knowing whether or not she will ever come back... Yes I am trying to maintain a stable environment for my daughter.
TrustInYourself Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Hah! Oh the joys of 2 year old daughters. I think my daughter is fairly well-behaved for her age. She's not too out of control, from some of the other children I've had the pleasure of observing. At least we are not dealing with 2 year old sons. I hear boys are a major pain in the rear. From what I understand we have it easy for another 10 or 12 years. That's when we start getting real headaches. Then we enter the terrible teens.
Author SingleDad Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 TIY - My daughter is awesome as well... Always tries to be helpful and has desire to please her dad... though still wants to be in control - getting her to come to dinner and actually eat is a challenge... she thinks she is in control... I have to put her in a time out or even put her in her room until she is cooperative... fortunately she has a need to please her dad and be by her dad's side - so it doesn't last long.. It's just so hard when she challenges my patience and I "ground" her for a few minutes so she will obey her dad... hate shen she cries and has temper tandrum on my short time with her. Seems so much easier when both parents are together and can take turns with discipline - not living apart and have to do it all myself on my time.
TrustInYourself Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 Yeah, it's hard. Especially when both parents have different ideals of discipline. It could turn out that you are instilling more strict rules and behavioral reinforcement than your STBXW/wife. This could be a reason for some of her "control" issues. I also struggle with how tough is just enough. I come from a very strict, disciplinarian household so I'm trying to find the patience and understanding while keeping things structured. It's difficult, no doubt. The main problem, for us, is we have a marriage that is also crumbling or shattered that we also have to "deal" with as we raise our daughters. It's hard to focus on being a good dad, when we feel like a mess! I try not to feel depressed or sorry for myself though, because I have an oppurtunity to be a very great dad. I know how much I love my daughter and that is very empowering. So I make due with my situation and try and do my best. That's exactly what you are doing! As I said before, nothing can take away from the fact that we are dealing with an awesome, life changing circumstance and we still stand up and take care of our kid. That's not something everyone can say.
Author SingleDad Posted July 29, 2008 Author Posted July 29, 2008 Well my STBXW is German - so she is a control freek - every minute she threatens a "time out" I'm not sure whether I am a "control freek" or "laid back" with my daughter... I want her to eat dinner when I make it, go to bed when it is time to go to bed, get dressed and off to daycare in the morning without too much fuss. So much intertwined interaction between what I want her to do and what she wants to do. I virtually can't do anything without her right next to me. My arms are so tired from carrying her, she can't get to sleep or sleep through the night if she is not by my side, can't be in the next room without her screaming and running to me. She has tremendous separation anxiety. When we are together nothing else can be done be spend time with her... Is this overkill ? Am I creating this separation anxiety or preventing it from ending, by allowing her to be right next to me at all times ? I think it is much worse than normal for her age due to the separation of her mom and me.
TrustInYourself Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Well my STBXW is German - so she is a control freek - every minute she threatens a "time out" I'm not sure whether I am a "control freek" or "laid back" with my daughter... I want her to eat dinner when I make it, go to bed when it is time to go to bed, get dressed and off to daycare in the morning without too much fuss. So much intertwined interaction between what I want her to do and what she wants to do. I virtually can't do anything without her right next to me. My arms are so tired from carrying her, she can't get to sleep or sleep through the night if she is not by my side, can't be in the next room without her screaming and running to me. She has tremendous separation anxiety. When we are together nothing else can be done be spend time with her... Is this overkill ? Am I creating this separation anxiety or preventing it from ending, by allowing her to be right next to me at all times ? I think it is much worse than normal for her age due to the separation of her mom and me. I think at 2 years old you can expect that. I know my daughter does the same thing. She comes running to me constantly and tells me she's scared. It's cute in a way. I just have to carry her around the house all day, lol. I'm pretty chill with her. I don't really stress the outbursts, unless there is a valid reason for her behavior. Kids can read into and key off on our own emotions. Another thing can be routines and security. I try my best to ensure that she feels safe and secure and knows that I have a routine and what she can expect. If everything is constantly changing, I find her stressed out and constantly misbehaving and demanding attention. Set some rules, light rules mind you and give her some structure. Perhaps some reading time or game time or a schedule for nap times, etc. That's the best advice I can give. I'm struggling at times as well. It's hard. I treasure nap time. LOL. I hope that helps.
ilmw Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Just read all the posts... so I hope I don't repeat the same stuff as someone else... but it sounds like most of us... have done pretty much the same thing... The best we could. In my opinion... I would hold of on the dating too... but don't hold off an getting a life. By sitting around and pining.... you will just make yourself miserable... and you will end up bitter..(I know someone else said that here) I saw a lot of myself in your writing in my early days of my original separation.. but I took a lot of advice from folks on here..and read one heck a lot of books on relationships... self improvement..and marriage... I applied what I learned.. (oh .. and IC too... that was an eye opener) never believed in counselling before... though it was a bunch of bull for... crazy folk.. Well I guess I am as crazy.. as most.. but not as crazy as some. There is nothing wrong with the end result of reconciliation..it does happen.. but You will never reconcile... if you don't find changes in you... You have to want to change.. to make those changes stick... You have to believe in what you are doing... because no one else will... unless you do. Your stbxw... will believe it the least. You have to want to do this for you... and IF you reconcile... great.. if not... still great.. because you are a better you.... and can be even more proud of yourself... your self confidence... (not arrogance) will sore... Damn.. mine did. As for your child.. I went through the same stuff... well still do... There seems to be a competition at times.. between the ex.. and I... and that was the last thing I wanted.... but over all... it is friendly... we still sit by each other at my son's soccer games.. and we still chat about other stuff... We are pleasant to each other... I guess because before we were a couple... we were friends..... but we also... agreed to be good co-parents... and for the most part...we are.. Your wife does not want to be with you... right... the more you try and make her want to be with you... (by telling her stuff.. asking her.. etc) ... the more she will not. And it is hard to put deposits into a love bank... when the bank is closed... but there is nothing wrong.... in being nice. Well there... the longest post I have done in awhile.... I guess I saw a lot of me.. in your writing.... and recognised... the pain... frustration... and torment... you are going through.... No ones pain is the same.. but I have tred the same path... and I blazed my own trail... so I now know the way... you will too.... Time is your friend... so be patient... and in the mean time... get out... and do stuff... learn a new hobby.... do something different... change your life.. for the better. ilmw
Author SingleDad Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 ilmw - I know you went through the same thoughts as me for many many months - and most likely reconciliation will not happen. I have much respect for your words - and the posters here respect you as well - that I can tell. I know in my heart I have to try, just as you did - at least until she finalizes a divorce. I am not pining anymore or at least at this time - I know that will not work. What she wants is a friend - she doesn't have many, nor do I - and we have someone in common - our daughter. That is our best chance. I am going to try to keep some level of hope. And live my life as it is.
Author SingleDad Posted July 31, 2008 Author Posted July 31, 2008 This is the hardest time for me... after I drop my daughter off at daycare... knowing I will not see her again until Sunday. It is nice to get a break, but it is such a lonely time - when I don't have anyone to come home to. Nothing to look forward to in the next few days. I am weak. I am sad.
ilmw Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 This is the hardest time for me... after I drop my daughter off at daycare... knowing I will not see her again until Sunday. It is nice to get a break, but it is such a lonely time - when I don't have anyone to come home to. Nothing to look forward to in the next few days. I am weak. I am sad. I know it is hard.. but you have to find something to occupy your time... or you will just dwell on this... trust me! Get a hobby... go out with some friends and have some beer and wings.. have a laugh...it helps. Ask Gunny for a reading list... he is the master librarian on LS... Most of all... something he taught me... is to Man Up! k
TrustInYourself Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 Man the **** up. Tell him ILMW. Arrest this man!
Author SingleDad Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Having a down day again today Just cried again... dropped my daughter off this morning... switched days with today as I had work-related dinner tonight which just got can cancelled. Now I won't see my daughter until Friday night. W said she would go to dinner w/ me and daughter this weekend for my 40th birthday - as long as I don't tell her I love her, etc. or get into argument. This whole situtation just sucks !!!
GreenEyedLady Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Having a down day again today Just cried again... dropped my daughter off this morning... switched days with today as I had work-related dinner tonight which just got can cancelled. Now I won't see my daughter until Friday night. W said she would go to dinner w/ me and daughter this weekend for my 40th birthday - as long as I don't tell her I love her, etc. or get into argument. This whole situtation just sucks !!! I'm sorry that you are having a down day. But look at it this way, only 3 more days until you see your daughter's smiling face again! If I were you, I'd tell her that you have plans with you and your daughter. Honestly, what she told you is awful. She'll grace you with her presence as long as you don't tell her you love her? Don't have her come with you. It'll end up being worse than if it's just you and your daughter. You need to start protecting yourself. And at this point, what is there left for you to love? I'm waiting for you to hit the anger phase. Then this will be easier for you. I hope your day gets better. Don't be her doormat. GEL
Author SingleDad Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 Mostly venting my sadness and loneliness. I have already been through the anger phase - most of July was anger...and NC. But I realized my anger was was doing no good for anyone, including my daughter... I have concluded that the only way I have a chance with my W is to learn to satisfy her emotional needs (from a distance)... I am hoping she won't run to divorce if she sees me as a much better person... as the person she married... as a person she can count on... as a person who meets her emotional needs... as a person who is her best friend... I will learn and grow so much more understanding myself and how to give to meet emotional needs, than it is to find someone new to start all over again - and fail because I haven't learned the first time around. I just wish I had the opportunity to do this more than 5 minutes a week and waiting months and months for any results... It is a lonely way to live... wanting to give and give and have little to no response. W does not want me to pressure her to come back to me, by telling her I love her or using our daughter as a reason (you'd think both would be enough)... It has to be something that is natural in her feelings. I am trying not to be her doormat or be desperate... In reality, she made the decision to separate and she has the control as to whether we can spend time together... The only control I have is to live my own single life - which I do not want to do.
SmartWoman321 Posted August 7, 2008 Posted August 7, 2008 I just filed, although we have lived seperately for 8 months. We only live 2 miles apart and my kids are older, 12,14,16. We swap the kids back and forth all the time. During the week, on the weekends, we all decide as a family on who wants to go where for the night. Its a great arrangement- we each get a break from our hormonal teens on a regular basis (grin). And yes, we often do things as a "family"....we all go out for ice creeam, or a walk in the park or out to dinner --probably once a week or so.....but our case in unusual I think because we are totally amicable and uncontested. In the divorce papers we are having equal parenting time on an "as you go" basis- meaning we will decide as time goes on who gets which kids when. Works out just fine with us.
Author SingleDad Posted August 7, 2008 Author Posted August 7, 2008 Wow - that sounds like a great arrangement... It is doubtful I can save my marriage (though I will try everything)... But I would at least hope to have some arrangement like yours some day... Currently we are very structured in our parenting time and I am not allowed to even invade her privacy by seeing her house. (probably cause a man is there ?) But it is possible - she was thoughtful enough to move 4 miles away so we could easily spend time with our daughter. I would love to be able to have something like - Fri night dinners together and Sun afternoons together as a family... May even be possible - at least if/until W gets re-married
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