SingleDad Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Trying a new Thread on Co Parenting while separated or divorced. i.e. what interaction do you have with your child's other parent during separation or divorce... besides limited contact... does anybody get together as a family once in a while ? My legal separation began in Mid June for 12 months minimum. My STBXW bought her own house 5 miles away and we have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. We have good parenting terms. She gets 4 overnights and I get 3 overnights each week. The separation is so raw that we have been doing the Limited contact thing which works as the pick-up and drop-off of our daughter is at daycare. We really never need to see each other. Unfortunately, I love my wife and pray that some sort of reconciliation can be made. Not sure if even possible but I pray that means re-building from scratch, or living separately and have family dates/events. I've been doing the Single/Separated Dad routine for past 3 months. I love the one-on-one time with my daughter, but can't stand the 4 days per week without her. Can't believe I may have to live this routine for the next 2 decades !!! I am curious what type of relationship do others have with their child's other parent after separation or divorce - with regard to time together with their child. I have hear to many people tell me to move on with my life and date others (even though I am still married). If there are any who connect with their Ex and child regularly, How do you do it ?
Nomad1 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 It may seem difficult at the moment, but it will get better. It is great that you have your daughter 3 out of 7 nights. I have my 3 boys for the same length of time. It is great when I have them and I also appreciate the time they are not around as I get to do so many things. You need to separate the parenting from other considerations. Being fair but firm when it comes to negotiating is good for the child as well as for yourselves. Why don't you start making friends, dates? It's summertime? Ideal for dates / picnics / going out! Start living a little. Nomad1
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 It may seem difficult at the moment, but it will get better. It is great that you have your daughter 3 out of 7 nights. I have my 3 boys for the same length of time. It is great when I have them and I also appreciate the time they are not around as I get to do so many things. You need to separate the parenting from other considerations. Being fair but firm when it comes to negotiating is good for the child as well as for yourselves. Why don't you start making friends, dates? It's summertime? Ideal for dates / picnics / going out! Start living a little. Nomad1 Yep, I agree. I'm having some guilt about enjoying my time away from my kid and going out and socializing (drinking and clubbing). I'm not sure if this is the right thing for me. I'm planning on doing less of it actually.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have been separated/divorced for 5 years now. We see each other at the kid's school events and the drop-off/pick-up place. We do separate birthdays and holidays. It's just easier that way. And the kids get double the celebrations. We talk on the phone and discuss things about the kids. But no, we never do things as a family, because we are not a single family anymore. They have a life with me and a life with him. Quite frankly, I'm glad that I don't have to see him and do family things with him. Although we are on friendly terms now, there was a reason I divorced him. I'm sorry this is hard on you. Perhaps you should talk to a professional about your feelings. They can give you some ideas on strategies to help cope with this situation. It was hard for me when my children went to visit their dad in the beginning too. I just kept busy and went out and dated and went crazy with my friends. Eventually, you'll get used to them being away and you'll feel better about life in general. It's not the end of the world, it's just the beginning of a new one.
OGrtMaker Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Hi SD, Well my H and I have been separated quite a long time, as you know. The first six months was pretty limited contact, though we did celebrate my younger dd's birthday together. Things were quite estranged between us during that period. As time went on we started communicating better and we both felt it was in our childrens' best interest for us to still do things occasionally as a family. It started out sporadically, maybe once a month going to the movies together. Now we spend Sundays together with the kids and do things like go to the park, the movies, dinner, etc. I do have to say this is what I think has brought my H and I to being friends and has led to us being closer, even though we are not 'back together'. This might not be for everyone, but for us it is a good thing. I don't know what will happen with H and me ~ while everyone thinks we're crazy for not getting divorced by now, a lot of it has to do with the friendship that has been built over the last year. I do think it's been good for our kids to have the time together with both of us & we do the family occasions together (Christmas, birthdays, etc). I know you are really hoping to reconcile with your wife and I just want you to know I hope for the best for you.
Author SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 OGrtMaker - Thank you for your story... This is one contrary to the naysayers on this forum. I know having a full happy marriage would take a miracle at this point. But I think I would be relatively happy with the situation you have with your Ex - and I entirely believe it is possible. That is what I am praying for. Having Fri dinner and a Sunday together as a family. At least to try that on for size for the next 11 months of legal separation If that doesn't work or isn't enough then maybe we then look toward finding others and finalizing a divorce at that time. But I can't see finding GF while I am still legally married.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 It'll develop in stages. For the first two years or so after the end of my marriage, I wanted very little to do with XW because of how badly I'd gotten hurt. We would interact as little as possible (which was what I wanted). I had my kids 2-3 days each week; I'd focus on them completely when they were with me (other than working, of course), and when they weren't, I'd do what I wanted. See friends, go to the gym, go on dates, generally have a good time. No guilt involved. In the last two years or so -- and in the last year especially -- things have been far better between me and XW. We've even gotten together with the kids on their birthdays, that kind of thing. Our rapport is generally quite light and friendly. Four years ago, I'd never have imagined that would be possible. I don't know if I'd go so far as to call us "friends", given that we don't hang out together, but we're actually now able to have conversations about things that DON'T relate to the kids. It's a good feeling to have left the anger, hurt and sadness behind. You'll reach that point as well; it just takes time. Oh, and don't feel guilty if you want to start dating before your divorce is final. You have your own life to live now.
Owl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Wow...that IS amazing, RD. I remember what all you went through in the past...glad to hear that things are working out, man!!!
Author SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 RD - its great that things have worked out for you. Finally - It's nice to hear nice stories of things working out even if the marriage did not. I am hoping to try to get back into a stage where STBXW and I are "dating" or "simply family dinners" etc over the next 11 months and progressively more and better, before a divorce can be filed on 11 months. To at least see if some level of "relationship" can be restored... Rather that taking the F*** her approach and throwing in the towel. I think that is the best approach for the sake of our daughter. And yes I love my wife (despite what we have put each other through).
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 RD - its great that things have worked out for you. Finally - It's nice to hear nice stories of things working out even if the marriage did not. I am hoping to try to get back into a stage where STBXW and I are "dating" or "simply family dinners" etc over the next 11 months and progressively more and better, before a divorce can be filed on 11 months. To at least see if some level of "relationship" can be restored... Rather that taking the F*** her approach and throwing in the towel. I think that is the best approach for the sake of our daughter. And yes I love my wife (despite what we have put each other through). SD, you're jumping ahead man. Right now, you are at square one. If you want the relationship to work, you're going to need to be mentally, emotionally, and physically ready. Are you? Have you grown or changed or improved since this has all started. No one here doubts your love. My advice is to continue to back away and build on yourself. Build on your relationship with your daughter. You are doing exactly what you need to do. Forget about the wife for now, this is all about YOU! Your wife refused your request to have dinners and to hang out. She senses your intentions to control the situation and lack of acceptance of what's going on. She also knows that you are her pawn. You are easy. You are expendable. You would drop everything for her. You are a wrapped around her finger. How do you change that from being the case? How do you make her realize how important and extremely special you really are? By not trying to work on it. By working on yourself, by being an exceptional father, by owning this situation and taking your life in your hands. She has no power over you, you have all the power. It's up to you whether or not you get back together. Think on that. I'm sorry for being blunt, but wake up. I'm here for you. I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm trying to open your eyes.
Author SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 TIY - I know, I know... I have 2 weeks of LC and then a fight yesterday AM, and then a clingy needy weakling last night talking with her apoloziging that I wasn't there for her. toto where are you... and what happened to my red heals ?
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 TIY - I know, I know... I have 2 weeks of LC and then a fight yesterday AM, and then a clingy needy weakling last night talking with her apoloziging that I wasn't there for her. toto where are you... and what happened to my red heals ? As I said to Heather, we are human. It happens. I have a question regarding that conversation you had with your wife after you were doing your own thing and doing the LC. Was your wife was willing to talk with you? Was she more open with you initially? When did she start to shut you down during the conversation?
Author SingleDad Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 As I said to Heather, we are human. It happens. I have a question regarding that conversation you had with your wife after you were doing your own thing and doing the LC. Was your wife was willing to talk with you? Was she more open with you initially? When did she start to shut you down during the conversation? Cut and pasted our conversation from the other thread here: Talked to STBXW last night after our fight in the morning: These are the things I told her: We certainly had/have our issues and I will be the first to admit my mistakes (she will not admit to doing anything wrong unfortunately). But we have been together for 7 years, decided to get married after 3.5 years and have a child a year after that, and re-model the kitchen spring of 2007 - we couldn't have had such a terrible relationship that whole time or we wouldn't have done those things. I told her that I continue to love her very much and we just need help learning how to communicate with each other and work to rebuild respect and trust for each other. As much as I enjoy the one-on-one time and raising my daughter, it was never my intention to be a single dad. I do not want to raise her by myself I want to be a family again. Neither of us were really happpy since summer of 2007, but I didn't realize how good I had it until after I lost it. My STBXW desires to be friends/friendly for the sake of our daughter. But I am not sure if a large part of this is just so she can feel she is making the right decision to divorce and we can still get along and be good parents to our daughter. I told her I'd like to start from scratch and be friends and build from there. She said she doesn't want to be friends is I have an alterior motive like "loving my wife and wanting to stay married." I said that is not an alterior motive, that is how I feel. She said that is too much burden to bear and too much pressure - I'd just be pushing her. So how I build a friendship without any intent on us getting back together ? So yes she did let me talk for 30 minutes, and cut me off when I was in the parking lot of daycare to pick up my daughter. Seems like she would be willing to work on a friendship, but without my pressures of pushing her back into a dating/marriage... To do it, I would have to have no expectations other than to be friends for our daughter... Seems like a win/win for her... but is it still a win/lost for me ????? Better than zilch I guess !
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Cut and pasted our conversation from the other thread here: Talked to STBXW last night after our fight in the morning: These are the things I told her: We certainly had/have our issues and I will be the first to admit my mistakes (she will not admit to doing anything wrong unfortunately). But we have been together for 7 years, decided to get married after 3.5 years and have a child a year after that, and re-model the kitchen spring of 2007 - we couldn't have had such a terrible relationship that whole time or we wouldn't have done those things. I told her that I continue to love her very much and we just need help learning how to communicate with each other and work to rebuild respect and trust for each other. As much as I enjoy the one-on-one time and raising my daughter, it was never my intention to be a single dad. I do not want to raise her by myself I want to be a family again. Neither of us were really happpy since summer of 2007, but I didn't realize how good I had it until after I lost it. My STBXW desires to be friends/friendly for the sake of our daughter. But I am not sure if a large part of this is just so she can feel she is making the right decision to divorce and we can still get along and be good parents to our daughter. I told her I'd like to start from scratch and be friends and build from there. She said she doesn't want to be friends is I have an alterior motive like "loving my wife and wanting to stay married." I said that is not an alterior motive, that is how I feel. She said that is too much burden to bear and too much pressure - I'd just be pushing her. So how I build a friendship without any intent on us getting back together ? So yes she did let me talk for 30 minutes, and cut me off when I was in the parking lot of daycare to pick up my daughter. Seems like she would be willing to work on a friendship, but without my pressures of pushing her back into a dating/marriage... To do it, I would have to have no expectations other than to be friends for our daughter... Seems like a win/win for her... but is it still a win/lost for me ????? Better than zilch I guess ! Do you want me to dissect the conversation from my standpoint? It's win/win for you if you can handle it. That's for you to decide. I know by even considering it, you're showing a great deal of strength. I have a lot of respect for you for doing that.
Author SingleDad Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I just dropped my daughter off at daycare, crying as I left, knowing that I will not see her again until Tuesday night. It's so difficult. Hope do people cope with this forced separation from your own family ? Tearing apart your hopes and dreams. All I want now is another day or two with my daughter each week and spend it with my STBXW together with my daughter... Does it have to be that my daughter never sees her Mother and Father together again... even a weekly "family" dinner ??
GreenEyedLady Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 All I want now is another day or two with my daughter each week and spend it with my STBXW together with my daughter... Does it have to be that my daughter never sees her Mother and Father together again... even a weekly "family" dinner ?? Most often yes, your daughter will never see her mother and father together having a weekly family dinner. Sometimes you may have a circumstance that will allow for that, but that is usually an unusual circumstance (holiday, birthday, school event). And in light of what you've shared that your STBXW has said, she does not seem to want to reconcile at all, and wants to move on with her life. Your daughter will cope better if you are able to present it in a way that does not signal the end of the world. You two both love her dearly, and that is what she needs to see right now. I am sorry that this is so devastating for you. You will get through this. You must think about what is best for your daughter and move forward with your life. You really should proceed in the direction that you will not reconcile or you will remain at square one. This is a time for you to learn who you are and what you are made of. You must be strong, if not for yourself, for your daughter. If your STBXW doesn't want to reconcile with you, you will survive. You will move forward and you will find someone else who deserves your loyalty and love. I'm sorry. I know it hurts when you are faced with what you thought would be your life, will not be. And I am not saying to throw in the towel-but your STBXW is. I know you want to hope that things will turn out, and they always could, but you can't count on that. So do the things that help you cope and forget about her right now. After all, she has forgotten about you. (Not meaning to be harsh or mean or anything. I really feel for you.) GEL
Melovator Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I just dropped my daughter off at daycare, crying as I left, knowing that I will not see her again until Tuesday night. It's so difficult. Hope do people cope with this forced separation from your own family ? Tearing apart your hopes and dreams. All I want now is another day or two with my daughter each week and spend it with my STBXW together with my daughter... Does it have to be that my daughter never sees her Mother and Father together again... even a weekly "family" dinner ?? It used to upset me when my son first started spending nights at his dad's and even now I get a bit 'urghh' when I drop him off on a friday morning when my ex is going to have him both friday and saturday... but I get over that quickly because I've usually made plans that have absolutely no room for a small child in them! You don't stop being your child's parent just because you're not with them, you just get a chance to explore the aspects of yourself that have nothing to do with parenting. And that's how you cope by taking that time for yourself and doing the things with it that you want to do, especially the things you never did because you were with your ex. When my son is with me he's my first priority, when he's not with me, then I'm my first priority and that's really nice and actually means I'm better parent when I am with my son because my non mummy lady needs are getting taken care of. The thing is your hopes and dreams are just that- hopes and dreams- and you can find new hopes and dreams and then you can make them goals and work towards achieving them. And when you do that then you're living in your own glorious shining reality not just existing in a burnt ruin of dreams. And 'weekly family dinners' that's not about your daughter and what's best for her, that's about what YOU want. And you can't have that from what you've written and if you keep focusing on what you want and can't have then you're going to end up miserable, bitter and twisted and how the hell is that good for your daughter? She deserves a father who is happy with himself not one who pines away and resents her mother. (if you don't already have I suggest downloading "you can't always get what you want" by the Stones- there's a reason why its a classic and a few rousing choruses sung in the lounge room usually make me feel better!) The breakdown of your relationship does not have to define you or your daughter's life if you DON'T LET IT! Enjoy what you've got because everyday above ground is a good day and we only have a limited number.
Author SingleDad Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 Thank you GreenEyedLady and Melovator. Life and reality are hard, not having daughter this weekend... I am working most of day today and going to my mother's house to do laundry (still haven't replaced the washer and dryer Ex took), for dinner and watch a movie. Church Sunday morning - then wow what do I do Sunday afternoon to occupy my thoughts (maybe organize my daughter's clothes to matching outfits like her mother used to do and organize and file paperwork) ? It'll be another long quiet lonely weekend.
Author SingleDad Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 There is another thread about sleeping with 11 yo - didn't want to impose on that thread. My 2.5yo daughter has tremendous separation anxiety - I expect more than normal as she now never sees STBXW and myself together (pick up and drop off is at daycare) and doesn't know who's house she will be at that night.. I can't leave the room for a second without her screaming and running to get me. Everynight I have her I read books in her bed. At bedtime she always says "daddy lay down too"... so I stay until she falls asleep, then I go to my own room. Everynight she wakes up between 12 and 1 am, crying with her blanket saying "sleep with daddy". Often I let her sleep in my bed or if I'm awake enough, I return her to her room. I love my daughter so much and don't want her crying herself to sleep on the limited time I have with her. Also, I miss being with her and we have such a nice bonding at bedtime - a part of me doesn't want just tuck her in and leave. What is the concensus on this at her age ?
sharebear823 Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Hi, SingleDad: About six weeks after my husband left, we were scheduled for a weekend family get-away as a birthday celebration for myself and our daughter. We all stayed in the same hotel room (crowded even under ideal circumstances!) and my kids and I shared the beds, while my husband slept on a cot. I was absolutely miserable and devastated the whole time, but tried to make the best of it for the sake of the kids. I should have won an Oscar for that performance! On the last morning we were there, I remember telling my husband that, while I was extremely sad about our marriage ending, I understood that he wanted to move on with someone else, and ultimately I wanted him to find the happiness he sought. He said he really appreciated me saying that, and he hoped for the best for me, as well. After that weekend, which I found soooo painful, we still did get together for the occasional family dinner, and I even got together with my inlaws for holiday meals. I found it very, very difficult, but I did this for the kids, mostly. I think that our staying in contact with one another, although it has been VERY strained most of the time, has helped us to stay connected in a way that we never would have if we had not done so, and I would even venture to say that I think that may have been part of what set the stage for us to think now about getting back together. We have been apart for five years, as I mentioned, but neither of us has wanted to file for the divorce, and we have always tried to pull it back from the brink. Personal counseling, as well as marriage counseling, and also family counseling, has helped us out a great deal, although at times I started to feel like we were incapable of managing our own lives so we had to hire others to do this for us...not too far from the truth, perhaps. But, the counseling helped us to see our parts in what happened, and to take responsibility for it. And, it helped us air grievances in a controlled setting, and forced us to talk about our issues. I think this also helped us to get where we are at this point. One thing that really helps, too, is to vow NOT to talk about "trigger issues," things that push each other's buttons, and things that you know are sore points. Try to show her the "You" that you were when she was happy with you, as much as that is possible, whenever you do spend time with her. Personally, I think it is a very good thing for the kids to see you together. And, I respectfully disagree with the other poster who said you are no longer a family any more. You will ALWAYS be a family, no matter what form that takes. As such, it is perfectly fine, in my opinion, to spend time together, doing things to honor that fact. Best wishes to you.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Personally, I think it is a very good thing for the kids to see you together. And, I respectfully disagree with the other poster who said you are no longer a family any more. You will ALWAYS be a family, no matter what form that takes. As such, it is perfectly fine, in my opinion, to spend time together, doing things to honor that fact. While I agree that the time together can be good for all, especially the kids, both partners have to be realistic about what it means. It can damage the "left behind" spouse if they cling to the trappings of marriage and delude themselves into thinking it means more than it does. Got to stay grounded... Mr. lucky
Redbull Rider Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 does anybody get together as a family once in a while ? i've been divorced since 01'. since then we've spent time together "as a family" in my children's eyes. nothing big or for an extended period of time but we actually like eachother now so its cool. I've been doing the Single/Separated Dad routine for past 3 months. I love the one-on-one time with my daughter, but can't stand the 4 days per week without her. Can't believe I may have to live this routine for the next 2 decades !!! it gets easier dude...trust I have hear to many people tell me to move on with my life and date others (even though I am still married). i would wait on dating if it were me until things are finalized. you are still married and you never know what the future will bring. you dont want to do something that will only make it harder to reconcile if it goes down like that. If there are any who connect with their Ex and child regularly, How do you do it ? when in the same city we get together regularly to discuss important issues. when not in the same city we speak more regularly to keep eachother up to date. we both respect the right eachother has to be a parent if nothing else.
Melovator Posted July 23, 2008 Posted July 23, 2008 Re the sleeping... it sounds like a normal night at my house! :laugh: I also have a two year- well nearly 3. the nights that are the worst are the nights after he's been at his dad's. But I'm trying not to be manipulated by my very clever little monkey... we have a routine and we stick to it. My son also tries the 'your bed' trick but I've worked out I'd rather hear him complain for twenty minutes than spend all night getting kicked in the face. :lmao:
Author SingleDad Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 Thanks for all of your input - this is so difficult, but I have to try to remain hopeful and learn to appreciate the time I do have with my daughter... I am hopeful that STBXW and I can get along and learn to be friends at least.... if not more.
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