New trigger: South Africa

[sunshinegirl]

I am in South Africa for work. The last time I was here, the ex and I spent a week in Cape Town. At the time we both called it the trip of our lives.

 

So I am triggering in all kinds of ways - memories are popping up all over the place. I could use my LS friends' help in re-centering myself. Hard to do when I'm alone and don't have the usual distractions to turn to.

 

Here is how I am trying to re-center: I am trying very hard to counter the good memories with others. I spent a day here by myself before he arrived, and I spent time at an orphanage and driving past a number of townships. It was good, but tough and heartbreaking to see how little material wealth most people have, yet also seeing tremendous wealth amongst a few (western tourists among them). Yet I was never able to talk through what I had experienced with E because he simply can't relate to it. Has nothing to offer in such a conversation. Remember, this is Mr. No Empathy and Mr. Shallow. We did have a great time eating, drinking, rock climbing, sightseeing. The sex was fantastic. I miss that stuff, a lot. But it was all surface stuff. S Africa is an amazing place for all its history and race relations and its peaceful transition to democracy. But did we have a single conversation about any of that the whole time we were here? No. Even then, I felt like I was censoring myself, holding back on things that interest ME because I knew he would never relate to, or particularly care, about how others live their lives.

 

What else can I do to find my center and not get dragged down into nostalgia?

[Trialbyfire]

How about a day trip style safari? Is this something you did the last time?

[bill1234]

At least your trigger is something big and potentially avoidable, like an entire country...

 

My triggers are: slim girls with long hair, underwear stores, mini skirts, washing up, TV programmes, my entire apartment, etc. etc. etc.

 

Anyway, I think you're doing absolutely the right thing by concentrating on the bad stuff instead of the good. Next time you go to SA, it will be a different story.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks for the suggestion. Unfortunately this trip I have literally no extra time: I do client work for 2 days and go straight to the airport to head home.

 

I've been dying to do a safari, though. And no, we didn't do one together. Maybe next time I come.

[sunshinegirl]

CRAP. We rented this car, this little Yugo-like piece of crap and we had to get used to driving on the other side of the car, and other side of the street. We nicknamed the car Boris and it was a long-standing joke between us afterwards.

 

DAMMIT! Be gone, good memories!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He is still an emotional cripple who cheated on me and lied to me and is fundamentally a selfish, closed off man.

 

Maybe I will watch more episodes of Battlestar Galactica on DVD.

[Lyssa]

Have you visited the Bo Kaap? It's a Malay community and the place is beautiful. There's a museum which is still in its original form. I spent some time there getting to know them and it was great as some of them have not forgotten their Malay roots.

 

Have you gone whale-watching? You should if you haven't. I'm sure you will enjoy it.

[Trialbyfire]

If you're in Cape Town again, I hear that the coast and beaches are magnificent.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm not in Cape Town, thankfully. But we flew in/out of the city where I am, so it still reminds me of the trip.

 

I'll have to keep the suggestions for next time. As I said, I literally have no extra time to do anything this trip. I need coping suggestions while I sit in this hotel by myself, fighting jetlag and contemplating sending an email to him reminiscing about our trip. Which I WILL NOT DO, I'm not stupid. I can't believe I have the urge to do it, though.

[sunshinegirl]

I think the best thing that is helping me cope these days is reading and rereading this exerpt from the book Smart Women, Foolish Choices [embarrassed at the cheesy title]. It comes from a part in the book about men to avoid. The first time I read it, I think my jaw was on the floor - it describes him, and me, to a tee. I made notes throughout to myself where it really rang true, and I found myself marking up every paragraph. South Africa be damned - I was here with a Clam.

 

The Clam

Some men radiate a tough mystique that grows out of a basically selfish, withholding, and guarded nature. This kind of man can be as dangerous as he is attractive and intriguing. A woman can be drawn to what she sees as strength in this man’s insensitive toughness and may also feel potentially reassured by that “strength.” We say “potentially,” because she never quite feels part of such a man’s strength, since the man doesn’t really share or even truly open himself to the woman. He makes the woman do the emotional work for the two of them. He sets the stage and she dances around, attempting to read his mind.. She knows she wants the security of feeling close to his strength. But he doesn’t ever allow her to get too close. She loves it, she hates it. She knows she is drawn by the very characteristic she is bound and determined to change.

 

Arlene, 28, is a warm, gregarious bank loan officer. When she met Tom she knew this relationship was “it” for her. She described him as “a bit too emotionally guarded” for her tastes, but she thought all that would change once he realized he could trust her.. She thought that she understood Tom’s secretive tendencies, which she saw as reflecting his self-control or perhaps shielding an old hurt. He wasn’t the least sensitive to her needs, but she talked herself into believing it was only because she hadn’t communicated them to him clearly enough, and so it must be her fault.

 

They married eight months after they met. Arlene felt sure the kind of commitment they were making would open the door to at last feeling loved by Tom. She was absolutely convinced that if she loved him enough, with no holds barred, he would open himself to her. With love as the key, she would open his heart and finally reap the treasure that surely lay within. It was certainly a nice fantasy—but it never happened. Tom’s tough, controlled outer shell concealed a tough, controlled inner core. Tom claimed he loved Arlene, but she never felt it and he never showed the demonstrative affection she wanted and needed. She divorced him after one painful year.

 

Arlene made a mistake in the choice of her relationship with Tom. She interpreted his guarded, withholding nature as mystique. What she found was that instead of standing guard over some hidden treasure, he in fact was desperately trying to protect his insecurity from exposure. When Arlene realized this, Tom’s strength was transformed in her eyes to brittle crumbling defenses. His wonderful mystique turned to fear.

 

The Clam either fears his dependency needs or has managed to convince himself that he doesn’t have any. He is very attractive to many women, who mistake this trait for strength and self-containment. But problems soon emerge as the woman begins to want more. We all experience love, at least in part, through feeling needed by our partner, “needed” emotionally. The Clam can’t allow himself to need anyone enough to form an intimate, satisfying bond. To do so would require confronting his fears of weakness and vulnerability. Ancient, scarred-over hurts may have destroyed his capacity to feel that deeply.

 

We all need, in a love relationship, to have our partners dependent upon us—not blood-suckingly so, but needing us emotionally nevertheless. And this man will never allow himself to be dependent enough to be able to form a close, sharing relationship. He functions as a self-contained system. No matter how warm a woman’s love, it will never melt his protective shield. It is too tough, too old.

 

Another necessary bonding agent in the man/woman relationship is trust. Trusting and being trusted. The Clam is recognized by his secretive qualities. The secretive person is protecting something he fears may be lost, betrayed, taken away. Women need to keep in mind when they meet a secretive man that his concealment is a result of his past and has nothing to do with them.

 

Trust develops through a process of give and take. It involves mutually disclosing deeper and more complex aspects of ourselves. The Clam cannot take a chance on important emotional exposure. He will not risk the danger of looking into old wounds stored away in the locked file of forgotten, painful memories. Most often, he doesn’t even know just what it is he is protecting or even that he is, in fact, behaving in a self-protective and distrustful fashion. The Clam cannot trust and he does not open up.

 

He doesn’t know how to love, for the process of giving and loving means exposing his needs and vulnerabilities. If he hasn’t learned to love by the time he is an adult, a woman won’t be able to teach him—no matter how patient she is. It’s foolish to believe otherwise.

 

What is misguided in the pursuit of this man is the failure to correctly identify his real strengths and weaknesses. If you find yourself with this type, you may believe you possess the magic potion to change him, to release in him what you believe to be a capacity to love, but you don’t. In fact, the more a woman loves and cares for this kind of man, the better the chances of driving him away. Intimacy is his enemy—it scares the hell out of him. If he doesn’t run away first, you will become so frustrated with having to do all the emotional work, provide all the tenderness, that eventually you will end the relationship—if you’re smart.

 

[northstar1]

I think the best thing that is helping me cope these days is reading and rereading this exerpt from the book Smart Women, Foolish Choices [embarrassed at the cheesy title]. It comes from a part in the book about men to avoid. The first time I read it, I think my jaw was on the floor - it describes him, and me, to a tee. I made notes throughout to myself where it really rang true, and I found myself marking up every paragraph. South Africa be damned - I was here with a Clam.

 

I think we need to be careful to try and compartmentalize our ex's into a strict category using popular 'self help' psychoanalysis books.

 

In that case, everyone would fall into one or another categories, and I think most humans are far too diverse to be labelled by some book written for profit by a 'guru'.

 

By believing too much in these 'labels' or personality types, it's too easy to simply slot every single person you meet going forward into them, and either write them off, or have a preconceived notion about them.

 

I'm not saying your ex wasn't a "Clam" or didnt' keep himself guarded - but I think we look for easy answers like this to try and rationalize our feelings.

 

Understandable, but a bit too vague.

[sunshinegirl]

I think we need to be careful to try and compartmentalize our ex's into a strict category using popular 'self help' psychoanalysis books.

 

In that case, everyone would fall into one or another categories, and I think most humans are far too diverse to be labelled by some book written for profit by a 'guru'.

 

By believing too much in these 'labels' or personality types, it's too easy to simply slot every single person you meet going forward into them, and either write them off, or have a preconceived notion about them.

 

I'm not saying your ex wasn't a "Clam" or didnt' keep himself guarded - but I think we look for easy answers like this to try and rationalize our feelings.

 

Understandable, but a bit too vague.

 

It would be toooootally great if you wouldn't take away the single most helpful thing I've found so far that helps me put my relationship in perspective and reminds me why it wouldn't have worked long-term. Particularly when I'm far from home and trying not to get lost in nostalgic memories!

[backto1]

 

Yet I was never able to talk through what I had experienced with E because he simply can't relate to it. Has nothing to offer in such a conversation. Remember, this is Mr. No Empathy and Mr. Shallow. We did have a great time eating, drinking, rock climbing, sightseeing. The sex was fantastic. I miss that stuff, a lot. But it was all surface stuff. S Africa is an amazing place for all its history and race relations and its peaceful transition to democracy. But did we have a single conversation about any of that the whole time we were here? No. Even then, I felt like I was censoring myself, holding back on things that interest ME because I knew he would never relate to, or particularly care, about how others live their lives.

 

 

Wow! That's exactly how I felt about my ex. But you just put it into great words! I'm sorry for going off topic but that was a hell of a post. Thanks.

[northstar1]

It would be toooootally great if you wouldn't take away the single most helpful thing I've found so far that helps me put my relationship in perspective and reminds me why it wouldn't have worked long-term. Particularly when I'm far from home and trying not to get lost in nostalgic memories!

 

Hey, if it's helping you , great - I'm not trying to take it away. I'm just saying that those books can be dangerous if we start to put everyone into a certain category.

[foxh1234]

I am in South Africa for work. The last time I was here, the ex and I spent a week in Cape Town. At the time we both called it the trip of our lives.

 

So I am triggering in all kinds of ways - memories are popping up all over the place. I could use my LS friends' help in re-centering myself. Hard to do when I'm alone and don't have the usual distractions to turn to.

 

Here is how I am trying to re-center: I am trying very hard to counter the good memories with others. I spent a day here by myself before he arrived, and I spent time at an orphanage and driving past a number of townships. It was good, but tough and heartbreaking to see how little material wealth most people have, yet also seeing tremendous wealth amongst a few (western tourists among them). Yet I was never able to talk through what I had experienced with E because he simply can't relate to it. Has nothing to offer in such a conversation. Remember, this is Mr. No Empathy and Mr. Shallow. We did have a great time eating, drinking, rock climbing, sightseeing. The sex was fantastic. I miss that stuff, a lot. But it was all surface stuff. S Africa is an amazing place for all its history and race relations and its peaceful transition to democracy. But did we have a single conversation about any of that the whole time we were here? No. Even then, I felt like I was censoring myself, holding back on things that interest ME because I knew he would never relate to, or particularly care, about how others live their lives.

 

What else can I do to find my center and not get dragged down into nostalgia?

 

Hi sunshinegirl, I spent 2 months in SA back in 1998. What an amazing country. It was the best trip I ever took. Camp's Bay has to be one of the most beautiful places on earth.

[teejsd2008]

I can definitely sympathize with what you’re going through. I travel a lot with my job and I used to bring my ex with me on business trips, so we could spend time together. Now I’m making my rounds through those same destinations single, and I feel nostalgic and lonely when I see landmarks that remind me of my ex. When I catch myself in that rut I use some cognitive behavioral techniques to turn around any negative and self-defeating thoughts, and push myself to go out, explore, and enjoy being single in a different place.

 

It helps to catch triggers and write about them:

 

1) Date/Time:

2) Trigger/Situation

3) Feeling

4) Thoughts

5) Alternative/rational and healthy thoughts

 

For example:

 

1) July 15, 2008

2) Walked on ____ street in Capetown and it reminded me of the ex

3) Sad, lonely, nostalgic

4) I can’t enjoy this trip without___ I miss hanging out with__ I won’t find someone like__

5) It’s ok to remember the past, but I shouldn’t let it keep me from enjoying my trip to Capetown, I had some good memories with ___ here, but I didn’t get a chance to do more deep and personally satisfying things on that trip, but now I can.

 

-------------------

 

You’re doing well, and it's perfectly normal to feel nostalgic and reflect, but don't spend too much time in the past. Keep your head up, you're intelligent and care about things outside yourself and you deserve to find someone that you can discuss those things with.

Also it sounds like you have a better idea of traits you’d like in an ideal mate. It helps to write a list of those things and look back at them when you’re missing your ex.

[LikeCharlotte]

What else can I do to find my center and not get dragged down into nostalgia

First, use what you already know, over and over if you have to.

Remember, this is Mr. No Empathy and Mr. Shallow. We did have a great time eating, drinking, rock climbing, sightseeing. The sex was fantastic. I miss that stuff, a lot. But it was all surface stuff. S Africa is an amazing place for all its history and race relations and its peaceful transition to democracy. But did we have a single conversation about any of that the whole time we were here? No. Even then, I felt like I was censoring myself, holding back on things that interest ME because I knew he would never relate to, or particularly care, about how others live their lives.

Second, he is a clam! I know how you feel. I had to remind myself of these very things a million times.

 

Third, Focus on making new happy memories! You can overwrite those other ones. It works for me when I want to enjoy a place again.

If I think of anything else I'll let you know.

[sunshinegirl]

Thank you everyone. I survived the trip despite all the triggers. I am home again and about to head to my sister's for the night; then rock climbing tomorrow with friends. All very good life-affirming things to do.

 

I had a dream last night that I met the right guy, and it was so effortless and he never made me wonder what was in his head or how he felt about me, and he wasn't stingy with his time or attention, etc. It was a great dream.

 

And just now I started thinking back to the day I made him confess to cheating. He was SO defensive and I remember him now saying that he "tried for a year to fall in love with me" (!!!!) but it apparently just never happened. Of course just two weeks earlier he was bawling his eyes out and saying maybe he was broken and unable to love, but amazingly as soon as he started banging the hooch he figured out that he had never been in love with me to begin with. What a fecking jackass!!

 

This thought has given me some respite - I'm pining over this shallow, selfish, clammy jackass why exactly? Ugh. I'm getting mad now.

[northstar1]

Thank you everyone. I survived the trip despite all the triggers. I am home again and about to head to my sister's for the night; then rock climbing tomorrow with friends. All very good life-affirming things to do.

 

I had a dream last night that I met the right guy, and it was so effortless and he never made me wonder what was in his head or how he felt about me, and he wasn't stingy with his time or attention, etc. It was a great dream.

 

And just now I started thinking back to the day I made him confess to cheating. He was SO defensive and I remember him now saying that he "tried for a year to fall in love with me" (!!!!) but it apparently just never happened. Of course just two weeks earlier he was bawling his eyes out and saying maybe he was broken and unable to love, but amazingly as soon as he started banging the hooch he figured out that he had never been in love with me to begin with. What a fecking jackass!!

 

This thought has given me some respite - I'm pining over this shallow, selfish, clammy jackass why exactly? Ugh. I'm getting mad now.

 

The only reason you are still pining is because you aren't in a wonderful new relationship. Once you meet someone new, whom you really like and start having feelings for, you'll stop pining. You may still think about the ex from time to time, but you'll stop pining.

[sb129]

SSG I was going to suggest getting a good South African red and drinking it (I know booze isn't the answer, but when in rome and all that) and finding a nice hot South African rugby player or suchlike to snog. (IME South African men are suitable for flings only).

 

I am glad you have found a book to help you through though, perhaps that is safer

 

Glad you survived and you are home. Shame you didn't get to see more of the country. I am going to Kenya in 11 days and I can't wait!

 

You will get there SSG. Every day you are a little bit closer!

xxx Hugs to you.

[borelandkaren]

What else can I do to find my center and not get dragged down into nostalgia?

 

 

Well, probably not thinking about someone so obviously wrong for you, would be a start!

[sunshinegirl]

Well, probably not thinking about someone so obviously wrong for you, would be a start!

 

Touche...

 

if only I could find the switch to turn off the thoughts...