Wibble Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I won't bore you with my back story - it is all somewhere here on LS - but suffice to say 3 years ago I discovered that my wife had been having a very passionate affair with a former work colleague (also married). The discovery, and subsequent ending of the affair, was very, very painful. I discovered that practically everything that I had considered special to us had been shared with him, even days out with the kids! I also discovered that they had had a "fling" (his words) when they had worked together 15 years previously. My wife said all the "usual" things that WSs say (soulmate, true love etc) and only really understood how she had been used when she discovered he had been lying to her as well as his wife. My problem is this: Once she had accepted that the affair was over, she did absolutely NOTHING to help our marriage recover. She point blank refused to either tell me what had gone on, or to go to Marriage Guidance. I finally managed to force her to a counsellor 18 months later, but she stopped going after 4 sessions. It is as if she has blanked out the entire episode, and her part in it, as though merely ending the affair was proof enough of her commitment. For me the truth I had to face was that if I wanted my marriage back, I would have to stick at it, but I feel that I am doing it alone. She doesn't realise, or choose to realise, the festering resentment I feel that she invited another man into my bed, and hasn't even tried to explain why. With every day that passes she seems to feel that the problem gets further away, but it doesn't, it just gets deeper. I cannot shake the feeling that she has only stayed with me because I was the only game in town. No-one else would want a 40-something mother of three, certainly not lover-boy. I know 3 years seems a long time, but it sometimes seems like a heartbeat ago. A certain word or feeling will bring it FLOODING back. I know my feelings have changed - whose wouldn't? - so am I sacrificing my future happiness for my childrens current peace of mind? I realise this sounds like a whiny, whingeing moan, and I suppose it is, but does ANYONE know if things will get better, or will I have to "change the way I think", which seems to be the thrust of most self-help books.
Chris1479 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well let's try to put this in context. If you settled for a woman with 3 kids who was 40, and you yourself say you FEAR that you were her only choice, it all sounds like a case of low self esteem. Which may have led you into a time-bomb of a relationship. I'd ask her if she cares if her kids have a father or not. She seems like the type who is used to having her cake and eating it too. I'd demand a serious talk, don't take no for an answer. Be prepared to make decisions so she knows you mean business. This has two advantages: one, a man who makes decisions is attractive (if you still want her) two, you force her to show her hand. She has seriously screwed you and her kids over.
Lookingforward Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Sounds like she doesn't give it that much importance and you are supposed to just suck it up and make like it never happened. If she won't budge on that stance, then all you can do is decide if you can live your M like that.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I realise this sounds like a whiny, whingeing moan, and I suppose it is, but does ANYONE know if things will get better, or will I have to "change the way I think", which seems to be the thrust of most self-help books. I know pop-psychology is cheesy ... but I heard Dr. Phil say something one time which really stuck with me. In paraphrase, 'The hurt of the betrayed partner is NEVER fully alleviated unless and until they become confident in the knowledge that their wayward spouse intimately understands the pain they've suffered.' It sounds to me like your FWW is either unable or unwilling to truly understand the depths of your grief.
imagine Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Put your foot down. Why should she even respect you. You will take it. She needs to understand that there is boundaries and consequences for over stepping them. What security do you and your kids have with this woman. Unless the whole deal is exposed by her in its full, brutal and ugly truth, there will be no chance of healing and reconciliation. That wound needs full and proper medication. The medicine is and will continue to be - radical honesty. Look at it another way, how can you be able to properly invest into the marriage either? Tah dah!... everybody loses. I don't know what your circumstances are... maybe she is too guilty, too ashamed, too scared, too brazen to bother dealing with the issue. Possibly a third party, such as a pastor, pro- marriage counselor etc could become involved to offer a neutral perspective. Just don't write this off no matter how late in the game.
stampdaddy Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Wibble... First of all, unfortunately I am an OM just seemily ending a 4 year relationship with a MW who I am in NC with.. I am watching (and have been for over a year now) the same thing go on with her and her H. Same ages, roughly, and I have been trying to figure out the WHY'S as well.. I don't really have any advise per se, but I do see several reasons on both sides of the coin to STAY or GO... Regarding the kids, I am sure you wonder "what is best?" Is it really best just to stay together for the "sake" of the kids? What are they REALLY seeing? Are they seeing happy parents? DO they see loving parents? Would it be better to see their parents happy even if it meant a temporary adjustment period (I am NOT making light of the pain and turmoil of a divorce).. What good does it do to just "rip the pages off of a calendar week after week, month after month and now in your case, year after year, living basically separate lives under the same roof? And you bet, she will become numb to the affair as if it didnt ever happen, which is BS (bullsh*t). That is my perspective, and I hope it is OK, even though I am a OM.. If it's not, please let me know.. Thanks ***for what it's worth, I thought MW was on her way out of her Marriage, and now I feel extremely guilty regarding her H if she "stays"...
imagine Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I meant to say that a third party intervention may have to be reattempted. Motivation for your wife should in no way be threats of separation or divorce. Threats are toothless and weak. Should she refuse discussion, consider what I now say... Apart from the adultery, she has appeared to have emotionally abandoned the marriage. Divorce her. Get your life back. Should you choose the longer and less certain route , you may want to investigate the His needs Her needs manual for expert advice. Either way, good luck to you man!
smartgirl Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 For a marriage to be viable, both partners need to fully participate, respect the other partner and care how the other partner feels. It doesn't sound like your wife is doing any of these things. If you are willing to stay in this marriage no matter how she behaves, then yes, you have no choice but to "get over it" or continue to suffer or to leave and try and rebuild your life. I believe it is impossible to just get over something this painful if the WS will not be a full participant in the recovery effort. She has refused. That is a good sign that you marriage is in name only from her standpoint. I don't think you could be expected to continue on in such a one-sided relationship. You are unhappy and I'm sure the children notice. This kind of unhappiness can become an infection in the household and I don't think you want that for your children. They need to see a strong father figure, not just one who sacrifices himself. That leads to option 3 - rebuilding your life. Show your children that they should never stay in a bad relationship. They should do what you have done to this date - negotiate, work, love, be patient - but at some point you just have to realize that you can't fix a relationship single handedly. You have tried to get your wife to work on this and she won't. Don't be a martyr or a doormat - stand up for yourself and let your children know you are doing that for yourself and for them. I'm very sorry if this sounds harsh given your sadness. And I hate having to suggest pulling the plug because I truly believe in forgiveness and second chances. But those things have got to be earned. You should go to counselling alone to help you make this transition.
OpenBook Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I cannot shake the feeling that she has only stayed with me because I was the only game in town. No-one else would want a 40-something mother of three, certainly not lover-boy... so am I sacrificing my future happiness for my childrens current peace of mind? Yup. Nobody else is sticking around for her. Why should you? I'm serious. Maybe if you answered that question to yourself, you would have greater clarity about what you should do. Why are you still sticking around??
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 She doesn't realise, or choose to realise, the festering resentment I feel that she invited another man into my bed, and hasn't even tried to explain why. Even though I was (like you) a BS, I came to understand that the "why" is never going to answered to your satisfaction. Think about it, what reason could she possibly give you that you would accept as sufficient motivation for her conduct ? If you or your M is going to recover, you eventually have to let that one go... Mr. Lucky
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wibble, I have to agree with the other posters. You tried, she don't want to work on anything. I suggest that you Divorce her. She may be shocked into reality, but, from the sounds of your wife, I don't think so. Protect your assets, divide the house, sell it, whatever! Move on MAN!
silktricks Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 One person can neither build nor rebuild a marriage. If she refuses to work with you to make a real marriage, as opposed to the farce you had while she was playing around with another guy - then why should you stay with her? What would you be staying for? The children? No. Life is short, you need to spend some of it on yourself. Good luck.
Lizzie60 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 What I would do if I were in your shoes... Knowing she's already emotionally out of the M.. I would stay for the sake of the children (if that's what you want) and have an A outside.. find someone you can bond with ... this might work.. But I'm only saying what I would do..
J2FT1 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wibble, put your foot down, for your children at least, if not for your manhood.
NoIDidn't Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 They say it takes two to five years to recover a marriage affected by infidelity - and that's even when both partners are actively working at it. And its the hardest thing you will ever do. You don't sound like you have low self-esteem to me. You sound like someone that loves his W and family and want it back the way it was, or the way you thought it was. You didn't say why she only went to four sessions. Do you remember why? I don't think that you are damaging your kids by staying if you two aren't fighting all the time in front of them or having an atagonistic type of marriage in front of them. But that's just my take on what's been said so far. I don't believe in telling a person that their marriage is over because I have seen the best marriages dissolve and the worst become the strongest unions around. So, how do you feel about the state of your union? Is there any thing that she could do to make it all worth while? Or is there too much water under the bridge?
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I dont think your wife has the brains or balls to even recommit to your marriage. much less help you recover. how long are you gonna just take her bs. It's time you just told her your done. and your not staying for the kids. I bet that light a fire up under her ass.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 so am I sacrificing my future happiness for my childrens current peace of mind? I realise this sounds like a whiny, whingeing moan, and I suppose it is, but does ANYONE know if things will get better, or will I have to "change the way I think", which seems to be the thrust of most self-help books. Do you honestly believe that your kids are better off like this? What happens when they get married and all they know of marriage is your empty loveless sham? I'd rather have my dad just punch me in the face every day. At least I know how to deal with that. So, you don't like your situation... What are you going to do about it? What's your plan? Your goal? What do you want to happen?
stampdaddy Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I'd rather have my dad just punch me in the face every day. At least I know how to deal with that. I love that line.. Just like Moe used to do to me and Larry
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wibble, like I told you before, YOU are going to have to do something about this. Your wife WON'T! It won't get any better either, just the opposite. You want help to get away from the HEX? We're here to help you, but, you got to do it!
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I'd rather have my dad just punch me in the face every day. At least I know how to deal with that. I love that line.. Just like Moe used to do to me and Larry LOL... Ok, bad choice, however my point remains the same.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 You're not happy and it definately seems as if your wife doesn't care. From your post it seems as though your wife is ignoring your needs for answers or closure and is treating your presence and pain as an annoyance. You need to focus excusively on yourself at this time to gain the clarity, fortitude, and confidence to truly act in the best interest of yourself and children by helping them to understand how to handle adversity and dissappointment in their lives with a more assertive and fortheright manner. Her refusal to acknowledge the consequences of her actions by way of the pain she has caused you or the children is an indicator of how empty she feels towards you and the marriage and no longer feels motivated to journey with you into the future. Give yourselves the relief you both need by recognizing your marriage's death and begin the process of healing by moving on to a more positive state of being for your own future. Your children are well aware of the dysfunction of your relationship and the tension and confusion it is causing in your household. Do not hold them hostage by the misguided notion that they will be better off miserable for the sake of your misery for it will only ingrain a dangerously faulty precept to emulate when faced with similar circumstances as they enter into adult relationships in the future. So much hinges on your actions today for, unless you want to witness the catastophic impact of the "Butterfly Effect" in your "Forced March of Misery and Martyrdom" on the lives of your children, their children, and their children's children, then it may also be in your best interest to reconsider your stance on continuing the marriage soley for their sakes as well.
Author Wibble Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks for all the input. In a way everyone is right in their view of the situation - one way or another something has to happen. Well maybe, just maybe, something has.... She has admitted that she has been seeing a counsellor for several weeks to try and sort out her head. I have given her my pen'orth (that she is a chronic narcissist, constantly seeking attention and affirmation, due to a deep lack of self worth.) The penny has finally begun to drop - maybe the world does not see her as she sees herself etc. She is very depressed and unable to rationalize her response to this realisation, so she is swinging violently from anger to sorrow, etc. Basically, all the neuroses she has run from her entire life have burst through the dam of self delusion, and she is swamped. I am rather detached from all this as it is not news to me, but the source of some small satisfaction that at last I am able to "get at" some of the personality issues that have governed her behaviour. This really is the last roll of the dice. If she is unable to be honest about her problems, and the need to address them, then there is little hope for the future. Thanks for all your input, everyone. It is all useful. Take care out there.
smartgirl Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I hope you will see a counsellor also -- for yourself. You sound very lonely and alone in all this and it might be good for you to work with a "guide" as you go along. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 This really is the last roll of the dice. If she is unable to be honest about her problems, and the need to address them, then there is little hope for the future. Thanks for all your input, everyone. It is all useful. Take care out there. Is there a chance that you could force a separation while she sorts herself out? I think a little space might be very good for you! Especially because your already emotionally detaching. If you don't do something to halt that process, you can't get it back. Game Over.
Darth Vader Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Is there a chance that you could force a separation while she sorts herself out? I think a little space might be very good for you! Especially because your already emotionally detaching. If you don't do something to halt that process, you can't get it back. Game Over. I think it's already Game Over, it has been a long time. He's becoming indifferent.
Recommended Posts