hellosunshine Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I found my soulmate, we dated for 3 years, it didn't work and we broke up. I've done my very best and moved on strongly, including breaking communication with him, getting rid of all the reminders, everything. In fact, I met someone new. Considerate, attractive, dedicated - and I'm putting my all into the relationship. But the old "soulmate" haunts me like a ghost. I cry over him, dream about him, think of him obsessively, and still ache as if I'd met him yesterday - and it's been almost two years! What can I do! I've considered moving out of the state, as inconvenient as it would be....it's ruining my current relationship.
foxh1234 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I found my soulmate, we dated for 3 years, it didn't work and we broke up. I've done my very best and moved on strongly, including breaking communication with him, getting rid of all the reminders, everything. In fact, I met someone new. Considerate, attractive, dedicated - and I'm putting my all into the relationship. But the old "soulmate" haunts me like a ghost. I cry over him, dream about him, think of him obsessively, and still ache as if I'd met him yesterday - and it's been almost two years! What can I do! I've considered moving out of the state, as inconvenient as it would be....it's ruining my current relationship. If you are not in contact with your ex then you are creating these thoughts all by yourself. You and only you can stop these thoughts. You are with someone else, focus on him and put the ex in the back of your mind. You will never forget him but you must re focus on NOW and not THEN. Everytime you have a thought about the ex, change your thinking and think about your BF. I still think about my ex everyday but I am getting better at wiping her out of my thoughts. You have to move on and live for now and stop thinking about something or someone that is gone. Good Luck
Author hellosunshine Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 thanx Fox. I'm trying to redirect my thoughts. Have had a lot of positive changes in my life, trying to focus on those. I've never been stuck on someone like this before...feeling pretty helpless. I don't believe in "the one" either. I try to let the feelings for him come and pass, come and pass, if only they would just leave me.
Emmeline Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Perhaps there is a problem with your current relationship that is making you reminisce about your ex. Are you getting all of your needs met with this current guy? If you are really and truly honest with yourself, is he someone that you are satisfied with? I am not saying that this is definitely why you are having these feelings, but it is something to consider. Did you have the closure you needed with your ex? As much as I dislike that word, sometimes it's appropriate to use. If you felt that you still had unfinished business or that things didn't end in a way that gave you a sense of finality, maybe you are still struggling with that. I am not going to tell you to contact him again to get the ending you need, but perhaps you could write him a letter or an email and say what you feel but don't send it. Two years does strike me as quite a long time to still be feeling this intensely about someone if you no longer have any contact with him or her. If you are finding that you are overwhelmed and still really having issues about your breakup, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist or counselor. Maybe he or she can help you figure out why this is still going on.
Author hellosunshine Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 thanks emmeline! I'm so appreciative of the support on this board. hmmm, well there's not as much spark with the new guy (ouch) but that's part of the reason we're so compatible. Things are secure and steady. I try not to compare the two, since every love feels different. It was one of those break-ups that's not definitive, and ends with the mutual, "I love you, but it's not working." By definition, those relationships don't have a clean sense of closure, I guess. Also, good call with the therapist. I just couldn't bring myself to go (doesn't it seem strange to pay a doctor over your ex?) but now with Timothy's Law I think therapists are covered by insurance. It couldn't hurt, and heck, maybe there are other bigger reasons for holding on to someone. The act of clinging itself may have some psychological explanation. Either way, I guess it's better to be proactive rather than stew in the feelings!
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 OP, did you ever think that your "soulmate" wasn't meant to be your romantic partner? If not, consider that. Also, did you grieve the loss of the R appropriately, rather than merely worked to put it out of your mind (the reminders, NC, etc). Letting a soulmate go is a traumatic experience, no matter the circumstances, IMO. My only advice is to be honest with your current beau. A mature man will understand these feelings and support you. Your job is to appreciate his support. IMO, even though every love is different, if you don't feel that "spark" which draws you to him, even exclusive of sex, then long term prospects may not be what you might have wished for. Is this current guy a rebound? I don't know. Since you seem ambivalent, maybe.
critter909 Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I disagree with Carhill. Don't tell your new man anything until you have figured out what you are going through. Once you let it fly that you don't have the "spark" it's one of those "I love you, but...." conversations. You can't take that back, he'll never forget it, and I think you'll regret it. I'm not suggesting that you string him along. Rather, see the therapist and figure out your issues and what you want from this current relationship. If you still think that he is not the right partner for you break it off. Just don't act prematurely, think it through.
Author hellosunshine Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 So interesting. I never considered that the current relationship could be the issue. I'll have to examine that. I do think there is a gentle balance between passion and compatibility in any relationship, and at this point I feel more accepting of the latter. And I have begun looking around at different spiritual connections that people share. I understand soulmates can often be mentors or teachers, even best friends. It might be healthier to include my past relationship/ex as a stepping stone, rather than trying to block it out. Well, I have a lot more avenues to consider now. I'm sure one of them will allow me to move on completely. Thanks all, for your patience!
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 OP, do you think your actions speak to your ambivalence? If yes, your current beau may already be aware that something is up. He's steady and secure so he might not be speaking up about something which is on his mind, but is rather letting it play out. OP, how long have you and your latest beau been seeing each other romantically? How long have you known each other?
NatoPMT Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Im with Fox here, you have active control over your thoughts and your thought processes if you feel you need closure, youre making someone else the boss of you - your ex cant give you closure, if thats what you think you need then its a falsehood and a way of allowing someone else power over how you feel. ....closure is something you can consciously choose not something someone else allows you to do and to that end, you should ideally use the distraction techniques with gritted teeth. Just stop thinking about him, dont give his memory, or your idling thoughts about him any credit. if you start to think about him, stop it, consciously change your thoughts and start to recite your times tables or somert if this new fella isnt right for you, and thats part of the reason you are thinking on the ex too much, then thats a form of distraction in itself...youre distracting yourself from your current issues with thoughts of your ex and theres no point in being in something thats not right for you now, as your further reinforcing the fantasy that your ex is the only one for you...hes going to seem better if your current relationship isnt up to much everything you do is having an effect on your perspective. But its not whats really happening - youre just creating a past and underlining it with your present. stoppit! BB
Author hellosunshine Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 A romantic story with the current beau. We met while traveling, he then flew back and forth visiting for several months, and finally decided to move in with me a move to the states. Not as spontaenous as it seems! He'd been planning the move anyway. Things just seemed to fall into place. It's been 8 months and no problems so far - I've even been to visit his hometown abroad. Incidentally, he'd been in a long and unhappy relationship in the past that he'd clung to for far too long. We both wanted some honesty, stability, and to make a positive change in our lives. Funny, as I write this I realize we have a lot in common. And it's a good thing. I can't believe I allow myself to compare it to the ex, but my attraction to the ex was so powerful it still amazes me. Nothing sensible or rational about that relationship! That's it, time to grip my teeth already. It will fade.
NatoPMT Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 powerful attraction isnt love. and each love we have changes as we change and we have these experiences. I will never again have the same love as i did with my first, 3rd, or 4th bf - thank crap. concentrate on your oh and mentally dump the ex - now now now im interested to see what gripping your teeth involves mind
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 hellosunshine, how much time did you take after your other relationship ended, before getting into the current one?
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I can't believe I allow myself to compare it to the ex, but my attraction to the ex was so powerful it still amazes me. Nothing sensible or rational about that relationship! Understand. Read my journals, specifically the "history" ones. I feel the same connection as I type this. I've just learned to compartmentalize it as part of my history and life and accept it for what it is. I actually wish I had never had it, as such is overwhelming for me. My wife has told me she's never felt that way about anyone and, surprisingly, I envy her. I wish I had her perspective, for even one day. Hopefully, for you, in time, things will balance out and the memories will fade. I wish that for you
Author hellosunshine Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 I met my current boyfriend 9 mnths, and several dates, after breaking up with the old boyfriend. Admittedly, I'm not the most patient. I'd rather not be on my own. I spent months trying to get the ex back; we would see each other occasionally, and exchange messages. But finally, I realized I could never force him to love me the way I loved him. That's not the way it works. Our last communication was him trying to give me a birthday gift, and suggesting a continued friendship. I politely and honestly told him I didn't have the strength, would always care about him, and hoped I could prove a friend sometime in the future. Carhill - I took a quick glance at your history, and I'll have to read it in full I'm at work . What a coincidence - I also have much older parents for my age, and my new beau is from Ukraine! Haven't read about your wife yet though...
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I met my current boyfriend 9 mnths, and several dates, after breaking up with the old boyfriend. Admittedly, I'm not the most patient. I'd rather not be on my own. I spent months trying to get the ex back; we would see each other occasionally, and exchange messages. But finally, I realized I could never force him to love me the way I loved him. That's not the way it works. Our last communication was him trying to give me a birthday gift, and suggesting a continued friendship. I politely and honestly told him I didn't have the strength, would always care about him, and hoped I could prove a friend sometime in the future. So how long between the last contact and the new b/f?
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Carhill - I took a quick glance at your history, and I'll have to read it in full I'm at work . What a coincidence - I also have much older parents for my age, and my new beau is from Ukraine! Haven't read about your wife yet though... Ah, I can tell you about Ukrainian men LOL... Wife is American with Russian ancestors, just as myself. We met online talking about my trip to Ukraine and our common ancestry. At the point I met her, it had been about 6 years and many other dates since my last contact with my friend. As future journals will reveal, time can be irrelevant. From further reading, I have a suspicion that you jumped too fast into this new R. Alone time, while scary for some, IMO is essential to centering one's emotional and spiritual self after the loss of a relationship, especially one where a person has loved deeply, like the soulmate situation you describe. Do you and your new beau communicate well? I mean both understand a common language (English or Ukrainian) well?
Author hellosunshine Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 It's been 8 months since I spoke to the ex. When I met my current boyfriend I broke the connection with the ex, feeling this was only fair to the new boyfriend and to myself. Perhaps you are right, Carhill, that I've moved too quickly. He is a doll, my Ukranian! Handsome, chivalrous, a good listener, strong but yielding. Very balanced. Impossible for me to let him pass by! And, separated by an ocean, I didn't see how it would last unless I followed the momentum. I made a point of being passive and letting things unfold. I read your history and was rather hoping you'd married the young women from the mechanic shop. I know the supernatural feeling that you describe - for example, I walked down a certain street not too long ago, and found myself stopped in the middle of the block. This is a beautiful street, this place is good, I thought, and felt a deep pull in my chest. I proceeded to check real estate listings, and even found a buildling with an apartment for rent, where I waited until I could sneak in the door just to check it out. It never did come to be, although I moved in not far away. Just this Monday I found out my ex bought a place on that very street. The strange coincidence made me sad, considering we live in a big city and had never spoken about it. But it sounds silly to an outsider, just an inconsequential fluke. I think, from your stories and my own, it seems there are many types of relationships and the great beauty of life is that they are often painfully incomplete. A perfect match, yet no romance. A burning spark for someone who cannot return it. There are a thousand variations. Maybe I've grown a little too passive after this last heartbreak, but I'm not fighting anything anymore, or thinking too hard. There is no perfect mate, I'll accept what I have. That's why I posted this, I guess. Just to express and release the feelings. I've tried to find rest and harmony, and hoped that his memory would loosen it's hold on me in the process.
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Here's a story, which underscores why you haven't let enough time pass, IMO. Last year, in early March, I started getting this strange feeling, after 10 years of being on the internet, to type my friend's name into a search engine. I had never even considered it before. After manipulating a number of sources, I found an actual address and phone number. Figuring she was still married and it was perhaps an apartment lease she had signed for her daughter, I later sent her an unsigned belated BD card (I later realized I had looked her up exactly on her BD) with nothing but a brief note and, in small print on the back of the card, my web site address (for my business). She in fact did live in the apartment and received the card only a few days prior to moving out to move in with her boyfriend. She recognized the handwriting on the card, looked up my web site, which has my phone number on it, and called me. The rest I'll leave for the journals but, sometimes, truth is just stranger than fiction. So, if your Ukrainian guy is anything like the guys I met while traveling, I envy you. I wish I had more male friends like them. I wouldn't need female friends so much Keep us posted and I'll be happy to share some of the coping tools I learned to deal with my "problem".
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