Author Laurenwho Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Ok so I need more advice. I can not believe this happened and I am NOT making this up. Even though it sounds unreal and it freaked me out. I was driving to lunch today and I checked my phone to see if anyone had called me. The screen on my phone was blank. I thought that was strange so I opened my phone (old flip phone) and everything was normal. I did not call anyone or open any menus (this is important!). I shut the phone and put it back in my purse. As I was driving I heard this noise like an automated voice- I thought that was weird as my radio wasn't on. I found out it was coming from my purse and it was my phone and the end of a voice mail recording. I looked to see who called me (I thought it was someone calling ME and it turns out it was me calling someone . I did not touch my phone, I didnt dial this person's #. But the person that I had accidently (Have no idea how!) called was the guy I've been writing about. I did not even realize I still had his number in my phone (his name starts with an M so it is pretty far down in my address book but not at the beginning or end) I had put his number in my phone last November (we were talking as friends back then) but I have NEVER called him from my cell. We did text back and forth a few times last year but the last time was in December (I wished him a Merry Christmas). But nothing since then. I had forgetten I even had his cell # in my phone (I have about 50 phone numbers in there. It is just really WEIRD that out of all 50 numbers my phone somehow dialed that one!!! I am NOT making this up. It sounds unbelieavable to me. Anyhow, I figured now he has a voicemail of static, or of the background noise of me driving and hopefully not of me talking to myself in my car lol!! I also figured he'll just think it is a wrong number (because why would he still have my # in his phone from December? He told me recently he'd gotten a new phone so why would he program my # in it when we hadnt talked in months? Anyway, I thought it was safe that he'll just think it is a wrong number or something and have no idea it was me. I didn't mean to call him and have NEVER called him from my cell phone. Last time I talked to him on the phone was in October. So I planned to not talk to him anymore and if he wants to talk to me he can email or whatever. But again really weird. HE called me and left me a message (he said he took his break at work and he saw that I called and was calling back to see what I wanted) So he does still have my # in his phone and he literally called me back about 1/2 hr after my phone called him. Do I call him back and talk like everything is normal? Just tell him I am calling to chat or make up some excuse to talk to him. Do I just ignore his call? Do I send him a text or call him back and tell him that it was an accident that I called him? I feel like such an idiot.
Jilly Bean Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Ignore it, hon. He was being polite in returning your call. Nothing more.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I didn't leave a voicemail message so he wouldn't even know it was me if he didn't have my # programmed into his phone. I guess I am just disapointed because it was fun/exciting to have someone nice interested in after all the sh*t I went through with my neglectful ex. Just gave me something to look forward to therefore why I don't want to believe he's just being polite. Most of the time if someone calls me and doesn't leave a message I don't call them back because I figure if they wanted something they'd leave a voicemail. Now if I got three calls from the same person and no message I'd probably call to see if anything is wrong. And why would he want to go on vacation with my sister and me and her husband for a week? i give up. Its just too painful/frustrating to try to date. I should haven't have left my ex.
Jilly Bean Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Lauren - I KNOW it's hard to move on. But, this guy isn't the answer to your prayers, and nor should he be! He never asked you out, and has not posed any genuine interest. He is being polite because of the connection with your bil. How about learning to love who you are as a single woman? Having a man in your life doesn't define you, nor dictate your worth. I'm actually digging being single again right now! I just think you're spending unnecessary energy trying to figure out his motivations. No point, really. Just focus on you, healing from your ex, and looking forward to a new guy who WILL return your affections.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I know I don't need a man in my life. Just hard getting over my ex even though I"m the one who left him. I wasn't even interested in this new guy until it was brought up that he was interested in ME. It was just a bright spot to look forward to. To feel desirable or at least like myself again. I guess I just don't want to believe that his actions are that he doesn't want anything to do with me.
Jilly Bean Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Lauren, you don't need to rely so heavily on a stranger that you never met for your validation. It's like you've heaped all this responsibility on him to "make you feel" certain things. Not really fair to him, since he hasn't existed in reality for you yet. I guess I don't understand why his (perceived) rejection is so important to you. I mean, it's not like you ever dated or even met! So, it's not like you should personalize this so much. There will be plenty more bright spots, and plenty more men who will find you desirable. Don't fall apart because someone you never met wasn't interested...
woods321 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 LOL.. Now having a job, being good looking, and being single is a "red flag" lol.. Jesus... Why were you "jokingly" asking him to do things? People like sincerity. Then it seems you were put off that he took you seriously. Was he too desperate at that point for you?
Bloodelf Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 How about someone who has been single for their entire 21 year life, is that a red flag?
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Lauren, you don't need to rely so heavily on a stranger that you never met for your validation. It's like you've heaped all this responsibility on him to "make you feel" certain things. Not really fair to him, since he hasn't existed in reality for you yet. I guess I don't understand why his (perceived) rejection is so important to you. I mean, it's not like you ever dated or even met! So, it's not like you should personalize this so much. There will be plenty more bright spots, and plenty more men who will find you desirable. Don't fall apart because someone you never met wasn't interested... Actually, he's not a stranger and yes we have met and when we did we really hit it off (but I was in a relationship at the time) so we just remained friends. I have always thought he was a great guy but obviously wasn't going to pursue him (nor would he pursue me while I was in a relationship- he's not that kind of guy). I've been talking to him on and off for the last 3 years. So its not like he's some stranger I thought was hot and wanted him to like me. I didn't even think about dating him even though ever since we met in person (at my sister's wedding) my aunts and my mom were very impressed with him and have always told me I should dump my guy and hook up with him.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Well, here I am confused AGAIN!! Up until last night I believed that this guy just wasn't interested. I told my sister this and she said I was crazy. What happened after my phone accidently dialed his number (far fetched, I know but it did happen) is that he called me (he must have had my # programed in his phone) from work and said he saw I called and was calling me back to see what I wanted. I ended up sending him a text message acting like I MEANT to call him and just said sorry to bother him I didn't realize he was at work and I had just called to say hi. That it wasn't anything important. He texted me back (from work) that he was really glad to hear from me and that he hoped my day was going better than his. He AGAIN told me to call him anytime and not to worry if he was at work or not. That he would use his break to call me back. I just texted him back that I hoped his night got better and when he got off work he texted me saying his night was better already and that he hoped I had fun this weekend (on a short trip I told him about). I never called him again and basically since I've made all the first moves and he's never initiated anything, I was convinced he wasn't interested. So I have had no contact with him since last friday. But now I am confused. My sister called me last night and told me that this guy called her hubby and mentioned that I had called him but that he hadnt' heard from me all week since then. He wondered if I'd gotten back with my boyfriend or if anything was wrong. Her hubby told him that I was getting the impression that he just wasn't into me. My sister said he told her husband that he does really like me and would love to date me. But he is worried because he likes me so much and doesn't want to get his hopes up. He realizes we live about 3.5 hrs away and he thinks I might get back with my ex. He told her hubby (according to my sister) that he REALLY likes me and that he wants something serious with the next person he dates and he didn't know if that would scare me. My sister said he is a very sincere guy. She said he told her husband that he really likes me and is afraid to talk to me a lot because he thinks he will like me even more and not be able to get me out of his head and then if we can't date (if i get back with my ex or the distance is too great) then he will be bummed. I don't know if that is just a nice way of saying that he's not interested in pursuing anything or if he really is sincere or afraid to keep talking to me because he's not sure where I stand. I don't think my BIL would exagerate or lie to me. He' s been friends with this guy for a few years and if this guy didn't like me why wouldn't he just come out and agree with me and tell me yeah he's not really interested, so that I would leave the guy alone. Most guys don't want women they aren't into bothering them. He wouldn't have to mean about it, just tell me yeah he just wants to be friends. Also this morning I found out this guy had sent me a message thru myspace yesterday (he is on myspace a lot). He added a comment to my page with this picture of a kitten (I had told him I have a new kitten) and he wrote a nice message telling me he was thinking about me and wanted to say hi. So now I am confused. Does he like me or not?
imbewildered Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 So now I am confused. Does he like me or not? I just read your last post and I cannot understand how you need to ask the question quoted above. THe EVIDENCE says that he likes you a lot. How do I know? Because he SAID so . WTF is there to be confused about? This guy has gone to the trouble to talk about his feelings with your sister's hubby. THat means he is INTERESTED in you. Your sister also told you that he is a genuine guy . His reason for being aloof because he is reluctant to date you in case you go back to your ex is VERY believable,. Guys do not want to waste their time, money and affection on a woman who is dithering around. Men like definite womaen - rare commodities indeed. SO how much more do you need to know, and why do women NEVER believe the evidence right under their noses. You gals do not need to discuss every tiny interaction with a guy to unravel "what he really meant".. WHat a waste of energy. Men mean what they say ( until they change their mind about you ..LoL ) THis guy wants to date you. Take it from another guy - me. He is waiting for "a sign" from you that you are interested and AVAILABLE Go get him.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 I just read your last post and I cannot understand how you need to ask the question quoted above. THe EVIDENCE says that he likes you a lot. How do I know? Because he SAID so . WTF is there to be confused about? This guy has gone to the trouble to talk about his feelings with your sister's hubby. THat means he is INTERESTED in you. Your sister also told you that he is a genuine guy . His reason for being aloof because he is reluctant to date you in case you go back to your ex is VERY believable,. Guys do not want to waste their time, money and affection on a woman who is dithering around. Men like definite womaen - rare commodities indeed. SO how much more do you need to know, and why do women NEVER believe the evidence right under their noses. You gals do not need to discuss every tiny interaction with a guy to unravel "what he really meant".. WHat a waste of energy. Men mean what they say ( until they change their mind about you ..LoL ) THis guy wants to date you. Take it from another guy - me. He is waiting for "a sign" from you that you are interested and AVAILABLE Go get him. And this is WHY I'm confused!!! Lol. If you read everything the other posters before you said- he is NOT interested! And I was in agreement with that after reading their responses and thinking about his behavior. I was thinking he was just being nice. But I live four hours away from him so there is no need to be nice if he wants to ignore me it would be easy to do. I am just worried what he said to my BIL was just an excuse- he's not interested but he's trying to be nice about it and not hurt my feelings so he could have basically been saying that he likes me, thinks I'm hot but he doesn't pursue me because if he talks to me a lot he's going to like me even more and doesn't want that to happen because he wants a serious relationship and isn't sure that would happen with me. (meaning he'll say something nice but its him blowing me off at the same time- I REALLY like you but can't spend much time talking to you because I would fall for you and am afraid of that happening. Sounds like a "nice" way of saying he's not interested but it is designed to not hurt my feelings. HE didn't tell ME that he likes me, he hasn't flirted with me or done much except returning my call and emails and sending me a cute message yesterday on my space. (and I read some of his past emails (from Oct-December) and he was very witty and always trying to make me laugh in those but not in the recent ones. They are more factual but nice. Maybe I did hurt his feelings (or turn him off) by telling him I wasn't serious about inviting him on vacation. I have NO idea what to think.
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Hey, if being single is this complicated, I think I'll stay married and miserable
Gemini0525 Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 I skimmed over the posts, so hopefully I didn't miss anything important but... I think you should be more aggressive. Ask him out. Set a date. See where it goes. Don't second guess anything.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 So is he interested or not? Any other opinions? Thanks!
Jilly Bean Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 So is he interested or not? Any other opinions? Thanks! NO! I don't think he is. I still think he's being polite because your family is involved and are the ones who were pushing to get you together. He doesn't want to muddy that friendship. Beyond that, his excuses are pretty lame-o. One thing I know for sure (as was recently reconfirmed in my OWN dating life), is that if a guy is interested - he WILL call you, he WILL date you, and he WILL make his interest known. Also, as I like to say, if it's that confusing, then it's crystal clear. Meaning, if you are sweating his interest, it's because it's obvious it's just not there.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 NO! I don't think he is. I still think he's being polite because your family is involved and are the ones who were pushing to get you together. He doesn't want to muddy that friendship. Beyond that, his excuses are pretty lame-o. One thing I know for sure (as was recently reconfirmed in my OWN dating life), is that if a guy is interested - he WILL call you, he WILL date you, and he WILL make his interest known. Also, as I like to say, if it's that confusing, then it's crystal clear. Meaning, if you are sweating his interest, it's because it's obvious it's just not there. Good point. But I don't think its obvious he's not interested-or I wouldn't be confused:). Keep in mind we live about 3 1/2 hours away from eachother so its not like he lives down the street or I can run into him somewhere. He can't just ask me to get a drink after work or something. So the only way he can show interest is to call or email me. And he's done both. And I wasn't the one who was interested in HIM to begin with so its not like my sister was trying to set me up because I hinted at it or anything. HE was the one who told his buddy (my BIL) that he was interested in ME and continues to do so. Why would he do this if he truly wants nothing to do with me or just wants to be friends? We hadn't talked or emailed in about 7 months so why out of the blue (when he found out I was single) would he tell BIL he likes me if he truly isn't interested? That part makes NO sense to me?
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 My god, can't they just drag the two of you to the beach, get you naked and get it over with? OY!
Author Laurenwho Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 My god, can't they just drag the two of you to the beach, get you naked and get it over with? OY! lol. I agree with you- I'd rather be married and miserable at this point than single! So you are saying my sister and BIL made all this up and are trying to push us together and that this guy didn't say anything of this and isn't interested?
carhill Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 No, what I'm saying is one of you better grab the other one and lay a lip lock on before I do it for you/him And I thought I had romantic angst! The calm retort is that I did all of this when I was younger and, upon reflection, it was such a waste of my time and emotion. Don't be me
Jilly Bean Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Good point. But I don't think its obvious he's not interested-or I wouldn't be confused:). I still think it's irrelevant to pine and obsess over whether he's interested or not, considering he is making NO overtures towards dating you. THAT is where it's crystal clear, hon. You're confused because you think he's sending mixed messages, but you still need to judge him by his actions, and not his intent. It doesn't matter HOW much he may want you, if he's not going to act on it.
imbewildered Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I am just worried what he said to my BIL was just an excuse- he's not interested but he's trying to be nice about it and not hurt my feelings . Gawd, I hope that NO man is ever that NICE. WTF are you thinking? THis guy wants to date you and he is waiting for you to signal "the green light". He has essentially told you why he is not diving right in. He is not going ro waste his time with a dithering woman and you are dithering around. Find a way to signal to him that you are available - geez you are a woman, surely you know how to do that ?
Author Laurenwho Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Ok so most are saying he's not interested and some are saying he is waiting for a signal that I'm interested. I still do not know what to think!!!!!!! I haven't had any contact with him since last friday and on Monday he sent me a cute message on myspace saying he hoped I Had a good weekend and was thinking of me. And today he just sent me a text saying " I just wanted to say hi and I hope you are having a good day". I don't understand why all of a sudden he keeps sending me stuff if he doesn't want our communication to continue. And i get what you are saying about his actions- but its a bit different because it would be a long distance relationship. So its not like he can just ask me out (going out would require a lot of planning as we live so far away.) so we would just be in the sort of more intimately getting to know each other stage. If he's not interested its a little cruel of him to tell my BIL he IS interested and would love to date me and then keep sending me messages and stuff knowing that I possibly know he likes me. One thing- I haven't changed my status on my space to single yet if that makes any diference. (just don't remember how to change it and i'm not on there much) And he is on my space every day. If it was a normal situation where the guy lived in my area I would def agree that he is not interestd in me cause he hasn't asked me out. But he did want to go on vacation with me (and my sister and my BIL, his friend) so isnt' that a good sign or shoudl i just drop it.
carhill Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 OK, different angle, due to the LD situation. He's keeping his name in front of you and keeping you wondering a bit so as to prevent/deter another steed from moving in on your attentions before he gets his act together (who knows what is really going on with him; like JB said, some people are secretive about personal stuff). By playing this little game, he engages your emotions and he's on your mind, even if not in a totally positive manner... Or, I'm wrong
daphne Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 I got through the whole thread and I have a few thoughts. 1) You're suffering from the feminine analysis paralysis of does he like me or not. You are too invested for someone you barely know. I think that if you don't settle down, you'll spin yourself out and do something overly emotional to push this guy away. 2) You can't rely on your bil and sister. They are putting their own spin on it. Well intentioned meddlers, they want to score a setup. Can't blame them for that. But you can't trust them to be unbiased and give you just the facts. 3) Actions speak louder than words. This guy's interest is lukewarm at best. I don't care what he's saying to BIl and sister. His actions don't include him asking you out. Even shy guys know that if they want something, they have to go out and get it. Guys are very simple the vast majority of the time. They see something pretty and shiny, they want it, they go figure out a way of getting it. It's women that mistakenly think they have elaborate mental thought processes and overly sensitive natures like we do and try to project. They are much simpler than we are. Thank god. 4) He is still contacting you and making a little (albeit very little) effort. Change your status to single on your myspace. I would consider it a red flag if I were him. Respond to his texts and see where it goes. If it fizzles, stop talking to your sister and bil about it. You are adults that shouldn't be using an intermediary to pass notes to. 5) And for the love of god, don't listen to teh guys who have an agenda to tell you that women are this and that and put you down to get you to buy what they're selling. Notice they're teh only ones saying he's super interested and suggesting you make overtures. If you really want heartache, start calling him and asking him out. You'll be back here posting within the hour. I've been in your shoes with the over analysis, and have really come to terms with understanding that actions speak louder than words. You really want this guy to be into you because he's good on paper. But until he starts doing something about it, he's showing that his interest level isn't that high. But have to give him a b for effort since he has contacted you twice since he spoke with your sister or bil about his supposed lack of interest.
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