Laurenwho Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Lots of changes recently. left my workaholic guy. Anyhow the week after I left him my sister (who lives several hours away) wants to fix me up with her husband's best friend (who lives two hours away from them, four hours away from me.) I had met him at their wedding. My sister says he is a very nice guy and both of us have had bad luck dating. I actually started talking to him about 3 or 4 years ago. He had gone through a bad break up and didn't want to leave the house and my sister convinced us to start IMing each other. He was fun to talk to and we joked around a lot. About 6 months ago I talked to him on the phone about car stuff (he has a car I was interested in). He knew I was in a relationship and was very polite on the phone, no flirting or nothing out of line. However when my sister told him I am no longer dating anyone, he told her and her husband he is very interested in me. We email eachother sometimes and I had sent him an email (in response to his) telling him about a vacation to the beach I was taking in two months. I told him my sister and her husband are supposed to go but her husband is balking and I jokingly wrote that he (the guy) should tag along to keep my sis's hubby company. Well this guy wasnt sure if I was serious or not and according to my sister's husband he called him and asked if I was serious. He was excited that I might want to spend a week at the beach with him. We have only met once in person (that was at my sister's wedding) and he spent most of the night talking to my aunts. I had a boyfriend at the time so we didn't talk other than to say hello. This guy is a very good looking guy (my sister says everyone thinks he's good looking) but he is single and has been for awhile. He is a southern boy, very polite, but with an adventurous side. He enjoys things like sky diving and I'm not into that. Well this guy wrote back to me and told me to call him anytime and that he asked his boss for that week for vacation off but wasn't allowed to take it. I was shocked that he thought I was serious but flattered that he wanted to spend the week with me. My sister really wants me to date him and her husband is like "you guys could get married then he'd be my brother!!" They are really pushing for this. My question is- this guy seems sincere, sweet, he's educated, he's good looking, he has money, he's never cheated on anyone, he is a nice guy according to my sister. So why isn't he taken? He knows he's attractive, he knows he's a catch, I believe. He finds me very attractive and enjoys talking to me (according to my sister's husband). He has admitted he's had a thing for me since we met but knew I was dating someone so he never pushed it. He seems like a guy who is sort of too good to be true and you know what they say about that. Do you think he's a player? Or one of those "nice guys" who are jerks? I don't know if I should take the chance to get to know him better (we live four hours apart) but he is willing to move if anything were to develop. I'm just concerned because I would think someone with all those good qualities would be able to find a partner where he lives. I don't want to get played. I guess I am concerned that maybe my sis and her husband don't really know him like they think. For example, he didnt' even bring a date to their wedding. He sat and chatted with my 50 year old aunts or drank beer all night and hung out with the other groomsmen. He has a myspace page and there are a lot of flirty comments from females on it. If that matters. (don't know much about my space). Should I keep my guard up and try to get to know him? Or should I write him off.
Graduate Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 My question is- this guy seems sincere, sweet, he's educated, he's good looking, he has money, he's never cheated on anyone, he is a nice guy according to my sister. For example, he didnt' even bring a date to their wedding. He sat and chatted with my 50 year old aunts or drank beer all night and hung out with the other groomsmen. Wow, that guys sounds like a real catch. If you don't want him, can I have his number? I don't think his having been single for a while is a red flag. I have been single for nearly 4 years now, but I don't think that means I am not relationship material. It just means I have high expectations from a mate and am not willing to date just anyone, just so I can say I am in a relationship. If he is as great as you think he is, he may just be waiting for the right woman to come along and not be willing to settle for less. If I were you I'd feel very flattered that he seems to think I might be that woman. Also if he is your brother-in-law's best friend, and your sister is eager to set you up with him, I would take that as a very positive and trusthworthy reference.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I am flattered that he likes me. We were talking online (3 or 4 years ago) just as friends as I was trying to cheer him up after his break up and he seemed to be a good guy. We had never met and when we did (last year) my sister said he was like "WOW" when he saw me. So I'm glad he thinks I'm cute too. But I just worry as I haven't dated in a LONG time (been in a relationship) and I didnt' mean to imply that anyone who hasn't been in a relationship has something wrong with them. I just thought maybe for him- he might be a player and just enjoys going out and hooking up all the time instead of settling down with someone. Nothing wrong with that if thats your game, but I don't want to date anyone like that. It's fine if he's picky, I just don't want to date someone who is full of himself and is only interested in hooking up. My sister's husband NEVER had a serious relationship before her. He was dating a MW for a few months and his other relationships were just casual or only lasted a few weeks. He says he never met the right woman till my sister and he couldn't believe someone like her would give him the time of day (he's sweet). I do trust my sister but since this would be long distance at first I would have to put a lot of trust into this guy if we started dating. So I just want to make sure he's not a player or afraid of committment.
Stockalone Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If that guy is your brother-in-law's best friend, he knows if the guy is a player or not. No guy in his right mind would set up his wife's sister with a guy that he knows is a player. If your sister's husband is a good man, I would take his word for it. So I don't think that this guy is a player. Since the guy knows both your sister and her husband, that should give you plenty of opportunities to meet the guy in a "safe" environment with both of them around. Your sister could invite both of you for dinner on a weekend, etc. I don't see any harm in getting to know this guy in such an environment. That gives you a great opportunity to decide if you want to get to know him further and to see if he is a good in person as he is on paper. After that, you can still decide to date him or not. Edit: I hadn't read your last post before replying. Your BIL's dating track record is somewhat iffy. Still, I stand by what I said. If you trust your BIL and think he is a good man, then I would trust him that his friend isn't a player.
Balthazar Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 No, don't date this guy. Anybody who has a such great credentials but hasn't been in a relationship for a few years is bound to be a dud. What you need is a broke dude who will slap you around and treat you like dirt! Joking aside, modern women have to stop over analyzing these matters. There are great guys out there who are not taken because a lot of modern women have s**t for brains and need therapy on a 9-5 basis. Feminist propaganda has taught women to question everything and everybody, but I think you have to be wary of going over the top. If you are looking for reasons not to date this guy, look no further. There are plenty of jaded people who will tell you not to do it, usually because they are not happy in their lives. I can tell you like this guy; he ticks a lot of the correct boxes for you. He hasn't been in a relationship for a few years? SO WHAT? He has less emotional baggage; is this bad? So, if you must listen to others on such a clear matter, just go ahead and do it! CHeers,
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If you're attracted to him, date him. If he's a player, this should manifest itself pretty quickly, as long as you take it slowly to get to know him. He sounds more like a guy who's gun shy, rather than a player.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 First of all, good for you for ending a relationship that wasn't giving you what you needed. Secondly, I agree that you should give this guy a chance. I am wondering, though -- have you had time to recuperate after your breakup? It sounds like it happened pretty recently. You don't want this new great guy to be the rebound guy, right?
Author Laurenwho Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 I wouldn't be using this guy as a rebound guy- I think my ex and I drifted apart long before we broke up. I mean I still loved him and was trying to work things out but it was so painful. Something he did about a week before I left him was we went out to dinner and to see a movie and we were sitting in the theater and he made no move to hold my hand. I finally took his hand and he held mine but the whole time he kept picking at my nails (as a way to annoy me) I finally moved my hand away. THat day I was happy to be with him and during the movie I reached over and gave him a little kiss on the cheek and told him I loved him. And he literally had NO reaction. HE didn't look at me, didn't smile, didn't kiss me back, didn't reach over and squeeze my hand,nothing. And thats when I realized just how alone I already was and that it just hurt too much to love someone who basically treats me like I was invisible. HE was getting all of his needs met by me and yet I wasn't getting anything more than this shell of a person to interact with and a roof over my head. So its not as though I'm all torn up about leaving him. Yes, I'm very sad it didnt' work out and that I wasted so much of my life with him hoping he'd change. Also with the new guy- we wouldn't be rushing anything. He lives 4 hours away from me and neither of us would move right now so it would be long distance and he'd come see me and I'd go see him once in awhile.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Anyway, I think I was right about this guy. He just doesn't seem like relationship material. I hate to think my sister and BIL were wrong about him but I just don't get the vibe that he is into me. maybe I am reading too much into this but he and I have been casual friends (we don't talk about anything deep) for the last year or so. We actually talked a few times 3 years ago (when we were "introduced") My sister told me to email him (before I left my ex) and so I did as I hadn't talked to him since christmas. He sent me back this nice long happy to hear from me email. we emailed back and forth for a week or so. WHen I broke up with my ex I wasnt' thinking of hooking up with with this guy. It wasn't till afterward that my sister and her hubby told me that he was happy I left my ex and that he really likes me. I had sent him an email and I was joking about him coming on vacation with me for a week to the beach. Well he kinda took me seriously and called my BIL to find out if I was serious about the invitation. Then my BIL called me and told me how much this guy (his best friend) likes me and that he wanted to go on vacation with us. He ended up sending me an email saying that he couldn't get the time off but that he wouldve liked to spend the week with me and thanks for the invite. Well, now knowing he likes me I sent him a flirty email back. Not suggestive flirty but just playful flirty. I told him that I was only joking about the vacation thing but that I was happy he took me seriously and wanted to go. I added that "I wouldn't mind spending a week with you;)" and I also referenced something that my BIL told me. He said his friend liked my pics of last year's beach trip that I had on my space. One is me in a bikini (obviously as I'm at the beach) and BIL said his friend liked that pic. So in my email I joked that I needed his regular email address to send him some pics I thought he'd like. It was just a joke as I was actually going to try to be funny and send him a pic off the internet of an 80 yr old lady in a bikini and tell him gee I don't look like I did last year- just as a joke (he is a guy who would get it). I sent the email last thursday. And I never heard from him. Normally he answers my emails in a day or two. He checks his email every day. So I know he got it (it said my email was read). But he never replied. So I began to doubt what I wrote (that maybe he was offended or actually thought I was going to send him naked pics and thats why he didn't write back?? So finally yesterday (after 6 days of no reply) I sent him another email just saying hi and sorry if I offended him and that I was just joking. I then asked him about his weekend. He answered right away (within a few hours) and said he doesn't get offended easily and that he likes to joke around too and its good I have a great sense of humor. He gave me his regular email address and told me to email or call him anytime. He talked about his weekend and how he wanted to go to a particular amusement park (that is about an hour from me) but that he got stood up and then he told me if I'd never been there I should go because its awesome. Didn't invite me though. His email was just like all the others we've exchanged. Nothing flirty in it, nothing that would suggest he has any interest in me other than as a friend. he has my phone number (well he used to) and if he doesn't know he could easily get it from my sister (he is good friends with her). He just doesn't seem into me at ALL. My sister and BIL were telling me how much he likes me and was excited I left my guy. and how happy he was that he thought I invited him to vacation with us. I doubt they would lie to me and if they did then that really was a low thing to do and it hurts. I just dont' think he's into me because I'm always the one who emails him first and also because he didn't reply to my slightly flirty email at all. but then he tells me (in two separate emails) to call or email him anytime. I don't get it. I haven't dated in a long time but am I missing something or is my instinct that he just isn't into me correct?
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Something's going on with this guy. I'm guessing he's interested in someone else who he's currently dating. For you, I think he's destined for the friendzone.
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Yeah, every woman is a potential marriage proposal. He's commitment phobic. Looking for the "perfect" woman. The end of his R many years ago reminds him of his failure in that regard. His success in every other regard (looks, status, money) remind him that he's imperfect in one aspect of his life (relationships). Angst, despair So much for my dimestore psych analysis. Carry on! P.S. As someone who isn't so perfect, I love(d) flirting with women, regardless of where it went. It's just something fun to do, especially when they flirt funny (as in humorous). Laughter is a great aphrodisiac and brightens nearly everyone's day. Good on ya for trying; don't change that....
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Something's going on with this guy. I'm guessing he's interested in someone else who he's currently dating. For you, I think he's destined for the friendzone. TBF, wouldn't sis/BIL tell her if he's dating someone else? He is BIL's "best friend". I would assume they'd know, unless he's secretive; in that case, I'd pass on that one personality aspect alone.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 TBF, wouldn't sis/BIL tell her if he's dating someone else? He is BIL's "best friend". I would assume they'd know, unless he's secretive; in that case, I'd pass on that one personality aspect alone. Not if he's only casually dating someone. I bolded parts of the excerpt that also gives me the impression this is so. He talked about his weekend and how he wanted to go to a particular amusement park (that is about an hour from me) but that he got stood up and then he told me if I'd never been there I should go because its awesome. Didn't invite me though. His email was just like all the others we've exchanged. Nothing flirty in it, nothing that would suggest he has any interest in me other than as a friend. He seems to blow warm and cold which makes me think that when he's cold, he's looking at someone else. This refusal, almost withdrawal, when she tries to flirt with him, is also a teller. What red-blooded man wouldn't be interested in swapping pics with a woman he's attracted to?
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 I've got to wonder out loud about the BIL and "best friends". I mean, my best male friend knew about my contact with my old female friend and that was potentially damaging information to my marriage. If this guy is "casually dating" someone and his best friend doesn't know and they're all "discussing" a beach vacation, well, I'm just so out of it I might as well go turn on the gas right now
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 Not all men and women share dating information with each other. Some prefer to internalize certain aspects of their private lives. My ex-SIL was like that. She was cute, friendly and bubbly but realistically speaking, you never knew how she felt about anything meaningful.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks for your responses. TBF you may be right- he could be casually dating someone. I have no idea why he wouldn't tell my BIL this info though. Why would he be excited that I invited him for on our week vacation and even ask his boss if he can have the time off (unless he's lying about that) if he was casually dating someone else? Why would he tell my sister and one of his best friends that he is interested in me if he was actually interested in someone else? I wasn't interested in him until my sister and BIL told me how into me HE was. His mentioning he got blown off when he was supposed to go to an amusement park, I have no idea if it was a woman or just a few friends he was supposed to go with. The conversation he had with my sister and BIL was over 4th of July weekend so if he was even casually seeing someone then why would he want to go on vacation with me or tell my BIL he likes me?? While he's not really giving me the cold shoulder he is definately treating me just as a friend and I don't quite understand it. But the possibly dating someone else makes sense.
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 If he's not in an exclusive relationship, he has no real commitments. I'm not suggesting that he has no interest in you but he might have something going that preceded you.
carhill Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 OK, tell sis that you're getting mixed signals from this guy and don't think he's really interested in you romantically. Cut contact. Enjoy the beach. Lots of hawt guys at the beach
Author Laurenwho Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I called my sister last night and told her I didn't think I was going to keep talking to her husband's friend that they tried to set me up with. I just feel like he is not interested. She was suprised. She said that she thinks maybe I hurt his feelings by telling him that I wasn't really serious when I invited him on vacation with us. She said he was excited about going and that is a "very sensitive guy". She said that he told them he really likes me and that she doesn't know of him dating or seeing anyone. I am so confused!!! here is the part of the email I sent him that he NEVER responded to. I was kinda joking about the vacation thing- didnt' think you'd take me seriously. When (sister) told me I was like you're going to think I'm crazy. But its cool if you did (think I was serious about the vaca, not think I'm crazy lol) I wouldn't mind hanging out with you for a week. Too bad ur boss won't let you take any vacation but I can understand you guys will be pretty busy. Any fun plans for the weekend? Be sure to call (sister) and make fun of her because she's turning 26! Make her feel OLD. Well ttyl In this email I also mentioned (joking around) sending him pictures from the beach of me in a bikini. He did not respond to this email at all. and I know he read it. Six days later I sent him an email appologizing if I offended him or something. He responded immediately with offended?...me? not at all. I like to joke around alot myself so im glad to see you have a good sense of humor. Not alot going on around here except yard work(which sucks) and crashed plans. I have been trying to get someone to go with me to (Amusement park)for a month or so now and something always comes up. I love the park and if you have never been there and like amusement parks you need to check it out. As far as my weekend I have to work. I had yesterday and today off and had to catch up with stuff around the house. I hope you didnt get into trouble with the boss for sleepin in but for what its worth I hope you have a good day...or at least the rest of it. If i dont hear from you have a good time this weekend. And you can email me or call anytime. Talk to ya later. : ] To me that is a totally friends/only response. No response at all to my flirty email. For what its worth we do live about 3 hours away from eachother but he lives very close to my sister. (so if I visited her I could see him). It just confuses me because two weeks ago my sister and her hubby were telling me how interested this guy was in me and what a great guy he is and I just feel rejected for some reason.
carhill Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 OP, he's not a sensitive guy. Trust me on that one. We read between the lines and answer questions not even asked. We also can't keep secrets to save our lives. It's written all over our faces even if we don't speak a syllable I'm going to reiterate my prior last advice. Cut contact and don't even mention him to sis again. I have similar philosophy about women who are "so good looking"; I figure they get enough attention so they won't miss mine not existing Enjoy the beach and post the bikini pictures here, where they'll be greatly appreciated and commented on
HiItsMe Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Joking aside, modern women have to stop over analyzing these matters. There are great guys out there who are not taken because a lot of modern women have s**t for brains and need therapy on a 9-5 basis. Feminist propaganda has taught women to question everything and everybody, but I think you have to be wary of going over the top. If you are looking for reasons not to date this guy, look no further. Right on the money! Thing is, with these kind of women, he is too good for them.
Trialbyfire Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Right on the money! Thing is, with these kind of women, he is too good for them. Oh do stop pedalling the propaganda and searching for hidden feminists. Y'all remind me of Michael Moore, always seeking the conspiracy. Laurenwho, what do you think is stopping this guy from asking you out?
Jilly Bean Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I get the feeling that he was pressured into the fix-up from the start, but that he never had a genuine interest in you. Hence the lukewarm responses (if at all) and the purely friendly banter. Move on.
Author Laurenwho Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Yeah I had thought of that too. they tried to fix me up with him about 3 or 4 years ago after he came out of a serious relationship and was depressed. I was dating my ex at the time and though I talked to him I wasn't interested. I just don't know why my sister and her husband would push this on him (or on me) if the guy wasn't actually into me. I mean when I sent him the email saying he should go on vacation with me to keep my sister's hubby company (it was ONE line in an email)- why would this guy call my sister and my BIL to find out if I was actually serious? And then my sister called me and was like "did you ask (guy) to go on vacation with you? Thats awesome!!" And I told her it was a joke and she said that he (guy) wasn't sure but had hoped I was serious. I told my sister I definately wouldn't mind if he came on the vacation with us. Then her husband (who hardly ever talks to me) got on the phone and started asking me if I liked his friend and that he (guy) really liked me and thought I was cool and that he wanted to go on this week vacation with us and was going to see if he could get the time off. He said he wouldn't go into details about what "his boy" said about me because he wanted me to know that he is into me and "digs" me and was really excited I asked him to go on this vacation and happy to hear that I'm finally single. So why would they go through all this and why would her husband (who again rarely talks to me) tell me all this about his good friend liking me if it wasnt' true? And if he wasn't into me (I would think it would be strange to be asked to spend a week with a girl you aren't even sure is single) why would he respond to my email mentioning the vacation? why not ignore it like the last one? Why go on to tell me that he asked for the time off and it was denied? I don't know why my sister would hurt me this way-it feels like rejection and stings especially after what I've gone through with my ex- because I wasn't the one who was interested in HIM in the first place. I always thought he was a nice guy but he lives too far away and I never imagined dating him. And after he called my sister about the vacation invite she is the one who was trying to convince ME that I should actually take him up on his offer to go with us. So I would see them pushing it on HIM if I wanted to date him and was down in the dumps and my sis and her hubby were trying to cheer me up, then I see them pushing it on HIM but that wasn't how it was at all.
zicke Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Because they were probably putting their own spin on things--of course your sister is gonna want to see you happy. Forget about this guy. He had the perfect opportunity to ask you to the amusement park and didn't take it. That is a man who is not interested. Nothing you did, just not there for him. Move on and stop emailing him.
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