hendersongirl Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 they split up two and a half years ago, when he moved countries - she was going to come, but ended up staying (not exactly sure why...)we got together about 6-8 months after he moved here, and i didnt even know about herthey msn regularly, send each other birthday cards, hes been back to visit her twice (once before we met and once shortly after we were together - but it was organised beforehand and plus, he was visiting other friends and had a summer job there)i know they are still friends, but recently he told me some things that make me think she is still in love with him. just getting upset at pictures of me, stuff like that.he doesnt love her, i know this, he loves me and wants to marry me and we have a wonderful relationship.i just cant help but worry - almost obsessively!! like, is it healthy to keep contact with an ex who still loves him? help me understand this idea of being friends with someone you were in love with! i feel like if she had ended up moving here, they would still be together and still in love.. is it reasonable to insist he stops all contact? i just feel mean and controlling - she is one of his only friends. but they were IN LOVE and nothing went wrong!!i feel like im wasting a great relationship worrying about something trivial - i dont really even know what im worried about exactly.
saraispiel19 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So you know for a fact that she still loves him? She's said so?.. Have you told your man that this bothers you? I honestly don't think it's good to keep in contact with exes once your in a "exclusive" or "long term" relationship-- unless of course both parties are okay with it but in this case you aren't so something has to be done.
megnog Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 this is really unlike me and easier said than done, but you can either A tell him and hope he cuts ties OR you could B: not even care. You said you know that he doesn't love her anymore, he loves you, he wants to be with you. If you nag and nag and worry obsessively and go crazy you are only going to send him fleeing. I wish there was an easier way but if its at all possible just remember that he is with you. He wants you. He wants you probably because you're a cool chica.. cool chica's don't go crazy over some girl. Its a tricky situation but if you say you KNOW he wants you and only you, there is no reason to fret.... you know?
Author hendersongirl Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 thanks guysi just feel like too much of a nagging b*tch to demand him not to be friends with her - if i reverse the roles, etc etc i KNOW hes not really doing anything wrong. it is totally irrational, and i really wish i could stop obsessing and fully enjoy our love.i go through phases, right now he is on msn in the next room, no idea if she is but ive been telling myself it doesnt bother me for the last few days, and today it really just didnt - he can talk to her, im secure.i have told him that i feel funny about it, but didnt ask him not to, and he thought it was cute that i was jealous and told me not to worry etc. so i felt good about it, then a couple of times come into the room and seen him quickly close a window, with a guilty look on his face, which of course only flares the jealousy up again - even though he is being sneaky in order to spare me getting jealous. men's logic is screwed sometimes, he thinks it helps. anyway, thanks for your suggestions, megnog that really helped and i think was exactly what i needed to hear.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I can understand how you feel. I don't understand why some people feel they have to stay in touch with their exes. When I'm done I'm done. I think that you should be honest with your bf about how you feel. He did tell you his ex gets upset at pictures of you and I like you can only think that is because she is still in love with him. If that is the case then he definitely needs to stop contact with her because I don't think he'd be too happy if you were still talking to an ex who still wanted you. I would just be honest with him about my feelings because if you try to ignore that feeling you get each time they talk it will eat you alive. At least if you're honest with him about your true feelings you'll still feel better and it will keep your relationship close.
stillafool Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 So you know for a fact that she still loves him? She's said so?.. Have you told your man that this bothers you? I honestly don't think it's good to keep in contact with exes once your in a "exclusive" or "long term" relationship-- unless of course both parties are okay with it but in this case you aren't so something has to be done. Sorry this is off topic - but I just wanted to tell saraispiel19 that her avatar is adorable. You guys are too cute!
nicki Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Yes, very cute, and happy, too! Back on topic, the only thing that worries me is that he closes his computer windows down and has a guilty look on his face. Sparing you from jealousy? Please. Everything should be out in the open for this to work. He should be communicating with her right in front of you, letting you know when they have talked to each other, keeping you in the loop. No secret conversations should be going on. You need to be aware of their general level of contact and their content. Even if it's as simple as "Hey, Jane mentioned in her email yesterday that she is getting a puppy." I also agree that exes don't belong in new relationships, but I realize there can be situations where that happens. It needs to be open, with you knowing everything. Don't be a fool and assume you can't tell them to be friends. If it really bothers you, he should cut contact down to a couple of times a year to say hi, and to let you know. Or, he should cut it out completely. Most guys pick their girlfriends over the exes. It's who they put first. The fact that she still "loves" him shows her motivation. That really should be enough for him to cut it off. Why feed into it? Just watch him. And don't play it cool like whatever he wants to do is fine. Many a woman has thought she would show him that she isn't demanding and is actually easygoing. This site is full of what happens in their relationships. Never hurts to put your foot down and be assertive about something that bothers or threatens you. He should be responsive.
saraispiel19 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 haha thanks guys To the OP: I spoke to my husband about your situation and well from his guy point of view he said--something amongst the lines of : "hmm well if she made it clear to him that she doesn't want ex's around or she is uncomfortable with that particular ex and he's still hanging around her and acting odd then something is definately up. But if they're both cool about thier ex's and she just jealous because of something they had or she's prettier then I can see why she's the way she is-- but I definately think ex's shouldn't hangout alone if one of them is in a relationship or even both--something always comes up". Well hope your delimma is fixed or at least your doing better! Keep us posted!
Author hendersongirl Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 thanks again for your advice... they dont actually hang out, just chat on msn maybe twice a week. maybe i will ask him to stop contacting her - but how would i even know if they had? she is really depressed apparently, since her father died 2 years ago. my bf says he feels guilty for 'abandoning her', and she needs a friend. i have read a couple of their conversations and usually its just banal how are you, im fine, got to get this report done, bye... but one i saw kind of bothered me - he was telling her how much his life sucks (not me, just studying etc - but i still felt awful). i dont really want them on there drowning in despair to each other... he talks to me about his 'depressing' life too, and i am usually able to cheer him up, he often says he wouldnt be able to get through the day or the essay without me and that i am so wonderful... he keeps in touch with one other ex (who he was engaged to but is now married to someone else), but only like you said a couple of times a year. i think the reason he still talks a lot to this one is because they never really 'broke up' in a spectacular way, where it was obvious it was over - he moved away and she took him to the airport then they just kept in touch (i think she still thought she was going to move over here). so i guess they just faded out as each started dating again... maybe they will lose touch too. i feel like it isnt really my place to decide who he is friends with online... like i could police it anyway!
whichwayisup Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 they dont actually hang out, just chat on msn maybe twice a week. maybe i will ask him to stop contacting her - but how would i even know if they had? she is really depressed apparently, since her father died 2 years ago. my bf says he feels guilty for 'abandoning her', and she needs a friend Ahh, the crisis..As sad as it is that she lost her father, 2 years ago - Your boyfriend shouldn't be the one consoling her, being her support system anymore. Your boyfriend still has feelings for her but that doesn't mean he is going to dump you for her. It just means he cares about her and they're friends. Now, what he CAN do is, be more honest with you. Ask him to be more open with the chat windows. If he has nothing to hide, what they talk about etc, then it shouldn't be an issue if you see. Also what you can do is, get to know her. If she is a true friend and a platonic friend, then she cares about him and only wants to see him happy. And she more than likely won't try to take him from you. To be honest, as of now, I have no idea which it is. Are they too close for comfort? Yes. It upsets you, yet he isn't doing much to change his behaviour or tell her to back off abit.
Lookingforward Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 You could always try snooping in his email - not like it would be the first time........ You have started many similar threads so obviously this IS eating you up - maybe you should step back and figure out why
saraispiel19 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 You could always try snooping in his email - not like it would be the first time........ better yet spyware....
nmail Posted July 20, 2008 Posted July 20, 2008 Yes, I personally believe that you are right. I will pray to god that you get what you want. God bless you!
saraispiel19 Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 Yes, I personally believe that you are right. I will pray to god that you get what you want. God bless you! or get what's best.. not everything you want is good for you(unfortunately).
Recommended Posts