yagottahelp Posted August 1, 2003 Posted August 1, 2003 Hi, my gf and I broke up a few months ago after being together for 2 1/2 years. She sounds basically like she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone, or do anything, or worry about calling, or letting someone know where they are-we still act like we're together minus kissing and such until I put my foot down, and when I do, she gets upset. She said she only wants to worry about herself and her mom (who's sick) and nobody else. I have been being patient to let this ride out one way or the other-i love her very much, and i know she loves me-when I ask her what she feels I get an I don't know. I visited her (she moved this summer, but we go to college together) for almost a week and it was great, super fun, really comfortable with each other, tons of laughs, not one arguement-when i bring that up, she is like well it may be different at school She's worried she has to check in with me and can't do her own thing because of me. I told her that was fine, that I didn't expect phone calls all the time, that if she wanted to do something, she had every right to, that I totally trusted her, and knew that she had a life outside of me- that I didn't want to check in, i wanted to have fun again, and go on dates to the movies and go on weekend trips- i want everything she does, but she constantly has an excuse or just shuts down, i'm the only one to ever care about her enough and always tried to piuck up the pieces in her life when something went wrong, and right now i don't understand why the one person that did what i could to make her life a little better is the one person getting crapped on. I decided a few days ago i need to basically expect the worse and move on, i know that she needs to get thigns figured out and when she does, if she wanted to be with me, my feelings would come back-i will always love her.......I told her i am taking space, and that i loved her, and wanted to be there in the tough times with her if she would let me, and that i was taking myself out of the situation. she talks about wanting to get married, and i would love that-but i think maybe we both need to see how some other people are to recognize what we have.......i'm so scared about it all, but know i can't keep being depressed over it, i'm a great guy, who loves to make people feel special, and i know someone would love that.
Tony T Posted August 1, 2003 Posted August 1, 2003 Yes, you are a great guy and that's why you deserve a lady who wants to be with you, who doesn't jerk your emotions around, who is sure of what she wants, etc. This lady clearly is wanting to hold you in reserve until something better comes along. Gimmee a break...she only wants to think about herself and her sick mother??? How much time could it take to see you once a week...to even have you over so you could help her watch her mama. She is one slick turkey. If you buy her BS, you aren't as smart as I think you are. I know you love her but that and five cents won't even pay the sales tax on a dollars worth of horse crap. She is NOT in your court, she is NOT on your team. Yes, I know you had some wonderful times during the two years you were together and you should cherish those memories. But some relationships are keepers and some aren't. If she can only be decent to you when the two of you are attending college, then if you want to stay with her you'll have to remain in college the rest of your life. I don't think so. Get out there and meet some nice ladies who you will also have lots in common with and who will want to feel special with you year 'round and not just while in school. You just don't deserve to be jerked around by this or any other woman. Take control over your life and don't let women push you around like this. If she just wants it...her and her mama...then let her be. Perhaps there's another guy in the picture, who knows and who cares. She's not even worth worrying about and certainly not worth waiting for. Why would you sit around waiting for her to come around just so you could go through this crap again.
Starlight43 Posted August 2, 2003 Posted August 2, 2003 I think you are doing the absolute right thing when you told her that you wanted space. I think that is the right thing because being a girl, i Know how they work. Right now (or whenever it was before you told her you needed space) it seemed like she was taking you for granted. I say once you give her this space I bet she'll realize how she needs to appreciate you and treat your feelings with respect.
superd Posted August 2, 2003 Posted August 2, 2003 depending on how hard it is for you to find another person, I think it would be a good idea to start exploring other options, it will feel alot better if you let her go before she lets you go. Its sounds like she has some seeds to sow and until that time who knows what will happen.
Author yagottahelp Posted August 2, 2003 Author Posted August 2, 2003 I don't want to sound cocky, but if I want someone, I could probably find them-I just never really looked since I had no desire too, didn't act like I was available. I got an IM this morning from her that was pretty long saying she understood what i felt and why and that she was sorry for me feeling that way and if I ever wanted to or when I was ready she was ready to be a better bestfriend like she should be. I know she loves me, she feels the need to spread her wings, and the people closest normally get hurt the most. I'm doing this for me and us. I want to become comfortable with other options, we are only 20, we go to college together, and I'm very very close to her and her family, something may happen once we are both ready to settle down with each other at the end of college, maybe not-but time is on my side in this one. I deserve someone that will put equal effort into it, and as much as I want to, I can't change my ex's stubborn attitude and I know that, I already know when I get to school with the gym i'm working out like I used to, I'm getting involved, I'm going to be desirable again (not that ii'm not now) when I cut myself off from her, like the post before read, she'll realize what I was, how I helped.
dayfuller Posted August 6, 2003 Posted August 6, 2003 yagotta:: I appreciated your input on my situation, so hopefully my view on things will help a little too, maybe not but here goes. I honestly do not think you need to take the approach in trying to pretend that your g/f is not worthy or that she is now unimportant to you, because for 2 and 1/2 yrs. you felt differently, and inside yourself I'm sure she does still mean a lot to you, so why act otherwise. The thing is, it really does sound like your needs are not in alignment when it comes to what each of you need from each other in order to be happy in a relationship together. I'm going through something very similar, so I can relate. My g/f is still the wonderfully precious human being she was when I met her, though because of conflicting needs w/in our relationship, it had to end. I too am having a hard time wanting my ex in my life at all, which only makes sense, we had something more special than any friendship could have given us and to downgrade to a "platonic" friendship would sort of be disappointing, like we were still unable to just act on what we really wanted, which is to have someone special in our lives that will care and be concerned about our well-being as much as we care and are concerned for theirs. If this aspect of any relationship is out of balance, trouble is sure to ensue. You are both very young and even though 2 and 1/2 years is a hefty chunk of time, you'll be okay and recover completely if it does end between you. It does take a lot of time, effort and negotiation to keep things strong and vibrant in any serious relationship and if you are Both willing to work things out eventually, hopefully the needs you have will be met as well as the needs she has. If you are more interested in how to negotiate w/in a relationship, check out : <removed> -- it's a great website w/ a ton of great advice on how to fall in love and stay in love . many blessings friend, dayfuller
Author yagottahelp Posted August 6, 2003 Author Posted August 6, 2003 Thank you- i see what you mean, I think when it comes to needs it is connected to maturity. I need more stability, she on the other hand hasn't gone through a wild faze, she wants anythin but stability. I love her very much, I am ok giving her space now, before I couldn't do it, but now, although it's taken a few months, It doesn't bother me not to talk because i know it's the only way to figure things out. I hadn't talkd to her since friday, she called this morning to say hi and wanted to know what i had been up to-so i guess it's a start She's still a wonderful girl, i'm her biggest fan, and when she's ready to have someone like that-if she ever is, i know it's me
bicyclejunk Posted August 11, 2003 Posted August 11, 2003 Same exact thing is happening to me at this very moment. Your story sounds exactly like mine! She says she needs to be on her own and do things on her own. All i can is support it. When i ask what she's gonna do she says exactly "I Don't Know"
Author yagottahelp Posted August 12, 2003 Author Posted August 12, 2003 At least I'm not theo nly one, my friends, mostly girls-all say it's obvious she loves me, I didn't call for a week, she called three times, each time wanting to know about specific things in my life or like im profile that she wasn't aware of.......she thought I was flirting with a girl and was upset by it-she is still attached....... I got the other day "i told you i didn't want to care about anyone else before because we have both been acting like we were still together but that isn't what I want so I had to do that to make us care about each other less" everyone is like why can't you two just be together??????? she's forcing herself to get away from me-i don't know if it's fear of commitment, if there's someone else back at school she might think may go somewhere but wants to try it and still ahve me to come to.......i mean in a way i donp't know waiting and being second-because we are young, and finding out about others is probably wise-just because yo're a backup at the time, doesn't mean it's over, now if we were 30 and this happened, different story-but at my age of 20 in a college setting-i can understand it at least for a while.
bicyclejunk Posted August 12, 2003 Posted August 12, 2003 Wow, this sounds so much like my problem, only mine just barely happened 4 weeks ago AND we live together. I don't know what to do. Same with me, I love her so much, would do anything for her, never had problems or fights, NOW she wants to leave to feel independent and "find herself". I do respect that, i do. I don't want her to be unhappy. I guess i'm just dumb. I thought Love was supposed to come before anything else. I've been unsure about things in my life, but i've always known the one thing that matters most to me is her. If I ask her what she's going to do when she moves out, she says she doesn't know yet. She says she knows she'll never find a guy like me ever again and that i'm sooo good for her, yet she's leaving. I can sense she's scared about everything and that she's unsure about where to go, what to do, if this is the right decision etc. I just keep telling her that i'm here for her, no matter what. I have self respect, But I still love her. She's hurting and it hurts me. Not sure what to do. I can't force her to stay.
Author yagottahelp Posted August 12, 2003 Author Posted August 12, 2003 I see what you mean, mine seems confused on life in general. She'll talk about how her life is empty now and all this stuff, it's more than just me. I"ve sdtuck by her side for 4 months now-she moved in july, so we were able to hangout for 3 of those 4. I tell her i love her very much, and if she thinks about how i've stuck by her side, that she should see how much i do love her in fact. It's like there's no reason we can't be together-why hold back something so great??????? She has talked about getting married and stuff still, which is good and bad i guess to talk about. I'm trying to be very open, she's nfot a slut or anything, nor will she just have sex with some random guy, i know this for a fact. I am letting her know i care and love her, but i'm trying to keep an open mind saying if i'm a backup for the moment-that's ok, i'd rather be the one when she finds out someone else isn't then say screw it and miss out. We go to college in a week, where "real life" is. I'll see there quickly i'm sure what her intentions are with things, she always said she woulnd't know anything until school. I just want to have fun, with her, just casually date if that's all, go places, cuddle, we don't have to be all serious talking about marriage-i just hope she comes around soon, my friends say she obviously loves me, but don't know why we aren't together-she wants to still be "best friends"- never once has she said i don't like you anymore, it's always, i don't want a relationship or something like that-i mean it's been 4 months and she ahsn't gone out with any other guys on dates-so we'll see what happens at school. In my heart I know we'll be ok, because i know in the end i won't give up on her-and i know in her head she won't ever be able to be completely in love with someone else, because a piece will be with me.
emokid Posted August 13, 2003 Posted August 13, 2003 As the days go by...You will really starting to believe in the "If it's meant to be, It's meant to be" theory. We can't change the way our ex's feel. We can only take the time to better ourselves mentally and physically. Get things done in our own lives. I Don't understand why people walk away from perfectly good relationships either, BicycleJunk or how sombody can just fall out of love with somebody But nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes. You live, You learn. Best thing we can do is Be there for them. BUT we can't sit around waiting by the phone for them to call. AND we can't do what I did. I would sit around depressed, thinking It was all my fault, thinking about her having fun with other guys and finding someone better than me. You can't do that. You'll go insane.
maui2k4 Posted August 13, 2003 Posted August 13, 2003 I am in the same boat as you all are. My ex of 1 year needs "time and space to be on her own". The worst part is dealing with that and just accepting it is time to move on. Over the last 3+ weeks I have been in touch and she does know how I feel. However she wrote me last night saying she has put up walls and needs to be on her own. Then she ended saying she will call me this week. That is like freaking torture. It puts me in a position where I am playing the waiting game wondering why she will call or what she will say. I would have rathered her say she just needed time and space to be on her own and then just leave it at that. What good does calling me do? She is not going to change in a couple of days. I will admit I have found myself sulking over her being gone and that has done me absolutely no good. I still do not understand why she said she will call "later this week". She may not have meant it to be torture to make me play the waiting game, but it is...
Author yagottahelp Posted August 13, 2003 Author Posted August 13, 2003 I was a mess the first month, but i'm at the point where I'm ok for now-we still talk, and the game end of things have ended for th most part, i'm a lot more confident of myself then even before we broke up. I know i'm good looking, funny, outgoing, and there's a whole list of stuff I want to do to better myself and do with others. I am doing it for me, but I think also my ex will be attracted by me physically of course, and being outgoing and such. I realized we are young, and I'd love to spend the erst of my life with her-but now's just not the time. I'm so glad we go to the same school though, it was a rough thing when my parents found out-but we are so close still, and if we were apart, we definately would drift.
emokid Posted August 13, 2003 Posted August 13, 2003 Sounds like They don't know what they want. MAUI you're girl sounds like my ex. She says she needs space and needs to do things on her own and be on her own and not have a boyfriend yet she kept wanting to hold my hand and cuddle and do everything but kiss or be intimate. It's sort of like, They want to be with us, But they don't. They like having us but they want to do other things, I don't get it myself, But we can't wait around. We gotta get on with our lives. I'm with You GOTTAHELP, I've just been trying to make myself better, improve myself, appearance. That's all we can do. We can't let our hearts be yanked around. But i know it's tough, because although i say all this, If my ex wanted to get back together that would be awesome, but i'd be cautious.
maui2k4 Posted August 13, 2003 Posted August 13, 2003 Should I write my ex an email about whether or not she should call me or just wait and let her call? I do not want a call to tell me she needs more time or it is not going to work or whatever... I would rather not talk to her if that is why she is going to call. I thought about writing this which I have not sent... (FYI - her email this morning said she needs to be on her own and I need to "do your own thing", but that she will call me this week... Still do not know what motivates her to want to call at all if she wants to be away so badly... "I read your email this morning and respect what you need to do. I may not like it, but I can respect it. You know how I feel about you (my email yesterday summed it up well) and I will let you make the decision as to whether or not we should talk on the phone this week. All I ask if you call is that if you call, it is because you want to talk to me... " Bad idea or good idea??? What to do... Advice? Ex girlfriends suck...
emokid Posted August 13, 2003 Posted August 13, 2003 Maui, I don't know man. I say don't write her. As much as you want to, maybe you shouldn't. In my experience i always had anxiety, wondering if i had said all the right things when we were splitting. So much hurt and anxiety that i would wanna call her up and tell how i feel every chance i got, just so i was sure that she knew. If you've told her how you feel about her, that's all you can do. I told my ex that I'm here for her, I still love her, I'm still IN love with her, I don't hate her, Told her how i felt about her and If she wanted to be with me, I'm here...but that i'm not holding my breath, waiting for her to change your mind about us. It sux i know. You may feel like she's being selfish. But I guess some girls(&Guys) get scared about what it is they really want in their life. They get indecisive. I've heard stories where girls have broken up with their guys, they had a perfect relationship, but she left him to "Find herself" and then months/years later, they ended up regretting it. So there is hope, BUT there is also hope that you can be Happy without her. I understand that more now, took me a long time to grasp the concept, but i get it now. Still, I feel more bad for Her, than i do for me. She's the one with some problems, She's the one who's confused and frustrated. I'm totally fine. Broken hearted, but fine. Give her space, maybe she'll realize that she made a mistake.
maui2k4 Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 Thanks for the advice. I did not email her last night and I did not get a phone call either. I did write her a short IM to not feel obligated to call me and only to call if she truly wants to talk to me. What does she say "I will call you...". Why??? Why does she want to call me? She has had several outs and could easily say she will not be calling. I do not like the waiting game. I would rather know she is not going to call then get the "I will call you this week" comment. All that does is make me wait and create anxiety for me that she is the cause of. I have been tempted to tell her on Instant Messenger not to call at all today. Waiting it out is very difficult and unfair. Does she not realize that is like stringing me along? I do not see a reason to talk to her, yet she knows I want to talk to her. This situation has yet to get better for me...
needsadvice Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 In my opinion: You shouldn't IM her either - it's contact, so it's the same as an email. Even if you are waiting, you shouldn't let her know that you are waiting. If she doesn't hear from you, she'll wonder what you're up to. That uncertainty may help to relight the spark. If she doesn't wonder, then she's gone anyway. If she already knows how you feel, your attempts to contact her right only weaken your position. You can't make someone love you, but you can make them respect you. At least pretend that you're moving on with your life. Maybe that respect will rekindle the attraction. You should not contact her for a couple of weeks at least. I know it's hard and I don't always follow my own advice, but I really believe it is true.
Jefferson12 Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 Looks like i'm at the right place. My girlfriend wants to leave our relationship. I always loved her 100% and took great care of her. Never had a fight never did anything but good things for her and her the same to me. I thought things were perfect, she never told me anything was wrong ever. She constantly told me she loved me, everyday. We've been together 3 years and have lived together 2 years, now she wants to leave. I'm 26 she's 23. The hardest part is that we live together. So I have to see her everyday. MAUI, i can share your pain somewhat becasue She told me a couple weeks ago that she feels she wants to be alone and wants to be on her own and be free to figure out her life and what she's gonna do with her life, yet she doesn't know exactly what she's going to do or when she's gonna move out. PLUS...I'm having trouble reading her because, she says she needs to leave yet, she still comes up to me to hug me or cuddle next to me or tries to hold my hand etc. I don't get it, if she doesn't want to be with me and wants to venture out on her own, why is she showing me affection? Is it just because she feels bad? How can she tell me, just yesterday: ''You're the best boy in the world for me"....But she's leaving anyway. So I don't know. I don't get it.
maui2k4 Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 I will admit I did have an IM written to send her but I did not send it and removed her from my buddy list to try and get that thought out of my mind. Your points are very valid and hearing the advice I tell myself come from someone else helps. I am glad I did not send the IM as it would not have likely done any good and only made me question why I sent it and "what if" had I not sent it. I know she needs to come to me and she knows how I feel so trying to influence her decision one way or the other will not make it easier for me or bring her back... She will have to come back on her own in her own time...
bicyclejunk Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 yeah, that's tough when they say they don't want you but they still hang around. Makes you angry, makes you wanna say Do you love me or Not? Make Up your Mind.
maui2k4 Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 It is not hard to let losing a girlfriend consume you. I just wish that my ex had not said she would call. It just creates unwanted anxiety for me and does not do me any good. I have not contacted her at all today and in some ways I hope she does not contact me this week. Most likely if she were to call it would be tonight, but who knows. Maybe she will try to time calling me when I am not at home. It is just not fair to string someone along - even if it is just a phone call. She should know that by promising to call it inevitably causes me to have a ray of hope which is likely not there... I would have rathered her say she was not calling... However, it would not do any good to tell her to not call or to only call if she thinks it is a good idea...
emokid Posted August 14, 2003 Posted August 14, 2003 Hey Guys, I know were all going thru the same thing and I don't claim to have all the answers but I just wanted to share my thoughts... Bottom Line, The girls we love have to be happy with their own lives in order to be happy with us. They shouldn't have to rely on us to keep them happy with their lives and we shouldn't have to bend over backwards(even though we do) to keep them happy. They truly seem lost. They don't know what it is they want in their lives and perhaps they are scared to make the wrong decisions. We're all human. I just don't think we should hate them for doing any of this. Of course we should hate them if they are doing all of this to be with another guy, but we should put ourselves in their shoes and see their frustration with being unhappy, feeling worthless because they don't feel independent or just being depressed about where their lives/careers choices are headed. Anyway, All we can do is better ourselves, take the time to take care of ourselves and our own lives. Find what it is that truly makes US happy and focus on that. We shouldn't turn our backs on the girls, We should of course be there for them 100%, I mean they've some of them have told us that they love us despite the break up, But we shouldn't allow ourselves to be strung along or allow ourselves to get depressed over all of this. Life will go on. Give it time, Give them space, Get on with our own lives, That's all we can do. Whatever happens, Happens.
Jefferson12 Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 SOunds like good advice. I guess some girls just feel restless and need change, Guys too, But women are a complicated species. I hope my girl realizes she's wrong and comes back to me, I love her so much and would do anything for her.
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