pad159 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Hi.. I am very new to this site and in fact new to the whole feeling like a total p@#$k thing. I have worked out already from reading this site and in my heart what I have done is wrong and I have taken the necessary steps to ending it, however I just wanted some advice on how people cope. My story is that I have been with my wife for 12 years and married for 6 years. We have a wonderful little boy who truly is the light in my life. My issue was that I started a friendship with a woman that very quickly grew what could only be described as an EA. I had not felt so wonderful in years and the ability to talk to someone about anything was soooo liberating. The issue came that I was around at her place for dinner with another friend and after too many drinks I passed out on the couch. Later that night she and I ended up sleeping with each other. The next morning we were so disgusted with ourselves that we had done this that we decided we could not see or talk to each other again. This has been fine and so far we have not made any contact with each other at all. my issue is that I miss her and the way she made me feel. I know that it is wrong and that I can not under any circumstances make contact, however I just have this ache in my heart. My wife and I had been having issues for a number of years, with no sex life for about 3 years and what I now see as a total lack of communication from either side. I have since the above, sat down with her and had a long chat about the way I am feeling, to which her reaction is that I obviously want a divorce (which is not true at all). I have not told her about the affair as I cannot see how hurting her achieves anything, but then I also feel that if we are to have a shot then I need to be honest about it?? I have suggested that we go and see a relationship councillor, however she does not want to do this either as she is a very private person and she sees this as some sort of betrayal to talk to someone outside the relationship. So.. to sum it up.. how best to make sure that I get rid of this pain in my heart and how best to try and communicate better with my wife or get her to counselling with me... Your assistance please....
Elyssa Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 People are going to give you all sorts of advice regarding whether you should tell her about the affair or not, however... I think it is necessary for you to tell her. Hiding something like this from your spouse is simply going to thwart any attempts at rebuilding your marriage. However, make sure you emphasize that it is the affair that made you realize what's important to you and that you want to feel these emotions with HER. You regret the affair and this is why you are coming out clean, because you want to rebuild your relationship with her. I assume this is the case?? Once you do this... it's up to her to forgive you or not, but honesty is usually a plus. If she discovers it on her own (and these things have a curious way of being uncovered eventually), your chances of saving the marriage are much smaller. Keep us updated, many people here are willing to help you through this difficult situation. -E
taylor Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Hi Pad Sorry to hear you are hurting. The pain in your heart will subside as long as you and the OW maintain total NC with each other. It is vital to your healing. The emotional attachment will take a number of months to break. You will undergo a grieving process. You will have many moments of weakness and at times the pain will be unbearable. But, like with any loss, time and distance will heal you. I would also strongly urge you to be completely honest with your wife about the OW and the affair you had with her. Your wife is entitled to the truth. It will be painful to both of you but is absolutely necessary if you want to move forward. Your marriage has been dealt a mighty blow by your actions. It will be a difficult uphill battle to recover it from the onslaught. Marriage counseling is highly effective for troubled marriages, especially those with communication issues (which most troubled marriages have). If you and your wife want to save your marriage, good effective communication is the first step. Once you admit the affair and the reality of your marriage becomes clear to your wife, she may be more inclined to go to MC with you...if she wants to work on the marriage. Many other posters here will give you tons of good advice..but advice is only good if you choose to take it. Good Luck to you.
Author pad159 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I went and had some IC and they suggested that there was no point at this time in telling my wife as it would only cause conflict and if i was serious about doing my bit to resolve the problems then more conflict was not needed. I can see where they are coming from, however it somehow does not sit right. The good news is at least i am slowly starting to not check my email and phone every 10 minutes to see if the OW has sent me a message. just find that she is like an addiction and so hard to shake.. but cold turkey has to be the way.
Darth Vader Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I went and had some IC and they suggested that there was no point at this time in telling my wife as it would only cause conflict and if i was serious about doing my bit to resolve the problems then more conflict was not needed. I can see where they are coming from, however it somehow does not sit right. The good news is at least i am slowly starting to not check my email and phone every 10 minutes to see if the OW has sent me a message. just find that she is like an addiction and so hard to shake.. but cold turkey has to be the way. Block her E-Mails.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Your wife is building a world unto herself that is slowly estranging you, strangling the marriage, and jeopardizing your future together. If she is having a problem with showing intimacy then it is likely due to some traumatic event that occurred in her youth and needs to address this problem not only for the marriage but also for herself for it only continues to get worse over time. You need to pose this request to your wife and insist that she seek counselling for it or else you may have to take her up on her offer of divorce for if you and your marriage are important to her then she will face the monster behind the door and begin the journey of healing herself to hopefully return intimacy to you again in the future. Consider your future 10 years from now having done nothing to resolve this problem today then you will likely be divorced anyway so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by acting now! Your indiscretion was the result of getting drunk with someone you had grown an emotional attachment to so you'd better recognize the weakness within yourself that allowed this to happen or you will likely end up in bed wrapped in her arms again for "those who fail to remember the past are doomed to forever repeat it". At some point in the near future I would hope that your honor will kick in and give you the courage to disclose this fling to your wife for she deserves knowing to whom she's married, as well as being empowered with the decision whether to accept and forgive or move on by her own assessment. Good luck.
Author pad159 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 thanks to you all for the advice. Whilst most of it was exactly what was going through my mind, it is always reassuring to hear it from someone else. I think that I will tell my wife about the fling, however I will wait until we have started some counselling together. This is at the advice of the person giving me the IC at the moment I have had to go away for a week on a business trip and sitting in my hotel room alone makes me realise how important it is to at least try my very hardest to make this right for my son if for nothing else. If in the end things do not improve and we did split, at least I could never say I did not give it my all Thanks again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 3 years no sex??? WTF did she expect to happen? You should have told her the whole truth and not been behinf the bush. no trickle truth no half lies, the full blown 5. who what when where and why. and occasionally how. And you tell it with forgiveness, no blame and no smugness. You need to tell your wife the truth. Why havent you had sex in 3 years? that's like depriving a thirsty man of something to drink.
Order & Chaos Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Your wife is building a world unto herself that is slowly estranging you, strangling the marriage, and jeopardizing your future together. If she is having a problem with showing intimacy then it is likely due to some traumatic event that occurred in her youth and needs to address this problem not only for the marriage but also for herself for it only continues to get worse over time. You need to pose this request to your wife and insist that she seek counselling for it or else you may have to take her up on her offer of divorce for if you and your marriage are important to her then she will face the monster behind the door and begin the journey of healing herself to hopefully return intimacy to you again in the future. Consider your future 10 years from now having done nothing to resolve this problem today then you will likely be divorced anyway so you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by acting now! Your indiscretion was the result of getting drunk with someone you had grown an emotional attachment to so you'd better recognize the weakness within yourself that allowed this to happen or you will likely end up in bed wrapped in her arms again for "those who fail to remember the past are doomed to forever repeat it". At some point in the near future I would hope that your honor will kick in and give you the courage to disclose this fling to your wife for she deserves knowing to whom she's married, as well as being empowered with the decision whether to accept and forgive or move on by her own assessment. Good luck. I would not jump to the conclusion that there is a traumatic event in his wife's childhood. Yes that can be the cause but that is not normally the case. Obviously there is a reason for it, obviously it is a major problem, and obviously it is something that needs to be looked in to . But I wouldn't jump to the idea that she is necc a victim. It can be b/c of their child and the changing role of motherhood, hormones, past emotional issues with OP, lost of attraction to OP, her own affair, etc. OP- Therapy all the way around will help you guys start communicating again and figuring out where things started to go wrong and how to fix it.
Author pad159 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 The no sex thing started as body issues and then moved onto not enjoying (great for the ego).. funny thing always was that she used to have an almost insatiable appetite and then whamo..
Author pad159 Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 the only things that i know of are that she was a twin (the other died at child birth) and her mum had major rounds of cancer when she was in her teens.. other than that reasonably good life as best as i know.
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Of course your IC told you there was no point in telling... IC's have NO INTEREST in rebuilding marriages. They're INDIVIDUAL counselors...their focus is on what's good for YOU...not what's good for the marriage. Elyssa has the right of it. The chances of SUCCESSFULLY rebuilding your marriage are tremendously reduced when you try to do it based on a lie (in this case, by omission). If you really want to give your effort to fix your marriage a chance, you need to do it starting with a foundation of truth. You'll also find that often when the truth comes out, as horrible as it is...its often a catalyst for permanent changes when nothing else seems to have worked. The advice you're getting so far is on the money. NC, and honesty with your spouse so that you can work to rebuild.
Last_Nerve Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Based on your info it sounds like you are pretty young and you should be having sex all the time. What she needs is a medical doctor to treat her for her depression and lack of interest in sex. I would give her an ultimatum either she gets help or you are out of there. There isn’t anything normal about this life and no one expects you to live like this. The affair will blow over and all she needs is some ZOLOFT to get that warm and fuzzy feeling about you and the world. If you were having sex with your wife you would quickly forget about the OW.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 So.. to sum it up.. how best to make sure that I get rid of this pain in my heart and how best to try and communicate better with my wife or get her to counselling with me... Your assistance please.... I've been there. Tell her and things will get bad... then if you work hard... good.... then 6 months later.... bad again. Listen, if your wife is holding out on you... give her that divorce. Save yourself the time
imagine Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Of course your IC told you there was no point in telling... IC's have NO INTEREST in rebuilding marriages. They're INDIVIDUAL counselors...their focus is on what's good for YOU...not what's good for the marriage. Elyssa has the right of it. The chances of SUCCESSFULLY rebuilding your marriage are tremendously reduced when you try to do it based on a lie (in this case, by omission). If you really want to give your effort to fix your marriage a chance, you need to do it starting with a foundation of truth. You'll also find that often when the truth comes out, as horrible as it is...its often a catalyst for permanent changes when nothing else seems to have worked. The advice you're getting so far is on the money. NC, and honesty with your spouse so that you can work to rebuild. Yep! I am with Elyssa and Owl on this one. No real medication equals no real cure.
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Tell her and things will get bad... then if you work hard... good.... then 6 months later.... bad again. This is totally true. I completely agree with it. You just didn't take the timetable out far enough. ...after that six months, it gets better...until a year later when the first d-day anniversary hits, and it gets bad again. Then it gets steadily better (assuming you're both still working on it, that is), with one final semi-low just before the 2nd anniversary d-day. When the second one hits, and its not nearly as bad as the first...you start to realize that you and your marriage really ARE recovering. After that, if you still work on it...it just gets better and better. Sometimes there is no recovery from infidelity. Sometimes there is. I'm four years past it now...and we're as good as ever. But the first step in ANY recovery is what? ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
Recommended Posts