ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 F**k people. I'm fed up with trying so hard to relate to people, only to have them just walk away from me. Fact is, I don't relate to most people. It takes a concerted effort for me to connect with others. I didn't have that problem with her. She actually sought my company... I'm so not used to that... I'm sick of chasing people down, trying to earn friendship, trying to entertain others so I can have that little bit of companionship I need to feel human, to help me feel appreciated, loved. With most people, I feel like I'm begging for scraps at a table. I am not a f**king dog. I'm so sick of putting on this veneer, this happy face, trying to do things the "right way" so people won't get bored with me and leave to find someone else to occupy their time. Since when did people become television sets? When did it become okay to simply write someone off simply because they don't make you laugh all the time? I'm sick of trying to get over all this bulls**t with a positive attitude. I'm just a couple hours away from giving up, heading to the liquor store, and drowning my misanthropy until tomorrow... But I won't....
tranceguy Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Your trying too hard. People sense desperation from a mile away. Just be your self and dont go out of your way so much to meet people. Take up a hobby your passionate about and before you realize it, they tend to talk to you without even an attempt. Like me, I went to a local beer place that sells imported beer, first time in, no one talked to me, fine i just drank my beer and enjoyed my self. Second time, the bartender recognized me and we chatted and that sprung into another conversation with a fellow patron. Its all about how you carry your self. Desperation = aids, get away. Think about a bum on the street, you normally avoid them at all cost. However, your more attracted to fun/care free people right? So there is your long suggestion.
kizik Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Ian, I know exactly how you feel. The greatest disservice I did to myself in my R was to try to be somebody else. In finding who I am again after the R, I notice how intolerant I am of people who are doing exactly what you seem to be doing: trying to put on a show, trying not to ruffle any feathers, trying to be pleasant and nice by agreeing and smiling and nodding and staying quiet and in the shadows. To me, there is nothing less intriguing than a nice person without an opinion. I am LOVING expressing my views freely and not caring who I offend. Not to say that I am brash and inconsiderate. Far from it. I am respectful, but I have nothing left to lose. Just look at how I am on here. Say how I feel, say what I believe, but try to do it without seriously hurting anyone's feelings. But as far as meeting people: I want to meet them more than they want to meet me. And it's making me go, "OK, that's cool. Time to enjoy myself then. Fully. REALLY love my own company." Because once you are TRULY happy with yourself, the company of others becomes less important, secondary, and that contentedness breeds confidence, and confidence enhances attractiveness. It is an organic process that begins with one's total acceptance of the solitary nature of life. We're ALWAYS alone, save for the moments and hours we're physically WITH people. So yes, f*ck it. Trying to be a people-pleaser is what screwed you in the R in the first place. Don't let it carry on into friendships, too.
ioncebelieved Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 The main thing to keep in mind next go around, at least I will, is never lose yourself in somebody else. I did this and would like a do over so speak. In a sense, I turned into somebody else too. I have learned the hard way is to be happiness in yourself. Not there yet either!!!!! Fixing your self esteem takes time after an ex has done you crappy!!
roghornio Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What if you don’t like your own company? I hate being on my own – I always have… even just sitting in a room full of strangers is better than spending time with myself. If I have nothing to do I really can’t cope with the random nonsense my mind spews out at itself.
bill1234 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What if you don’t like your own company? I hate being on my own – I always have… even just sitting in a room full of strangers is better than spending time with myself. If I have nothing to do I really can’t cope with the random nonsense my mind spews out at itself.I'm with you - exactly the same. I'm living on my own now for the first time in 10 years, and it sucks. I am always looking for activities out of the house to distract me, but they're not always possible, and even if I do them, I still have to go home eventually and listen to my brain babble away and obsess about my ex. Reading is good, but at the moment I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. Running helps as I feel OK afterwards, but if I can't run, the best thing I've found for it is talk radio, and I force myself to listen to it even if it annoys me - it's still not as annoying as my own internal monologue.
roghornio Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'm with you - exactly the same. I'm living on my own now for the first time in 10 years, and it sucks. I am always looking for activities out of the house to distract me, but they're not always possible, and even if I do them, I still have to go home eventually and listen to my brain babble away and obsess about my ex. Reading is good, but at the moment I find it difficult to concentrate on anything. Running helps as I feel OK afterwards, but if I can't run, the best thing I've found for it is talk radio, and I force myself to listen to it even if it annoys me - it's still not as annoying as my own internal monologue. Exactly the same. I can be sitting reading, watching or doing something and my mind will wonder and make some association with my ex OR with some event in the past, and before I know it I’m day dreaming some situation having a dialogue in my head of what I would say or do in that situation – I always catch myself though and stop… but it occurs tens of times of the day. I have been doing my line of work for around 12 years now and the worst but is I can do it on autopilot now – so I tend to think A LOT whilst doing this. And it sucks hard. Drinking is a good way to shut out the dialogue – but we all know that’s not a good thing.. on the flip side being out in bars with other people is a great way to keep me happy especially if there’s lots of GIRLS LOL I find it really easy to talk to people, so no issue there – it’s finding someone who meets my standards and that is pretty bloody hard. Ive started Cleaning a lot (don’t laugh) and also just going out walking – I used to run a lot but cant be bothered at the moment. They seem to clear the mind. It’s getting home to a empty house at night with nothing to do that the mind kicks in. Ive tried staying awake as long as I can so I don’t have to lie thinking (just makes me feel tired in the morning) – reading.. yeah works whilst reading but once the light is off its THINK THINK THINK.
northstar1 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Exactly the same. I can be sitting reading, watching or doing something and my mind will wonder and make some association with my ex OR with some event in the past, and before I know it I’m day dreaming some situation having a dialogue in my head of what I would say or do in that situation – I always catch myself though and stop… but it occurs tens of times of the day. I have been doing my line of work for around 12 years now and the worst but is I can do it on autopilot now – so I tend to think A LOT whilst doing this. And it sucks hard. Drinking is a good way to shut out the dialogue – but we all know that’s not a good thing.. on the flip side being out in bars with other people is a great way to keep me happy especially if there’s lots of GIRLS LOL I find it really easy to talk to people, so no issue there – it’s finding someone who meets my standards and that is pretty bloody hard. Ive started Cleaning a lot (don’t laugh) and also just going out walking – I used to run a lot but cant be bothered at the moment. They seem to clear the mind. It’s getting home to a empty house at night with nothing to do that the mind kicks in. Ive tried staying awake as long as I can so I don’t have to lie thinking (just makes me feel tired in the morning) – reading.. yeah works whilst reading but once the light is off its THINK THINK THINK. Wow, the similiarities are very close. Funny how the mind keeps wanting to go back and visit the old ex memory bank eh? esp harder when a movie or tv show comes on that you watched with the ex. that's fun. The empty house at night is hard too. If I don't have plans at night, and come home after work to my house - it can be kind of claustrophobic, if you know what I mean.
roghornio Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Wow, the similiarities are very close. Funny how the mind keeps wanting to go back and visit the old ex memory bank eh? esp harder when a movie or tv show comes on that you watched with the ex. that's fun. The empty house at night is hard too. If I don't have plans at night, and come home after work to my house - it can be kind of claustrophobic, if you know what I mean. Well I guess your mind is trying to make you feel better – it thinks you want that person who isn’t there so it does its best by reminding you off the good times to try give you the fix?! I dunno… I can’t think of any reason why your own mind would want to torture you so there must be some reason for it… The TV show/movie/song one is a killer – your mind can make really bizarre abstract connections with things as well. I cant even watch my favorite show now – she didn’t even like it but used to tease me for watching it, so now when its on instant connection – so I stopped watching it months ago – sounds ridiculous. And it is really. Theres the song – every relationship has a SONG that reminds you of it… My one, was quite an old song but it was important as it was a big part of our first date, I have only heard it 3 times in a public place – each time with her. It was almost spooky that it would come on, on those occasions. I heard it at work the other day on the radio and it didn’t really bother me – this alone is a big thing, it means I am well on the way to moving forward I think– it came on by surprise… but for months I couldn’t listen to it in my house – even though it was one of my favourite songs. The empty house is a strange one. I moved out my last flat cause of the things it reminded me off namely the ex from that time in my life – I just couldn’t face the empty rooms and coming home to all the memories of what had happened in them – so I moved. And when I did I fell in love with my new house. It’s a beaut – everyone who sees it always comments on how nice it is, and I know I have something special – for the first while it was a dream.. now I don’t even want to go home at nights. Stupid really. I know my ex is gone, I know she is with some else – its been months MONTHS and I was doing so well, and I am getting ok with things if ONLY my own mind would let it lie and let me move on… arrrrrgghhghghghghhahrhhghgh LOL
northstar1 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Well I guess your mind is trying to make you feel better – it thinks you want that person who isn’t there so it does its best by reminding you off the good times to try give you the fix?! I dunno… I can’t think of any reason why your own mind would want to torture you so there must be some reason for it… The TV show/movie/song one is a killer – your mind can make really bizarre abstract connections with things as well. I cant even watch my favorite show now – she didn’t even like it but used to tease me for watching it, so now when its on instant connection – so I stopped watching it months ago – sounds ridiculous. And it is really. The empty house is a strange one. I moved out my last flat cause of the things it reminded me off namely the ex from that time in my life – I just couldn’t face the empty rooms and coming home to all the memories of what had happened in them – so I moved. And when I did I fell in love with my new house. It’s a beaut – everyone who sees it always comments on how nice it is, and I know I have something special – for the first while it was a dream.. now I don’t even want to go home at nights. Stupid really. I know my ex is gone, I know she is with some else – its been months MONTHS and I was doing so well, and I am getting ok with things if ONLY my own mind would let it lie and let me move on… arrrrrgghhghghghghhahrhhghgh LOL I find it odd that before I was dating the ex, I'd have no problems being at home alone, doing my own thing, watching tv, gardening stuff, cooking etc. Now, being at home alone seems to make me unhappy and on edge. Very weird. Sent you a PM Roghornio.
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 F**k people. I'm fed up with trying so hard to relate to people, only to have them just walk away from me. Fact is, I don't relate to most people. It takes a concerted effort for me to connect with others. I didn't have that problem with her. She actually sought my company... I'm so not used to that... I'm sick of chasing people down, trying to earn friendship, trying to entertain others so I can have that little bit of companionship I need to feel human, to help me feel appreciated, loved. With most people, I feel like I'm begging for scraps at a table. I am not a f**king dog. I'm so sick of putting on this veneer, this happy face, trying to do things the "right way" so people won't get bored with me and leave to find someone else to occupy their time. Since when did people become television sets? When did it become okay to simply write someone off simply because they don't make you laugh all the time? I'm sick of trying to get over all this bulls**t with a positive attitude. I'm just a couple hours away from giving up, heading to the liquor store, and drowning my misanthropy until tomorrow... But I won't.... If you're not one, don't act like one. Both being too nice or being a complete arsehole, are usually manifestations of people not being themselves. Have an opinion, don't try to always be the one to smooth things out or be a total jerk about things. They all scream emotional immaturity.
stlnsmile Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Ian, I know exactly how you feel. The greatest disservice I did to myself in my R was to try to be somebody else. In finding who I am again after the R, I notice how intolerant I am of people who are doing exactly what you seem to be doing: trying to put on a show, trying not to ruffle any feathers, trying to be pleasant and nice by agreeing and smiling and nodding and staying quiet and in the shadows. To me, there is nothing less intriguing than a nice person without an opinion. I am LOVING expressing my views freely and not caring who I offend. Not to say that I am brash and inconsiderate. Far from it. I am respectful, but I have nothing left to lose. Just look at how I am on here. Say how I feel, say what I believe, but try to do it without seriously hurting anyone's feelings. But as far as meeting people: I want to meet them more than they want to meet me. And it's making me go, "OK, that's cool. Time to enjoy myself then. Fully. REALLY love my own company." Because once you are TRULY happy with yourself, the company of others becomes less important, secondary, and that contentedness breeds confidence, and confidence enhances attractiveness. It is an organic process that begins with one's total acceptance of the solitary nature of life. We're ALWAYS alone, save for the moments and hours we're physically WITH people. So yes, f*ck it. Trying to be a people-pleaser is what screwed you in the R in the first place. Don't let it carry on into friendships, too. Ian, this is so true what Kiz said, its not about impressing people or being the perfect person, its being completely content with you. I take it back to my old chinese food theory. If you find out all of your friends have plans, and you have no where to go, do you order some great chinese food and pick a good movie, and love that you have some time to yourself to watch a great flick and eat some chinese, or do you curse the Universe that your home on Friday Night? The person who is content with self, is glad to stay home and watch the great flick with great chinese food. You have to get to that place where YOUR life makes YOU happy. Where you are doing things even if solitary things that are interesting to you. It is when you are happy with your life and the people you have in it, then you will find someone who is happy in theirs too. Anything else is neeeeeeed based.....and you were not that way before I bet...(Maybe you were?) buuuttt...it is not where you want to be. Try to get happy with your chinese food Ian.......and you will be in the right place:) No fake, no false fronts, no lies, no BS, just live a life that you can be proud of. One that fullfills you. Tell me one thing you have always wanted to do and just haven't, I don't care how far fetched...what is one thing you have always dreamed of?
kizik Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If you find out all of your friends have plans, and you have no where to go, do you order some great chinese food and pick a good movie, and love that you have some time to yourself to watch a great flick and eat some chinese, or do you curse the Universe that your home on Friday Night? ...Try to get happy with your chinese food Ian Stlnsmile, I remember your "chinese food theory". It's a great analogy or example of being happy with your own time. However, I think a lot of us here are eating chinese food... EVERY NIGHT. There's a difference between enjoying your alone time the one or two nights a week when you're not busy with friends - and being alone all the time. I think for everyone, at a certain point, gets quite tired of spending ALL their time alone. I'm where Ian is at. I understand him. I call people and they're busy. My school, work and home lives are unfulfilling. Most people I talk to, I ask them about themselves - and they ask me nothing in return! That borders on rude. I feel more alone when I am surrounded by people who do not care about me. I would rather be eating chinese food any time! There's something romantic, in the Thoreau / Emerson / Longfellow sense, about being alone. I can't wait till I become a writer in a cabin in the woods - content with solidarity, hermetic, prefering to be alone.
stlnsmile Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Okay this is a weird one, but my mom started to paint the house, stripping old wall paper and painting every darn room.....I swear, when Im doing this, I think about nothing.......Im just enjoying painting......If you live in a place that you can paint.....paint the darn thing.....change your scenery....also.......the old house with no paint had memories of him, the new house with paint......seemed like a clean slate no memories, like starting new memories with my mom. If you can't paint walls paint some canvas.....I don't care......it can completely look like crud.....but it really is theraputic. It was also cool just doing this with someone, playing music etc....it really was fun. Change your enviroment......make it yours...spend some time deciding what do I like.....what have I always liked......my mom likes the beach, so she's decorating the house with a beach cottage feel.......anyway......I know.....Im talking to guys.....you could like football.....doesn't matter......just make your space your space. If you want a zen garden create one.... All I know is painting=no thinking, and you feel accomplished with out having to go anywhere.
stlnsmile Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Stlnsmile, I remember your "chinese food theory". It's a great analogy or example of being happy with your own time. However, I think a lot of us here are eating chinese food... EVERY NIGHT. There's a difference between enjoying your alone time the one or two nights a week when you're not busy with friends - and being alone all the time. I think for everyone, at a certain point, gets quite tired of spending ALL their time alone. I'm where Ian is at. I understand him. I call people and they're busy. My school, work and home lives are unfulfilling. Most people I talk to, I ask them about themselves - and they ask me nothing in return! That borders on rude. I feel more alone when I am surrounded by people who do not care about me. I would rather be eating chinese food any time! There's something romantic, in the Thoreau / Emerson / Longfellow sense, about being alone. I can't wait till I become a writer in a cabin in the woods - content with solidarity, hermetic, prefering to be alone. ahaaa...well this is where my life collage theory comes in...I know Im full of cr**......no really I did like this.....when I made this life collage....which I was forced to do in art class....it gave me such focus about who I was..and no.....I do hate being alone at times.....it sucks for sure...been there every night for 8 mo. now....except if I go out with friends or date. Eight months is a long darn time to be alone........and I probably will be alone for a long time....guys my age are not ready for anything that I am ready for. Soooo that being said.......my life collage made me focus on me and only me and how to be okay with me......and gave me a life goal list that I WANT to work on. Not a life goal list that I am forcing myself to do just to stay busy.....but a list that I really looked at, really decided I wanted for myself....soooo....I find when I am really lonely.......I just pull out life list and start making plans. It sucks to be alone all the time....no one is saying it doesn't, but I also know that I was completely happy with me and my life before he came along. I was single and didn't care at all. We just get used to someone being there and then thats hard to let go of. I don't want Ian to think that I don't feel the same things cause I dooooooooo!!!!!! Some times I just sit there and think.....this really really sucks...but honestly......I don't do it a whole lot, because I have filled my life with so many things that make ME happy.....and enough people that I actually enjoy being around and have fun with, that I don't feel very lonly. And considering that I could be singe for quite a while, I better get good and used to it:(
Author ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 If you're not one, don't act like one. Both being too nice or being a complete arsehole, are usually manifestations of people not being themselves. Have an opinion, don't try to always be the one to smooth things out or be a total jerk about things. They all scream emotional immaturity. Agreed. I've actually managed to develop a decent middle of the road persona. I don't embody any of the extremes. Most people who know me consider me well adjusted, reasonable, personable, and kind. People respect me, but I'm not the party, hang out buddy. I find that I'm not particularly memorable for most people... I'd like to change that. Reason being, I don't have an opinion to share about every little thing, and social fluff bores me to tears me most of the time. I'm congenial, but usually, I'm just not interested in the getting to know you BS. On the flipside, people will sometimes interest me so much I prefer to sit there silently and drink them in. This idea that I should always have something to add is a killer for me. Makes it difficult to get to know the people that I want to. The opinions I have are usually very strong. I've had to temper my opinions so they aren't so strong, and develop opinions about things I could care less about so that I can come across as interesting, so I can engage people. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I don't care about things I don't care about, and that includes many people. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I still value people for the simple fact that they're people. For that reason, I still find myself in situations trying to connect with others, even when I don't feel like it, because they deserve that courtesy as much as anyone else. It's pretty conflicting. This is the kicker, though, and many of you have touched on it. I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself (working on that) so when I'm being myself, I tend to self sabotage to a fault, which drives people off as effectively as a false face will. I subconsciously push people away. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. The solution, of course, is to work on having a high opinion of myself, and a high opinion of what I choose to do with my time, but that's easier said than done. I'm certain that if I were to overflow with positive feelings about myself, that would spill over into the way I treat other people, too. If I know that I'm wonderful and interesting, and beautiful, naturally I'd be interested in others because I would know that they have the same genius in them, manifested in different ways. It would make me curious about them, and that, really, is the foundation of good interpersonal skill, right?
Peter_pan Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 us lot have our ex's on our minds alot/ are we the dumped ones then? do the dumpers think of us? id like to ****ing hope so
Author ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Try to get happy with your chinese food Ian.......and you will be in the right place:) No fake, no false fronts, no lies, no BS, just live a life that you can be proud of. One that fullfills you. Tell me one thing you have always wanted to do and just haven't, I don't care how far fetched...what is one thing you have always dreamed of? I'll bite I don't know that I've ever really dreamed of doing anything in particular. In fact, that's one of the challenges I've faced. If I had a passion, you better believe I'd follow it to the end of the world, doggedly, but I haven't been blessed with such a passion. BUT, Recently, I developed this urge to go out to the sand dunes for a week by myself and go camping. Not quite a survival man kinda thing, but just me, the world, my journal, and God. No distractions, no people, just solitude. I have a lot of spare time, but I tend to fill it with movies, the internet, people, whatever. It's really difficult to just be alone. But that is something I want to do.
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 ianandris, I'm no expert on interpersonal skills but of what I've noticed, if you like the people you're with and are relaxed, they'll know it, feel it and reciprocate.
Author ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Ian, I know exactly how you feel. The greatest disservice I did to myself in my R was to try to be somebody else. In finding who I am again after the R, I notice how intolerant I am of people who are doing exactly what you seem to be doing: trying to put on a show, trying not to ruffle any feathers, trying to be pleasant and nice by agreeing and smiling and nodding and staying quiet and in the shadows. To me, there is nothing less intriguing than a nice person without an opinion. I am LOVING expressing my views freely and not caring who I offend. Not to say that I am brash and inconsiderate. Far from it. I am respectful, but I have nothing left to lose. Just look at how I am on here. Say how I feel, say what I believe, but try to do it without seriously hurting anyone's feelings. But as far as meeting people: I want to meet them more than they want to meet me. And it's making me go, "OK, that's cool. Time to enjoy myself then. Fully. REALLY love my own company." Because once you are TRULY happy with yourself, the company of others becomes less important, secondary, and that contentedness breeds confidence, and confidence enhances attractiveness. It is an organic process that begins with one's total acceptance of the solitary nature of life. We're ALWAYS alone, save for the moments and hours we're physically WITH people. So yes, f*ck it. Trying to be a people-pleaser is what screwed you in the R in the first place. Don't let it carry on into friendships, too. Amen, bro. Same place, no question about it. That, in fact, is one of the main reasons why I want to head out into the sand dunes alone. It's easy to introduce substitutes for company into our lives, which is what I've done often with electronic media, in between the times I spend with other people. Even though I've spent a lot of time by myself, very little of that time has been in solitude. I figure, the sand dunes, alone, for a week will give me the time and experience I need to embrace the idea of solitude.
Author ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 ianandris, I'm no expert on interpersonal skills but of what I've noticed, if you like the people you're with and are relaxed, they'll know it, feel it and reciprocate. lol! Occam's razor, huh? You're spot on. I just have a hard time relaxing because I'm always monitoring the things I do to make sure that I'm not making a mess of the social situations I'm in. But, when I do relax, things always turn out just right. You nailed it.
stlnsmile Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 ahaaa...well this is where my life collage theory comes in...I know Im full of cr**......no really I did like this.....when I made this life collage....which I was forced to do in art class....it gave me such focus about who I was..and no.....I do hate being alone at times.....it sucks for sure...been there every night for 8 mo. now....except if I go out with friends or date. Eight months is a long darn time to be alone........and I probably will be alone for a long time....guys my age are not ready for anything that I am ready for. Soooo that being said.......my life collage made me focus on me and only me and how to be okay with me......and gave me a life goal list that I WANT to work on. Not a life goal list that I am forcing myself to do just to stay busy.....but a list that I really looked at, really decided I wanted for myself....soooo....I find when I am really lonely.......I just pull out life list and start making plans. It sucks to be alone all the time....no one is saying it doesn't, but I also know that I was completely happy with me and my life before he came along. I was single and didn't care at all. We just get used to someone being there and then thats hard to let go of. I don't want Ian to think that I don't feel the same things cause I dooooooooo!!!!!! Some times I just sit there and think.....this really really sucks...but honestly......I don't do it a whole lot, because I have filled my life with so many things that make ME happy.....and enough people that I actually enjoy being around and have fun with, that I don't feel very lonly. And considering that I could be singe for quite a while, I better get good and used to it:( Now see, Ian was on my short list of "Who would you"....we share the same faith issues I believe:)
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 lol! Occam's razor, huh? You're spot on. I just have a hard time relaxing because I'm always monitoring the things I do to make sure that I'm not making a mess of the social situations I'm in. But, when I do relax, things always turn out just right. You nailed it. You got it! Down to the simplest solution. Just relax and enjoy!
stlnsmile Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Agreed. I've actually managed to develop a decent middle of the road persona. I don't embody any of the extremes. Most people who know me consider me well adjusted, reasonable, personable, and kind. People respect me, but I'm not the party, hang out buddy. I find that I'm not particularly memorable for most people... I'd like to change that. Reason being, I don't have an opinion to share about every little thing, and social fluff bores me to tears me most of the time. I'm congenial, but usually, I'm just not interested in the getting to know you BS. On the flipside, people will sometimes interest me so much I prefer to sit there silently and drink them in. This idea that I should always have something to add is a killer for me. Makes it difficult to get to know the people that I want to. The opinions I have are usually very strong. I've had to temper my opinions so they aren't so strong, and develop opinions about things I could care less about so that I can come across as interesting, so I can engage people. I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I don't care about things I don't care about, and that includes many people. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I still value people for the simple fact that they're people. For that reason, I still find myself in situations trying to connect with others, even when I don't feel like it, because they deserve that courtesy as much as anyone else. It's pretty conflicting. This is the kicker, though, and many of you have touched on it. I don't have a particularly high opinion of myself (working on that) so when I'm being myself, I tend to self sabotage to a fault, which drives people off as effectively as a false face will. I subconsciously push people away. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. The solution, of course, is to work on having a high opinion of myself, and a high opinion of what I choose to do with my time, but that's easier said than done. I'm certain that if I were to overflow with positive feelings about myself, that would spill over into the way I treat other people, too. If I know that I'm wonderful and interesting, and beautiful, naturally I'd be interested in others because I would know that they have the same genius in them, manifested in different ways. It would make me curious about them, and that, really, is the foundation of good interpersonal skill, right? You sound exactly like me:) And don't get too high of an opinion of yourself Ian, humble is good. Cocky is not, I think just a good feeling about yourself....but not cocky.
Peter_pan Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 and in relation to this topic, i would say yeah the best thing is to enjoy being on your own (easier said than done). i would say do something on your own that will make you proud after. an example of this would be paint and decorate a room? this is what i have recently done and its real good fun and takes your mind off things that thing about the chinese is good, sorry my post was off topic and brief above.
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