renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Most boards I read, people always advise against being friends with an ex. Sometimes, even though we still love the ex, we can learn to be friends with them and then work on things from there. It should not be an all or nothing thing. Having the ex leave your life can be more painful than having him/her around. Thoughts?
kizik Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Whenever two people break up and try to remain friends, there is always one person (usually the guy) who is heartbroken by the friendship, wants more but will never get it. He sticks around in false hopes of a second chance. Maybe you two can be friends in a few years. YEARS. Once you've both got new partners and ALL the feelings have died down. Don't try it now b/c someone will be hurting REAL BAD when they don't have to be.
Wonderlandless Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Depends on how much they meant to you. Many of my previous exes were casual flings and I still am friendly towards them. My most recent, well, he was the closest I ever came to loving someone and just the thought of being near him without touching him or being close is more than I can handle. Worse, if I were to see it with another girl and I am sure it will always be this way. I just it depends on how much of an effect they had on you, really.
motive2002 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Nothing wrong I suppose with "friends with the ex", just not if the romantic feelings are still there and things are still raw. For a lot of us, it takes time to get over these feelings, and trying to remain friends with the ex can be an emotional disaster.
Wonderlandless Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 there is always one person (usually the guy) who is heartbroken by the friendship, wants more but will never get it. He sticks around in false hopes of a second chance. Seriously? I always thought the girl usually pulls this move and the guy is just wanting to move on to the next girl. 1
D-Lish Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I remained close friends and in close contact with my now ex husband for a good 2 years following our break up.... So much so that we leaned on one another through our own break up... I didn't even begin to heal and move on until we cut ties. We continued to talk to each other 2-3 times a day during this time. It was detrimentol to both our healing process- and an obstacle to his new relationship. I don't advise trying to remain friends with someone when there is still heartbreak present..all it does is exacerbate and prolong the pain.
Lyssa Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have nothing against being friends with ex-es. I think it's possible when both have really gotten over each other.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Thanks for all your comments. True, it is very hard to be friends with an ex, esp when there are feelings still there. And the ex would have to be a really understanding person to be able to deal with the dumpee still having feelings and the friendship. It's also been my take, with my own relationships, that I (the girl) is always the one trying to stay friends with the ex. I also have seen that with some of my female college friends from back when. D-Lish, what finally got you and your ex-husband to finally break the ties? Had it gotten too emotionally painful for you to deal with? Sometimes feelings just never go away. And if you wait years till feelings somewhat simmer down and you find a new partner, usually the new partner is not really happy if you want to be friends with the ex. A conundrum. Maybe I am an emotional maschochist where sometimes I would rather deal with the day to day emotional pain, just as long as the ex would stay in my life. I deal with this with my first ex. He's in my life as my best friend. My feelings for him have died out in one sense, but I know I still love him deep inside.
D-Lish Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 D-Lish, what finally got you and your ex-husband to finally break the ties? Had it gotten too emotionally painful for you to deal with? We just had to... He was in a new relationship with a woman he got pregnant during a fling... and both of us realized we needed to cut ties and focus on our own happiness. The day we cut ties was the day I began to heal. It's been some time now- and I am completely over the relationship itself.... But I still have issues with trust and opening up to new people. I no longer try and remain friends with ex's after a fresh break up- I learned my lesson.
Luz Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I used to oppose this friendship with Ex very strongly . Suddenly this month , I found myself completely at peace with my Ex with whom I broke up a year ago . I have no romantical feelings for him nor any hurts , resentments . We are both out there searching but currently not involved with anyone . We went to lunch then a long walk sharing our current dating experiences with laughters . At night , we had another healing conversation , thanking each other for the 3 years together . I'm not planning to keep a close contact but certainly would catch up with now and then as long as we are not involved seriously with anyone . I think it depends on the age group , the way or the reasons why 2 people decided to end their romantic relationship , enough time must pass to achieve this kind of friendship.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 We just had to... He was in a new relationship with a woman he got pregnant during a fling... and both of us realized we needed to cut ties and focus on our own happiness. The day we cut ties was the day I began to heal. It's been some time now- and I am completely over the relationship itself.... But I still have issues with trust and opening up to new people. I no longer try and remain friends with ex's after a fresh break up- I learned my lesson. So I guess one truly HAS to break the ties in order to heal. Did it hurt a lot when you guys broke the ties, in the beginning? With one particular ex, I found that even when the ties were broken, it killed me emotionally for a long time and I felt very empty and alone. I reestablished a friendship with him a few months later and that helped me feel better. Now the friendship is over again, due to stupidity on my part, and it hurts like hell.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I used to oppose this friendship with Ex very strongly . Suddenly this month , I found myself completely at peace with my Ex with whom I broke up a year ago . I have no romantical feelings for him nor any hurts , resentments . We are both out there searching but currently not involved with anyone . We went to lunch then a long walk sharing our current dating experiences with laughters . At night , we had another healing conversation , thanking each other for the 3 years together . I'm not planning to keep a close contact but certainly would catch up with now and then as long as we are not involved seriously with anyone . I think it depends on the age group , the way or the reasons why 2 people decided to end their romantic relationship , enough time must pass to achieve this kind of friendship. Luz, how long did it take for you to get to this point to be able to have this type of friendship? Is it you who doesn;t want to keep close contact, or is it he? Some ex's I really want to keep as close friends, someone to chat with, hang out, and do stuff with, like you do with normal friends.
justaman99 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I've never argued that one can't be friends with an ex. I just think it can only be done in time. I have 2 friends that are exs and now my most recent ex is slowly moving into that domain. (not sure how to look at that one yet, it's too soon.) but both other friends are just that but after years of being apart. I don't think after a breakup either person can just change gears into a real friendship. It isn't possible or VERY unlikely to work. One will want more if it's too soon after the break up. Think about it like this. A break up happens, Eve says to Adam lets be friends and gimme back my leaf. Eve then asks Adam out to dinner and says she's bringing Dave. You think Adam would be ok with that? Doubtful but a friend wouldn't have a problem with it. -Just
D-Lish Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I just happen to believe that people need to take space from one another after a break up. It hurt a lot to do so, but it was the healthiest choice for both of us. There is nothing wrong with revisiting the possibility of a friendship once the pain of breaking has been dealt with. Sometimes those friendships can work, and sometimes they can't. I just don't see the value in keeping people in your life when it causes you pain. Yes, taking space will hurt.. but imagine trying to keep a friendship going when you still love someone and then they meet someone else- it's inevitable that such a thing will happen. If you and your other ex tried to have a friendship after a period of being broken up- perhaps it didn't work out because neither of you were ready to take that step.
Nemo Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 My feelings for him have died out in one sense, but I know I still love him deep inside. I understand. That's the "benefits" part.
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