LikeCharlotte Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I've decided that it is a good idea to post what we have all learned about ourselves through all of this. I'm going to think on it and make a list. What have you learned about yourself while going through grieving and loss? Or What did you learn about how you felt while you were grieving after you were healed?
kizik Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Still learning, but primarily: I am a huge gaping pussy. I am a nice guy to a fault, who doesn't wanna be a nice guy anymore. I take verbal abuse better than anyone I know. I don't stand up for myself. I'm happy if she's happy! * I can survive a pain I never thought possible. I can resist contacting the person who I want to contact most. I will not apologize for things I'm not sorry for. There is no such thing as a sure thing. I am not special, nor was my R.
Wonderlandless Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I learned I can talk myself out of drunken texting. :]
replicator Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I am too eager to please others because I don't value myself enough. I depended on her to make me feel good about myself. I craved her approval so much that I was willing to try to change myself into someone else. I'm stronger than I know, but weaker than I want to be. I have responsibility in the failure of my R. I depended on her too much, as I gave all control to her. I wanted to avoid conflict, and make her happy, more than anything else. I am able to give real love. I deserve someone who will be able to give me the same in return.
renaissancewoman101 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I've learned that I am too emotional. And that I can't keep someone in my life, for as hard as I try. that I have a hard time letting go. and that I have severe abandonment issues, where when people leave me, I feel like my life is crashing around me.
Luz Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Time will heal everything eventually at least . There are lessons to be learned in every relationship , particularly when they didn't work out . Taking time between relationships to gain perspectives , improve myself . I'm weaker than I appeared and wanted to . I'm still having a tough time with " letting go ".
ianandris Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Hmm. I learned to trust my instincts. I learned what love is, and what it isn't. I learned not to confuse love with the feeling of contentment that comes with having my need for companionship satisfied. Patience. Girls who are mid-divorce are NOT on the market. I'm done being a rebound. I'm done being used without reciprocation (I'm as deserving of companionship and affection as anyone else.) I learned to let go of the illusion of control. I learned that I'm already complete, noone will ever complete me. I also learned not to trust people when they say that they have my best interests in mind. That's a hurtful, selfish lie. Everyone I've ever known is self-interested, and they are only interested in others to the extent that the interest satisfies a need to feel like they're doing something worthwhile (that's not to say that they don't do good, but are they sincerely selfless? In my experience, not so much). F**k lonliness, too. F**k trying and having your efforts treated with contempt. F**k it.
justaman99 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I was a runner. When things got tough I would say well see ya. I used to try and look at why. In most cases it was because she just wouldn't stop diggin' into me. When I would agree with her on a problem she was having she would still dig into me. I had no choice but to go back to my own place. I should have stuck with it and let her get through her emotions and then tell her how I felt when she was calm. I give WAY too much and forget about what I need. I make mistakes and realize that I make them now and wholeheartedly want to improve in areas of myself that I am weak in or don't know too well. I think more with emotion than with my mind sometimes but I'm not going to attempt to change that. It is who I am. I don't want to become jaded or hardened. I am capable of loving one person in this world the rest of my life. I have no doubt in this fact. Life is short. Don't take ****. Speak up for yourself but do it calmly. Don't attack and yell. Nothing gets accomplished that way. I need to be a better communicator and not react by shutting down. I am to blame as well for the failure in a relationship but realize sometimes it's really not a failure of either person. They just don't match well, although I'll try and keep it going anyway hoping something will be different without doing anything about it. ugh good one Just. Work on that one buddy. I love and appreciate those close to me more now than ever before and I will be sure to appreciate what I have in a future relationship as long as MY needs are met as well. In the past I would be somewhat of a doormat. That's not healthy for me or a relationship. You can't change somebody and make them who they aren't. If something about them is a big problem in the relationship either you talk about it and work through it, accept it, or you move on. Period. Don't waste time hoping something will be different. That person has to make efforts on their own initiative. I fall in love easily and care for someone thoroughly with support and attention, affection and listening. I again forget about my needs and put in way too much. I need the same as what I give. Anger, hate and blame gets you no where even with someone who dumped you or treated you poorly. I despise harboring negative energy towards anyone. It's not healthy and clouds my mind. It takes time but eventually I feel that I can be a very forgiving person. That's just a few things I've realized over the months and the years even. I'm sure there's more. Life is continually teaching me. -Just
kyta Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Ive learned Im me, im a nice person, im loving, im special, im worth more than i had, im not a doormat, im not a taxi, im not a bank, im an emotional person who can love and feel pain, im learning who i am again as i have lost myself, ive learned the relationship was not what i thought it was, ive learned i dont need a gf in my life to be happy, ive learned nc is the best thing in the world, ive learned that i can get through the worst pain in life and i wont die of it, ive learned that life throws things at us and we should not fear it but face it head on, i ve learned that pain is for a reason and not to be put away but to be felt and experienced, im lerning to live again and life is an opertunity to grow and be who i want to be, not what i think is expected of me, that liveing is learning and ppl are diffrent and change ive learned that forgiving is being a nice person and not to hold on to bitterness, iv learned that i will learn for the rest of my life and not fear it, that vunerability is something that i must accept in life but must think more when i am there. ive learned that i think therfore i am.
Lyssa Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 The loss of my mother has helped me become stronger. It brought my family and I closer more than ever. I've learned that there is a lot of my mother in me. I've become more patient, I am a pretty good cook and the most important thing that I've learned is not to take my loved ones for granted. I've learned that I should not rush myself grieving over my loss - it's okay to take one day at a time.
foxh1234 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have learned that I am stronger than I thought. I am a good person I am capable of deep love I need to communicate better I learned that actions are more important than words I learned how much my heart can take I can be happy by myself She is not the best woman for me People change and not always for the best Time never stops, live everyday as if it's your last I learned just how much I mean to my family and friends I learned that I can forgive without forgetting I learned that complete strangers on the internet can become lifesavers
v33 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have learned that there is a difference between wanting a person and needing a person. I have learned that beauty is only skin deep. I have learned that you shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve. I have learned to love myself and be happy with my life and who I am without needing validation from another person. I have learned that you can fall in love with a person when you least expect it. I have learned that life goes on. I have learned that I am not alone and pain and heartbreak affects people from all places all backgrounds and all walks of life. I have learned that if you keep on doing what you've been doing, you will keep on getting what you've been getting. I have learned that each day is an incredible gift with infinite possibilities. And I am still learning.
foxh1234 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have learned that there is a difference between wanting a person and needing a person. I have learned that beauty is only skin deep. I have learned that you shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve. I have learned to love myself and be happy with my life and who I am without needing validation from another person. I have learned that you can fall in love with a person when you least expect it. I have learned that life goes on. I have learned that I am not alone and pain and heartbreak affects people from all places all backgrounds and all walks of life. I have learned that if you keep on doing what you've been doing, you will keep on getting what you've been getting. I have learned that each day is an incredible gift with infinite possibilities. And I am still learning. Well said V, I have learned all of these things also. I guess something good can come out of this break up mess.
roghornio Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Not to take things for granted. Communicate more. I’m the only person looking out for me. Life goes on whether you want it to. Only worry about things I can change. My life is pretty dull without a SO – this need to change asap. People are in worse off positions than me. I have it pretty good compared to most. People are not always what they appear to be. Pay more attention in future relationships for warning signs and act on them before it’s too late. Life is good but living mostly sucks
ioncebelieved Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I could repeat what a lot have said. The main things: I am very strong I finally found out what true love is and how to treat the object of my affection. Patience Learned not to take anymore crap from anyone!!!!! But mostly from those whom I love. I am really a good person.
carrot10 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I learned (still learning) that I have huge abandonment issues. I am working on them finally. That is ok to be by myself. That I don't need someone to take care of me That I can stick up for myself That there are many, many more fish in the sea:)
critter909 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I have learned: I have to be strong. I can change. Love is worth it, even with the pain.
tealeafbud Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I've learned that I am a strong person. I've learned that I am more capable than I think. I've learned that I am willing to take drastic measures. I've learned that I did not know what I wanted previously. I've learned that I need to know what I want for future relationships. I've learned that I am looking for certain qualities in a mate, just like I'm looking for certain things in life. I've learned that my family is one of the most important things in my life. I've learned that peace of mind is also very important.
Biker2007 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 - Ive learned I should pay attention to red flags more and hot legs less (but not much) - Ive learned I need to take things less seriously - Ive learned I need to relax and be myself - Ive learned selfish people suck - Ive learned my happiness is my responsibity - Ive learned to speak my mind and shelve the passive aggressive BS
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I've learned that I can get over anything and anyone, fairly quickly. All it takes is some willpower, a good, solid support network of family/friends/LS and counselling if needed. Sure you bear some scars but even those go away over time, if you're willing to work on them.
Biker2007 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 forgot these: - Ive learned the only person at my pity party (since the break-up) is...Me! - Ive learned actions say so much more than words - Ive learned who my friends are as I struggle past this little road bump in life
sacg Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 seems most people here have been GOOD partners and have been wronged. Maybe thats why you guys find it easier. Ive learnt Im a complete ******* who ignored the obvious and takes things for granted. realising that too late is just devastating. Im in pieces, and finding it really hard to let go
Author LikeCharlotte Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 I've given this thought and I've written what amounts to a pamphlet. However right now I'm not posting the dissertation on Charlotte's introspection. I am going to tell you what I think is the only thing I've really learned and maybe post the rest a bit later. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. I can love. If you knew how hard it was for me to get to this point you would know how happy I am to know that I can love. I am not permanently damaged. I am not at fault. It's ok. I'm ok. :bunny::bunny:
kizik Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Wow LC, I am very happy for you regarding your breakthrough. You are awesome, my friend. You bring so much to life! kiz
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