beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Before I begin, I know that posting my story means enabling me to be judged. However, I already have to face reality, which is: How did I end up on here? Well, I am desperately seeking an answer to what has happened. First, a little about me. I am separated and I am now going to start the process of getting a divorce, following my separation in Oct. '06'. My ex (husband) was a liar and cheater, and I left him when I realized he needed Jesus. However, because he caused the break up, I came to the conclusion that he was going to have to pay for the divorce. Anyway, I literally cut off all contact until recently, because I know that unless I pay for half or all of it (the divorce) it just won't happen. Anyway, when I first separated, I neither dated, nor slept with anyone for the first year of my separation. Then, I happened to meet a wonderful man, which changed everything. I explained my situation to him, and he told me he was separated as well. His wife was living in another state while he was looking after her two kids, his child, and his three step grand children that belong to his two step kids. I hope you can keep up! He told me, his wife was married to someone else when they met, and that he didn’t know that she had his child until after the child was born (who has the name of his wife’s first husband). He also told me that his wife told him that she never really loved him, which hurt him a lot, and which also contributed to their separation 3 months prior to meeting me. He told me what he had endured in their relationship, and assured me it was definitely over. I then asked him when he last slept with his wife in order to understand what type of separation they had. He told me it was three weeks prior to meeting me, which I thought was pretty recent at the time. However, he also explained that they understood it was just sex. But I looked at the fact that he was being honest. We talked a lot, and spent a lot of time together. We also had a very strong connection from the beginning. He then told his wife about me, and she came back to town immediately to get him back. She got my number from his phone and called me to tell me she was about two months pregnant, which was nearly three months into our relationship. At that point we nearly broke up, but then decided to stay together because, he said no matter what he wasn’t going back. He also told me she had health problems and that there was a slim chance she would be able to have the baby. As I'm writing this, I'm kicking myself! But I looked at the fact that he was being honest (which his wife confirmed when she called me). Then the drama started. Without going into too much detail, she hounded him on the phone, and was very dependent upon him. I endured a lot in terms of her not letting him go, and although he would let her know that he was moving on, she constantly kept on trying to find ways to keep him around which was frustrating, because I felt she was manipulating my BF, and made him feel as though he was abandoning her instead of moving on. My BF and I got into a lot of arguments, because I felt he needed to define his relationship with her. To try and cut the long story short, my BF and I moved to another state to start a new life (which included both of us getting a divorce), but he would plan to regularly visit his son. Anyway, about two weeks later, my BF's wife moved to the same state, which caused us to argue. My BF's child was also having a hard time dealing with the break-up, and so his wife called him complaining about the fact that his son isn't handling the situation well which annoyed me, because my BF loves his son to bits, and I know she was just making him feel guilty. So, while she was on the phone, I told him he needed to be talking to his child (who is a teen) not her, and I guess she got mad, and called my phone and cursed me out. But I must say, all the other times she used to call I would say nothing - I just got fed up. A couple of days later due to a loss in her family, he told me he had to go to visit her to offer his support, and said that "she would do the same for him," even though I felt that since they were separated he should have waited for the official gathering. But he said it was also because of his child. I disagreed, because I felt that his actions would send mixed messages to her, although I knew that his child would appreciate the visit. So I got over it, and made sure he had gas to go and visit them. Then a couple of days later, he told me he was going out of town for the funeral, but was going to spend the night there, because of the wake the night before. He told me that he would keep in touch with me, which he did to start off with, but then I heard nothing for hours. When I finally called him, he missed my first couple of calls, and then called me back to tell me, he was busy picking up some food for his wife's mother. I was furious, and here's why. His trip, which he didn't want me to come along for, cost me $300.00. He has been out of work for months, and I have been carrying the both of us. This is why he was able to drive to see his son/wife and get to the funeral. This is why he has been able to have a phone that she always calls him on. Even though, I did these things out of love, and yes, I do love him, I'm not one to take for granted. Anyway, I expressed my feelings about it, and he basically put the phone down on me. I understood that the timing was bad, but I felt completely unimportant, considering I had been there for him in the toughest of situations. It may sound petty, and I may sound insensitive, and yes he told me he was separated, but he didn't say he was in the process of separating which seems to be the case. Well, I guess he had enough of me not being more accepting of his situation, but before he left to go to the funeral, we agreed that he would seriously start working the divorce a few weeks after the funeral. The only thing is, after I got upset with him (which included me saying basically I had had enough which he knew I only said because I was upset), he didn't call or come home the next day. He called a day later to say he couldn't deal with it, (I'm assuming he meant his wife and me), and that he just wasn't coming back. I was extremely hurt, because we talked about his marriage/wife and he was certain about us, and the fact that he loved me. We planned that when everything was sorted out, we would get married and start a family. He text me to say, why did I (whatever that meant), and that he truly forgives me (not sure what he's talking about). He started to call me, but I have been ignoring his calls until today. At first, he told me to trash his things, although he called me today to find out if I still have his things. He also tried to find out if I had left our apartment/state, and said that he will never forget this for as long as he lives. I started to explain to him why I was upset and said the things I said, but he quickly told me he couldn’t talk, because he was at work (at work!!! After being jobless for months.) He told me he would call me back, but he never did. Sorry, but I tried to keep it short, but what happened?????
Lyssa Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 She lost a family member, she's going through a tough time - he feels that he should be there for her, after all - they are still legally married to one another. Not fair to you, after all you have done for him but they've been together much longer and gone through a lot more so it's easier for him to stay put with her. It's not easy to let go but I think you should, it does not look as if he knows what he wants.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So your ex needed to find Jesus, huh? A bf without a divorce is cheating. WWJD? Now you are upset that you set up a household when neither of your were divorced and he bailed. At what point did you realize that this may not be a good idea? He used you to get what he needed. And he is probably using his w for what you don't do. Move on, he isn't worth it. And maybe you should think about getting a divorce before you jump into anything else.
Lookingforward Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So your ex needed to find Jesus, huh? A bf without a divorce is cheating. WWJD? Now you are upset that you set up a household when neither of your were divorced and he bailed. At what point did you realize that this may not be a good idea? He used you to get what he needed. And he is probably using his w for what you don't do. Move on, he isn't worth it. And maybe you should think about getting a divorce before you jump into anything else. get a divorce ??
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Thank you for your advice. This is the first time in such a situation, and it WILL be the last. I feel as though he led me to the desert and left. I do take responsibility, and I do believe your right. He doesn't know what he wants, but I think his loyalty is with her. I just can't believe how it's ended - so suddenly. Thanks again
Lyssa Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Thank you for your advice. This is the first time in such a situation, and it WILL be the last. I feel as though he led me to the desert and left. I do take responsibility, and I do believe your right. He doesn't know what he wants, but I think his loyalty is with her. I just can't believe how it's ended - so suddenly. Thanks again I feel it's better that it happened now then much later on. [[[beautifullove]]]
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Well, things moved pretty fast, and we've done so much in a relatively short space of time. I was just hoping he would call me back today like he said he would, so that I could say what I should have said in the beginning 'Show me the papers,' bacause my ex has already agreed to getting a divorce.
D-Lish Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Sounds like there is a whole lot going on here that is having a negative affect on your relationship. I wouldn't write this off just yet hun. Firstly- all seperations and divorces do carry baggage. It's one thing to have an ex wife... it's quite another to have kids that a divorced dad has to consider. As long as they have kids together- they will porbably maintain some semblence of contact- as it's important to continue with co-parenting and participation following a seperation. I think he had the honest intent to just be a support presence when he said he needed to go to the funeral to be a support system. I think he might have felt compelled to be a father figure during that time because he wanted to make sure the kids were going to be okay. I would have a hard time with that myself if I were you- especially because the two of you are becoming a family now. Having an ex wife that still sticks her nose in his business would be a royal pain in the but. But I think his major concern is most likely about his kids. So, I am on your side here in understanding this bugs you, as I know it would me. But I think that is one of those situations that is just awkward to deal with- but probably necessary for him to involve himself in. As the kids get older- there will be less need for her to intrude on your lives. I think he'll come back- this is probably just a rough patch that he is having problems dealing with appropriately. It's quite reasonable to think he just needs space before realizing he really needs to come back and talk things out with you. I imagine it's confusing to try and manage his new love with you and making sure his kids still feel like they are a major part of his life and always will be. You're a pretty cool lady for paying for his ticket! That in itself shows you trust him despite being hurt about his choice.
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Great advice. I know I'm not completely innocent (being that i'm not yet divorced), but my intentions were pure. We had a very strong connection, on all levels. I wanted to show him my support, but I felt like he was playing "happy families even though it was a funeral," - especially when he actually pursued me to begin with. I was apprehensive about his separation, but he assured me it was over, and that he was sure. I half want him to call me, and say he made a mistake, he's sorry, he loves me, even though the way he did this dissapearing act requires NC, but the truth is I love him. I know I can't be with him now, and I think he's dead serious about not trying to come back because he's got a job now. I don't know - I'm confused.
OWoman Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 BL your tale seems riven with a resistance to accepting responsibility on all sides. None of you seem to be able to own your own actions, choices or decisions. You all seem to see yourselves as victims set upon by others or by circumstance. The whole tale is one of "being done to", rather than of doing. First, a little about me. I am separated and I am now going to start the process of getting a divorce, following my separation in Oct. '06'. My ex (husband) was a liar and cheater, and I left him when I realized he needed Jesus. However, because he caused the break up, YOU left, but HE caused the break up? Nope, you broke up through your own choice. Not saying that's bad, but he didn't hold a gun to your head and tell you to leave. You chose to leave. Your choice, so you can't lay the blame for that at his door. Own your own actions, take responsibility for your own decisions, or you will continue to wander around in your own life and wonder, "what happened?" I came to the conclusion that he was going to have to pay for the divorce. Anyway, I literally cut off all contact until recently, because I know that unless I pay for half or all of it (the divorce) it just won't happen. You left. You were the one who wanted the D. How can you expect him to pay for it - your share as well as his? When you go to a coffee shop, do you expect the guy at the next table to pay for your coffee, too? I explained my situation to him, and he told me he was separated as well. His wife was living in another state while he was looking after her two kids, his child, and his three step grand children that belong to his two step kids. I hope you can keep up! He told me, his wife was married to someone else when they met, and that he didn’t know that she had his child until after the child was born (who has the name of his wife’s first husband). Yet despite all that - and knowing all that - he still married her? Then he chose his path. Why do you feel sorry for him, or even mention this? If it's what he wanted, and what he chose, it's his decision for which he was responsible. He also told me that his wife told him that she never really loved him, which hurt him a lot, and which also contributed to their separation 3 months prior to meeting me. He told me what he had endured in their relationship, and assured me it was definitely over. I then asked him when he last slept with his wife in order to understand what type of separation they had. He told me it was three weeks prior to meeting me, which I thought was pretty recent at the time. However, he also explained that they understood it was just sex. But I looked at the fact that he was being honest. We talked a lot, and spent a lot of time together. We also had a very strong connection from the beginning. He then told his wife about me, and she came back to town immediately to get him back. She got my number from his phone and called me to tell me she was about two months pregnant, which was nearly three months into our relationship. At which point you did the maths and knew that the "honesty" was just a cover story, and that he was playing you both. And yet, you decided - chose - to stay with him, despite that. At that point we nearly broke up, but then decided to stay together Like him, you knew the one you loved / wanted preferred someone else, but you chose to cling to him nonetheless, knowing this. Because he hadn't tried to hide that he was shagging her, you took that as honest rather than merely blatant, and chose to believe his words over his actions. When you had in front of you an example - him - of someone getting screwed (literally) doing just that. Interesting, the power of denial. I endured a lot in terms of her not letting him go, Huh? If he'd wanted to go, her clinging would not have made an iota of difference. She "didn't let him go" because he allowed, or even encouraged, it. No one can cling unilaterally. Why are you laying this at her door, when he was the one who was "committed" to you (or claimed to be) and the one who should have been delivering on a promise to you, not her? She - considering herself M to him, and in a R with him - had every reason to do what she thought best to salvage that. Her choice. He needed to choose which woman he was actually with, and chose to keep both. Your anger should be towards him, not her. Nor were you under any obligation to "endure" it. You could simply have told him it wasn't working for you, and walked. You CHOSE to stay. So you CHOSE to put up with any clinging on her part, and can't morally now turn around and blame anyone but yourself for your own choices. and although he would let her know that he was moving on, Clearly not adeqately, or she'd know. she constantly kept on trying to find ways to keep him around which was frustrating, because I felt she was manipulating my BF, and made him feel as though he was abandoning her instead of moving on. My BF and I got into a lot of arguments, because I felt he needed to define his relationship with her. To try and cut the long story short, my BF and I moved to another state to start a new life (which included both of us getting a divorce) You mean, I presume, that it included both of you telling the other (with fingers crossed behind backs or otherwise) that you'd get a divorce. From what you've said, it sounds as if neither of you have actually gone through with D. but he would plan to regularly visit his son. Anyway, about two weeks later, my BF's wife moved to the same state, which caused us to argue. My BF's child was also having a hard time dealing with the break-up, and so his wife called him complaining about the fact that his son isn't handling the situation well which annoyed me, because my BF loves his son to bits, and I know she was just making him feel guilty. Evidence? You spoke to the son and he confirmed all was roses and peachy keen? That it was just a story his mother was making up to lure his father back? So, while she was on the phone, I told him he needed to be talking to his child (who is a teen) not her, and I guess she got mad, and called my phone and cursed me out. But I must say, all the other times she used to call I would say nothing - I just got fed up. And getting fed up, of course, says nothing.... A couple of days later due to a loss in her family, he told me he had to go to visit her As I understand it, he had no means himself to get there. So his saying he "had" to go was him saying, "yo, woman, give me money to go visit my W" with some kind of expectation that you would do so. And you chose to agree. to offer his support, and said that "she would do the same for him," meaning, sponge off someone she claimed to love, to go off and cosy up to her supposed-to-be-ex? Interesting notion. even though I felt that since they were separated he should have waited for the official gathering. But he said it was also because of his child. I disagreed, because I felt that his actions would send mixed messages to her, although I knew that his child would appreciate the visit. So I got over it, and made sure he had gas to go and visit them. Then a couple of days later, he told me he was going out of town for the funeral, but was going to spend the night there, because of the wake the night before. He told me that he would keep in touch with me, which he did to start off with, but then I heard nothing for hours. When I finally called him, he missed my first couple of calls, and then called me back to tell me, he was busy picking up some food for his wife's mother. I was furious, and here's why. His trip, which he didn't want me to come along for, You're funding it, but you're not allowed along? And you agreed to this? cost me $300.00. He has been out of work for months, and I have been carrying the both of us. This is why he was able to drive to see his son/wife and get to the funeral. This is why he has been able to have a phone that she always calls him on. Even though, I did these things out of love, and yes, I do love him, I'm not one to take for granted. Anyway, I expressed my feelings about it, and he basically put the phone down on me. I understood that the timing was bad, but I felt completely unimportant, considering I had been there for him in the toughest of situations. It may sound petty, and I may sound insensitive, and yes he told me he was separated, but he didn't say he was in the process of separating which seems to be the case. Well, I guess he had enough of me not being more accepting of his situation, but before he left to go to the funeral, we agreed that he would seriously start working the divorce a few weeks after the funeral. Guess he was agreeing to any old thing to get you to hand over the money. Perhaps you should have gotten him to do that first before you funded his dalliance with his "ex" W... The only thing is, after I got upset with him (which included me saying basically I had had enough which he knew I only said because I was upset), You didn't really have enough? You were just saying that being someone's chequebook to fund their other Rs was unacceptable because you were having a rough day? he didn't call or come home the next day. He called a day later to say he couldn't deal with it, (I'm assuming he meant his wife and me), and that he just wasn't coming back. I was extremely hurt, because we talked about his marriage/wife and he was certain about us, and the fact that he loved me. certain you'd continue to keep in him in the lifestyle he wanted but couldn't afford, it seems We planned that when everything was sorted out, we would get married and start a family. He text me to say, why did I (whatever that meant), and that he truly forgives me (not sure what he's talking about). He started to call me, but I have been ignoring his calls until today. At first, he told me to trash his things, although he called me today to find out if I still have his things. He also tried to find out if I had left our apartment/state, and said that he will never forget this for as long as he lives. I started to explain to him why I was upset and said the things I said, but he quickly told me he couldn’t talk, because he was at work (at work!!! After being jobless for months.) He told me he would call me back, but he never did. maybe he meant "on the job" rather than in paid employment. Though I suppose if he was being a kept man, in the same was as he was when with you, then that would qualify as paid employment... Sorry, but I tried to keep it short, but what happened????? What happened is that you made some pretty dumb choices along the way to allow yourself to be used and taken advantage of, and then felt shocked when you were used and taken advantage of. Im sorry BL but until you can own up to your own role in this, and the fact that you made choices, and that these are the results of those choices, you will always wonder "what happened" instead of making things happen the way you want.
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 There is alot that I didn't say, for the sake of trying to keep my story short. Regardless, I appreciate your comments.
OWoman Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 There is alot that I didn't say, for the sake of trying to keep my story short. Regardless, I appreciate your comments. BL - my post probably came across as critical... but my point was, you've signed over your power here. You need to seize it back. You need to be calling the shots on this - it's YOUR life. Unless you're driving it, you will always wonder where it's going and how you got there.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What's WWJD? What Would Johan Do?? What Would Jesus Do?
Last_Nerve Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Jesus would teach the low rent XX how to fish so he could feed all of those dependents that he brought into the world. At sometime or other all of us have been used and thrown away. Take his stuff to the dumpster so he wont' have a reason to come crawling back. He is a loser and a user just be glad that he is gone.
OWoman Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What Would Jesus Do? make wine out of the water and put the bottle stores out of business?
Lookingforward Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 :confused:??????????? What Would Jimmy Buffet Do
OWoman Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What Would Jimmy Buffet Do Hmmm. What would Jimmy Osmond do? Break into song... "I'll be your long haired lover from Li-ver-pool..."
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 The OP referenced that she left her H because he needed Jesus, I just pointed out that she should have thought the same thing about herself.
Shygirl15 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 These are the types of situations that we, women, really need to do our best to avoid. Too much going on with this one really. An angry manipulating pregnant ex, a jobless BF, his son etc. I can understand that you love him a lot to go through this mess, however, remember loving someone is simply a choice. You chose to love this man, you can choose to love another who has a job and much less garbage. Appears to me you sacrificed yourself too much for this relationship. Moved out of state only to get dumped by him months later is really sad. My suggestion; move on.
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I plan to do just that. There were plenty of times I wanted to quit, but I allowed him to talk me into staying. And now he is obviously over it, and has dumped me. He has called me a couple of times as you may have read, but I am not going back. I would just love for him to come crawling back, so I can say 'hell no.'
Shygirl15 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I plan to do just that. There were plenty of times I wanted to quit, but I allowed him to talk me into staying. And now he is obviously over it, and has dumped me. He has called me a couple of times as you may have read, but I am not going back. I would just love for him to come crawling back, so I can say 'hell no.' I guess he loves to be the 'dumper' and not the 'dumpee', huh? I know leaving someone you have been with for some time is not an easy thing to do but you need to gather all the strength you have and just move on. Cut off completely all communications with him.
Author beautifullove Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 But he left all of his things here, which initially he told me to throw away, but when he called me the other day, he asked me if I still had them. I told him that I did, but that's about it. He really wasn't clear about his things. To be honest, I don't think he has enough money to come back and get his things. He called me today, but I didn't take the call, because when I spoke to him last, he said that he would never forget this for as long as he lived. But when I asked him what he was talking about, and starting pointing out that he was the one who chose not to come back, he quickly said he had to go, and ended the phone call bytelling me he would call later that day but he didn't.
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