Zapbasket Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 How do you distinguish between a "flag" in assessing a partner's character as part of determining whether to commit to a long-term relationship with them, and a FEAR you have (of intimacy, or fill-in-the-blank) that you're projecting onto them? I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months and in just over a week I'm moving across the country to be with him. From the very beginning, he's both excited and inspired and impressed me, AS WELL AS raised a slew of so-called "red flags." And I don't know how to distinguish between legitimate red flags that should tell me he's not someone I should potentially marry, and just my garden variety fears of being in a relationship and it's concommittent possibilities of getting crushed. My partner is 49 and never married, and his longest relationship was 3 years. This alone wouldn't bother me, but then sometimes he says things that are just so immature--not the things someone would say if they were really serious about long-term committment and raising a family, etc....right? For example, tonight I called while he was out on a bike ride with one of his friends. He told me he was trying to set up this friend (male) with one of his female friends. He said his male friend was not interested in the female friend because her chest is too flat and he wants a younger woman. Immediately I felt disgust at this friend (I haven't met him yet), because I feel like, at age 50, you shouldn't unilaterally discount someone because their tits aren't big enough, you know? It's so superficial and honestly my first thought, which I kept to myself, was, "Well, and there we have a nice big bay window into why he's still single, don't we?" And I've heard my boyfriend say things along a similar vein, such as telling me that he used to spend his weekends toodling around town, in his words, "chasing women." Immediately what came to my mind was the stereotype all women know well--of the man who hits on everything remotely feminine, who oogles you and seems bent on just one thing.... I dunno. It's so strange. Just this afternoon I was feeling all excited about us and thinking sexy, loving thoughts about him, and then I hear this story from him and I just feel . So is this just a guy being a guy? Or someone lacking in class, as I already feel his friend lacks class for being so deluded as to think he should have a younger woman, rather than so mature as to want to find someone who is COMPATIBLE with him first and foremost. Am I just being skittish or is this, and things like it, grounds for a legitimate red flag?
motive2002 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I'm a guy, and us guys do "guy things", but typically conversations about a superficial view on someone's appearance stays with us guys! It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if women sometimes have similar conversations. "Oooh he's bald and I want someone a little younger looking. He looks like my grandpa!" Now this alone doesn't speak of the depth of this individual's personality. You're merely getting a small glimpse of it from what I can tell. We all tend to be a little superficial from time to time.
Krytie TV Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 OP, I think this is an excellent question in basis and one that anyone should consider when identifying all of the checklist red flags of a new prospective partner. I think many people project their personal fears onto other people, then leading them to identify behaviors as red flags.
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