fran82 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 i was reading summit the other day, it was about the difference between needing and desire. basically saying desire was the healthier of the 2 options (obviously) so i was thinking about how i felt at the end of my r/ship. apart from as confused as hell, how did i really view my D. did i love him because i felt like i needed him to get through day to day, or did i really desire him, consuming desire. the more distance i get the more i see it clearly, i desired him (even still) but the whole situation was confused by his fear that i NEEDED him. i've figured it out now, which is a good thing, i supposed, if not a little too late! lol! anyway, i asked my friend what she thought about this theory i'd read about, and we came up with a few more questions! is need really a bad thing for a r/ship? yes desire is great, but could it survive without need!? its seems a little bit like the majority of r/ships i've come across and soaked with need, and the desire has wained a little. what do you guys think?
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I think a healthy relationship is a balance of the two. Human beings in all relationships 'need' social interaction and they 'need' love and comfort. Those are basic 'needs' (read on Maslow Heirarchy). I think what you're asking about is the 'dependence' upon (needing) someone as opposed to 'desiring' (or wanting) them, which makes some relationships unhealthy. I know for me, as soon as someone demonstrates to me that they 'need' me, it makes me feel 'depended' upon and the balance of 'desire' changes. They need me more than I need them. It has to be equal for it to work. Unless of course there is complete co-dependence, where I need them as much as they need me... that works too, on a dysfunctional level.
Author fran82 Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 hey chinook, thanks for the response, I think what you're asking about is the 'dependence' upon (needing) someone as opposed to 'desiring' (or wanting) them, which makes some relationships unhealthy. I know for me, as soon as someone demonstrates to me that they 'need' me, it makes me feel 'depended' upon and the balance of 'desire' changes. thats exactly what i was trying to get at! its definitely something that played a part in my break up, at least in a way it did. trouble was that my ex has(or had) the opinion that i 'needed' him, although i dont know why? i live in my own home, i have a full time job and my own friends, working on the perfect body and car! lol! while he's still lives with his mum, working in the family business, if you could call it that! so i guess what im wondering is, when your the feeling replied upon, what is it that makes you feel that way? (generally speaking) when is it that someone's desire for you, turns into dependance upon you, in ones opinion? also all the posting about NC made me think, with all the struggle, (which despite my protests i am feeling too, now on day 11) is it a NEED to contact or a DESIRE? eg, last week i had a bit of a disagree with a colleague and didnt really have any to talk to, quite upset, my mind turned to D! why!? i didnt NEED him to sort out the problem! i didn't DESIRE to hear his half assed 'get over it' response! so i held myself back and didn't call! whats it all about? life a b**** sometimes! any suggestions?
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