broke up with me in an e-mail

[skydancing]

Hi guys. It's been a while since I've posted because, well, things were going so well with my boyfriend. Seriously, the relationship was as close to normal as I've ever had. We have been together for a little over a year, and he broke up with me last night through e-mail!

 

This happened after he left to go on a trip to Israel sponsored by Birthright (he's Jewish, but not religious). Before the trip, everything was fine - we got along great, no fighting, love, etc. etc. I called him yesterday because he was supposed to come up and visit me in Boston for the weekend and we were going to enjoy the holiday together. He turned off his phone, so I tried messaging him online. No answer. I left work for home and when I got there he had left an e-mail for me saying that he couldn't marry someone who wasn't Jewish even if he doesn't practice at all, and that he just wanted to have fun for a while. Out of nowhere! On his facebook profile, he has all of these young recently graduated high schoolers posting all over his wall, which makes me think that he went on this trip, the girls loved that he was in med school, and he just wants attention instead of a normal relationship. Of course, he makes himself out to be the victim by saying "I know you're probably going to hate me because of this, so I will just let you cool off before you call me again." Of course, I called him that night. He says he wants more freedom (even though we are living in different cities right now and I give him the most space a guy could ever want), but he says that I am the best girl that he is ever going to find. Seriously, he's giving me so many reasons that I just don't know what the truth of the matter is anymore.

 

This sucks because I just moved to a big city where I don't know many people, and this is going to be a huge hindrance to being happy there. I just want to go home. I lack motivation to finish my medical school applications.

 

Actually, the last couple of times that he has tried to break it off, he comes back after a few days. I don't know if that will happen. All I know is that I am devastated and can't believe I'm going through another breakup. I made the dumb move, too, of writing him an e-mail saying that he was making a mistake.

 

He messaged my sister to say that he would be calling me "sometime soon when everyone cools off." She said that he seemed sad in the message. I'm feeling like it is all final now. It's hard to believe that everything was great just a couple of weeks ago, but now there is nothing.

 

He wrote me a message a couple of days later saying that he was going to call me. This is what happened:

 

His message: "Hi Pam, I'm sorry I haven't called you in the past week, but I just thought I'd write you a message to see if you've been feeling alright. I know you probably hate me - and that's understandable - but if you're up for it let me know and we can talk. "

My response: "hi, I've been really busy lately at work and socially, so time has kind of been flying here in Boston. I also got food poisoning over the weekend from a meal that I ate at a friend's party for the 4th...such dirty fools I have for friends back home. So I've been recovering from that too. It would be fine with me if you wanted to talk. You know that I don't hate anyone, no matter what happens. I may not agree with people's actions but I figure that no one is perfect. I am free for a bit tonight if you wanted to give me a holla."

--and he never called me, so I sent this: "hey, you never called me."

His response: "Hey, sorry about that. I get the feeling that it may be a little to soon to start talking to each other as friends and all. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well though. I saw you're taking a dance class and are a Boston Partner in Education (I don't know what that is, but it sounds good). How's dance class going?"

 

I did something potentially stupid, too. I sent his mother a letter just to thank her for being so kind to me over the past year. I didn't write anything about the breakup and tried to be positive in it. Was this a stupid thing to do?

 

I wrote him an e-mail saying that I didn't want to chat on Facebook and that when he felt up to it, he could contact me. He hasn't called me in about 5 days since then. I guess if he had called me, then he would actually be interested in talking to me.

 

Any opinions?

[Chinook]

I really think, if it's over (and to me, it seems like it is even though he's jerking around) then you need to heal. I don't think you guys can do that if you're in each other's lives right now. He's not being an dumb-a$$ when he says it's too soon, he's being honest I think. He'd like to stay in touch, but he's aware that he wants something you don't - friendship. You want more. Whenever a breakup occurs and the partners try to remain friends in the initial stages, it is always painful for the one party who didn't want it to end. I think until both parties reach equilibrium with their broken-up status, then friends is practically impossible. So for you, that means being totally honest with how you feel and cut the contact with him to either limited (when he contacts, and don't encourage) or complete no contact at all. Personally, having experienced both scenarios in recent years, I would say although painful initially - no contact was less time consuming and less painful.

[justaman99]

I left work for home and when I got there he had left an e-mail for me saying that he couldn't marry someone who wasn't Jewish even if he doesn't practice at all, and that he just wanted to have fun for a while.

 

Have fun for awhile is the real truth, the not being Jewish thing is bull****. He broke up with you via email. What a great guy. No balls.

 

Of course, he makes himself out to be the victim by saying "I know you're probably going to hate me because of this, so I will just let you cool off before you call me again."

 

Control. Yeah you can call me when you cool off. I broke up with you but you can call me when you are good to. Come on. Look at his behavior. Do you really want something serious with this guy?

 

Actually, the last couple of times that he has tried to break it off, he comes back after a few days. I don't know if that will happen.

 

It's happened before? Eesh... When are you going to learn? He doesn't even live where you now reside so build a life with someone real in B town

 

I am free for a bit tonight if you wanted to give me a holla."

--and he never called me, so I sent this: "hey, you never called me."

His response: "Hey, sorry about that. I get the feeling that it may be a little to soon to start talking to each other as friends and all. I'm glad to hear that you're doing well though. I saw you're taking a dance class and are a Boston Partner in Education (I don't know what that is, but it sounds good). How's dance class going?"

 

How did he know. You are on a leash. How does it feel to be his dog? Sorry to put it that way but you need a kick in the pants.

 

I did something potentially stupid, too. I sent his mother a letter just to thank her for being so kind to me over the past year. I didn't write anything about the breakup and tried to be positive in it. Was this a stupid thing to do?

 

No. Not at all. You probably had a relationship with his mother so that's ok to send a kind letter to her even after a break up

 

I wrote him an e-mail saying that I didn't want to chat on Facebook and that when he felt up to it, he could contact me. He hasn't called me in about 5 days since then. I guess if he had called me, then he would actually be interested in talking to me.

 

I guess if he had called me, then he would actually be interested in talking to me.

 

bingo.

 

Any opinions?

 

Yeah, forget about this guy.

[Chinook]

I liked that last post. I should be a bit more blunt.

 

What he said.

[littletoes]

Hey there. I must say that I'm kind of in the same boat. You should read what IM dealing with. MY Bf of 2 years is ignoring me with no communication what so ever.He has ignored all of my calls and emails and texts all he keeps telling me is that hes confused and he doesnt know what to do he said that he owuld call em back on Thursday 5 days later no calls no communications all I got were hints on Wednesday of a break up.Example. U deserve better than me and that he doesnt want to waste anymore of my time by telling me hes confused. All of that stuff but my situatuiion is a little diffrents. He hasnt had the balls to say its over he just keepos ignoring me so at least your fortuanate that he emailed you. Take it from me I have yet to call him for 3 days and its hard as hell. Because I hear and know nothing and it makes me fel worthless.

[pinkrazr]

Dont be a sucker for punishment!

 

my last boyfriend i put 6 years into the same deal.

on and off on and off, just the convenience for him.

 

screw him! your a big girl, new city, new life!

get on out there!!

[curiousnycgirl]

Putting aside all the emotion you've gotten in the other responses, the reality is this relationship is over. I am sorry to say that - but it's true.

 

It is likely he was either rebelling by dating you (a non jew) or he really had no connection to his roots, found that connection while in Israel, and determined he had to keep the faith.

 

Jews are raised to KNOW that they will not marry outside the faith. I know - I am Jewish. Being slightly more thinking than most, I determined that as long as I thought I might have kids, I had to date only within my faith - I strongly believe both parents must practice the same religion when raising kids. However once I realized I had gotten older than I would like to have kids, I gave myself permission to date a Christian man.

 

The fact that this guy did it via email truly does mean he is a spineless, ballless wimp. Clearly not worthy of your time, attention or tears (I know easier for me to say). Don't you know that you deserve better?

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this - good luck to you.

[skydancing]

Hey guys - thanks for your replies (especially to the dude who was straightforward). I am doing much better now that I realize that it was such a joke to do what he did. He should have sat me down and had a discussion about the religion thing a while ago if he sensed that it was even the least bit important. But he avoided takling about it whenever I brought it up.

 

I just had the belief that race and religion don't matter if two people are willing to learn from each other and make it work. I guess that I should only date Catholics from now on to spare my feelings - I seem to be more open-minded than a lot of people, so I've never had a problem dating someone who was culturally different from me. But I guess now I can say that I learned a lot from this experience.

 

If he doesn't call - I won't be surprised. If he does - I will not let him back into my life romantically unless he is willing to accept me and his family is willing to at least tolerate me.

 

The only thing that is left to deal with is feeling like he gave me a cheap version of himself and will be much better to the next girlfriend, no matter what she's like. I hate the feeling like I wasn't worthy of his best behaviors. Any tips on how to deal?

[Emmeline]

I am not Jewish but a few years ago I dated a guy who was. Like your ex, he was not religious at all. we knew each other for a couple of years before we dated and had discussed our religious views before. He dated mainly non-Jewish girls as well. And then when we broke up, the main reason he gave was that I wasn't Jewish and he could never marry a girl who wasn't. What the...!?!? I pointed out to him that he had known I wasn't Jewish for years and it suddenly became an issue now?!?!

 

We were able to salvage our friendship (eventually) and I've come to realize that this man is a major commitmentphobe. I think he uses the excuse that a girl isn't Jewish whenever he starts to feel suffocated and needs a way out.

 

He's currently on an online dating site and where it says religious preference, he put "doesn't matter." Go figure.

 

I wonder if your ex is using that as an excuse too.

[skydancing]

I am not Jewish but a few years ago I dated a guy who was. Like your ex, he was not religious at all. we knew each other for a couple of years before we dated and had discussed our religious views before. He dated mainly non-Jewish girls as well. And then when we broke up, the main reason he gave was that I wasn't Jewish and he could never marry a girl who wasn't. What the...!?!? I pointed out to him that he had known I wasn't Jewish for years and it suddenly became an issue now?!?!

 

We were able to salvage our friendship (eventually) and I've come to realize that this man is a major commitmentphobe. I think he uses the excuse that a girl isn't Jewish whenever he starts to feel suffocated and needs a way out.

 

He's currently on an online dating site and where it says religious preference, he put "doesn't matter." Go figure.

 

I wonder if your ex is using that as an excuse too.

 

 

That all could be true with him, actually. He seems pretty wishy-washy in the commitment department. For instance, he always got upset anytime anyone mentioned marriage (even as a joke) but yet in cards written to me he would always say things like "can't wait to spent many more years with you."

 

He still hasn't called me. I just don't know why that is - perhaps he's still being a coward or he has already moved on to a hookup. YEsterday I was doing really good, but today I am a mess. I can't believe that I am nothing to him now.

 

Part of me thinks that he might call once med school starts up again in a month. But I'm not sure. I wish I knew how to relax and not try everything to figure this out.

[Emmeline]

Sometimes the only way to see the situation clearly is when you've had the benefit of time and distance. I've found that helps when you're trying to make sense out of a person's behavior. Most sane people don't do what they do without some kind of a reason (no matter how bizarre it may seem to us) and getting some hindsight and objectivity can help you to figure that out.

 

The guy I mentioned in my first response had me completely mystified by his behavior at first. He did always talk longingly about getting married and having kids yet it seemed that everything he did relationship-wise was calculated to prevent him from achieving that alleged goal.

 

It wasn't until a couple of months after his interactions with me that it started to become really clear to me what his problem was. I had one of those "eureka!" moments where it just all made sense. I had started browsing a book about commitment-phobes in my local bookstore and a lot of his behaviors mirrored the examples in the book. It was almost uncanny.

 

I think you also can trust gut instincts about people too. As you get farther from the situation, things will become clearer and you may start to find some logic to what now appears to you to be totally erratic and inconsistent behavior.

[skydancing]

I agree about the distance thing. I guess it's hard for me to not panic about his abandonment. I seriously wake up in the morning and I feel like my heart is sinking into my stomach. I think, "Oh my gosh! It's been so long and he hasn't called me." I can see how his character would make him run away from the situation just as everything was falling into place, and it doesn't help that his father is telling him what to do.

 

In all of my other major break ups, the guy moved on to another girl (and then broke up with her sooner along) or just disappeared otherwise. Since then, nothing really spectacular has happened to them - and some have even gone way down hill in the morality department. I just have to tell myself that this situation won't be any different. I mean, if he runs away from a one-year relationship, I can only imagine what will happen when a girl asks about when they are going to get married!

 

I guess the biggest thing that I am dealing with is thinking that he feels like his life is much better off without me. But I have to counter myself on this because he is commuting 2 hours each way for work this summer and has to live with a drug-addicted brother and overbearing parents. Doesn't sounds like paradise to me. Oh yeah, and he will be returning to the drudgery of med school in about 4 weeks. I can't wait for that call - "Hey Pam, I'm feeling stressed out..."

 

And if I was so great, like he says, why does he think he can do much better???

[skydancing]

So he contacted me today and agreed to talk on the phone later tonight to clarify things. He said only on one condition: that I don't try and tell him that he was wrong and that I don't try and win him back. Does that seem like he is nervous about changing his mind?

 

I typed up a bunch of questions that I had for him and some unaccusational statements that I would like to make. I plan on sticking to this plan. I am feeling nervous that he is going to get angry or something. But I do need this closure.

 

I am trying to get myself out of the mindset of trying to get him back, so all of my questions and statements have been made to be unmanipulative to the max. My mindset is just to get some clarity on the situation and just be at peace with how he is feeling. I am making it clear that I don't want to be with him (even if I really do) and that I would be okay if we weren't friends. But it seems like he is the one who can't deal with still talking to me.

 

Any tips?

[Chinook]

So he contacted me today and agreed to talk on the phone later tonight to clarify things. He said only on one condition: that I don't try and tell him that he was wrong and that I don't try and win him back. Does that seem like he is nervous about changing his mind?

Nope not exactly changing his mind - it seems he's more nervous about having constraints put on the situation.

 

I typed up a bunch of questions that I had for him and some unaccusational statements that I would like to make. I plan on sticking to this plan. I am feeling nervous that he is going to get angry or something. But I do need this closure.

Be mindful that he may not give you the closure you require exactly. You may have to play it differently from how you planned. For me I would completely fox him and not go there at all with how things occurred because that is what he is expecting (as you indicated already above).

 

I am trying to get myself out of the mindset of trying to get him back, so all of my questions and statements have been made to be unmanipulative to the max.

Sorry that's totally unrealistic... especially if you ARE really of the mindset that you want him back. Think about this deep down. Are you really simply wanting peace with the situation, or is there more to it...? The reason I ask you to think about that is that what you think is unmanipulative, is unlikely to be seen so by your ex. You cannot possibly be 100% totally objective about this. Trust me, I know (after 4 years and I still can't be objective). Only time can do that for you.

 

My mindset is just to get some clarity on the situation and just be at peace with how he is feeling. I am making it clear that I don't want to be with him (even if I really do) and that I would be okay if we weren't friends. But it seems like he is the one who can't deal with still talking to me.

Nope. You see what I mean in this statement here... you're contradicting yourself about how you want to seem like you don't want to be with him... even if you really do. He knows you and unconsciously, whether you intend to do it or not, you will send him these signals and it's these which he is unconsciously seeing and hearing - hence why he is a little reluctant to see/talk with you. Afterall, if you were really of the mindset that you didn't care, you wouldn't need to see him, right..?! Does this make sense..?! I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but be careful how your emotions can guide what you're doing without you really paying attention to it. You need to make it clear that you don't plan on having him back any time soon - despite your having feelings for him. That would be a much more realistic reflection of the situation. But then ask yourself, if he calls your bluff and says 'say, lets try again' what would you really do...? Deep inside, would you want to try again, or would you let it go...? Only you can really know this. But it's his sensing this is uncertain which is keeping him reluctant. He knows he's not definitely in the 'friendzone'.

[imagine]

Hi SkyD

 

Its kind of a Jewish thing over here that you bang as many as a slong can manage, but for tradition sake you marry Kugel. Genealogy is very important for the Jewish people. The Old Testament will explain why.

 

Your posting indicates that your x?/bf does at least care enough to warn you of future heart-ache. Many don't bother!

 

My experience of Jewish folk generally are that they are intelligent and have great sensitivity. This sensitivity can be used to demonstrate wonderful caring souls and conversely, prize putzes. Strangely, there doesn't seem to to be many in between types.

 

I cannot tell precisely where your bf lies, but do beware a Jew when they want something, then turn quite callous once they have got it.

 

My advice would be to get on with your life as further contact with this man will only aggravate your unhappiness.

[skydancing]

Hi SkyD

 

Its kind of a Jewish thing over here that you bang as many as a slong can manage, but for tradition sake you marry Kugel. Genealogy is very important for the Jewish people. The Old Testament will explain why.

 

Your posting indicates that your x?/bf does at least care enough to warn you of future heart-ache. Many don't bother!

 

My experience of Jewish folk generally are that they are intelligent and have great sensitivity. This sensitivity can be used to demonstrate wonderful caring souls and conversely, prize putzes. Strangely, there doesn't seem to to be many in between types.

 

I cannot tell precisely where your bf lies, but do beware a Jew when they want something, then turn quite callous once they have got it.

 

My advice would be to get on with your life as further contact with this man will only aggravate your unhappiness.

 

 

Don't you think that this is an overgeneralization? Not every Jewish person marries another Jewish person. Isn't it a fact that half marry outside of their religion in this country? Even his uncle married a Christian, and the family seems to have no problem with it. His parents and his relatives do not go to religious services, and while I was there for Passover no one followed through with the religious readings or traditions for the holiday.

 

Also, I haven't experienced his callousness until we broke up. He tried breaking up with me a couple of times before but he was overly emotional about it, and got back with me within a day or so. So something (or someone) convinced him suddenly to act this way.

 

I understand the premise behind NC and all of that, which I have practiced with many boyfriends in the past. If I have nothing to lose with this guy, then why not go for it and see what he has to say? At least I could then stop wondering about what the real reason was and get on with my day.

[Katherineos123]

Hi Sky. Well, it sounds to me like you are handling this break up-ish thing very well. And as far as the phone call for this evening goes, I think you have every right to ask him whatever the hell you want! You at the very least deserve that! I hope this isnt too harsh for you, but this guy kinda sounds like a chump, and I dont think you should have any inclination of taking him back. I know it might seem hard to think of right now, but breaking up via email?! Come on... I think that both of you should leave each other alone for a while after this phone call tonight, no calling/texting/whathaveyouing, this way, he gets a chance to miss you, and might see the error of his ways. If he does, and you two do decide to give it another try after a little while, he would have to know that things would need to change.

Take advantage of the fact that you are in a new city, and live it up! I live in the area actually, and visit Boston all the time! Its an awesome town! Im actually currently looking for a place in the city myself!