Nevermind Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's probably just a day, and it has more to do with low self-esteem than anything else, but today my whole existence seems so pointless. I mean, really, when I think about it, I have nothing to offer to anybody. It's just pointless even trying to make friends and find love. My life is so empty and boring, without success, without being good in anything. I just feel so ridiculous, and I feel that the pain I went through was ultimately caused by myself. Because if I had never been foolish enough to think that "I" was a good enough package for anyone, I'd never been hurt like this. Waste of space and O2. I tried walking (5 miles), shopping (a book), cooking (buttermilk chicken wings), studying (futile), but I can't get out of it. Pathetic loser me.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 NVM, I wish sincerely I could say I haven't been there and I don't know how it feels. But, unfortunately... I have been there (and not too long ago either) and I do know how it feels. It doesn't really help for you to know that, I know. But sometimes there is solace in knowing you're not alone. The only thing I would advise about these dark days is doing exactly what it is that you're doing... keep breathing, keep walking... one step after the other. I really don't know what other advice to tell you because some days I can't recall how I got (and still do) get through it. But I do think that at some point, we always self-evaluate and we're always hypercritical and looking for things which aren't there. In these moments, I'd ask you to focus your effort on looking at the stuff you do which is positive. You're not a pathetic loser. No human being is. No one.
foxh1234 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's probably just a day, and it has more to do with low self-esteem than anything else, but today my whole existence seems so pointless. I mean, really, when I think about it, I have nothing to offer to anybody. It's just pointless even trying to make friends and find love. My life is so empty and boring, without success, without being good in anything. I just feel so ridiculous, and I feel that the pain I went through was ultimately caused by myself. Because if I had never been foolish enough to think that "I" was a good enough package for anyone, I'd never been hurt like this. Waste of space and O2. I tried walking (5 miles), shopping (a book), cooking (buttermilk chicken wings), studying (futile), but I can't get out of it. Pathetic loser me. NM, you are not a waste of space, far from it. I have enjoyed talking to you on this site and I am sure anyone else would also. You are just having a bad day, that's all. I have had them where I didn't want to get out of bed, I thought no one would ever want me again. They always pass though and I feel better the next day. It hurts like hell what we are going through, but we all will get through it, I promise you. One more thing, if you can cook buttermilk chicken wings, you can't be all bad.;) Enough of this wallowing negative talk, tomorrow you will feel better and in a few months we will laugh at ourselves for being so silly. Take care and if you ever want to talk privately just PM me.
Ariadne Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's probably just a day, and it has more to do with low self-esteem than anything else, but today my whole existence seems so pointless. Well, at least some guys here think you are cute and want to date you: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t158088/
Author Nevermind Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Ariadne: yes. That is weird. I think it's due to writing on the coping board for the same time as motive and tealeafbud. Bonding experience etc. Thank you, though. That link was nice. Fox: I don't know. It's not really tearful I-will-die-alone emotion, more like sudden clarity. That I will supress again tomorrow. But nevertheless, today it feels so clear and true. As if it's actually just a hard truth, bitter pill to swallow. Would you like the recipe? It's pretty easy. Chinook: Thank you. I know, going on with life is the best (and only) way to go. I just need to be reminded of it. Thanks for your replies, you three.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's not really tearful I-will-die-alone emotion, more like sudden clarity. That I will supress again tomorrow. But nevertheless, today it feels so clear and true. As if it's actually just a hard truth, bitter pill to swallow. The thing is hon, it may not feel better tomorrow... and the day after... but it will feel better. Trust me. Sooner or later. Just keep breathing and going on and sooner or later, without realising quite how you did it... you'll be where you wanted to be all along
Art_Critic Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 The thing is hon, it may not feel better tomorrow... and the day after... but it will feel better. Trust me. Sooner or later. Just keep breathing and going on and sooner or later, without realising quite how you did it... you'll be where you wanted to be all along Sometimes the fake it till you make form of healing is the best way thru the muck.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 But I was feeling better.And that will come to pass again. It's part of healing. The ups and downs, the way forward and back. It will happen - sometimes the path to it meanders a little on the way.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Sometimes the fake it till you make form of healing is the best way thru the muck.Art, you have no idea how true that sentiment is for me. Unbelievably, I only learned this in the last couple of years.
northstar1 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 But I was feeling better. Oh yes. I had a few days of feeling pretty good (not perfect), thinking I was rounding the bend on getting over the ex, then wham, I wake up one morning last week and I felt sad all over again. It's a cycle that will shorten.
Author Nevermind Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 It's not only romantic relationships. I feel unfit for human companionship of any kind. I know I should be out getting dates. My therapist is obsessed with my singledom. Moving on and fake it till you make it, is probably the best advice. But to me this is advertising under false pretenses. I am not dating material, nor relationship or friendship material. Sometimes, all I want to do is hide in a cave and slumber away. Chinook and Art: I know, tomorrow will be a new day and I just have to force myself to be better. We are in control of ourselves, so I should be able to do this. I just need to get over the night.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi NM, I'm feeling pretty bad today too. What do you think of both of us curling up with a little snack and some tissues and watching a movie? We can do it our respective places..
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's not only romantic relationships. I feel unfit for human companionship of any kind. I know I should be out getting dates. My therapist is obsessed with my singledom. Moving on and fake it till you make it, is probably the best advice. But to me this is advertising under false pretenses. I am not dating material, nor relationship or friendship material. Sometimes, all I want to do is hide in a cave and slumber away. Chinook and Art: I know, tomorrow will be a new day and I just have to force myself to be better. We are in control of ourselves, so I should be able to do this. I just need to get over the night. NVM, this is part of the grieving process. Grieving affects us at a core, deep level. It affects the way we think and the way we feel... so even if the grieving is as a result of one particular loss, it will permeate into all areas of our lives. This is the isolation and depression part of the cycle and whilst painful and utterly despairing, it too will pass. Whenever any major loss happened to me (either my illness or with losing my partner) in this stage, I felt like a failure, I felt like I was so far outside of life that it was pointless being within it. I didn't know what to do to address it. I didn't know where to start to fix it, to fix me. Like I said, I just continued breathing and going on with faking it. I also did a lot of reading about loss and grieving. I wanted to understand why I felt the way I did and it helped.
Author Nevermind Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Sounds nice. What time is it in your place? And what movie are we talking?
kizik Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi Nevermind, I've been having a sh*t day as well. It's nice to know someone else is - I know, that sounds incredibly heartless, of course I wish you were having a GOOD day - but what I'm saying is what others are saying: You are Not Alone in Pain. I was doing fine until I got stoned a couple days ago, and that made me depressed, and I'm still coming out of it. The world is a bleak place right now. We have to look forward to things. For example, I'm recording music tomorrow. So, that's good. But I hate her, and I hate hating her; I wish I could just not care. I will not care when I meet someone new, but I've asked a couple girls out, and gotten rejected. And meeting someone new is tough and discouraging when you have no sense of your own attractiveness. But I won't ever start thinking I'm a loser. And YOU are NOT a LOSER. Simply the fact that you can discuss things intelligently with insight, puts you FAR ahead a lot of people out there. Remember: NOT ALONE.
foxh1234 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi Nevermind, I've been having a sh*t day as well. It's nice to know someone else is - I know, that sounds incredibly heartless, of course I wish you were having a GOOD day - but what I'm saying is what others are saying: You are Not Alone in Pain. I was doing fine until I got stoned a couple days ago, and that made me depressed, and I'm still coming out of it. The world is a bleak place right now. We have to look forward to things. For example, I'm recording music tomorrow. So, that's good. But I hate her, and I hate hating her; I wish I could just not care. I will not care when I meet someone new, but I've asked a couple girls out, and gotten rejected. And meeting someone new is tough and discouraging when you have no sense of your own attractiveness. But I won't ever start thinking I'm a loser. And YOU are NOT a LOSER. Simply the fact that you can discuss things intelligently with insight, puts you FAR ahead a lot of people out there. Remember: NOT ALONE. Hey Kiz, glad to see you back man. The hate will go away, give it time. I also smoked dope a couple of times and it did more harm than good. My advice is stay off the stuff until your over her. Good luck on the recording tomorrow.
motive2002 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 NM you are a cutie! Nothing to offer.... that's nonsense!
replicator Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Nevermind, I get into those moods too - where I feel like whatever I do, it will just never be good enough. It's a dark place to be, but don't give in to those feelings any longer than you have to. Remember, the only person you ever need to please is yourself. You don't need approval from anybody to be happy. You're a good person, and you have admirable qualities. Don't be too hard on yourself.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I watched half of Amilie and fell asleep! I'll have to try again tomorrow.
Author Nevermind Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I ended up writing cards. For birthday, for having passed some exams etc to some people I know and watching "How I Met Your Mother" before falling asleep. I don't feel great, but those thoughts are not allowed. Faking it big time today!
Author Nevermind Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 As if he could smell my weakness, he contacted me. I cried for an hour, now all I can feel is numbness. shyte.
stlnsmile Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 As if he could smell my weakness, he contacted me. I cried for an hour, now all I can feel is numbness. shyte. NM what happened, what was said, why do you feel bad? What is it about the conversations that makes you feel bad. And, why are you still speaking to him? Do you see now that it is delaying your healing? Every time you speak to him, it is not going to benefit you.
Author Nevermind Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 I had him blocked everywhere. E-Mails, facebook, mobile phone. But the mobile phone block didn't work, apparently, or I did it wrong. There was no contact for 3 weeks, and no intent to go back on my part. He told me about his stressful exams, that I shouldn't think he disappeared, it was just too stressful etc. (Last e-mail from him told me he didn't want any contact, as if I had been molesting him. Which I did not. Now this, as if I had been waiting for him to contact me. As if we had left it on amicable terms.) And that he wanted to send my **** back. Now, after three months. I told him that I didn't want it back, that I wanted to know what he wanted all of a sudden. Then my voice got shaky, and I told him that I was working hard on getting over all this, that I made a therapy and that at least now I can say that I deserve better than him. I ended the call with **** off. Why am I such a loser? It's incredible. 5 days ago, I felt so good.
Author Nevermind Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 I wrote an apology for ending the call with f!ck off. That wasn't okay.
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