Love & Marriage

[Gorgona]

Hi,

 

I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.

 

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

[Moose]

Hi,

 

I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.

 

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

I think that when a person makes a lifetime commitment, they are to keep it.

 

Yes, the butterflies in your stomach may go away, but with time and patience they will return.

 

There's no sunshine with rain, or laughter without pain.....crap.....I'm starting to ryhme, but you get the point....

[quankanne]

I think someone who goes into a relationship and expects it to be primarily about "being in love" with someone isn't being realistic. Like the way the moon cycles from waning to waxing, relationships go from full-on feelings of romantic "lovey-dovey" love to a more practical kind of love, with feelings ranging mostly in-between. If love is a bedrock, a steady feeling that supports a relationship, then "in love" is the chemical high of those feelings. And frankly, trusting in that chemical high isn't very practical, because then you're only looking for the high itself, not the love ...

 

that said, yeah, I think someone who walks away from marriage because they're not "in love" with their spouse and refuses fight for said relationship is someone foolish enough to throw away what might very well be what they're supposed to have in life.

 

but hey, that's just me, someone who doesn't trust fully in chemical romance, but desires the practical bedrock because it helps me continue my leap of faith with my spouse.

 

mind you, there are periods when I wonder what the hell I'm doing when things get blah, but then I remember what I really want from our relationship ... and things get back on track.

[quankanne]

the Bard Moose

 

actually, you bring up something I've held true in my life:

 

Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken

 

William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116

 

even the Bard talks about putting faith in the bedrock of love, and not the "being in love" chemistry thing!

[Owl]

What's the history behind your question, Gorgona?

[Tripper]

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

 

G, this is a pretty complex questions and you haven't given much background story to your post.

 

M is about more than just love. Trust, commitment, belief in the institution, common values and many other issues play a huge part in the success or failure of a M.

 

Can you give more details about why you are asking the question??

[reddog63]

I think that when a person makes a lifetime commitment, they are to keep it.

 

Yes, the butterflies in your stomach may go away, but with time and patience they will return.

 

There's no sunshine with rain, or laughter without pain.....crap.....I'm starting to ryhme, but you get the point....

 

 

I do not think it is this simple. I do not think the majority of women or men who fall out of love do so because they have the "butterflys" in their stomach go away. And I also do not believe that one stays in a marriage just because they made a "commitment".

 

People who fall out of love are often not getting their needs met and feel like most likely they never will. So often I hear the words........because you made a vow..........well..........there is much more to the vows then just saying I do.........it is honoring and obeying and all the other things one spouse is suppose to do for one another or how they are to treat each other.

 

Like not getting sex in a marriage........I hear this so often..........how can you say one is to give that up for the rest of their life because they made a commitment??

[Touche]

Wow, what wonderful posts on marriage. I can relate to all of those as someone who is married now for 13 years but I will say that reddog you're right.

 

There's so much more than just honoring our vows. Each person's needs must be met. You're so right about that. Marriage is more than just blindly honoring our vows.

 

What good does that serve if the two people aren't meeting each other's needs?

 

Good post.

[quankanne]

sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.

 

it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.

 

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

[Touche]

sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.

 

it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.

 

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

 

Wow, it's the first time we don't agree. Or I don't agree with you at all. Not at all.

 

It's not about only having babies to many people. It's about closeness and intimacy. And why should someone who feels that that's what it's about (the latter) give it up? Because it's a test of some kind as to how strong your relationship is?

 

I couldn't disagree more. If it's important to one of you then the other should pay GREAT attention to that. And not pooh pooh that.

 

In my opinion it's selfish of one person to deny the one who thinks it's an important element in the marriage. Why should one person "learn" to do without as you say?

 

In the beginning it was an important element, no? And couples aren't always trying to have kids at the beginning either, right? So there goes that theory.

 

As for the last part in bold..no. In my opinion one of the TRUE tests of a relationship is how well one partner is able to give the other what they truly need to feel loved and desired.

 

Even if they don't always feel like it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

 

Touche is correct. A sexless marriage is no marriage at all.

 

To answer the original question. What does it mean to "fall out of love"? You say that as though you have no control over it... as though its just something that happens. It's funny how people who believe that are constantly so miserable. Laziness has few perks.

[Lookingforward]

sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.

 

it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.

 

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

 

So if ONE partner is disinterested the other should just suck it up for the sake of the relationship ?

 

and most would fail that TEST

[Moose]

Is what Touche' touched upon:

What good does that serve if the

two people

aren't meeting each other's needs?

Do I need to expand?

 

Marriage isn't 50/50 or he done that or she done this, so I ain't doin' crap....

 

It's 100/100 unconditionally......well....unless it's a something physical like a handicap, or abuse....

[Touche]

Is what Touche' touched upon:Do I need to expand?

 

Marriage isn't 50/50 or he done that or she done this, so I ain't doin' crap....

It's 100/100 unconditionally......well....unless it's a something physical like a handicap, or abuse....

 

Absolutely, right.

[OpenBook]

sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.

 

it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.

 

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

 

Wow, that makes me want to just run out and get married. Just so I can test 'em. "Let's see how long you can be starved, my beloved life partner..."

 

Y'know, I think I'm gonna expand my List of Strange Creatures to include married people as well as men.

 

My Point, to Gorgona: If you're thinking about getting married, DON'T DO IT. It's a death trap. You'll join the long train of Dead People Walking. "Learning to adjust" and "compromising" and "settling" are just code words for giving up all hope of a fulfilling life. Don't go there!!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Hi,

 

I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.

 

The first thing, LOVE NEVER SUBSIDES. It actually grows stronger. How so? In actually the longer we spend together and get to learn a person's habits and different sides, we learn to cope and look pass them. And this is the true aspect of love, not being able to love someone when times are good, not being able to stick by them when they hurt us, or to forgive them when they step over those boundaries of commitment, but it is inspite of these things. It is loving them when they lied to us, cheated on us, or blew our finances. It is loving them when they become old and wrinkled, taking care of them after they are physically and/or mentally unfit to tend to themselves and perform their marital functions as they once were. It is staying together when you are homeless or not all the promises come true. This is love.

 

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

 

While I don't agree that a divorce should be done so simply, but too many cases are like that. Too many people seem to either just go on autopilot thinking the marriage will take care of itself, only realizing a lot of times too late that their partner has totally disconnected and moved on. Other times a or both partners realize they can't or don't want to leave their old lives behind and their commitment becomes a weight and not a release. Still others just through lack of communication and/or interaction never grow together as one, so the next day they realize they are married to a stranger. And instead of trying to regain those connections, feel it is better to let them go. And yes I do consider it quitting without giving it a fight (and a fight requires to opponents).

 

Marriage and love has become harder today. Not because of the vows or the laws or the change in times. No, it is the change in people. The change in mindset of what is important. Too many people listening to their "single" friends and professionals who probably had bitter divorces and are on their third or forth marriage telling people not to be entwine with each other. So, there is very rarely a melding of two people into one cohesive being. We live in a fantasy world of instant self-gratification where we don't take responsibility for our own emotions; we instead place them on everyone but ourselves. If that man or woman was not making you happy, maybe it is not because they were not trying to make you happy, in their own way and capabilities, but because you could not appreciate the way they did it. There is so much unnecessary influences in marriages and it is a shame. It is as if we have lost something that was so innate to us, so that now we need someone else to validate or disprove our feelings and actions.

 

Marriage is definitely in a poor state of health today and maybe the old traditions need to be done away with. I mean, we have already redefined marriage when it comes to same sex couplings. We swear up and down spanking is wrong. Its not okay to prostitute for money, yet it is okay to work in a brothel in Las Vegas and do porn. The world complains about too much violence and crime, yet look at what we watch on t.v. and in the movies. But, to be honest, it is not a surprise to me that the state of marriage is going down the toilet bowl... Look at the state of the world and humankind and you will see why.

 

 

DNR

[soserious1]

sex. Ah, that famous question. And I think people put so much more emphasis on it than need be, because sex is NOT the be-all, end-all of a relationship, though it is if you're planning on making babies intentionally.

 

it's actually not such a horrible thing, because you learn to adjust. Sometimes kicking and screaming, with occasional flare-ups about how unfair it is to have to be the one compromising, but if the relationship is solid to begin with, you learn to make your way with little or no boinking.

 

IMO, the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...

 

ok, then that POV best be expressed well BEFORE marriage vows are exchanged. I didn't get married to live as a celibate.

[soda]

Hi,

 

I would appreciate your opinions regarding marriage and being in love. While I realize that with time that feeling of being in love subsides and gives way to more stable, mature long-lasting feelings of deeper love and respect, I don’t believe that it’s supposed to disappear permanently.

 

I guess, what I am asking is, do you think that a person who leaves a marriage because she has fallen out of love with her spouse has made a mistake? Do you think that she has given up, and could have worked to rekindle the feeling and save the marriage?

 

I think there's a naturally ebb and flow in marriage. Not every day, week, or year is going to be better than the previous. This is probably true of anything that requires a commitment (career, parenting, etc.)

 

Instant and constant gratification don't just get rained upon us. We've become conditioned to think that we should be happy all of the time but not have to put time and effort into getting there.

 

The world isn't interested in the labor pains; it just wants to see the baby.

 

Yes, I think it's a mistake to walk away from a marriage without having given one's all.

 

The world is full of people who regretted not going that extra mile to achieve something satisfying.

[J2FT1]

I think friendship and honesty are core in long-lasting marriages.

[Gorgona]

Thank you all for your thoughtful feedback.

 

I have much to say in response, and will do it as soon as I have more time

[quankanne]

As for the last part in bold..no. In my opinion one of the TRUE tests of a relationship is how well one partner is able to give the other what they truly need to feel loved and desired.

 

as I've said before, the act of sex is not the be-all end-all of a relationship. While it's the highest form of intimacy expressed in a marriage, it's not the only act of intimacy. And I think it sucks to suggest that there can be no relationship if there's no boinking going on – which is how I read a majority of the posts here – because you're not taking into account all those challenges every marriage faces at some point or another.

 

Like health issues (mental and physical), like the aging process, or even when the hormonies stop cranking out the desire to screw all the time: at some point you have to ask yourself if your relationship is more than the sex it offers. Therefore, I'll stand by my statement in which I said "the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...."

 

otherwise you're just selling said relationship short

 

I didn't get married to live as a celibate.

 

if you live as a celibate, you live in an unmarried state. I believe "chaste" is the more proper word here …

[Desperado620]

I have always used this quote about marriage, though I've long forgotten from whence it came.

 

"When you get married, you plant two vines next to each other. Throughout the years, the vines can grow two ways. They can twine into each other, growing together and making each other stronger. Or, they can grow apart, creeping along the ground and looking for something else to anchor on to."

 

Though my hubby and I haven't been married for long, we've been living together for a loooong time. At first we were like rabbits, but the longer we're together the less frequent the loving is. When it does happen, though, it's intensely sweet and tender, and means so much more than it did in the rabbit days. What gets us through, though, is understanding each other. Sometimes we go a long time without, when we're under a lot of stress or due to health issues. The key is having other things you can do together that may or may not be intimate to keep your bond strong while the sex life may not fare so well. Then, when you finally do come back together, WOWIE!!

 

Well, there's my two cents again. I'm gonna be broke by the time I'm done with this forum.

[soserious1]

As for the last part in bold..no. In my opinion one of the TRUE tests of a relationship is how well one partner is able to give the other what they truly need to feel loved and desired.

 

as I've said before, the act of sex is not the be-all end-all of a relationship. While it's the highest form of intimacy expressed in a marriage, it's not the only act of intimacy. And I think it sucks to suggest that there can be no relationship if there's no boinking going on – which is how I read a majority of the posts here – because you're not taking into account all those challenges every marriage faces at some point or another.

 

Like health issues (mental and physical), like the aging process, or even when the hormonies stop cranking out the desire to screw all the time: at some point you have to ask yourself if your relationship is more than the sex it offers. Therefore, I'll stand by my statement in which I said "the TRUE test of a relationship is how well someone can manage without sex yet still choose maintain that relationship ...."

 

otherwise you're just selling said relationship short

 

I didn't get married to live as a celibate.

 

if you live as a celibate, you live in an unmarried state. I believe "chaste" is the more proper word here …

 

I did not get married to live in a "chaste" state till the day I die.. how about the true test of a relationship being that you vow to put out on a regular basis whether you feel like it or not (barring bona fide medical issues) ?

 

I don't need a male room mate that I'm legally responsible for supporting.

[soserious1]

Wow, that makes me want to just run out and get married. Just so I can test 'em. "Let's see how long you can be starved, my beloved life partner..."

 

Y'know, I think I'm gonna expand my List of Strange Creatures to include married people as well as men.

 

My Point, to Gorgona: If you're thinking about getting married, DON'T DO IT. It's a death trap. You'll join the long train of Dead People Walking. "Learning to adjust" and "compromising" and "settling" are just code words for giving up all hope of a fulfilling life. Don't go there!!

 

As I sit here contemplating the fact that I will probably never have sex ever again and that there is no passion,joy or even fun to be had in my marriage and all that remains is most likely 30 years of duty and responsibilty while honoring my vows I have to say I agree with you.

[Lookingforward]

When you are the one always giving and the other person is just busy sucking up all your air so you can't breathe and sucking all the joy out of living for you.........then it's time to give it away and leave, because it's never going to change.