SoloTraveller Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi everyone! I'm new to the boards but I thought I'd just jump in, head first. My dilemma: I've been married for just under 1 year and have been with my husband for 7 years. My DH is a good guy except for a few things. I have to say, we are completely opposite from one another. I'm really easy going and "floaty" and he's serious and has his moments of being an easy going guy. The reason I'm frustrated with our relationship is that I'm not very good at communicating but when I try to tell him what is on my mind, he brushes me off. There have also been quite a few instances where he's called me foul names (stupid, bitch, ****ing twit, etc.) and there have been 3 instances where he's gotten physical (poked me hard enough to leave a bruise, hit my head really hard when we were on a quad trip and I was wearing a helmet, and he threw his big thermos at me...thank goodness he missed!). He also goes to anger really quickly and is just vicious. This automatically clams me up and I just want to get away from the situation (think flight or fight...). There have been a few times where I blew up at him in retailation and have called him names but only because I couldnt take it anymore. It was too much. He's also threatened me with divorce after really bad fights and has thrown his wedding band at me quite a few times. He also hates to travel and any mention of the word from me results in him telling me I have no money and should stop daydreaming. Needless to say, this crushes my soul a piece at a time. Unfortunatly, I still love him. Yes yes, I know, that doesnt make it right. I know that. I just look at our good days and think "how could I leave him?"; then the bad days come and all I can do for days after is daydream of all the things I'd do if we werent together. I just dont know what to do. He's apologized for the name calling but wont acknowledge the physical bits. He says I'm over reacting and its never "that bad". I've asked him to go to counselling but he's totally against it. There is a seminar I've signed us up for in 6 weeks that I hope will help us work on our individual selves and learn how to come together as a couple but I'm having a hard time believing he'll take this stuff to heart and see the errors in his ways. Before y'all think I'm picking on him only, I realize I'm not perfect. I'll say I'll do somethign and then not do it, I tend to forget things I said, and so forth. This drives him nuts but I've always been liek this. I want to do everything and see everything and my mind is preoccupied with a gazillion thoughts all at once. *shrug* I just dont know what to do. We've been together since I was 19 and so I'm partly feeling like th road I'm on is not the one I wanted for myself when I was younger. I feel caged and restless and I'm starting to act up. I know somethings I do on purpose to drive him crazy but in truth, I'm just really frustrated because I feel like I'm beign controlled into not having the life I always wanted for myself. I want to travel the world, try new things, see everything. He doesnt want to do those things and just wants to visit his home town once a year and thats it. Please help me out a bit! I need some outside help on our situation!! Thanks!
Lizzie60 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You need to leave this guy ASAP... you also need to tell him that next time he's being violent with you and touches you.. you'll call the police and have him charged. This is no joke.. Violent jerks have no excuses... If you don't ... and let him get away with it.. then it's YOUR fault for not putting your foot down... Sorry but if you can't put an end to this nonsense.. he won't change..
quankanne Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 'm with lizzie on this one, because the potential for more abuse is there, and if he's not interested in growing the relationship with you by going to marriage counseling, it says that he's only interested in doing things his way. And that's no good in ANY relationship. add to it the fact that you've been with this guy since you were 19, well ... it just doesn't sound very good. You're both set in ways that were initiated in your teen years, and while you see the need to grow, he doesn't, and again, that doesn't help your marriage. if he refuses to do something to help the marriage, maybe it's time to rethink your relationship with him, because it's not going to ever be better than it is right now.
Author SoloTraveller Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Thanks for your input. I've talked about this to my mum and dad (I'm really close to them) and after mentioning the physical abuse stuff, my mum told me to think real hard if I wanted to be in this situation any longer. But thinking about the situation isnt really helping me right now. I mean, I dont want to be in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical) I know that. But I dont know if my feelings of distance from DH have to do with me just being in a foul mood or if I'm really unhappy with the M. *shrugs* I dont know. I'm having such a hard time pinpointing why I'm feeling so low about us, DH, and our R. DH has been sleeping in our spare bedroom for the past few nights and tonight he said he'll sleep in our bed. I'm really worried he's going to want sex (which I'm not up for right now) and if I dont go along with it, he'll get mad, say I'm being distant and go back to the spare bedroom and sleeep there. I also called the MC and made an appointment for myself in a few days. I'm excited to finally have someone to talk to about this stuff and not just have to deal with it internally. I also called my BFF but I think she's working so its a no go on having a chat with her (and I'm bummed about that, I really want to talk with someone). I want to say something to my DH about how I'm feeling but I'm sure he'll just think I'm unhappy with him, say we should end the marriage or whatever, and storm off......or something along those lines..... *shrug* I odnt know....I'm feeling really down right now....
nleeh Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 It's time for some serious action. You summed up what you want in your post so take to heart what you said: I mean, I dont want to be in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical) I know that. Anything you said after that statement is not relevant, seriously, take what you believe, want and stated and act on it. You are worth to much to be in a relationship with anyone who is abusive and who has no intention of changing...if he even could. Best wishes, nleeh
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