EC Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hey. So I need the opinion of someone not involved in this mess. History - I have had the same best friend for about 8 years now. Since HS she has been after this douchebag. But I love her and that’s who makes her happy so I deal with it. They have been on and off the 8 years I have known her. He never really wanted her and kept her dangling. Now the tables have turned because she lost weight and looks hotter. Well no he is suppper insecure and jealous. it's getting ridiculous! To the point that her and I went to eat at Applebee’s and he didn't believe that's where she was so he sent a friend to come in and spy on us. He is majoring in psychology and is always playing minds games with her making her feel guilty for things she shouldn't. Anyway in the 8 years I have known her we have only had one argument which lasted 6 months of me not speaking to her and it was because of him. ( Which brings me to the current situation. I'm a party girl and I admit it. I like to go out, flirt have fun. All in moderation of course. But her bf doesn't like when she goes out with me ( or anyone for that matter to anywhere. He gets jealous of her spending time with her brother) but anyway I am a party girl but I admit and everyone knows and it really bugs me when other people are fake and try to give off a saint image. ) So her birthday she wanted to go all out. We went to a club, and she had the best night. We danced with all of our friends and had drinks and it was all in all a great night. Until she had too much and got sick. She threw up and had to be escorted out. she doesn't mention this to her bf because she doesn't want him to view her "that way" so she lies and said she had a good time and that's it. Another friend of mine leaves a comment on my myspace saying what a great time we had even though someone had to be carried out of the club. she didn't even mention her name. well my friend calls me up screaming that i had to delete the comment or put my page on private ASAP because he would be able to read it and she doesn't want him to find out. I got angry and refused and now I feel bad. I mean on top of the fact this guy hates me, and I hate him, now I have to screen MY messages and put MY page on private (which I don't want to) in order for them not to fight. Ugh! I wouldn't be so upset but this is the 5th message I have had to delete and 3rd picture I have had to crop or delete from my page so that he wont see it. It's ridiculous! But she is a good friend and I don't know what she’s thinking because I have never been in her shoes and I really don't want to see her upset or argue with her over something so simple. Am I wrong for refusing to take down the comment?
Ronni_W Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Am I wrong for refusing to take down the comment? I can't see how that comment added any value or insight into the general picture of your club experience, so it wouldn't have been a big deal for me to remove it to save my friend some aggro. But it sounds like there is a lot of resentment that's been building up, which could be clouding how you're seeing the boundary between 'Friend' and 'Partner of Friend' -- just a guess.
konfuzd Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 This is far from "controlling your life". If your life is based on what you can post on a social networking site, you have a sad, sad life. If you were a true friend to this girl, the bigger issue would be why she's in a toxic relationship, and why she holds on to a manipulative man. This should be far more important than your right to share party pictures and stories in a public domain.
Author EC Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 This is far from "controlling your life". If your life is based on what you can post on a social networking site, you have a sad, sad life. If you were a true friend to this girl, the bigger issue would be why she's in a toxic relationship, and why she holds on to a manipulative man. This should be far more important than your right to share party pictures and stories in a public domain. I was upset when I posted but I didn't mean literally controlling my life. Trust me we have gone on and on about the bigger issue. She claims she will leave him and that his manipulation and jealousy drives her crazy and yet she continues to run to him. she fights with me and other friends about him, then defends him to the death afterwards. Then after all the drama, she claims she loves him but then cheats on him sometimes. I guess whoever wrote that it's pent up fustration is right. It's driving me nuts. also the comment wasn't just saying that..it was a nice comment re-capping our night and it had pictures and it was very cute and I really don't want to have to take the whole comment down because of one sentence. I guess a part of me taking it down makes me feel as if Im okay with his manipulative behavior. I don't want to reinforce the way she jumps at his every eyebrow raise about her and what she does. I feel if I take it down it will justify his behavior and it's not okay. does that make sense?
konfuzd Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I do understand where you are coming from. It is very frustrating to watch someone you care about being treated badly, and putting up with an SO you can't stand. Your respect for your friend must trump your distaste for the guy. It's a good opportunity to reinforce the fact that he is meddling in her life. You have to face the fact that she won't leave this guy until she is ready. If you fight her on small issues, it's only going to put a wedge between you two, to no gain. I think you should talk to her about the reason she doesn't want the pictures up, and let her know it hurts you that he is preventing her from taking pride in the great girl she is and a real man would accept her for who she is, and not force her to hide innocent behavior.
tanbark813 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I feel if I take it down it will justify his behavior and it's not okay. I can see that. I don't think it's necessarily wrong in this instance that you delete the comment if your friend asked. You could say it's wrong because of the quoted part above, but on the other hand you could say it's right in that you're being loyal to your friend. However, regardless of what you do now the issue is going to remain. If she has to hide what she does when she goes out then it will either be this comment or some other incident in the future that does her in, so to speak. The bigger problem is the lack of trust and honesty between her and her bf, not to mention the bf's insecurities. Why wasn't the bf invited to her bday celebration? That seems odd to me.
Author EC Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I can see that. I don't think it's necessarily wrong in this instance that you delete the comment if your friend asked. You could say it's wrong because of the quoted part above, but on the other hand you could say it's right in that you're being loyal to your friend. However, regardless of what you do now the issue is going to remain. If she has to hide what she does when she goes out then it will either be this comment or some other incident in the future that does her in, so to speak. The bigger problem is the lack of trust and honesty between her and her bf, not to mention the bf's insecurities. Why wasn't the bf invited to her bday celebration? That seems odd to me. He was invited. They have an LDR at the moment. They were broken up previous to her birthday. The weekend before her birthday after stringing her along for a month not sure if he wanted to work things out, he called her up and told her to come DRIVE to him (2 hours ) so that they could talk. She of course ran and decided to work things out. Again. Then he found out about our plans for her birthday and put his foot down and our original plans changed dramatically. I'm suprised she even went. Then he told her he would like to have dinner with her and I and another friend so that we could claer the air and see hes not so bad. Yea right his jedi mind tricks won't work with me and it's going to take more than a fettucini alfredo to erase how I feel about him. BUT w/e I know..Im rambling. I decided to delete the comment. I will in a bit. I hate that I will but thats the guy she wants so I have to deal if I do want her friendship.
saraispiel19 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 what a loser. He offers the girl nothing but heartache and headaches. Thankgod she has a friend like you though... she'll wake up one day (hopefull he doesn't convince her to have a baby with him..i really hope so). Talking to her about breaking up will just upset her and well like you said defend him, so all you can do is wait really until she realizes what a dumbass he is.
kiki30 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 This dude, sounds like the guy I thought was my best friend. It is actually quite scary the similarities and he too, specializes in psychology! Oh man, steer clear from anyone in the psych field especially those with control issues. Ladies are you listening I wish your friend all the best, but it sounds like she is caught in a viscious cycle...and he will continue to do so as long as she is in a relationship with her. I am not only making the realization that my ex friend was manipulating me he is also manipulating his girlfriend - i was part of the game unwittingly. I would get her a book ... there is one on emotional intelligience by coleman... maybe she will read it and get the picture... this is not just unique to him, there is a whole personality disorder dedicated to freaks like him. check out the book for real.
Beaches Posted August 1, 2008 Posted August 1, 2008 It sounds like no matter how you feel towards him your bf is not going to leave him. This is a hard one...you're stuck between your life and your bf's life. First things first, you can't stop what you're doing and who you are for a guy that means nothing to you. The only person you have to care for is your friend. If she chooses to be with him than she has to understand if you step back a little. I'm not saying to stop being friends...no guy is worth loosing a friend however, you cannot allow her decisions in life affect you when you have done nothing wrong. His issues with trust have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. If there is cheating from both sides..that's a loose/loose situation..no matter what you do there will never be trust in the relationship. Try to not hurt your bf's feelings and explain to her how you feel and that you are there for her but don't agree. I had a friend who was with a guy who didn't appreciate her and lied to her all the time but you know what...she had to learn on her own. Being in the relationship it's hard to see outside the box. Your mind and heart are on two separate places. You tend to think no one else will love you and that is not true. If you ask me, if it didn't work the first time...it's not going to work the other 20 times. Hope this helps.
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