D-Lish Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I had a couple dates with a guy last December, but it was around the same time I met my now ex....so I didn't continue hanging out with this other guy. We've remained friends, which was easy to do for me because nothing ever happened between us to make it awkward. He's never made it much of a secret to me that he wanted more than a friendship- but I always made it clear to him that I only wished to be friends. After I broke up with my ex in January- he started coming after me again. I live in a bigger city- but the community I live in is rather close knit. People hang out in the same places, and you always know someone who knows someone... So I end up running into this guy frequently. He also lives two blocks away from me, so he comes by my place to try and hang out, or he passes by my courtyard when I am outside with my dogs and comes in to chat. Sometimes I can't get rid of him!! Anyhow, to describe him a bit- he's in a band (big reason why I decided not to date him)- and he always has girls hanging off of him- and anytime I have been out with him, there are always a few girls present that he has dated or slept with. He is a bit of a player... So as much as he is a fun and interesting guy- I just don't return his feelings, and I never will. To the guilt trip... He showed up annanounced 2 weeks ago all upset. He said his dad has cancer and that they discovered it too late and now give him a poor prognosis for survival. So his dad is going through chemo and my friend is having a really rough time. The cancer tradgedy has been an excuse for numerous emails, msn conversations, random drop by's and 3am phone calls. Of course I indulge him in conversation about it- because I care about people and I hate to see someone go through this. I wish to be his friend- but he is using this an an excuse to get close to me romantically. I don't know how to handle it. I couldn't imagine being in the same position and having someone blow me off harshly! Yesterday I went to the beach with a bunch of friends. I drove, so I was sober- but two of my guy friends were pretty bombed. I came back from being in the water and my friend was talking on my phone.... to Rocker guy. He had called and my friend picked it up- and when I came back they were having a fight on the phone and my friend told the rocker to leave me alone because I wasn't interested. I know my friend thought he was doing me a favour- but it wasn't his place to say such a thing. And I had told him it was ok to pick up my phone because I am waiting for a call back from a job I interviewed for. Apparantly Rock band guy immediately started in on my friend wanting to know who he was and being combative with him... just a big stupid mess that ended up with my friend telling him to leave me alone and hanging up on him. Sorry this is so long. I feel wretchid about this now. The dude that picked up my phone is a good friend of my brother- so he is very protective of me, and thinks I am being manipulated.... But I just don't see how you can let someone down easily when they are dealing with a parent dying. We spent a lot of time talking about it yesterday at the beach- and most of the guys think it's best to cut off ties completely, even if it seems harsh. I called the rock band guy last night and apologized for my friend- but also told him he was inappropriate for going off on my friend just for answering my phone. I went over my feelings with him again- told him I just wanted to be friends... and he isn't getting it. Instead of saying "okay"... he is always asking "but why"... and forcing me to go over WHY I don't want to date him. That was on top of being insanely jealous that I had been at the beach with guys. I'm so spent over this. What would you guys do in a situation like this? Do I actually have to cut him off and stop having contact with him when he is going through such a hard time? Am I being manipulated, or is he just in need of comfort, and I should therefore be forgiving some of his overzealous advances and behaviour? I just couldn't imagine what he is going through, and I feel so bad. But I want to establish this friend boundary. I've been firm- and I have been consistent... but it's not sinking in even a little bit. Advice please...
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 D, you're not establishing boudaries at all. If you just want to be friends, you need to be much stricter in regards to his behavior. No friend would call someone at 3 in morning, I wouldn't even do that to any guy that I like. Stop picking up the phone, and if you must then give him a specific time because you need your beauty sleep. And in regards to his father developing cancer, that's really none of your business. You can feel sympathy for him, but he has no right to start bombarding you with calls and emails just to vent. He has other friends and family members for that. And his behavior is questionable. If you continue on like this, I'm afraid he might start stalking you. He seems unstable in regards to his feelings for you, and if need be, you might need to file a report with the police.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 D, you're not establishing boudaries at all. I completely agree. You tend to have a really hard time establishing boundaries, D. You let them wear you down until you give in. Simply stop picking up the phone. He'll find someone else to lean on.
JP77 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Threaten him with a restraining order and tell him that, that nice man who answered the phone will pay him a visit, if he doesn't leave alone. Tell him, you'd rather be a lesbian than go out with him. Be mean, be nasty and live life free and easy.
BannaBee57 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I have this problem sometimes as well. My issue is that if I'm too friendly and take an interest in their life then it can be deemed "flirting". So, I really have to watch how I react to a guy that I'm just friends with and have some clear boundaries. Don't let the deal with his dad make you feel obligated to drop everything just to lend an ear. I'm sure he has several other friends or family members he can talk to about what he's feeling. It'll be hard to stop this behavior because you've already set a precedence, but you could start by not answering his 3am phone calls and let him know that you were sleeping. I agree that going off on your friend at the beach was inappropriate. If there was a question in my mind about him, that alone would turn me off. I have no patients for jealousy.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You need to either walk away, or revisit your boundaries and put some distance between you guys. The more you continue to respond to him, the longer he will continue. Unfortunately for some people, irrespective of the words which come out of your mouth, it's the actions which support them, which will feed their desire. The less you respond, the less he has to work with.
Author D-Lish Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Yes, I have a pattern of being unable to establish boundaries. I always feel intensely horrible about hurting people- even when they cause me angst. And this guy is causing me angst right now. I think that is why I get these people that push themselves on me... I have the same pattern happening over and over again. Late night calls, more than one ex that randomly show up on my doorstep. And it's my fault- I know I enable it. In the past I had to report one guy to the police- and actually had to get a restaining order against a police officer I went on ONE date with and then blew him off because he was such an arrogant jerk.... He too started sitting in front of my building while ON DUTY, sending me flowers, buzzing my apt, leaving notes on my car! I had been ignoring rocker guy until he told me about the cancer situation- and then I let him creep back into my life again because I felt sorry for him. I feel bad for people, and i know I let them manipulate me as a result of that. I post similar stories about this- precisely because it is a problem with me being able to put a stop to the manipulation. I rationalize that telling someone I am not interested in them IS establishing a boundary- but you're right, it's not following through when I let them back into my life by answering my buzzer or picking up the phone. I've just never felt so crappy about having to cut someone out of my life when his dad is dying. It makes me feel like I am being a bad person.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 D - in the long run, you're actually being kinder to the person to just be straight and honest with them. You've tried that, he hasn't heard you. There is no wrong in making yourself heard and ensuring he sees your actions as intended. If you must, inform him directly that you will not answer calls, emails, msn messages etc. If he's informed, he can't feel bad when you don't respond, because you will have informed him that's what would occur. That would be kinder than fading I agree. But the key for you is following up on your word with concrete consistent actions. The only reason these people are able to do what they do, is because you allow it. Stop allowing it to happen. You're a good person and you deserve to have your space and time respected. Just the same as anyone else. Just because a guy doesn't get what he wants, doesn't make you a bad person.
Author D-Lish Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 I think it's definetely a vibe I give off that gives people the impression that I am vulnerable to manipulation. I get this with women too... I have had girls latch onto me and suck the kindness out of me in the past. I had a friend call me while I was at work once and beg me to drive two hours to pick her up because her car broke down and she didn't want to sit in the truck with the tow truck driver.... so I closed up my store and drove to get her- and we followed the tow truck driver back to the dealership. I didn't want to close up my store to go get her- especially when she had a ride available with the tow truck- but I also know that she knew if she asked me...I would do it. And of course, I did. I know this guy has lots of friends and family he can turn to during this time... and I can't be his therapist. I just have to stop feeling guilty to the point of letting people walk all over me- I do that too much. I am at the point now where as much as I feel sorry for him- I really resent him for pushing me so much. Because yeah- he isn't hearing me when I say I want nothing more than friendship...
Author D-Lish Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 You need to either walk away, or revisit your boundaries and put some distance between you guys. The more you continue to respond to him, the longer he will continue. Unfortunately for some people, irrespective of the words which come out of your mouth, it's the actions which support them, which will feed their desire. The less you respond, the less he has to work with. Yes, agreed. I have told him I couldn't continue to be friends via email. I told him if he can't respect my wishes about just being friends, I can't continue to speak with him. I also laid out my concern about his way of dealing with my friend and that it was further proof that hanging out is a bad idea for both of us. At least I am moving in a week- so the dropping by unannounced will no longer happen. I am getting pretty sick of people dropping by randomly without asking. My freakin buzzer is so loud- it shakes my place when people buzz up. It just pisses me off- when someone drops by without asking if it's ok- I hate being put on the spot like that. My ex did that after I broke up with him and tried to go NC... I wouldn't talk to him so he would just come by whenever he felt like it and lay on my buzzer until I answered. Thank gawd I am moving- that's all I can say.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Thank gawd I am moving- that's all I can say. Yes, that guy is a loser. He thinks by trying to make himself sound vulnerable it will make you desire him. Well that works with dumb girls... I'm glad you wont fall for it. Make sure he doesn't stay in contact after the move.
Yamaha Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 You want just friendship and he wants more. This will never work. You can't be his friend because he doesn't want just friendship. He will continue until you let him know you can't be friends. You can't force someone to be friends just because it is what you want. You should have cut it off when you knew he wanted more than friendship. You are not doing him a favor by being nice and not hurting his feelings. Let him go so he can find someone who does want more than friendship.
Author D-Lish Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 You want just friendship and he wants more. This will never work. You can't be his friend because he doesn't want just friendship. He will continue until you let him know you can't be friends. You can't force someone to be friends just because it is what you want. You should have cut it off when you knew he wanted more than friendship. You are not doing him a favor by being nice and not hurting his feelings. Let him go so he can find someone who does want more than friendship. Oh I've told him... I'm guessing I have probably told him about 20 times. I told him when we went out back in December that there could never be anything more than friendship. He agreed to that then and was cool about it for a while. It was the e-mail he sent about being so distraught about his dad that yanked at my emotions- it was just something I felt I couldn't not acknowledge.
Yamaha Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Oh I've told him... I'm guessing I have probably told him about 20 times. I told him when we went out back in December that there could never be anything more than friendship. He agreed to that then and was cool about it for a while. It was the e-mail he sent about being so distraught about his dad that yanked at my emotions- it was just something I felt I couldn't not acknowledge. If you spend 1 on 1 time with him he will think he has a chance. If you do it alot he will think you are a couple. Guys don't spend 1 on 1 time with a girl that they just like as a friend ( unless you have known each other for years ).
Prodigal Princess Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Just a thought, but really - who knows if his dad even has cancer, it could be a lie he concocted so that you would stay in touch with him. Ive had 2 guys lie about pretty horrible stuff in order to get the sympathy vote from me, and an ex-friend who made up a whole disorder for my continued attention. Just thought I'd put it out there, as the possibility that he's lying, or at least exaggerating, could help with your guilt.
Lookingforward Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 okay, here's my take.........Anyhow, to describe him a bit- he's in a band (big reason why I decided not to date him)- and he always has girls hanging off of him- and anytime I have been out with him, there are always a few girls present that he has dated or slept with. He is a bit of a player.. and you DON'T want him..............he's having major ego deflation......if you took a sudden interest he'd drop you like a hot potato......you'd be just "one of the chicks that think he's fantastic" - yesterday's news.....
Balthazar Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 D, you know that you can't be friends with a guy who has a sexual interest. Imagine sitting on a couch, talking about some matter or other. You are trying to enjoy the conversation while he is just thinking of how to get you in bed. Furthermore, the more you stress the friendship, the more he wants to bone you. In such cases, I tend to be brutally honest. Just flat out tell him to stop bugging you. Tell him that you can be there for him as a friend, but nothing more. If he doesn't respect that, then you can't be friends either. If he continues, you have to cut him off completely. Be careful, you don't want to end up with a stalker on your hands! Cheers,
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