rsm Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 My wife of 9 years is considering divorce. We have 2 kids and have been together 13 years. I have accepted the fact that I was not a good husband (but a good provider) for most of the 9 years and have tried for the past 3 years to make it up. She claims to still love me but is leaning more towards leaving than staying but still feels there is a possibility for hope. As of now she sit squarely on the fence unable to go one way or the other. Our dating years were mostly good, but there were signs of my problem, possessiveness. I know that I was controlling now but at the time it just seemed like the normal thing young people experience. I would get upset if she went out with her friends. This carried into our married life. It got to the point that she would just avoid doing things just to not have to deal with me. This wasn’t an everyday type thing but often enough that she began to feel “caged”. That brings us up to about 3 years ago when she felt she was done, finished with us. She saw a divorce lawyer at the time but couldn’t go through with it, I only recently learned this. I went to therapy and worked on some stuff and felt I was getting a hold of things. We were at a point that I thought was ok for her. I felt my control issues were in check, I did have a few flare ups but it was more due to bad communication that jealousy/ possessiveness. For her the issue was never resolved. Her anger at me is as intense as it has ever been, despite 3 years of me trying to adapt to the issue. She told me that she had one foot out the door the whole time. So we really never had a chance. That brings us up to today. We came to a crossroads about 6 weeks ago, sort of out of the blue but things did lead up to it. She feels “caged” and wants to feel free. She says its not for dating or finding new love. She wants to feel like she can be herself without worrying about what I think. She says she still loves me and she is still attracted to me. She has said she doesn’t want a divorce. We have had the “what ifs” discussions and even though I would be devastated I feel I would be able to do it the right way, no games, keep the kid best interests a priority. She is the same, I think we could both be very fair about a split. That’s where we are. Now my problem. I love her, this is the last thing I want for us. I know there is nothing in the world I can do or say will make her feel any different. Her problem is she can’t get herself to want to try again, but she can’t say it’s over either. Communication was always an issue, but, in the past week we have had more open communication that we have ever had. I went so far as to say if we could have talked like we do now 4-5 years ago we wouldn’t be here, she agreed. We are communicating I a way I have always wanted. She even said she was working on trying to forgive me for the past (on her own not therapists yet). We really can’t even consider MC until she figures out if she wants to try. We thought about trial separation but it didn’t seem financially practical. We get along fine at home with the kids. We have been talking about everything very openly (not in front of the kids) and even joke about the changes if we split. All I can do is wait and give her space. I told her I won’t make anymore romantic gestures since that won’t help anything and leave it to her if she wants affection. She’ll lay in my lap to watch TV or let me know if she wants to be held in bed. I think I have a handle on giving her space. I am a wreck, lost weight, anxiety, depression the works. I just want to know which way we are going but don’t want to force it to where she pick the worst case. Has anyone been here? Can she be herself in this marriage? Is there any hope to turn things around or is the damage already done?
Ronni_W Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I can understand it is tough for her to make a decision to STAY with someone towards whom she feels so much anger. But that doesn't excuse that she's not doing anything to make herself mentally ready to make a decision, any decision. An individual therapist will help her come to realization that, while you may have put her in what she felt is a "cage", SHE is the one who chose to stay there, maybe not consciously but she had responsibility to stand up for herself once she got the first inkling of that feeling of being "caged". Her anger is only going to dissipate once she takes HER 100% responsibility for HER part in that whole "caged/controlled" dynamic. Somewhere in your post, you said that your "flare-ups" are more about communication than your controlling/possessive tendencies. That is also not taking YOUR 100% of responsibility in this whole dynamic. How it likely comes across is, "Oh, there he goes again...He's not seeing what he's doing...He's in denial...He's blaming it on communication...HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP ME IN THAT FRICKIN' CAGE!!! Why would I want to stay? But I don't want to go, either." You do deserve for her to make up her mind, one way or the other. Possibly it is about helping her decide what information and mental attitude she needs to do that, instead of, at this point, focusing on the actual/specific decision that she will make whenever she makes it? Regardless, it is tough on the both of you. Sending good wishes that it gets sorted out sooner than later.
Author rsm Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Somewhere in your post, you said that your "flare-ups" are more about communication than your controlling/possessive tendencies. That is also not taking YOUR 100% of responsibility in this whole dynamic. How it likely comes across is, "Oh, there he goes again...He's not seeing what he's doing...He's in denial...He's blaming it on communication...HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP ME IN THAT FRICKIN' CAGE!!! Why would I want to stay? But I don't want to go, either." Your right, It is the same behavior and I am sure you right about the way she sees it. I know it's to late to change the past but I feel I can change the behavior. I think i have come a long way from 3 years ago but she can't trust that I can keep changing and that I will stay that way. The only way to prove that is with time and consistency, but I may not get that time. Can someone get past that kind of anger?
quankanne Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I think it's possible, but you need the proper tools to set forgiveness in motion. And in your wife's case, counseling could very well provide her those tools. It's not saying that one of you is right and the other is wrong, or about throwing in the towel, but rather finding the resources you need to move forward. Because ideally, counseling helps you by giving you those tools needed to communicate. you're headed in the right direction by learning how to talk more openly with each other, but help from an outside source just might help put things in perspective. And marriage counseling should never, ever be considered a last-ditch effort to repair a relationship, but considered a tool to help improve what you have, whether there are problems or no. And this help can be in the form of seeing a counsellor, getting involved in a marriage-building program or even workshops/retreats that help you to focus solely on y'alls relationship. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: the weekend retreat my husband and I went on nearly 10 years ago was the best thing that could ever happen to us, and hubby will tell you up front ... and he's can be a very stubborn little redneck! best of luck to the both of you, and don't give up – it ain't over til the fat lady sings, and from the looks of it, she's nowhere near ready to sing!
Author rsm Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Thanks for the glimmer of hope. I guess I'm wondering if I am reading to much into the positive things she says and does. I hope we can get counseling but until she says she's ready I can't do anything.
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Interesting...there are tons of flags in what you wrote to make me wonder if your possiveness isn't justified. It honestly sounds to me like she's been cheating at various points...when she had that "one foot out the door" already. There are some classic signs of that in her actions as you've described.
Author rsm Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Owl, interesting you should mention that. There was a questionable friendship that was mixed up in everything 3 years ago. That sort of brought the "controlling/ possessive" thing forward more than ever. However, i think that we resolved it and I have to believe that nothing happened and it was just friends. I think she was sort of punishing me for her feeling controlled by keeping a male friend hidden from me. I don't want to sound naive but I think she was trying to exert her independence in the wrong way. I know anything is possible but I lies haven't been a big part of our relationship over the years.
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Well, I can tell you from my own personal experience...the only time I've heard "controlling" from my wife was during her emotional affair with a guy that she met on the internet...and was all set to fly away and live with. Note that the times that she's throwing that out seem to coincide with that friendship...any other 'questionable friendships' going on right now that could have caused this most recent flareup?
Author rsm Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Not that I am aware of, but i'll admit I am suspicious. I don't know if it's because I am naturally suspicious or the situation.
Haloandhorns85 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Why suddenly go for the "she's having an affair" excuse? To me, that's not taking responsibility for your actions either. That's blaming her for your possessiveness. I have a dear friend who's man did nearly the same thing. They were great for the first year. Then, slowly out came his controlling possessive traits. He had to know where she was at all times. Everytime we were out...even just getting our nails done...he called about every thirty minutes to "make sure" she was ok. Whatever...he was checking up on her...not trusting her. And of course, he blamed it on her. He said he had "suspisions" about her going out with me because we also worked together and because we were friends with some of the guys we worked with. And let me tell you, she was my best friend....she absolutely was not cheating on him. You need to re-examine yourself and why you have trust issues to begin with. Don't automatically assume just because she had one foot out the door the whole time that she was cheating on you. Sounds to me more like she was trying to protect herself. What men don't realize is that when a woman sees possessiveness in a man...it is pretty scary. The thought is, What is he going to do next? There are plenty of men out there that go from being controlling husbands to wife-beating bastards in a matter of a few months, regardless of how long you've known them! The way I see it, she was trying to protect herself in the event you took the possessive controlling issue to the next level. And also...perhaps maybe she thought you may have been having an affair! Normally, my first thought when a man starts accusing a woman of infedelity and needing to know what's going on every single moment of her life,...I'd start wondering if he is paranoid she is going to do the same to him, since it was so easy for him to conceal from her! So just because she had one foot out the door doesn't mean she was having an affair. There are plenty of other reasons why she may have felt the need to be ready to run if she had to. If you must...just ask her. At this point in your relationship, I see no reason why she would lie to you. Assuming she did only makes you look worse to her and certainly doesn't help your trust issues.
Author rsm Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 Haloandhorns85 I did not imply there was there was an affair, the previous poster did. I am trusting my wife, I just mentioned that I had suspicions. For the record I have not been as bad as your friends experience. I agree completely that I have to figure out why i am like that. I have never cheated on my wife and have never and would never harm her physically. I do appreciate your passion about the subject.
Haloandhorns85 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Haloandhorns85 I did not imply there was there was an affair, the previous poster did. I am trusting my wife, I just mentioned that I had suspicions. For the record I have not been as bad as your friends experience. I agree completely that I have to figure out why i am like that. I have never cheated on my wife and have never and would never harm her physically. I do appreciate your passion about the subject. That's good, I'm glad to hear you haven't been as bad as my friend's husband. And also that you have not cheated or abused her. Very good to hear! I'm sorry if I came off as accusatory, as I was just making a point to why she may have been on the edge of leaving. A woman's mind is completely different than a man's so I was just trying to give you and the other poster insight into a woman's thinking when it involves controlling possessiveness. However, IMO, having suspicions means you have some trust issues with her, maybe on a sub-conscious level. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe a self-help book about getting to know yourself and underlying issues may be of some help to you if individual couseling is not an option. In any case, I'd say that marriage counseling would be a huge benefit to your relationship. Even if you two choose to end the marriage even with the marriage counseling, at least you will have tried. In addition, you will have a lil bit more knowledge about the dynamics of a healthy marriage...and maybe with that knowledge you will have a lil more of an edge to make the next relationship work. Good luck!
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