renaissancewoman101 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 This thread is somewhat the background: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t156656/ I'm not sure how to cope with this since I'm afraid this may truly be the end where I will not hear from him again. No, I have not contacted him, no email, calls or whatever. Since that email, I've pulled away. I've been busy doing things. I start up my pottery class again this Tues. I have some SCA things I am involved in. I go for walks, go hang out with my parents, stuff like that. And yet I feel empty and scared inside, scared that I will never be graced again with his presence, his words, his voice. He put up with my strangeness and weirdness, and after our little "pseudo-relationship", he stayed my friend, put up with my clinginess, stuff like that. And he put up with my insistence at hanging out, chatting with him, stuff like that. He listened most of the time. I tried to be there for him, I really did, I don't think he wanted that. I dunno. Now it is gone, no phone calls to look forward to, someone to chat with, stuff like that. No knowing how he's doing, how he's faring, stuff like that. I do things, work, hang out with my other friends, go shopping, see the parents, and yet, I feel like a part of me is gone, with his departure. His email scared me, like the final nailing of a coffin, like he will never speak to me again. I dunno. Last time I pissed him off to where he wanted to cut friendship, I talked to him and got him to agree to retry the friendship a few months down the road. And I gave him the space, even though it killed. I actually went out, did things, dated, stuff like that, hoping to meet someone else to help me get over him. Ran into some real dud dates, which hurt me terribly. He knew about the dud dates, felt bad for me, and eventually we started talking again and he was willing to work on friendship again. Now there is nothing, since there is no good words, promises, with that email. I move on, do other things, but feel empty. I probably should have tried to talk to him after getting that email. We might have been able to come to a compromise. I'm willing to compromise. But not sure what there is left to compromise. I feel boxed into a corner. Like he has removed every hope there is. He once told me that "over the years that he has known me, I have come to grow on him, that he looks out for me and wants the best for me". If I had grown on him and become a fixture, why toss me away. I will move on, I hope. It hurts, since this time I don't see any hope. I tried as hard as I could to make this friendship work. I have been able, in the past, to make a friendship with an ex work out. And I DO believe ex's CAN be friends and do make GOOD friends. Then why not this one? I cried today a bit, while driving home from parents. I just feel empty. I don't want to close the book on this one. He is too good of a guy to let go, really. I feel like I'm the one who led this to its demise and I am angry at myself over this. I cannot see him as being the one who did wrong. I dunno.
pinkrazr Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 it takes two to tango. and it seems to me, he gets close and then backs off at every stupid chance. how heartbreaking ugh. Feelings SUCK! I'd just let him do his thing. if he doesnt call anymore, or whatever. why put your whole life for him. hes got to give back too. dont always blame yourself for all goings on. (i'm notorious for that, and i've lost many nights sleep). its dead air. Show that your independent. sometimes people like us are easily pushed around, and we always blame ourselves. horrible habit to have, Just know you arent alone. I know those feelings all too well
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 thanks!, but we haven't had a "relationship" in any sense for about three years. We've stayed friends and have had a friendship. I still don't know/understand what led to the email from him, except maybe my phone calls were getting a bit too clingy and emotional. I try not to self-blame, but I think he gave me a chance from last year when we almost ended the friendship over my clinginess and stuff, and then I blow it again. I tried hard not to, but then I just enjoyed talking to him every week, and sometimes the pauses in our conversations were too hurtful and I started to get the idea that he didn't want to open up to me anymore or tell me about his life, so, in order to keep the connection going, I started to emoitionally "dump" on him because I knew he cared about me and it was a way to connect. It led to the email instead:( I do want to talk to him again and see if we can work this out AGAIN! But I'm afraid, afraid he wont listen to my call, won't call me back, answer my email, etc. I want to reach out and ask "please, forgive me". I am trying to be more independent by taking art classes, finding stuff that makes me feel better, develops my hobbies, etc., and he knew that and he was very much supportive and happy that I was going off to find things to better myself. I do want to meet another guy soon. Sometimes I wish I had met someone last year when he and I didn't talk to each other for four months. It probably would have made the friendship easier to keep alive.
pinkrazr Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 well you openly addressed the problem right here. why dont you send an email to him. and express what you just said? if you havent already. tell him your real clingy feelings, how your yourself know what your doing to push him away. if you address the problem. he might give you a chance to show you know what your doing wrong, and you want to fix it. I know how the insecure clingy feeling is. its awful. and we dont feel very good in the end. I was always constantly crying and talking and always always talking. sometimes deep conversations to keep them on the line. its exhausting on both parties. and it pushes them away. only because you can only be there for someone so much, you want him to be there for you for the right reasons. happy reasons! be open with him. really open. what else do you have to lose right? this could be a gain!
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