laylan Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi everyone, im posting this again hoping to get some response. thank you for your time. this is a question about how to take steps in relationship. i had a conversation about marriage in general with bf for the first time after about a year of pretty good exclusive relationship. came to this stage VERY slowly. he joked about marriage saying its ridiculous out of nowhere in a random moment so i had to make sure what his views really are and had mine clear. i told him having children is very important to me and i have to know im dating someone i can see that happening with. then he said he he's all for marriage and want children but just not this week and don't want to rush into it. i know i want it in a few years but don't need to start all that now. i'm pretty happy as is but kind of scared of the idea that it might be a dead end relationship...! ugh im almost 25 and the bf is 36. he is generally a very private person. doesn't seem to want to talk about it. so, what do you think would be a good approach to this? should i leave this talk and not bring up again anytime soon? some people say i should move on because it doesn't sound like he will go to that stage. what do you think?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 When do you want to get married by? IF not any time soon, then there's no need to bring it up, but you have to let him know that it's part of your criteria in a relationship. If he says we'll see, then give the relationship time. But if he doesn't want a marriage in the future AT ALL, then better start hurting now rather than long term commitment with further hurt in the future.
Author laylan Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 hi, thanks for your response Papercut, well im thinking in a few years, i'd like to see engagement and marriage happen to me. im not in a rush, noone should be. but like i said in the post, i'm scared of it being a DEAD-END relationship. if he's not ready now, fine. we can talk about it next year or so, but im not sure how to go about it.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 hi, thanks for your response Papercut, well im thinking in a few years, i'd like to see engagement and marriage happen to me. im not in a rush, noone should be. but like i said in the post, i'm scared of it being a DEAD-END relationship. if he's not ready now, fine. we can talk about it next year or so, but im not sure how to go about it. You can't really predict the future. You follow your instincts. He's already explained that he's not ready for marriage as of yet, so then you should just give him some time. Enjoy your time being together rather than worry about whether you'll eventually tie the knot. And you've said so yourself that you might marry in a few years, so what's wrong with putting the problem aside, and bringing it up later on? Rushing and worrying will only sour what you have now. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he will come through, but if you really don't want to put up with the waiting, then you'll have to consider whether you truly want to be with him or not. Just don't give him an ultimatum. Guys don't respond well to them.
trubella Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 he joked about marriage saying its ridiculous out of nowhere in a random moment so i had to make sure what his views really are and had mine clear. curious, but has he been engaged or married before? jmo but i think waiting a year to bring up this topic may not have been the best idea. i always want to know where a guy stands on M and Kids when it gets serious. so if his view of things doesnt match up with what i want i know its pretty much a wrap. why wait another year to bring up this topic again-theres nothing wrong with wanting to talk about it, not like your asking him to plan a wedding and buy a tux, you just want to know its an option for the future. im almost 25 and the bf is 36. he is generally a very private person. doesn't seem to want to talk about it. seems like you two have different views, hes avoiding talking about it further, it should be open for discussion. after a year of dating i think you deserve to know where he stands on this. dont want to waste another year or two with someone who doesnt want to marry down the line.
Author laylan Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Hi, thanks for your response. so, granted i deserve to want to talk about it by now, do you have any idea on approaching to this subject EFFECTIVELY? i obviously don't want to mess it up by coming off too strong, needy, or desperate. because if he's someone that's truly right for me(which i'm not TOO sure as of yet), i'd be willing to wait for no more than 3 years.
trubella Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Hi, thanks for your response. so, granted i deserve to want to talk about it by now, do you have any idea on approaching to this subject EFFECTIVELY? i obviously don't want to mess it up by coming off too strong, needy, or desperate. because if he's someone that's truly right for me(which i'm not TOO sure as of yet), i'd be willing to wait for no more than 3 years. not so sure of a good way to approach this. my trick was aways asking the "where do you see yourself in 5 yrs plan?" question lol. i asked my bf this shortly after we became exclusive to see if his future plans included M and kids, which his response did *sigh of relief* i guess its kindof a passive way to get your answer without them feeling like your trying to push them to the alter. you could just casually ask when your lounging around talking about different things what his future plans are without bringing up the M word, i'd let him bring it up. unless youve already asked. or you could go this route, while your talking "No pressure, but I'm kind of curious about what you are thinking about the future. Do you think you'll ever get married?" but i try to avoid using the M word as much as possible.
Recommended Posts