What do I do now?

[anne1707]

I originally posted this message in another forum but have been advised it might be more appropriate here. I think that might be the case as at least one reply was just purely critical and not in a constructive way.

 

Almost three years ago I started an affair with a man I worked with. We fell in love and have continued to see each other in spite of my husband thinking the affair was over. He kept asking me to leave my husband and the last time he did this was only 3 weeks ago. When I said I couldn't, he ended the affair. At work he has continued to spend time with me and obviously enjoys being with me. Only a week ago he sent me a text telling me he wanted us to spend our life together. Meanwhile I finally realise that my marriage is just not working and that yes I do want to be with this man. I told him this only a couple of days ago but he told me that he was now seeing someone else who he said it was too soon to say whether it was love. I still told my husband that the marriage was not right and that I still loved this man. Yesterday I went to see him and he told me he did not know whether he could give me what I wanted. He was obviously very upset and said he was angry that I had only told my husband now and not sooner as it may be too late for us. He said he would have to think about what he wanted. Only 3 hours later he texts me to say he can't give me what I want and then when I phoned him later, he told me not to call him, that it was over and that he loved someone else (something he had denied only the day before).

 

Can his feelings for me have changed so much? Only 3 weeks ago he asked me to do exactly what I have just done? He said things yesterday which indicate he still cares. How can he have fallen for some one else so quickly? How do I cope seeing this man at work every day?

 

I have all these questions racing through my mind and that is all on top of what do I do about my marriage and whether that is really over. I know I am being selfish but I can't stop my feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

How can he have fallen for some one else so quickly? How do I cope seeing this man at work every day?

When you said this:

Meanwhile I finally realise that my marriage is just not working and that yes I do want to be with this man.

Didn't that involve changing your mind also? I'm sure your husband is asking the same kind of "coping" questions you're asking here. You've at least had your options open as you've made your decisions, that has not been the case for him. Sounds like a painful mess for everyone involved - are you sure that you want to end your marriage? How much does your H know about your OM? And finally, as you sit here today, what is it you really want?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your husband should run far away from a woman who cant make up her own mind. And would rather cheat and run away with another man.

 

Wow some wife you are...

 

Whatever happens is because of you and you alone. Not your husband or the OM. You made that choice to run away and run to the OM, now that the OM dumped you, your husband might just beat you to it too. Wow you ruined your marriage for absolutely nothing.

[Woggle]

Your husband should run far away from a woman who cant make up her own mind. And would rather cheat and run away with another man.

 

Wow some wife you are...

 

Whatever happens is because of you and you alone. Not your husband or the OM. You made that choice to run away and run to the OM, now that the OM dumped you, your husband might just beat you to it too. Wow you ruined your marriage for absolutely nothing.

 

You said it first. I didn't want to be mean but since you broke that ice already I love it when a cheater gets played the hell out by the OM or OW. It serves them right.

[LakesideDream]

I agree with Wogs on this one. The OP and her OM were having a good old time... until. Then her OM, who couldn't be without his drama for even a month finds another patsy, and cuts her off. I'm sure that wouldn't be enough for her husband, but I'm equally sure it is a little "karma". Hopefully, at the end of the day the OP ends up with nothing.

[imagine]

I suspect that you have been played. The idea of the play was however for you to have said: "No I can't leave my husband." but sadly the player underestimated your desire to follow them.

 

Now your marriage, from which you have divested, has become a huge question mark for your husband - he has been burnt twice and trust is at low, low ebb.

 

The obvious error that has been made so far is that you responding to feeling. Welcome to the human race. These feelings could have been for your husband if the both of you had committed to the marriage. A marriage is a promise which sadly doesn't seem to hold much currency nowadays. Healthy communication needs to be established. Total honesty NEEDS to be established. You have sucked the marrow out of this man. You owe him this honesty regardless. Do you have the courage to retry in earnest. I won't blow smoke up your skirt, its probably going to be a hard and long process.

 

You also need to "get" exactly what you have done. Picture yourself as the betrayed and I certainly don't mean like by the OM betrayed you.

 

Take a long look... Ask where the love went...

 

Wherever you go... you will still be part of the equation. Maybe you want to start where it needs fixing.

 

Gentle tip: Read up - Her needs His needs; the Five languages of love -Chapman, and maybe visit the marriage builders website for more info.

 

I wish you courage and perspective and this difficult time.

[Ladyjane14]

There's The Truth, and then there's The Truth of the Moment, Anne.

Pillow talk sounds sooooo sincere... because in the moment, it is. Then the moment passes, reality intrudes, and you have a new "truth".

 

Affair relationships are built on Fantasy. It's not until reality intrudes that affair partners find out what is what. On top of all that, the OM is under-the-influence of a new infatuation. And that's kind of like being on drugs, with all the hormones and what-not whooshing around. That's where his "Truth of the Moment" lies now.

 

The 'Infatuation Stage' of a relationship has a shelf-life of about two years, and MORE when the relationship is illicit since there's an added excitement to it, an extension of fantasy if you will. Chances are, the infatuation stage with you has wound down. But it's just beginning with the new girlfriend. Could be... that your OM is a bit of a love junkie. (????)

[anne1707]

Thank you for the replies I have had. I know I have been a complete and utter *** and deserve criticism but I appreciate the honesty.

 

Just had my first day back at work and saw OM - it was pretty awful. I wish I could stop my feelings for him but the relationship has been about so much more than just sex. We really get on with each other. When I see him, all I can think about is if only I had told my husband sooner (for the sake of all involved).

 

To add to the irony, he had told me that a big reason in ending it was because he wanted someone who he could have a full and open relationship with. Not only when I offer that does he back off but for a variety of reasons something is making me suspect that the new woman he is seeing is also married! Makes me both very confused and very angry!

 

My husband is being incredibly strong - not something I deserve - and still wants to make the marriage work. I actually know it could if I could get over OM sooner but at the moment, it is all I can think and feel. Not at all helped by having to work together. And yes, moving jobs will have to be done for it to work too.

 

I actually want to get through this without causing any more hurt to my husband who I do love very much. It is the deep love you have for someone after you have been together for a long time. How do I get the thoughts and feelings I have for OM to go away? This was not just passion but a level of intimacy I have never experienced before and don't think I ever will again. Something he used to say too and not that long ago. There I go, round in circles again. Any help please!

[Lookingforward]

I agree with Wogs on this one. The OP and her OM were having a good old time... until. Then her OM, who couldn't be without his drama for even a month finds another patsy, and cuts her off. I'm sure that wouldn't be enough for her husband, but I'm equally sure it is a little "karma". Hopefully, at the end of the day the OP ends up with nothing.

 

ahem...something comes to mind about glass houses...............

[Chrome Barracuda]

Thank you for the replies I have had. I know I have been a complete and utter *** and deserve criticism but I appreciate the honesty.

 

Just had my first day back at work and saw OM - it was pretty awful. I wish I could stop my feelings for him but the relationship has been about so much more than just sex. We really get on with each other. When I see him, all I can think about is if only I had told my husband sooner (for the sake of all involved).

 

To add to the irony, he had told me that a big reason in ending it was because he wanted someone who he could have a full and open relationship with. Not only when I offer that does he back off but for a variety of reasons something is making me suspect that the new woman he is seeing is also married! Makes me both very confused and very angry!

 

My husband is being incredibly strong - not something I deserve - and still wants to make the marriage work. I actually know it could if I could get over OM sooner but at the moment, it is all I can think and feel. Not at all helped by having to work together. And yes, moving jobs will have to be done for it to work too.

 

I actually want to get through this without causing any more hurt to my husband who I do love very much. It is the deep love you have for someone after you have been together for a long time. How do I get the thoughts and feelings I have for OM to go away? This was not just passion but a level of intimacy I have never experienced before and don't think I ever will again. Something he used to say too and not that long ago. There I go, round in circles again. Any help please!

 

Those feelings you have for the OM is infatuation it wasnt love. he dumped you by the side of the road, when he was done he didnt want anything to do with the affair. and those chemicals floating in your head is gonna wear off.

 

Your gonna see the truth for what it is.

 

You want to not feel that way, quit your job first and foremost. detox. Dont give me no excuses or anything because if you cant stop being around this person who you cant seem to control yourself you take yourself outta the equation altogehter.

[LakesideDream]

ahem...something comes to mind about glass houses...............

 

 

And..... you don't believe I think about that everyday?

[theobserver]

Sigh. OP I don't know what to say. You get what you deserve. Believe me I'm usually forgiving to a degree. You don't seem too apologetic at all. You were still willing to leave your husband and I bet if the OM changed his mind and said want to come with me today you'd jump to it. Your husband wants to STILL work things out? You know why he's become a sorry ass doormat he must be the most lowest self esteem man I would probably ever see if I could indeed see him.

 

Is he overweight in an unatractive way? No sexual skill at all? Ugly? what is it about your husband that sucks? Why are you with him? Kids? Money? Stability can't be that great you were willing to leave. Look I suggest you get a divorce with your husband and tell him to man-up clearly he's forgot what it means to be a man and I think that's what turned you away also. On the plus side you'll be able to date who you want f*ck who you want and you wont be betraying anyone.

[Ronni_W]

My husband ... still wants to make the marriage work. I actually know it could

Anne, are you being 100%, straight-up honest with yourself there? Because in your first post your wrote: "I finally realise that my marriage is just not working ... and that I still loved this man."

 

Any marriage is independent and apart from any affair, in that it (the marriage) is working, and a partner has an affair; or it is NOT working, and a partner has an affair.

To stay in a marriage that just yesterday was NOT working, only because the affair partner has had a change of heart/mind -- well, IMO, that is a terrible sell-out not only of your marriage partner but also of your own Self and your own needs and desires.

 

I do understand where you may feel as if left "high and dry" or "between a rock and a hard place". But it is still an opportunity for you to listen to and follow YOUR OWN HEART.

 

Possibly a clarifying question would be along the lines of, "Do I want to be married to my current husband for the rest of my life?" (Instead of wondering whether the relationship is 'okay', or 'tolerable', or 'workable', or something similar.)

 

Best of luck. I know it is difficult. I am sorry for your loss of the man you love.

[anne1707]

Your husband wants to STILL work things out? You know why he's become a sorry ass doormat he must be the most lowest self esteem man I would probably ever see if I could indeed see him.

 

Is he overweight in an unatractive way? No sexual skill at all? Ugly? what is it about your husband that sucks? Why are you with him? Kids? Money? .

 

 

Criticise me as much as you want but don't criticise my husband. Every word you said about him is wrong. He is a good man and deserves better.

[imagine]

Then give him what he deserves. Respect, honesty, fidelity, honour, intimacy, transparency and an apology.

 

Feelings are transient. A persons word should be forever.

 

I'm rooting for your marriage. Leave your job. Never, ever speak to the OM .......ever!

[Darth Vader]

Criticise me as much as you want but don't criticise my husband. Every word you said about him is wrong. He is a good man and deserves better.

 

 

How is it that he still wants to be with you after all this? I'll tell ya straight up most men on here would've already dropped your lying a long time ago! You know lady, Your husband has thoughts of you RIDING your OM and orgasming too, I hope you know that!

[troubadour]

anne1707,

 

I have been a OM in numerous EMRs with married women and I can assure you that your OM never really wanted you to leave your husband. You are agonizing about what would have happend if you had agreed to leave your husband earlier. There would be only one difference... you would have been earlier in exactly the same situation in which you are right now. Despite what he may have said he never really wanted you do do it. Trust me on this.

 

And why would he.... what makes affairs with married women so appealing for OMs is a fact that they get the all benefits of relationship with out all the problems and weight of actual relationship. The dating scene has become so pathetic lately and the real relationships take so much work, hard work. I am not going to be very popular on this forum with this statement but there is something magical about making love to a woman who is other man's wife.

 

When you finally decided that you "were unhappy" in your marriage and that it was a time to leave your husband you have ruined this status quo of your EMR and your OM started panicing and had to get out of this situation somehow. Of course, he could have been more creative and nice about it.... but still he is the man of your dreams.

 

A few years ago I had an EMR with a gorgeous married woman which lasted a few years. We had a magnicifent sex and quite deep connection on emotional level. She had ruined everything at the moment when she decided that she wanted to dump her husband and to spend the rest of her life with me. We could have been so happy for years... I am not trying to be cynical here... she had ruined everything. It changed the dynamics of our relationship completely. At that moment I was facing a real relationship with all hardship and problems of it. In her mind she created an idealistic mental picture of me which I could not live up to in daily life... day after day. And there was one more thing, perhaps the most important one... how was I supposed to know if she would not cheat on me in the future? After all she cheated on her husband with me. And there were literally whole hordes on horny ogres hitting on her day and night. At this point it was becoming an important issue. I had to be realistic that our EMR was just an illusion. No matter how exciting they are, in the end all EMRs are just illusions... nothing else. You may want to keep in mind, anne1707.

 

In my defense I would like to say that I do not pursue married women and I don't lie to them. I just make myself available if they are interested. And there are a lot of them who are either egotistical enough, neglected enough, or sometime simply lonely enough to seek attention outside of their marriage. Not only I do not do anything to encourage them to have EMRs but also I usually try to make them think about the consequences of having one. In most cases I have to say that they do not like this part.

 

Statisticly, anne1707, you had about 5% chance to have any form of sustainable relationship with your OM in real life. The picture, which you have created of him in your mind, does not exist in reallity. Based on my personal experience and my observations of EMRs in artistic circles in Chicagoland I would say that within six / twelve months you would be sitting and shaking your head in disbelief how naive you were about him. Only one case of EMR in twenty lasts longer the rest fail rather fast... but all of those involved were comvinced they had something special going on, that their case was unique. You EMR ended just in the same way in which most of them end. I doubt your OM was honest with you in your EMR, it appears he was just using you for sex, but he was right when he said that he probably wouldn't be able to give you what you expected from him if you two live together. That's why it has never really been an option.

 

A few months ago I read an interesting thread on this forum about a flight attendent who deluded herself into falling in love with a pilot by constantly daydreaming about him. I don't know how it ended but it was interesting to read.

 

Could you enlight me about one thing, anne1707? You claim that you love your husband so deeply and you talk about the unique level of intimacy which you two have. If it is true I don't understand how you could cheat on him for so long... we are talking about a period of a few years. I can imagine a lot... after all I am a painter with some international recognition and my imagination usually work great... but in this case I have to admit it fails completely. I understand that someone in the "heat of passion" may have a short term fling but something like this and for that period of time... it does not make any sense. I am not trying to inflict any emotional pain on you I am just trying to understand.

 

I hope you feel better today.