wannabehappy Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I wrote two other entries this week about my husband (soon to be ex) cheating on me. We are currently broken up but he still lives in my house (dont ask it is complex and I dont understand why either). I have written how I was upset as I just found the truth that while we were working on our relationship and while broken up he was seeing his co-worker who I suspected for awhile. Well anyway that was just a recap of my writings and problems. Today I just quit I have never quit anything in my life and I never planned to quit my marriage I was the one who fought to save it and keep trying. I have said I am done to others but never to him until today. We were talking and my head started spinning because we were having the same conversation we always have and I feel he is lying as usual. So I finally make a decision (I have had a hard time making any until this point). I told him I am done I am gonna be 35 next week and I dont have it in me anymore to argue fuss and fight anymore for someone who would hurt me so badly. I told him I just quit I will not fight to be married and I would not fight for this family anymore. I said I am considering moving out of state and he can not stop me. I finally feel like I made a decision and I am totally not gonna fight him any longer I am done. Just saying it made me feel good all day (hope it lasts). I am angry but it is only hurting me in the long run. I just feel like I dont care anymore. I am trying to be civil to him at this point and nothing more. I feel free - I know emotions change day by day but at this time I am quite happy I feel like this so I want it to last. Anyway, I thought I would just share and get some feedback on anything else that may help me maintain this good feeling.
TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I also said I'm done. I'm not perfect, but I tried to work it out and I'm sick of feeling this limbo. I don't feel good about it. She keeps telling me things like I'm not sure this is what I want (the divorce). Yet, she refuses to work on it. She tells me she is done. Why does she make this so ****ing HARD?!!!!!
Author wannabehappy Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 I know what you mean. I Love this man soooo much and it just hurts so much. My ex does not want me but wants to be best friends to me. I know now I love him and I wanna make it work but only if he wants that. Which I pretty much see he does not. I wish you the best. Dont give up hope and put it in God's hands.
TrustInYourself Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Thanks for the kind words. I'm pretty sure that I'm doing what I should be doing. Who knows really what's right. I didn't initiate the end, but I will give her an end if that's what she truly believes she needs. I'm done being a control freak and unloving. Time for absolute love and forgiveness and just letting go.
Author wannabehappy Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 Good luck to you and that is all you can do is change the things you know you can change. But also not expect anything. God is good and everything works out the way it should in the end even if you dont feel that it does. I put myself out there and said how I felt and did not expect anything in return. I am happy with that and feel good about that, I dont know if I will still feel the same love if he does eventually want to work on us. Only time will tell and that is God and fate not him not wanting to work on it now it is the feeling when the time is right. Great luck in all.
iwanttolive Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Hi wannabehappy.. Can you share with me how could you still trust in God despite the situation you went thru? I've been in four relationships and all did not work out. So i'm struggling to trust God. I've been praying for the right man. But each time I enter into the r/s, it feel so right... I was like "Finally, the ordeal is over.. I did not forsake God and He finally answers my prayer." But after my last r/s failed, I could not trust God anymore. I feel deceived. God is toying with my life and He's having fun. I'm looking for an answer from someone who has faith in God.. I don't need to hear from religious skeptics because I've done the devil advocate work myself. Sorry I post it under this thread, just that i'm amazed by wannabehappy's faith..
Author wannabehappy Posted July 27, 2008 Author Posted July 27, 2008 I would love to tell you that I never doubted but I did for a long time. When I stopped doubting and thought about the things I have been through and what I learned about myself I had to believe God had a hand in that. While I am in a bad situation that may never be the way I wish it could be I have to admit I have a pretty sweet life. I know I can do it all on my own if I need to but I would love to have the person who I still believe to be my true love by my side. I have 2 great children a handful of good friends and a family who will always support me. I am grateful for that. I just believe in that things will happen the way they were ment to happen. I will tell you I was very angry and blamed God but I stepped back and looked at the chances I had to make things right (him too) and I saw that God gave me the opportunities and I did not take them. Whose fault is that? I can't blame God when I allowed situations to occur. The only way I can really make it though each day is though faith and knowing that if things don't work out between the two of us God has a another plan. I do know that it may take falling down more times before I get it right (either with ex or future man). But I believe it is just a feeling and it is so comforting and makes me feel so secure. I believe there is a plan that is God's Will but we (people) have free choice and that is where problems occur but we tend to think the flaw is in God's Plan when we have made the errors. Sometimes you have to fall over and over until you learn what to do and not do in the future. Having blind faith is hard but once you do, you will feel secure in choices and how you feel. That is the best way I can decribe it. I hope that helps.
iwanttolive Posted July 27, 2008 Posted July 27, 2008 Thanks for sharing... I guess I felt like telling God "Hey!! Since You're so great, go and fix things!! You're so complacent, You do things half-heartedly!"
SingleDad Posted July 28, 2008 Posted July 28, 2008 Thanks for sharing... I guess I felt like telling God "Hey!! Since You're so great, go and fix things!! You're so complacent, You do things half-heartedly!" You can't expect God to give you things- he does not work that way. From what I've learned through this process and trying to connect spiritually... God is about life lessons... learning through life... One trait learned through hardships is Perseverence... Another thing I'm learned is that God will not put more burdens on you than you can handle... You will survive and will learn from it... one cannot truly learn until they have been at bottom depths. The grief process is also protective - denial is a coping process that keeps things from hurting you initially until you are ready and you can learn to deal with them. Another trait is Forgiveness... you cannot heal until you can learn to forgive... not necessarily forgive directly to the person who hurt you. But to learn to forgive within side of your own heart. Until then, you are trapped by your own feelings... You have to let them go to begin healing.. My example from this terrible process - is I learned what is really important in my life - my daughter. I've learned that I want to be the best father possible to my daughter... before this, truthfully I felt my daughter was a burdon and an inconvenience. Boy have I learned.... Now I am keeping the faith and hope that my daughter's mother and I can co-parent out daughter without much conflict and maybe even have family events together. Many of the divorce books are spititually based - seems like they have the best advice... as they try to help you cope when you are hurting the most.
Author wannabehappy Posted August 1, 2008 Author Posted August 1, 2008 Well, things are a little different. I told my ex that I am done with him. I am done. I decided I needed to move on and get on with my life. I am trying to not bring up the past and all the hurt he caused because it only hurts to relive it. I am in a better place now. I just had and need to continue to move on with my life. I can forgive but I can not forget. That is what I needed to realize. I would love to someday be in a place where we can together but I am really not sure I would even allow it. He does not deserve me and I know that. Time does make it easier and I am civil to him as much as I can be. He is moving and I am glad to have him out of my life so it will be easier to move on. I know I need space and time to work on me. I can not work on a relationship (friendship or otherwise) when I could not even deal with my own feelings. It feels good to know what I want at this point but there are set backs because now when I am stepping back and avoiding talking and dealing with him too much. Now he is trying to spend time with me, which is hard to deal with and I still have to step back anyway. He still blames his cheating on me not showing affection and attention. I was fighting what I knew I needed (to move on) in hopes of him waking up and realizing the damage he caused. I now know I can change him and he will realize or not realize when ever he is ready and I probably not be around to see it. I do not hold any hate because I did forgive and God has be a great support in going through it all. I believe God will get me through all this and help me move on.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 2, 2008 Posted August 2, 2008 I don't know if it will make you feel any better... you've reached a really tough decision and frankly, it was going to be a painful one either way. But... I HAVE heard it said that the emotional recovery time on divorce can actually be less than the time it takes to fully reconcile a marriage. Reconciliation after adultery generally takes 2-3 years. But we often see folks posting right here at LS who are doing well in as little as six months, particularly when they're proactive at the healing process. I know that's got to be damn little comfort after all you've been through. But you sound like somebody who knows her mind. So maybe you'll be among the lucky ones who accomplish a short and speedy recovery. Here's hoping!
Author wannabehappy Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 Ok I am back because I just wanna know what some people think about this. Kids are out of town with family. H is still in the house but moving within the week????? (sure he is leaving not sure the date but soon). He has invited me out with him for the last week and I have gone. We have spent more time together in the past week and half then in the last 10 years. I dont mind the time together in fact it has been positive time without problems. My concern is I told him I was done with all the crap and I was moving on. I feel like I am going backwards by spending time with him. I am not sure of his goal of the time in connecting with me. I have asked and he has said why cant I go with the flow. Yeah it feels good but I was finally at the point I was good with us not being together and I feel like I am being pulled back and nothing will change. He was and is very mad about the fact I was not affectionate to him in the past and he has said he is not sure he will ever get over it. I had given up and let him go to find himself. I just feel that if I go with the flow I will end up where I was before and not know how I got there. He had been threatening divorce and has yet to file any papers. I asked him about it recently and he said he is not going to cuz he does not want to hurt me. I am fine with it at this point cuz he has hurt me more then a divorce would. I am really doing great I just feel very confused with how I should approach the situation. I enjoy spending time with him cuz we never really did. I do want to be taken seriously cuz I am serious about stepping back and moving on. Not sure if it is I am scared to really let go or not. I feel like he is a bit jealous and is spending time with me so I am not out there doing something (like what he did). I am just thinking about how to deal with the situation I am now in. I do like the attention and being able to spend time with him. But there are no rules set I am not liking that, I need rules about what can and can not be done. He has never promised anything. Don't know what is going on at this point and I feel better then I have felt in a long time. So I am not complaining about this time together I just am not sure how to deal with it. I am kinda pissed that it appears he wants to spend time with me cuz I said I am done and moving on and dressing and acting as if I am (going out with friends and dressing up - not the comfortable dress I had before). I feel as if I have found myself, dressing up and making myself pretty is good it makes me feel confident and sercure in myself. I like the feeling alot and I would not have been able to get to the point where I was happy with my appearance if I had not stepped back so I feel I needed to step back to really find myself.
SingleDad Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 wannabehappy - because you are now strong and happy - you are attractive to your H. And from you recent post you are deceiving yourself and H - spending time with H is contrary to "being done with him" Your H appears to be in the mode of "having his cake and eating it too" I have a friend who's spouse has had cake and eat it too for going on 2 years now... She lets H come over to spend time with the kids and her during his visitiation time (not wanting to hurt/disrupt the kids), then goes H back to live with his girlfriend the rest of the time You have do decide what you want. 1. Keep H and allow GF - i.e. do nothing - like you are doing now 2. Give H a chance if dumps GF - but he has to demonstrate his love for you in all respects 3. Stop seeing H in all respects as he has a GF and he cannot have both regardless. The ball is in your court.
Ladyjane14 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 SD's right. You need to set a goal. Your marriage is probably salvageable if that's what you decide you want. With a history of sexual withholding in the marriage... it's entirely possible that what your WH wants MOST is simply just the girl he originally married. You're leading him a merry chase, having come out strong on D-Day, and as you can see... you've peaked his interest. At this point, I'd say it's time for him to "sh*t or get off the pot" in terms of ending the affair. If he's willing to return to the marriage, there's no reason why you can't utilize Harley's "Plan A" approach to seal the deal. We were just talking about it on another thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160410/
Recommended Posts