8ball_lynn Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I am new to this - new to being single - new to being dumped - new to this feeling of loss and being alone, hurt, sad and angry, confused - all at once and I don't know how to deal... I have been with this guy for 7 years. 6 months ago he asked me to marry him and of course I said yes. I've been making plans, putting down payments, booking all the necessary vendors, sending out save the dates for our wedding which was supposed to be January of next year. We went back to our hometown where my sister threw me an early bridal shower and at the end of our vacation I start feeling like something is wrong - he starts to act very distant. He waits until we get back home to tell me he doesn't want to get married and worse, he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I am so confused as to what happened. We didn't have a fight or anything? We've had our issues but I don't feel like they were anything to break up over. I feel like he gave up on this relationship way too easy. I want him back, but at the same time, I don't know how I could trust that he would always be there for me... He would run out when things go tough instead of working on things. I feel like things were so good between us. His decision came out of the blue. After the breakup he continued living with me for about a month - I couldn't kick him out because I still loved him and cared about him. He finally moved out - wanted to stay friends - but that is something I can't do right now if ever. I'm struggling to do the NC thing. It's only been a 3 days and I'm already fighting myself not to call him.... I feel so alone and so hurt. I don't know how to go on... I don't know how to be happy or even ok... How do people do it? How will I????? He was my first love - he's the one to first bring up marriage - he had names picked out for our kids - we always talked about our future together - now I have to find a new plan and new life I don't want to!!!!!
justaman99 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 This is a sad story and I feel for you. The only thing that will really help is time and unfortunately that isn't anything anyone here can offer you. The fact that he was a runner when things got tough should have been a huge red flag. When you're married, you can't run can you? Well maybe he decided to run now while he still can. He sounds very immature and not being able to deal with things directly is a big problem in a relationship. I know because I used to feel this way. It's easier to run than to deal with things right? Well it's not easier, it's just avoidance and being a coward. It's not a way to live ones life and it's not something a real man would do. -Just
hi_baby039 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I feel for you. My ex broke up with me for different reasons, but the feelings are the same. You feel you're not good enough. And while my relationship was much shorter, he also promised me a future. And now, my future is gone, just like that. I'm trying to cope even though part of me wishes he comes back. I'm guessing you're still fairly young, so there's still much life ahead of you. Some people don't find their true love until they're past their 50s! But well, for right now, all we have to do is take one day at a time, and fill our lives with other good things. Friends, family, trips, food... things that make you smile. I found a site that has some interesting stories... here are some links that made me smile: http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/theas.html http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/theas_positivelysingle.html http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/theas10tips.html Good luck, we'll get through this
Habibti Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Went through the same thing, well sort of. We weren't engaged but he said he wanted us to grow old together, we had talked of marriage, our children. I was supposed to move in with him, we planned what kind of cat to get. The things we would do together. It's a horrible thing and feeling when your life as you know it is suddenly violently ripped from underneath you. It makes all of your good love seem invalid doesn't it? All the love and care you gave to him he so easily just throws away and you're left feeling like..what will I do? In reality our exes aren't perfect people and neither are we, but if you have a partner who isn't willing to trully love you then no matter how much you love them you don't have a steady foundation to build your future on anyhow. I know it feels like you did something wrong, but this was his issue and you can't fix it. Me personally? I didn't eat for 9 days. Didn't really sleep either. The worst is the dreams of us back together like nothing happened. It's hard, and for awhile you're going to cry and weep and mourn. You'll feel like you're not moving anywhere.Just a stagnet and empty presence. NC as hard as it is..is the way to go. You don't need to make this anymore painful on yourself than it is and believe me the only thing remaining "friends" really does is keep that wound WIDE open and then eventually kicks you where it hurts in the end. The first part of moving on is going no contact- it's what you have to do. It's practicing having that person no longer in your life. Eventually as time passes you'll eat again, you'll sleep again and ever so slowly you'll remember your dreams and hopes for the future. It will feel better and then it will hurt and then feel better again. It's an overwhelming loss we face when this happens to us. It's okay to cry, get angry and let it all out. It's okay to feel alone and without hope. But remember- the light at the end of the tunnel is you. We all have great things to bring to a relationship and when we're ready..wether that's a year down the road..maybe less time..or maybe longer we'll find someone new.Someone that makes us feel loved and cherished and special to them. We will be someone's light in their world once again, someday. I know it's hard but continue the NC- cut him out of your life completely. Ask friends to not tell you about him or let you know what's happening in his life. It seems most people go NC hoping this is the way to win back an ex. This very rarely happens and actually works out so don't fool yourself. NC as I said before ; is about practicing living your life without them.Eventually you will just begin to adapt and be used too it. Don't make a hurtful situation hurt worse. Best of luck to you love. Be well.
Author 8ball_lynn Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Thanks...I know people get through breakups but when it happens to you, you feel like the loneliest person in the world and you feel like no one knows how you feel. I know this is something I have to cope with, that I have to be strong and I can't rely on anyone else and it definitely isn't easy. I should have kicked him out at the very beginnig but I just couldn't do it. And within that month that he was here after the breakup I couldn't stay mad or hate him, because I still loved him and I wanted him back. I honestly thought he was going to change his mind anyday, but at the same time I don't know how to have faith in him and his commitment after all this. Yet I'm still hoping. While he was here, it really felt like the breakup never happened. We laughed and joked around together, we went out to dinner, we hung out, we held hands, hugged, kissed and more which was a big no no but I was happy. I'm happy when I'm with him, even if we are not together anymore - but I know that is also unhealthy for me. I mean, we are in different places - he's the one that broke up with me - I'm the one that got hurt, I'm still so in love with him - I still wanted to get married and spend the rest of my life with him... A few days after this all happened, he got into an accident on his moped. Of course, I was there for him - I took him to the hospital, I took care of him. I think I was trying so hard to do anythign and everything for him to make him stay. It didn't work, because he is gone. He didn't want to stop seeing me, didn't want to do the NC thing, but I insisted. i wrote him a long letter expressing everything I felt and how I didn't want him to contact me anymore - but part of me wishes he would - maybe just so I could blow him off. I'm living with my sister but she'll be gone next week - and I'm worried since I'll be alone, I'll want to call him! This just sucks! I can't help but think what could I have done to prevent this????
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