Habibti Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I feel betrayed. I feel lied too. I feel cheated. If he hadn't told me that he loved me more than I knew..if he hadn't told me he loved continually..if he hadn't told me he wanted us to grow old together and have children together..I wouldn't feel so damn badly about all of this. But believing he loved me only to find out from his actions he couldn't have possibly..makes me feel cheated, hurt, and angry. Looking back I can see how he is not the best for me. I can see how he is not the right guy for me because he didn't love and appreciate me and how often and in so many ways I gave myself unending and without abandon for his sake. I deserve someone who loves me as I love them, unfortunately knowing all of that doesn't make the hurt well..hurt any less. It's been a month now and I've certainly come a long way. In the beginning I didn't eat for 9 days, didn't sleep, didn't go out.I was like a dead person. Now I at least socialize, I eat, go out. I even went on a date for fun and REALLY genuinely enjoyed myself. I know I will love again and find someone else, again this does not cause the hurt to lessen. I wish if only that it did. I've decided to not be friends with him, we are currently NC and I've decided I'm just going to keep it that way. I'm not going to delude myself and prolong my pain with that delusional friends crap. I would rather just go cold turkey and feel the worst of the worst for now, because it will get better in the long run.While friends just makes you hurt in the short term and then kicks you in the balls in the long run. No thankyou. In my logical mind I know he is the one loosing something. I know I was loving, unique and different. Hell he even told me after 35 years he's never someone like me before that he could be open with in the way he was with me, etc etc. I think, who's going to make him home made love cards now? Or who will learn a second language for him? Just so she can write him a love letter in his original language? When he's sick, who's going to put together home made care packages like I used too? Who's going to make him paintings and bake him his favorite pastries just to show her love like I did? You know what's strange, this feels like when I broke up with my very first boyfriend. I felt devestated this way because I was so good to him and etc etc etc. I remember feeling so heartbroken over him and thought he didn't care about me because he got a new gf and moved away. Strange thing, we became good friends about 8 years later when he confided in me and told me that to this day no one has ever taken my place. He told me that he was hurting over me for several years and he managed to accept he wouldn't ever see me again so i that sense of the word he eventually moved on but that when he spoke with me again he realised there will always be something in his heart for me even though we cannot act on it. I remember being so shocked,I think of how long I hurted for him and thought he didn't care, and for 8 years he's carried a torch for me. Although he was my first love, I wasn't his either. It's strange the things we don't know. I guess we assume because someone broke up with us that means it's over for them. But sometimes that's not necesarily the case. Anyway, I'm bunny trailing. I realise this is a very random post I just needed to vent how I feel. I've been doing a lot of crying lately so this is just me..going through the motions.Trying to find that bright, sun-shiney day.
Peter_pan Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 hey i feel for you, i hope you find someone who will fulfill your expectations. why exactly did you split with him? sorry if i missed it. i hope you will get better, as i hope i will to.
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