megken Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]So many mixed signals! (This may be long!)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My ex and I were married for 10 years and together 14. We separated 2 years ago and were officially divorced 9 months ago, but continued to sleep together. About a month ago he bought a house and announced we could not be intimate any more. This took me completely by surprise and I was shocked, hurt and saddened. Until this point, I thought I was over him. This is why everytime in the past 2 years when he came over, I gave him no encouragement and was not very nice afterwards. (I know, the regret I have is because this time the fault is mine).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I waited about 2 weeks and called him and said I want you back; I’m not ready for this to be over. He said, no, I’ve moved on, I can’t go back. Then he said you never know what the future will hold because I never lived well without you before and I’m doing ok, kinda, sorta, not really.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know he has been looking to meet other people, but has not yet. Except, there is a girl I think he has been talking to, but she is 21 and he is 40 and she has a new baby. Also, he is spending a lot of time drinking with his friends and has told me it is so he won’t think about me.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We have a 9 year old son together, and because of his work schedule he takes him every wed and thurs, not overnight, he usually brings him home by 9. Last week, I told him this arrangement was not working out for me anymore and I could no longer sit home every night alone with OUR son and he needed to keep him overnight, so I could also have a chance at a new life also. He said no problem and is now taking him Mon-Thurday and I get him on the weekends. (FYI: he wasn’t not keeping him before because he didn’t want to, but because I wasn’t ready)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Last week was our first week of this new arrangement and our son took it very hard, He didn’t want to go and it was very emotional, although he did go in the end. The first night I went out with friends, he called the next day and screamed at me for not calling to see how our son was (I was going to call later and talk to him when he got home from camp) and that was because I was out *** other guys and waking up in their arms. We got through that because I told him I couldn’t read his mind and know he wanted me to call and that I am committed to raising our son together and to meet him halfway on all issues regarding our son. He just needs to communicate what he expects. This totally surprised him and he apologized.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]What I have noticed: on the nights he is with our son he calls me often, but on my nights, just a phone call to talk to his son. However, he calls every morning and we chat for about an hour. No contact is hard when you have a child and I know, when he calls in the morning I should just say hi, here’s your son, have a great day and get off the phone, but it’s hard.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]So, is there hope? I am trying to move on and meet other people (and I have met some). My question is: should I cut my losses or is there a glimmer?[/FONT][/sIZE]
saraispiel19 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I really don't know what your doing lady. He wants to move on (he told you so). Look you have a kid that's great and when it comes to little Timmy then you have all the right to discuss it with your ex. However the whole seperated still sleeping together and divorced situ. Is not very healthy let alone give you any room to grow and mature. It seems you have a little co-dependancy/ attachment issues which is okay- I mean you were with him for a long time darlin' it's only human. You have to realize there is a better you in you. Your other half doesn't make you who you are- whether it's this guy or the next. In my personal opinion I suggest keeping your distance and you need to direct that at him. Not only will it be for the betterment of yourself but for your child aswell. Going back and forth is only damaging and even hurtful for your boy. Theres a stronger woman in there you just need to get that courage and pull your bootstraps up lady! Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author megken Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Part of the reason I posted here was to get opinions from people who are unbiased and don't know us. of course my friends tell me what I want to hear! I could really use more feed back from you guys out there...eventhough it's hard to hear, I need to hear it said. Please reply!!
TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Yes there is a glimmer of hope. Yet you don't want him. He doesn't want you. You're holding onto what's comfortable. Let go. Move on. My heart hurts reading this. Why would you treat him like that for so long if you knew how much he cared about you. He's better off without someone pulling his heart strings constantly, like you are doing. I think you owe him space and freedom.
Chinook Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Okay, you asked for bluntness. In essence, what you've experienced was a prolonged grieving period. That is after the initial breakup, you guys stayed in contact and even slept together, so there was no real need to grieve something which wasn't gone. You could have it/him whenever you wanted. Now... it's a whole new ballgame and you have to get on with it. If I were you, given the issues which you both have depending on each other and the issues which split your partnership in the first place, I would not look back. I'm sorry. I agree with the poster who said the backwards and forwards is not healthy for your child... but this is being driven by you now, you want what you clearly can't have. Your ex-partner has clearly said, it's over. It's time now to address that.
Author megken Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 You guys are right, I treated him badly. I think it was for self preservation-I didn't want to get hurt again either. He has said he wants to move on and he's also said you don't know what the future holds and he's never lived well without me before. I think, right now, I have to listen to the words he's saying, which is no and meet other people and move on and let go. But, oh is it hard!
TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 And you wanted this. Did you not? Now you only want it when you can't have it. What do you want?? Honestly? He probably still loves you, but he's sick of the rollercoaster. He's sick of investing his soul into someone who only wants his love when she can't have it.
Author megken Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 OK, so that was harsh, but true. However, I really thought I was over him and had no idea I would feel this way. I think what I'm having trouble getting past is hope and our long history. I've been with him since he was 25 and he will 40 in 2 months, thats a long time. Plus, people make mistakes (I know mine was a doozy) and people change. Right now were working on being friends again.
Author megken Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 So, my ex came over last night to pick up our son. Earlier in the day I had gathered all of the rest of stuff and gave it back to him, not in a mean or confrontational way, just its time to move on, heres your stuff and he was upset. I also talked to a friend of mine last night ( not the enabling kind of friend, but the kind who tells you like it is, like you guys!) anyway, she reminded me of all the reasons why we split up in the first place and how wrong it would be to go down that road again. I feel much more peaceful today and I met someone online and I have a date on Thurs. Of course, this will be when he comes back, right?? just when I am starting to make my peace with it....
saraispiel19 Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Of course, this will be when he comes back, right?? just when I am starting to make my peace with it.... Ew. forget about the drama-maker! Remember what he did and how he made you feel. If he wants to change well he'll have to do it on his own time because you have none to waste! Hey goodjob on the date! Just remember take is slow and don't get into the rebound :-) goodluck!
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 So, my ex came over last night to pick up our son. Earlier in the day I had gathered all of the rest of stuff and gave it back to him, not in a mean or confrontational way, just its time to move on, heres your stuff and he was upset. I also talked to a friend of mine last night ( not the enabling kind of friend, but the kind who tells you like it is, like you guys!) anyway, she reminded me of all the reasons why we split up in the first place and how wrong it would be to go down that road again. I feel much more peaceful today and I met someone online and I have a date on Thurs. Of course, this will be when he comes back, right?? just when I am starting to make my peace with it.... If that's what you want, stick to it. Regardless of what he does.
Author megken Posted July 16, 2008 Author Posted July 16, 2008 quick update: I have another date tonight with a different guy. I've been trying the online dating thing and met 2 guys, both seem really nice. We're meeting in public places, so it's safe and I don't give out my home number. problem: all the guys I have been in relationships before I've known for a while before we started dating, plus I was with my ex for 15 yrs. I've never done the dating thing before and I'm a little nervous! Also, I don't want to rush into anything (rebound) and just want to meet people, have fun, etc. The last few days, ex has been calling more than usual, but I am not answering the phone unless it may pertain to our son and trying to mantain some distance from him. I have also stopped checking his email, but haven't had the guts totell him to change his password yet. anyway, just some mixed rambling thoughts in a place I can vent! thanks for listening, any words of encouragment greatly appreciated.
ntucci12 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 Part of the reason I posted here was to get opinions from people who are unbiased and don't know us. of course my friends tell me what I want to hear! I could really use more feed back from you guys out there...eventhough it's hard to hear, I need to hear it said. Please reply!! Seriously Cut your losses!
justaman99 Posted July 16, 2008 Posted July 16, 2008 I still have no idea why the divorce occurred. What were the problems between you both? Try not to be biased and tell it like it is. -Just
Author megken Posted July 17, 2008 Author Posted July 17, 2008 The divorce occured because he was angry all the time. We fought constantly and he was mean to my kids (I have 3, two are not his, but he has raised them since they were 2 and 5) He also was never home becasue he worked all the time. I worked days, he worked nights. Looking back, I can see now where it really did take two to cause this, when before I thought it was all his fault. My mistakes: I never wanted to go out with just him ( mostly becasue this would mean a late night for me), but i should have. Since he was gone so much, I never included him in dedcisions concerning the family, I just made them on my own and he felt left out. Also, I was really bad about talking about my feelings, instead of saying I wish you were home because I miss you, I got mad because he wasn't here. And the cycle began again.... I am trying to change my behavior with him ( not for us to get back together, but so next time, I won't make the same mistakes) I include hin in decisions with our son and daughters. I have told him how I felt and how sorry I am for my part in the breakup. At the very least, we can have some closure and maybe be friends again for the sake of our children.
TrustInYourself Posted July 17, 2008 Posted July 17, 2008 To be honest, those sound like really small problems to overcome. It's a matter of simple changes to improve communication.
Author megken Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 update: We talk every day. He calls me when he wakes up and before he goes to bed. He calls all day, just to chat (I'm on vacation all summer, so I'm home right now)We talk for an hour or more at a time and it's been fun, light and nice, the way it should have been, and yet he still talks of being with someone else, are families not worth fighting for? Because of his work schedule, he only sees our son on Wed and Thurs after school from 4-9 and then he brings him home. Many times he has had to cancel because of extra work on his days off. This summer, I asked him to start taking a more active role in his son's life..you know, having him sleep over at this house and actually being a parent. While he says he's moved on, I see no indication of it through actions, only words. He doesn't date, nor is he activly persuing dating. Instead he spends all his time calling me. I have 2 daughters that he raised since they were little and he has let that slip away. Recently, I talked to him about being more active in their lives again and he agreed and has been reaching out to them. And no, he's not a bad person, just angry, sad, hurt, confused and works all the time (from 10 am to 10 pm). I am so sad right now, I want more for my son and truth I want more for me. One day, he will wake up and realize what he's lost. His son will be grown, his daughters with their own lives and I'm afraid his son will not like him very much because when he's older he will realize what he should have had (and no, I don't ever bash his dad). I wish I could make him see that families are worth fighting for, but I can't. What now?
Author megken Posted July 23, 2008 Author Posted July 23, 2008 I guess I keep posting here because it helps to let out my feelings. I wish more of you would respond because it feels nice to know you are not alone. As a single parent, the isolation is really hard. Last night, my ex came over to pick up our son. This was late after work, about 10pm (and I know during the school year this will not be an option). My son is sad because of the changes, my ex is sad because his son is sad. So, last night did not go well. I know lots of people go through this with their kids, but this is MY kid and truth, my ex does not have the time with his job to be a parent. Anyway, last night I told him this is what I see in the future: you will meet someone new and become involved and perhaps have a new family, with your job you do not have time for both and our son will lose. I will meet someone new and while you will always be his father, you will no longer be his dad. his dad will be the man who is here everyday, who wakes up with him in the morning and spends time with him, who takes care of him when he is sick and one day your son is going to look at you and say:where were you? As much as I would love another chance, this is truly about our son. this is time his dad is missing and will never get back. Last night I told him, you have a choice and still have a chance, but you won't forever. This is the time to step up and become his parent. his answer last night was: this job has kept me going for 2 years, without it what will I do. I have nothing, no family here to help , all I have is my house. and I said yes you gained a house, but what you lost is people, what's more important? This morning he called and said I have a solution. Our son wants to go back to the way thing were (just seeing him Wed and Thurs), so instead of seeing him 4 days (like we've been doing for the last month) I will see him three. So, his solution to being a parent is to see him less? Sorry this is so long...I couldn't help it, when he called with his solution, I cried, said good-bye and haven't answered the phone since. It's too hard to talk everyday, all day and i need to move on, so I am going to try NC.
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