Ally Boo Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Ok, I'll try to be brief. I met a guy online 1.5 years ago. I've done this before- meaning, be with someone online- in real life, so there are certain difficult things that I have expected all along. However, there are a few added difficulties: 1. He's like 10 years younger than I am. 2. He's never really been in a relationship before. 3. I'm from the deep south and he's from NYC, so the way we interact with each other and others, differs significantly. The age thing hasn't been that big of a deal honestly. I've dated guys my age that weren't nearly as mature as he is. The problem is that since I am older, I have a lot more experiences in life in general, and now that he's here, he somehow doesn't listen to what I say anymore. An example is: When we were looking for an apartment for him, he was convinced things had to go down a certain way..and those ways would have seriously made things a lot harder. To me, he had no reason to not listen to me because he had never even moved in his life- and the apartments he'd lived in with his family, he'd lived in his entire life. I, on the other hand, have lived in countless apartments. Not only that, but he's in my town and I can help him with the situation... but I am met with debates and arguments about my suggestions, on his behalf. I talked about it last night and we decided that maybe it was because he feels like he's always right and I feel like I am always right, so we just keep butting heads. Honestly, it's NOT that I feel like I am always right, but when I have something to say, he refuses to listen and just argues more about whatever I say. I know it's hard on him to be here. He's used to being able to jump on a subway and go where he wants. He doesn't have friends here yet really, and I'm doing my best to introduce him to people- plus he has a job now so that should help. He's learning to drive so he can get himself around and not depend on me so much. I know it sucks to have no independence when you move to a new place like this. He's very arrogant to the point it's almost condescending. I don't know if it's just taken that way because it's not "socially acceptable" to be so brash, or if he's just naturally ass-holish. Even my dad made a comment about how he's very arrogant and I know he's offended my father by this behavior. It's gotten worse this week. I got a ticket and instead of the normal "damn that sucks" attitude, he didn't offer one ounce of consolation and told me to get over it because I was wrong. Yesterday, we were getting ready to leave for somewhere and I was getting dressed. I stopped to literally scratch my ear, and he said that I needed to hurry. So, last night, I asked if we could go on a date, in hopes of having a good time to overshadow some of this. Well, he fell asleep while I was putting makeup on and then he got all upset about us not leaving until 2 hours after we decided to go somewhere. It's stupid and I told him that there was no way he was seriously upset over my letting him sleep- when it's not like we had to be anywhere at any particular time. Maybe it's my fault somehow. I did get kind of controlling when he got here...meaning I basically got him an updated haircut and told him he needed different clothes (it's so hot here and he had no shorts). I don't know. Maybe we just need a break from each other.
pandagirl Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I've lived in NYC for the last six years (originally from CA) and I am sure that moving from NYC to the South was a huge cultural shock for him, and maybe part of his behavior is adjusting to the big change. People born and raised in NYC have a certain arrogance/attitude that NYC is the only worthwhile city to live in the world. It's a bubble. Talk to him about it. He shouldn't be picking fights with you, but you also said you were being a little controlling. Both of you should ease up to help the transition.
Author Ally Boo Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 We went to my parent's house shortly after writing this, so when my parents asked how our week was, I told them... in a very playful way. We all ended up laughing at it by the end of the conversation. It didn't occur to me, until my mom was answering his questions about why nothing is black and white with girls. I forget that he has been primarily around boys and apparently he thinks girls are black and white. Poor guy might want to go back to NYC after that news. LOL
sb129 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Sounds like he feels waaay out of his comfort zone, and as a result is compensating by trying to mark out his territory in any way he can rather than admit it.
SeraBella Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 People born and raised in NYC have a certain arrogance/attitude that NYC is the only worthwhile city to live in the world. It's a bubble. This is so true. I had a roommate in college from NYC, and she never grew out of that attitude. Everything in NYC was better than the city our college was in...even stupid things like the traffic was supposedly better. She seemed so miserable that I couldn't figure out why she didn't just move back and transfer to a school there. I decided that NYers like having something to complain about, and she liked feeling "above" the rest of us. It's probably a NY thing, but it's still jerky. I'm sure a lot of it is discomfort, too. I hope it improves with some time. In the meantime try to pick your battles with him, I guess.
porter218 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 That is why I can't date men from NYC. I was never able to get over the arrogance. Tried it before but it just turned me off BIG time.
sb129 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I would like to respectfully disagree- maybe New Yorkers are like that in the US, but we have just had a couple of friends who are New Yorkers visit us in London, and they loved it here and thought everything here was great (even the things that we hate about it!) The only thing they didn't like was how expensive everything is here for them, and who can blame them for that?
sb129 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Having said that, I am not a native Londoner, and Londoners have a reputation elsewhere in the UK for thinking that London is the centre of the universe.
melodymatters Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Yeah, i'm from NY, and lived right in manhatten for 4 yrs. the guys ARE more rude and pushy, and far less gentlemanly than southerners. BUT, having said that, he sounds like kind of a pain in the azz, and they grow them all over the world, and at all ages !
sb129 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 BUT, having said that, he sounds like kind of a pain in the azz, and they grow them all over the world, and at all ages ! They sure do. Amen to that sister!
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I've never dated a NYer but have dealt with them plenty of times through business. I find both genders generally more aggressive than other parts of the U.S.. On the otherhand, you can't mother him. If he wants to pick his own apartment, he should be able to do so with no interference. This is on the assumption that you're not cohabitating. I would back off and let him be who he wants to be so he can get his own bearings. You can't make it right for him.
Shygirl15 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I once dated a New Yorker who moved to Washington DC, and that was also a big change for him. He was nowhere near arrogant or rude, infact he acted very gentlemanly all the time. I think your BF is a big time jerk, really. There's no excuse for that.
porter218 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I would like to respectfully disagree- maybe New Yorkers are like that in the US, but we have just had a couple of friends who are New Yorkers visit us in London, and they loved it here and thought everything here was great (even the things that we hate about it!) The only thing they didn't like was how expensive everything is here for them, and who can blame them for that? Actually, that really isn't disagreeing. I feel the same way about men from London, they are very similar to men from NYC. One of the men I tried to date from NYC loved London, he tried to convince me to travel there with him. That center of the Universe attitude doesn't fly with me. I am from the south so it just doesn't work.
jerbear Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 NYer's but more NYC'er The rest of the state is not like that. New Yorkers tend to be more aggressive and we have to! It is a dog eat dog there, if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. NY'ers do many things big and with an edge that does not exist at other places. Everything has to be done yesterday, everyone has to be on their toes and the top of their game; otherwise they're yesterday's news and unemployed. Yeah, sounds like your BF is itching to goto a bigger city if not back. Just let him do his own thing and the NY'er is in him and you really can't get it out of him. You can't change his method or mentality.
Tomcat33 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 . The age thing hasn't been that big of a deal honestly. I've dated guys my age that weren't nearly as mature as he is. The problem is that since I am older, I have a lot more experiences in life in general, and now that he's here, he somehow doesn't listen to what I say anymore. WOAH WOAH Nelly!! That sounds like you hit the nail on the head right there. This guys is 10 yrs younger than you, you say he's not immature but that you have a lot more life experience than him and then you tell us that he does not listen to you anymore!?!? What is he supposed to listen to exactly? You can't make this guy live on your thoughts and decisions, he is an individual with his own mind and ideas and you have to respect that. If you want to stop the power struggle you have to let him make his own decisions and make his own choices and be supportive the best way you can, even when you don't agree. As long as they are not decisions that will hurt you or the relationship LET him make his own mistakes and figure things out on his own. Stop mothering him. You are killing the attraction for this guy, and pretty soon he will start to see you like his mother not his g/f. Even if you know all the ins and outs of your city and you let him know what you know and he STILL wants to move into a place you don't think is right for him, you LET HIM do that. He is not your son, he is not your student he is your boy friend and he has his own mind and power of choice. If you say he is mature, then start showing him that you actually believe that. Everytime you argue with him on things he wants to do his way and you want it done another way is a time you are saying to him in your actions "I don't have confidence in your maturity level OR your strength to make the right decisions" and this sends a very strong negative message to a man. To anyone for that matter.... But in this case in particular where he already might feel intimidated by the fact that he has to be as mature as you are it makes it really hard for him. This is what is triggering a whole chain of unrelated smaller arguments that boil down to a power struggle, his underlying resentment stems from the fact that you are making him feel inferior. Bite your tongue and let him decide for himself, if he screws up you will be the first to know since he will be more open to discussing his mistakes if you let him choose and never say "I told you so"
sb129 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Actually, that really isn't disagreeing. I feel the same way about men from London, they are very similar to men from NYC. One of the men I tried to date from NYC loved London, he tried to convince me to travel there with him. That center of the Universe attitude doesn't fly with me. I am from the south so it just doesn't work. The centre of the universe thing doesn't fly with me either- I am not from London OR NYC, although both cities are amazing places, and I have loved my time (6 years) in London, its most certainly not the centre of my universe! We leave here to return to our home country in 3 weeks time, and I doubt if most Londoners could point to it on a map! And the people from the largest city there think THAT is the centre of the universe.... I think Tomcat had some very valid points about the age difference too. Perhaps if there was JUST an age difference or JUST a location thing it would be OK, but the combination of the two just isn't a good one. (and that he hasn't really had much R experience either...)
Author Ally Boo Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 WOAH WOAH Nelly!! That sounds like you hit the nail on the head right there. This guys is 10 yrs younger than you, you say he's not immature but that you have a lot more life experience than him and then you tell us that he does not listen to you anymore!?!? What is he supposed to listen to exactly? You can't make this guy live on your thoughts and decisions, he is an individual with his own mind and ideas and you have to respect that. If you want to stop the power struggle you have to let him make his own decisions and make his own choices and be supportive the best way you can, even when you don't agree. As long as they are not decisions that will hurt you or the relationship LET him make his own mistakes and figure things out on his own. Stop mothering him. You are killing the attraction for this guy, and pretty soon he will start to see you like his mother not his g/f. Even if you know all the ins and outs of your city and you let him know what you know and he STILL wants to move into a place you don't think is right for him, you LET HIM do that. He is not your son, he is not your student he is your boy friend and he has his own mind and power of choice. If you say he is mature, then start showing him that you actually believe that. Everytime you argue with him on things he wants to do his way and you want it done another way is a time you are saying to him in your actions "I don't have confidence in your maturity level OR your strength to make the right decisions" and this sends a very strong negative message to a man. To anyone for that matter.... But in this case in particular where he already might feel intimidated by the fact that he has to be as mature as you are it makes it really hard for him. This is what is triggering a whole chain of unrelated smaller arguments that boil down to a power struggle, his underlying resentment stems from the fact that you are making him feel inferior. Bite your tongue and let him decide for himself, if he screws up you will be the first to know since he will be more open to discussing his mistakes if you let him choose and never say "I told you so" Hmmm this has given me some things to think about.
kizik Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Tomcat, that was one of the most well-written, insightful posts I've read about mothering and power struggles in relationships. It perfectly described the way my ex constantly undermined my choices, and tried to live my life for me. One of the best posts I've read on LS, period. I did get kind of controlling when he got here...meaning I basically got him an updated haircut and told him he needed different clothes (it's so hot here and he had no shorts). If I were him, I'd be pissed. You "got him" a haircut? You "told him" he needed new clothes? Do you think he's so stupid that he doesn't know it's hot outside? Frankly, you sound like a pain in the as* who thinks she knows everything. My ex is just like you - think she knows what is best for everyone. You posit ideas under the guise of "helping," when in reality the only thing you're helping is your own ego: your well-groomed, well-dressed BF is a reflection of your own good taste, thus elevating you to "mature" and respected by those in your little town. Highly narcissistic. Back the hell off this guy, for Christ's sake. You are going to drive him away. And I won't blame him for leaving.
Tomcat33 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Tomcat, that was one of the most well-written, insightful posts I've read about mothering and power struggles in relationships. It perfectly described the way my ex constantly undermined my choices, and tried to live my life for me. One of the best posts I've read on LS, period. Thank you Kizik. I have had some experience in this matter, when in a relationship I tend to encourage my partner to make their own decisions and encourage them to follow their instincts about things. As I appreciate the exact in return. Naturally in a relationship you rely on each other for advice and you can discuss options and what is best but ultimately the choice has to be individual, and part of loving is learning to support your partner's choices even if they wouldn't be yours. Accepting our partners as an individual can be hard to do sometimes. Hmmm this has given me some things to think about. I'm glad you are open to thinking about it Ally, your boyfriend just moved away to be with you and this should be a very exciting time for the two of you. Let him shine on his own terms even if you have to bite your tounge to prevent a snippy comment or criticism on how he does things. He will be far more receptive to your suggestions and your insights if you inspire him rather than "correct him". Inspiration can only be had when we accept the other exactly as they are. When you inspire someone you make them feel loved and attracted to you so they will want nothing more than to improve in every way to please you even more.
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