Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I think you do love your b/f. I also wonder if you're not in love with your b/f.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i love him. and i am in love with him. i don't at all question that. ( and with respect to sex, i want to have sex with him but i am afraid of the inimacy and what it means to me: possibility of hurt. i crave and am afraid of it at the same time). does this make sense to you? it's all kind of confusing. but, by your yardstick, how do you know you're in love with someone?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 yes, we do every other thing besides sex. im not at all self-conscious. the problem is actually the fear of getting hurt. i know he won't hurt me but i'm afraid of opening myself to the possibility of hurt by love. i think tony has it right. but i'm willing to hear more opinions. and tbf, yours is very interesting and scary... the part where i don't actually love my bf... also, i don't know if this has to do with not being able to orgasm. i love the intimacy we have when we engage in intimate acts (barring sex), but i can't cum. i think it's due to anxiety and not being able to relax and open up. he's awesome but i just can't. EVEN ON MY OWN. i can't. Are you perhaps afraid that he might not be the one? Beings raised in a traditional family, I have seen alot of my cousins getting married to their first bfs. Nobody just sleeps around for fun or for casual dating, if they're with the guy, they're expected to marry them.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i am not afraid that he might not be the one. i know i'm young. i also know that he may not be the one. i know that we both (19, and 20 respectively) have so much ahead of us. i know that eventually we may not end up with each other. i know that i am in love with him. and that yes, we may not last. but i know that i will forever fondly treasure what we have/ had. i don't know if this makes sense. i tend to link sex and future together. i.e. i want to have sex with someone i will have a future with. but it's not that i don't think that we will have a future. but the future scares me because thinking about it and envisioning it brings about bad karma (from my POV) and i don't want it to plague our relationship. i've seen it time and time again (esp. on LS) i.e. talking about future pressures the relationship/ directs the course of the r/l... and ultimately brings it to its demise. and im scared of that happening.. afraid of jinxing my r/l.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 i love him. and i am in love with him. i don't at all question that. ( and with respect to sex, i want to have sex with him but i am afraid of the inimacy and what it means to me: possibility of hurt. i crave and am afraid of it at the same time). does this make sense to you? it's all kind of confusing. but, by your yardstick, how do you know you're in love with someone? If you're convinced it's just fear of making love, just face it and get it over with. Losing your virginity is no big deal, especially when you're in love with your b/f. It creates a far greater intimate connection. The physical aspect is how I know I'm in love with someone. It's like the last cautionary. If I want them unconditionally, it means that all emotional ports are wide open, receptive to give and take. I can be attracted to someone but not be in love with them. It most def. doesn't mean that I want them. When head, heart and body are all lined up, you know it's right and have zero need to question any aspect of it. One more thing to consider. What's your upbringing, in reference to having premarital sex? Are you being held back due to it?
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i'm asian and really, premarital is just kind of 'wrong' in my family context. i am quite open-minded about it but i have to admit that the pre-marital sex is not good conception is relatively rooted in me. sigh.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Okay, then I question if this is a real intimacy issue or simply cultural conditioning. If this is your belief, why fight it? Do you understand what I'm trying to do here? In order to understand yourself, you have to break it right down into what it really is.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 well i hate to admit this but i really don't know what my beliefs are. i can be very open-minded and i can be very close-minded at the same time. the issue of sex may be owed to this conflict between wanting to be open-minded and conservative cultural conditioning. drawbacks of being a gemini? yes, i am really quite torn with this. how should i deal with this? should i even deal with this? but yes, i do have intimacy issues and if you've read my earlier posts, i think it's quite apparent in my behaviour. afraid to get hurt/ afraid of getting close to people even bf and it's not because i'm not in love with him/ afraid to appear weak and vulnerable to friends and new people because i am scared of getting hurt, amongst others. i guess i have to find some ways to tackle these problems. yes, i want to reinvent myself. so that i fare better in my r/l and personal/ social life. i am scared of getting hurt, scared of not being viewed as perfect and weak so much so i build an emotional fortress. thank you so much tbf. it's really really helpful.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You're getting too wrapped up in all the issues at one time. Break it down. We're discussing issue #1, sexuality. Look, I was raised in a practicing Christian family where premarital sex was a no-no. I didn't lose my virginity until I was eighteen with my first love. At the time, I didn't have any doubts that I wanted him, regardless of my upbringing. I rejected the ideal because it wasn't my real belief. What was my real belief was that you don't sleep with someone who you're not in love with. The tail end of my relationship with my first love reinforced this personal belief aka foundational belief. While the actual act of sleeping with someone you no longer love was physically satisfying, after it was over, it felt so empty compared to how it felt when I was in love with him. That's when I knew it was over. Basically, you have to learn to understand yourself and be willing to risk what rings true to you. Fighting what rings true to you will only make you unhappy. Don't have sex with your b/f if it's not what you want whole-heartedly. Don't do it for him because this isn't about him. It's about you and living the way you need to live, to maintain your self-respect.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i want to have sex with someone i will have a future with i.e. someone i will eventually marry. before marriage/ after marriage, doesn't matter. but it must be with someone i will have a future with. it's not that i don't think i won't have a future with my bf. i want a future with him. however, i have this preconception that discussing about future and all that will bring about bad-karma and ultimately jinx the r/l. and so i am averse to even thinking about the future with him.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 i want to have sex with someone i will have a future with i.e. someone i will eventually marry. before marriage/ after marriage, doesn't matter. but it must be with someone i will have a future with. it's not that i don't think i won't have a future with my bf. i want a future with him. however, i have this preconception that discussing about future and all that will bring about bad-karma and ultimately jinx the r/l. and so i am averse to even thinking about the future with him. Okay, now we're getting somewhere!!! Let's pretend that your b/f proposed to you. Would you still be conflicted?
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Let's pretend that your b/f proposed to you. Would you still be conflicted? not at all. and i can say it with certainty.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 not at all. and i can say it with certainty. Okay. Do you feel this is a true belief within you or simply cultural conditioning?
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 cultural conditioning would mean being against pre-marital sex. i am not against pre-marital sex. i am all for exploring sexuality before getting married. it saddens me to see couples dealing with sexual compatibility issues in marriages. however, i truly believe in having sex with someone i will have a future with. not only with someone i love and in love with, you know. i.e. there must be concrete plans to get married/ have a future. yes, i truly believe in this. ( but i also know it sounds really conservative and i've always been deceiving myself that i'm really liberal because i have this view that being liberal equates to independence/ strength. this is crazy i know.)
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 cultural conditioning would mean being against pre-marital sex. i am not against pre-marital sex. i am all for exploring sexuality before getting married. it saddens me to see couples dealing with sexual compatibility issues in marriages. however, i truly believe in having sex with someone i will have a future with. not only with someone i love and in love with, you know. i.e. there must be concrete plans to get married/ have a future. yes, i truly believe in this. ( but i also know it sounds really conservative and i've always been deceiving myself that i'm really liberal because i have this view that being liberal equates to independence/ strength. this is crazy i know.) Okay, this is good!! So why are you fighting your belief system?
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 so, it's really ok to think this way? is this belief system selfish? i feel so bad for my bf. he's young and should be experiencing awesome things in his youth like sex. i don't want to drag him down with my conservative stance. i mean he's 20 and still a virgin. i love him so much that i would rather break up with him for him to have a fulfilling youth. i know it sounds screwed up but it's true. i want the best for him- he's in his prime.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 so, it's really ok to think this way? is this belief system selfish? i feel so bad for my bf. he's young and should be experiencing awesome things in his youth like sex. i don't want to drag him down with my conservative stance. i mean he's 20 and still a virgin. i love him so much that i would rather break up with him for him to have a fulfilling youth. i know it sounds screwed up but it's true. i want the best for him- he's in his prime. Your beliefs are your beliefs for something as important to you, as this. If your b/f claims it's selfish, ask him why he hasn't done anything concrete to make you feel like you have a future together. If I were you, I would just lay it out for him but not as an ultimatum but as something that you strongly believe in. Your body is your own! Fighting a core belief is counter-productive.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 he didn't claim it's selfish. i just know how much he wants it and after 3.5 years, my goodness! i just feel for him, you know. i know how it is for with some people and sex. his parents have been together since 16/ sexually active since 16 (abortion involved), his brother also sexually active since 16. and he's 20! it's just that he has a vastly disimilar cultural conditioning and it makes things very hard. i am empathetic. i know how he feels... and i feel bad for believing in my vastly different ideals. does it mean that if i truely love him, i will have to sacrifice my belief system? does it work this way? i love him... ALOT really, but i am really apprehensive about disregarding my belief system.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Your beliefs are your beliefs for something as important to you, as this. If your b/f claims it's selfish, ask him why he hasn't done anything concrete to make you feel like you have a future together. If I were you, I would just lay it out for him but not as an ultimatum but as something that you strongly believe in. Your body is your own! Fighting a core belief is counter-productive. he didn't claim it's selfish. i just know how much he wants it and after 3.5 years, my goodness! i just feel for him, you know. i know how it is for with some people and sex. his parents have been together since 16/ sexually active since 16 (abortion involved), his brother also sexually active since 16. and he's 20! it's just that he has a vastly disimilar cultural conditioning and it makes things very hard. i am empathetic. i know how he feels... and i feel bad for believing in my vastly different ideals. does it mean that if i truely love him, i will have to sacrifice my belief system? does it work this way? i love him... ALOT really, but i am really apprehensive about disregarding my belief system. I've bolded the things that are applicable.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 i will talk to him about it. tell him how i feel about things. and see how it goes. thank you tbf. you have been really helpful. i've been fighting my belief system and that's why i was so conflicted.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Good luck ahaha! If he truly loves you, he'll be understanding and patient. The risk is that he won't be patient but then, how selfish is he being?
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