ahah2322 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 i now know full well that i have a fear of intimacy. this is why i was afraid to get into a relationship with him ( after only 1 year), to hold his hands, to hug him, to kiss him ( after one year plus too) and to be intimate and have sex with him (we haven't yet engaged in sex after almost 4 years together). i dare not get close to him because i love him so much and this opens myself up to the potential of so much hurt. but the irony is that i love being intimate ( crave intimacy) and that i am hurting right now. the relationship is strained and it's all because of my fear of intimacy. im scared of showing affection, of being caring of sharing how i truly feel. I dont have problems with friends and family members... but with my bf cos he has the potential to hurt me bad ( and the weird thing is, i know he won't). this is just too much drama... and yes, i have talked to him about breaking up because i'm just incapable of being in a relationship. he was furious with the drama and me being a quitter. it's true i'm just being a quitter. it would be so much easier to walk away from someone i love, rather than to be with someone i love. then i will go back to being the cold, insincere, perfect person. and deep down, i know i'm messed up, know i'm so imperfect. i look like a strong person who has her **** together. my strength comes from being guarded rather than from true emancipation. i don't like to appear caring, affectionate because this would equate to me looking weak, or at least through my abominable perception. i am sociable in the superficial sense, always want to be the best in terms of everything i do because to not be so is to be weak, always place emphasis on looking amazing and up there. the showing of weakness will mean that i'm open to getting hurt. i am also not the nicest person. i act insincere. i act insensitive. because i want to appear as strong and as independent but deep down, i'm hurting so bad. so bad. when all i really am is this really sincere, sensitive and nice girl who's just so scared of failing and getting hurt that i build up these defensive walls. i want to stop feeling all this. it's very grave and the symptoms are manifested in my relationships not only with my bf. how can i do it? i don't know how... i really don't. please help. i am so scared of being weak and getting hurt and intimacy will break down these walls of protection. and so i resist it. when all i really really want is intimacy. it's contradicting right? yeah, i know im messed up. i don't know what to do. so any help will be very much appreciated. thank you. i can't live like that anymore.
Nemo Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 You're very young, so you should be patient. Sooner or later, you'll decide to take a chance. Only you will know when the time is right. Anyway, I really have no idea. All I know for sure is that Johan will know exactly what to do. That dude rocks.
gummybear Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Are you still a virgin? I know for myself I was scared of initmicacy as well (though not to your extent). One day I met a guy who I finally trusted to have sex with and he became my bf and treated me well and he loved me, but I felt soooo vulnerable having given him my virgnity that I'd be truly hurt or scared of him leaving me over the most trivial things (like if he doesnt call me back right away if I call him, etc...stupid, I know). Our entire relationship got ruined because I was so insecure. Anyway, I was most scared because he was my first. But with guys after that, sex didn't become that important anymore in the sense that at least they weren't the ones who took my virginity from me. The short answer is, I seeked therapy and it really helped me to sort myself out. I think you should seriously consider therapy as it can change your life so much for the better.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 yes i am a virgin. but this is something that delves deeper than virginity. it's how i'm feeling. i'm 19, coming of age, or maybe even of age. i don't know about counselling... because it's not something really THAT serious like depression or self-mutilation. and gummy, mine is probably more serious than yours. it's not only with my bf, it's with everything i do. but still your advice is valuable. how did you help yourself get through this? JOHAN, where are ya?
Nemo Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 it's not only with my bf, it's with everything i do. Can you give an example? You're not just the sort of person who can't make a decision, or commit to something? JOHAN, where are ya? I'm pretty sure that he's close to coming. Maybe he's had a bit too much Guinness, and it's taking a little longer than usual. Don't worry, he'll be along soon to put out.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Ahah, you have to learn to love yourself. Your insecurity might have stemmed from awkwardness during puberty ( I know I was) but it does take a bit of time to mature emotionally and learn to open up. You're still 19, you're in no hurry to lose your virginity. If you're fearful of intimacy, try taking small steps with your bf, like holding hands or kissing without going all the way. If you rush into having sex, without coming to terms about your insecurities first, then you might find yourself suffering from wanting to be in ANY relationship with anyone.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 i'm scared of getting close to people. with my bf, with friends. i'm scared of showing who i really am because it means that i will show that i'm not a strong person. i don't tell people and share with people my problems. my fears. i don't care for people and show affection. it's basically the stuff down there. i look like a strong person who has her **** together. my strength comes from being guarded rather than from true emancipation. i don't like to appear caring, affectionate because this would equate to me looking weak, or at least through my abominable perception. i am sociable in the superficial sense, always want to be the best in terms of everything i do because to not be so is to be weak, always place emphasis on looking amazing and up there. the showing of weakness will mean that i'm open to getting hurt. i am also not the nicest person. i act insincere. i act insensitive. because i want to appear as strong and as independent but deep down, i'm hurting so bad. so bad. when all i really am is this really sincere, sensitive and nice girl who's just so scared of failing and getting hurt that i build up these defensive walls. thank you nemo! i'm sure johan is coming soon I've read his thread about the fear of intimacy and that's when i realized that it applies so much to me. mine maybe more grave.
Tony T Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 ...i dare not get close to him because i love him so much and this opens myself up to the potential of so much hurt. but the irony is that i love being intimate ( crave intimacy) and that i am hurting right now. the relationship is strained and it's all because of my fear of intimacy. im scared of showing affection, of being caring of sharing how i truly feel. I dont have problems with friends and family members... but with my bf cos he has the potential to hurt me bad ( and the weird thing is, i know he won't). this is just too much drama... BREAKING NEWS - Dateline, the real world. Love can be hell, it can hurt like getting run over by a train...no, actually worse. When you get run over by a train it's all over....when love hurts, it hurts for a long time. That's its nature and you're not going to change it. You can stay balled up in your protective cocoon and never experience the great things that love has to offer because you don't want the crap aspects of it....or you can just get out there, open up and take your chances. Those are the ONLY two choices you have. Now, before I go on I'd like you to go and read an excerpt from the classic book The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on what he has to say about love. Take your time and come right back here: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5484/Gib02.htm OK, what he said was written about 80 years ago...they had the same problems as you are having way back then. Now, the little trick. Love objects can ONLY hurt us if we give them the power to do so. In love, we do surrender that power. But if they pull the plug, we simply close our eyes and withdraw the power we gave them...emphatically. If you withdraw the power you gave out, you won't hurt nearly so bad. People and things like love can ONLY hurt to the extent that we give them the power to do so. So now, the only problem you have now is deciding whether to be brave like the majority of people who put their butts on the line to see what love may bring...or you can be a coward and suffer a loveless, empty life that, as Gibran states, "...if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears." So which will it be...love or living just part of life. Love is not for cowards. Good luck and peace!
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 yes, I'm pretty much a coward in everything I do. it's more apparant in love. i think it's owed to the fact that i've been very much 'sheltered' all my life from the 'real' world. great advice tony- thank you. the passage was apt and thoughtfully penned. I want to open myself up to all aspects of love- the bliss and the devastation. i want to be human. i know it will take a long time to change. do you guys have any specific idea how? sorry if this sounds lame. maybe i just require some support.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 yes, I'm pretty much a coward in everything I do. it's more apparant in love. i think it's owed to the fact that i've been very much 'sheltered' all my life from the 'real' world. great advice tony- thank you. the passage was apt and thoughtfully penned. I want to open myself up to all aspects of love- the bliss and the devastation. i want to be human. i know it will take a long time to change. do you guys have any specific idea how? sorry if this sounds lame. maybe i just require some support. Start being more social? What you lack is confidence. Learn to open up, even if its not relationship related, start being open about hobbies and whatever, then build up from there.
kizik Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Love objects can ONLY hurt us if we give them the power to do so. In love, we do surrender that power. But if they pull the plug, we simply close our eyes and withdraw the power we gave them...emphatically. If you withdraw the power you gave out, you won't hurt nearly so bad. This is an excellent point, well-supported by literature (which, sadly, I have not read). I think when Tony talks about withdrawing the power, one thing he is talking about is simply not giving attention to the person who hurt us so badly. This attention is mostly found in thinking. Thinking about them, all the good times, what they may be doing, who they may be dating. Anything you want to add in concrete terms, T? As far as tips on "withdrawing the power"? I am very interested. You're a smart guy and I'd like your input, too, on how to REALLY get over my ex.
forrest Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I dont know if this is going to be a good suggestion or what, but I am just throwing it out there so be forewarned: Start out by showing a little bit of intimacy with your bf. So next time you see him, say give him a hug and hold him for 5 seconds. If you can do this, then reward yourself with say your favorite food or favorite activity. If you like chocolate for example, then reward yourself with a piece. If you happen to fail, then don't each chocolate for like a week. Once you are able to do the above, increase it. Next time hug him for 10 seconds, then 15 seconds (dont get too overboard otherwise it will be awkward when you hold him for half an hour). If you are able to do the above, reward yourself. Rinse and repeat. Increase this to kissing, then petting then finally sex (if u are ready).
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 ahah, I think you need to break down your fear into a few categories:Fear of sex and what unknowns it can bring.Fear of allowing people to see who you really are - self esteem issues.Fear of loss, which could result from #2.Once you do this, while #2 is a much larger issue, perhaps you can tackle each issue since it's in smaller bite size pieces. I would also breakdown #2, after you've conquered #1.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 hey tbf, so i should try to conquer my fear of sex first before the rest?
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I only suggest this because sex is one of the easiest to conquer when you're truly in love with someone! I guess the question is, are you truly in love with your b/f?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I only suggest this because sex is one of the easiest to conquer when you're truly in love with someone! I guess the question is, are you truly in love with your b/f? I disagree after having sex with my ex, im emotionally traumatized...
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I disagree after having sex with my ex, im emotionally traumatized... Were the two of you in love? Was this your one and only sexual experience? Why are you traumatized?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Were the two of you in love? Was this your one and only sexual experience? Why are you traumatized? Because i gave him my virginity and i realized I didn't love him... After having broken up with him, looking back on the sex, i find it pretty repulsive...
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I only suggest this because sex is one of the easiest to conquer when you're truly in love with someone! I guess the question is, are you truly in love with your b/f? Because i gave him my virginity and i realized I didn't love him... After having broken up with him, looking back on the sex, i find it pretty repulsive... I've requoted myself. Refer to the bolded text.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Ahaha is trying to reinvent herself as a person. In order to effectively handle anything as overwhelming as this, you have to break it down into bite size pieces. I'm not convinced that ahaha is in love with her b/f, at least from the perspective of romantic love. She's been with him for years and yet... More than anything, it sounds like she loves him more like a sibling or close friend through familiarity, that he spoils her and that he helps with her self-esteem issues. What she may find is that if she works on issue #1 in a self-evaluating/honest fashion, she may find that issue #2 needs to be dealt with first, therefore wish to break it down into bite size pieces and begin working on the easiest issues to address. Once she's had a few successes, the rest will be easier to combat.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Ahaha is trying to reinvent herself as a person. In order to effectively handle anything as overwhelming as this, you have to break it down into bite size pieces. I'm not convinced that ahaha is in love with her b/f, at least from the perspective of romantic love. She's been with him for years and yet... More than anything, it sounds like she loves him more like a sibling or close friend through familiarity, that he spoils her and that he helps with her self-esteem issues. What she may find is that if she works on issue #1 in a self-evaluating/honest fashion, she may find that issue #2 needs to be dealt with first, therefore wish to break it down into bite size pieces and begin working on the easiest issues to address. Once she's had a few successes, the rest will be easier to combat. I understand where you're coming from. But even with sex they can't rush it. She might be uncomfortable being completely naked in front of her bf... or something like that.
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I understand where you're coming from. But even with sex they can't rush it. She might be uncomfortable being completely naked in front of her bf... or something like that. The easiest way to conquer the fear of self-consciousness, is to face it. If she hasn't matured enough to make love with her b/f, is this really a fear? Once again, self-analytics.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 hmm ok. this is all very confusing. tbf, why do you think i don't love my bf? i love my bf, to the best of my knowledge. i love being with him. i love intimacy with him. i am just scared of intimacy itself- regardless who it's with. how do you know when you love someone? really?
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 hmm ok. this is all very confusing. tbf, why do you think i don't love my bf? i love my bf, to the best of my knowledge. i love being with him. i love intimacy with him. i am just scared of intimacy itself- regardless who it's with. how do you know when you love someone? really? If you have to ask whether you're in love with someone and I do mean in the romantic sense, you owe it to yourself to analyze why you "think" you might be in love. There's a difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.
Author ahah2322 Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 yes, we do every other thing besides sex. im not at all self-conscious. the problem is actually the fear of getting hurt. i know he won't hurt me but i'm afraid of opening myself to the possibility of hurt by love. i think tony has it right. but i'm willing to hear more opinions. and tbf, yours is very interesting and scary... the part where i don't actually love my bf... also, i don't know if this has to do with not being able to orgasm. i love the intimacy we have when we engage in intimate acts (barring sex), but i can't cum. i think it's due to anxiety and not being able to relax and open up. he's awesome but i just can't. EVEN ON MY OWN. i can't.
Recommended Posts