madgun68 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I've never really posted my story before and to be honest.. I'm really not sure why I'm posting now. I think maybe I'm just disappointed with the decision I had to make today although I just didn't see any other option. Brief history: I work at a convenience store, which is how we met. (She was a customer.) She broke up with me in November 2006. I was VERY needy and clingy for about a month until this behavior led to a complete breakdown of communication. I tried to apologize later, but we just couldn't be civil so I gave up. I did leave a blog post directed to her that I would not initiate contact, but she could do so if she wanted to. In March/April 2007 she stops by the store and we have been talking sporadically ever since. Finally, after a bunch of things have happened, and me never being able to figure out what type of interaction she wants between us (and she never telling me) I sent her a message on myspace telling her that I no longer want contact between us. I just want these "things" to stop happening and I want to stop trying to figure her out. I'm not going to list everything that has happened, but here are a few examples: She would always leave me hanging.. I cannot even remember all the various stories she would start to tell me and never finish, but there have been a lot of them. Sometimes, in messages, I would ask about them and it would be a coin toss if I were updated on the event or not. Many things I just gave up on. She, at one point, went out with one of my co-workers at least once, probably more than that. Originally, I heard about it from one co-worker.. Then another. Finally, the guy in question starts talking to me about her. CONSTANTLY. I wouldn't even engage him in these conversations. He'd just bring them up. They eventually happened less and less frequently, but he'd often start up after she'd been in the store. At first, I was a little ticked about the fact that she would choose to date someone I worked with.. Remember.. This is a convenience store. This isn't just someone in the same building. I literally worked mere feet from the guy. What really bothered me most of all, however, is just that I was privy to it all and I didn't want to be. I never mentioned it, however, as I didn't want to give him the notion that it bothered me in the slightest. I would not allow someone to have a hold over me like that. Something similar to this has happened recently too. Only this time, it happened to involve one of the semi-regular customers in the store. As my luck would have it, one of my co-workers wanted a second job.. And wound up working with my ex. Anyway, this guy gave the ex his phone number, and has come in to the store on several occasions complaining to my co-worker about how he hasn't been called. Once again.. The sticking point with me is that I am a party to a topic that I want no part of. (I said nothing this time either.) Another danger in all of this is that, while my love for her has gone, my attraction to her has not. I am no better off as this still leads me to question her behaviors.. and there has been plenty to question over the last year or so. I guess another thing that gets me is this.. I've only looked at her profile on myspace twice this year.. and both times, I've been left with the feeling that this is a person I don't even know and that's the shame of it all. We dated for a mere two months.. She is a stranger to me and this will never change. Honestly, at this point.. I really think some of these things are going to continue regardless as to whether or not she comes in the store. My only real option at this point is to find a new job, but until that time comes.. Us not having any contact once again seems to be the only solution to put all this to rest. At times this has felt like some kind of karmic retribution.. Like I've done something bad enough that warrants this happening to me.. Or that the universe is just playing some kind of sick joke. The thing is.. I gave up on reconciliation ages ago.. I was just hoping at some point that we could be better friends. Sometimes, I guess, even asking for very little is still asking for too much.
Geishawhelk Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I sent her a message on myspace telling her that I no longer want contact between us. I just want these "things" to stop happening and I want to stop trying to figure her out. This was a good start. ....At first, I was a little ticked about the fact that she would choose to date someone I worked with.. Remember.. This is a convenience store. This isn't just someone in the same building. I literally worked mere feet from the guy. ...And this is where you begin to ...'Lose the plot'.... If you said the first thing, above, then why is this bothering you. She thinks you severed ties (which you did.( She has her own life. But you're letting whatever she does, get to you. Who it is, where they are , is immaterial. She could have chosen to date your brother (just for example...) but that is her choice. Nothing to do with you.... I never mentioned it, however, as I didn't want to give him the notion that it bothered me in the slightest. I would not allow someone to have a hold over me like that. Well, that's BS. becuse it did bother you, and it has got a hold on you. Only it's not them, doing it. it's you. .. The sticking point with me is that I am a party to a topic that I want no part of. (I said nothing this time either.) Then that's your issue. It's nobody else's doing. It's your choice to not say anything. Only, you're letting it get to you anyway..... Another danger in all of this is that, while my love for her has gone, my attraction to her has not. I am no better off as this still leads me to question her behaviors.. and there has been plenty to question over the last year or so. Again, this is your problem. Stop questioning her behaviour. She's out of your life, it's none of your business. You both tried a relationship, it didn't work. Why are you hanging on to this? I guess another thing that gets me is this.. I've only looked at her profile on myspace twice this year.. and both times, I've been left with the feeling that this is a person I don't even know and that's the shame of it all. We dated for a mere two months.. She is a stranger to me and this will never change. And your point is....? Honestly, at this point.. I really think some of these things are going to continue regardless as to whether or not she comes in the store. My only real option at this point is to find a new job, but until that time comes.. Us not having any contact once again seems to be the only solution to put all this to rest. No, your solution is to stop giving a damn about something that doesn't concern you any more. She's clearly moved on. You haven't. This is your problem, and it's self-made..... At times this has felt like some kind of karmic retribution.. Like I've done something bad enough that warrants this happening to me.. Or that the universe is just playing some kind of sick joke. karma has nothing to do with this, in the sense that it's some kind of retribution. Karma is a non-judgemental process. It doesn't condemn or choose to sentence people to misery. You're tslking to a buddhist, here, so I know something about this. Karma is a mentally-generated and produced process. It's like Life is a lemon. You can either choose to suck the lemon, or make lemonade out of it. The choice is yours. The thing is.. I gave up on reconciliation ages ago.. I was just hoping at some point that we could be better friends. Sometimes, I guess, even asking for very little is still asking for too much. You can't be bnetter freinds until you drop your issues. you confess you're still attracted by her. This is why freindship is off the cards. because for you, the whole thing is still a big deal. The Universe is making perfect sense. I'm afraid, right now, it's you who doesn't.... Back off, let go, live your own life. Chill, enjoy, look elsewhere. In a nutshell.
Author madgun68 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Before I go off defending myself, there are a couple of things I'd like to make clear so there is no misunderstanding. First of all, in the letter I wrote her, I took full responsibility for what I was asking. I told her that I wasn't angry.. and I'm not. That I just didn't know what else to do. My feelings have not changed.. and short of finding another place to work, what other option did/do I have? I also, months ago, told her where I stood on the matter. I wanted to be honest and give her the option of declining my friendship if she so chose. I have NOT, however, asked for any sort of reconciliation since we began talking again nor did I make it a point to discuss the past R. Matter of fact, I have not brought it up once. The only thing I have asked is that she be upfront on what she wishes as far as how we interact and she has never told me. Is that really asking for too much? To give you an example of what I mean.. I was blogging about some strange pains I was experiencing in my arms. She sent me a letter telling me that it was something similar to what she went through and gave me advice on the matter. She mentioned that she was willing to talk about it if I wanted so I did ask questions regarding the matter and suddenly she just stops responding.. as if you were talking to someone on the street and they just suddenly turn and walk away. And that is always how our conversations in messages wind up. In one of our last conversations, she asked how I was and what was new with me. I told her and asked her the same question. Again.. No reply. If she doesn't want us to speak via that medium, is it asking a whole lot for her to just say so? I haven't been trying to have deep in-depth conversations.. Just thought maybe we could catch up from time to time as I thought friends do. There is a lot more to this than what I have written. I really didn't want to make a huge production out of it, but I have always tried to be honest with her. And it certainly wasn't easy for me to ask for NC at this point.
Geishawhelk Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Ok, Fine. But I think you're still making too big a deal of this. You need to just drop it, cease contact, cease trying so hard, and move on. You seem to be making most of the openers. If she's not responding, it could be any number of things, from awkwardness, to bad manners. Who knows? it's never easy, advisable or even a good thing to try to second-guess someone's words or actions, when there's no consistency. Your best bet is almost to put yourself into the mindframe that 'nothing ever happened', and stop trying to analyse and work everything out. Let it go. In the big scheme of things, it's probably not ever going to figure as one of the most important or significant episodes in your life..... try to figure exactly why this should be such a big deal... If you have any difficulty coming up with a snap, coherent and immediate answer - then that's your answer. shrug it off, move on. It really IS that simple.
Author madgun68 Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 I've been meaning to get back to this but have been pretty busy.. Ok, Fine. But I think you're still making too big a deal of this.It seems like I'm making a big deal out of those issues because that is all I wrote about. Most of the stuff that has left me puzzled have been times when she's acted strangely in the store.. And there have been plenty of those. You need to just drop it, cease contact, cease trying so hard, and move on. You seem to be making most of the openers. If she's not responding, it could be any number of things, from awkwardness, to bad manners. Who knows? it's never easy, advisable or even a good thing to try to second-guess someone's words or actions, when there's no consistency.I have been the one who usually initiates contact outside of my workplace. Up until this last one a few weeks back, I hadn't sent her anything since January. It is definitely not bad manners.. And I just can't see it being awkwardness at this point. What is there about general chit-chat (which never really seemed to be a problem when she dropped by the store) that is so awkward? As far as ceasing contact, well, that's what the purpose of my last message to her was for. Seeing as most of contact has been when she drops by my work, though, I may just need to say that I don't want her even dropping by.. Which is something I NEVER would have imagined myself saying. Your best bet is almost to put yourself into the mindframe that 'nothing ever happened', and stop trying to analyse and work everything out. Let it go. In the big scheme of things, it's probably not ever going to figure as one of the most important or significant episodes in your life.....Ya know, it would be a lot easier to think along the lines of 'nothing ever happened' if it weren't for the way she's been acting. That's the problem. try to figure exactly why this should be such a big deal... If you have any difficulty coming up with a snap, coherent and immediate answer - then that's your answer. shrug it off, move on.I guess the only way to understand it is by example.. This is something that happened last September or so. I'm at one of the counters talking with a mutual friend who used to drop by quite often. She comes in and suddenly says at one point 'I love you' and repeats it shortly there-after. Now, the friend and I are a couple of feet apart, and there was no real way of judging who she was directing that too. Me, I'm assuming that is was directed to him because my thought is that she has moved on long ago. And yet.. The look on his face was expressionless and he said nothing.. Like she wasn't speaking to him either. Or.. I started growing a beard several months ago.. She comes in one day and while in line, says "What.. Not enough hair on your head you have to grow some on your face?" I thought it was funny but don't recall if I laughed or not. Anyway.. She gets up to the register and suddenly she can't look at me. Her eyes are darting around everywhere so she doesn't make eye contact. There are also a few things that happened after that too. Which goes back to what I was saying before.. Seems like every couple of months or so, something happens regarding her in some way. Been like that since we split. It really IS that simple...And I'm hoping it gets to the point where it feels that way. Even if I have to take this another step and just say I don't want to see her around the store either. I kind of figured that I wouldn't see her come in after sending the message saying I wanted there to be no interaction between us.. But I was wrong. She was in on my Friday. I just made myself scarce.. I thought about it.. and I know I told her I was willing to discuss the matter, but I don't really see a point. What good would it do now? There really isn't anything between us worth salvaging which making discussing anything a rather moot point. Oh.. And a final note.. another huge factor in this.. Sometimes, her actions lead me to think that maybe she's interested in me and I (thinking about her like I do) am half-inclined to ask her out. Then there's the whole message thing which suggests the complete opposite. I think that we're both better off staying the heck away from each other.
Geishawhelk Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 ....I think that we're both better off staying the heck away from each other. Which, in a nutshell, is exactly what i've been telling you. Glad to know we agree.... Good luck in moving on!
Angel1111 Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I think you do still love her because of the amount of attention you devote to this, and the degree to which it still gets to you. I will say that I think this stuff about NC is totally unnecessary. If you don't want to talk to someone, then don't. Why does an announcement have to be made? To me, the only reason to do that is to bait the other person. Are you looking for a response? If she never finishes a sentence with you anyway, what's the point? I'm sure she'd notice at some point that you haven't been talking to her and she'd figure it out for herself. I just think it's better not to say anything, do what you need to do for yourself, and let everyone else live their lives.
Author madgun68 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I think you do still love her because of the amount of attention you devote to this, and the degree to which it still gets to you.I don't.. But I'm sure those feelings aren't far from the surface. I wish I could explain it.. But with her it's like I'm a moth to drawn her flame. I'm drawn to her and I don't know when/if this will change. Perhaps it's because, on some level, it's like being rejected all over again.. Except this time my friendship isn't even good enough. I don't know. I will say that I think this stuff about NC is totally unnecessary. If you don't want to talk to someone, then don't. Why does an announcement have to be made? To me, the only reason to do that is to bait the other person. Are you looking for a response? If she never finishes a sentence with you anyway, what's the point? I'm sure she'd notice at some point that you haven't been talking to her and she'd figure it out for herself. I just think it's better not to say anything, do what you need to do for yourself, and let everyone else live their lives.Heck, I don't even want NC. I just don't see there being any other way around it.. I hate the idea of being rude to her and that is what NC is to me. But I can't think of any other option. I mean, she was in the store yesterday.. Acting like nothing has happened. I guess my only option now is to tell her she needs to shop someplace else. Last night was just bad.. But not just because of her. But that didn't do much to help matters.
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