bones1 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I believe that dating and mating is a basic human instinct. We should not have to learn how, over think, act, or have such a hard time. I believe that there are millions of suitable mates for each and every person, if you seriously want to have a significant other, wife, or family, and be happy in the process. Or, are we completely unique individuals that can only be happy with the perfect one for us? In which we must date hundreds of people for years to find that "one"? People in arranged marriages are statistically happier, divorce less, and truly love whom they are with in most cases. That is due to their mindset and expectations. They view each other as humans, partners, and learn to love if they have to. I feel just about any 2 people can love each other (similar age, attractiveness, morals), if they were put together. Being from the same culture also helps. From reading these boards, you can tell how completely messed up we are when we choose. And even people who find the "one", usually end the relationship in divorce. Why does it matter whom you meet, when most likely they have walls up? Perhaps they have superficial lists of criteria nobody can meet, and they use this as a defense mechanism. Or they date for 3 months, then turn into a cold fish as they have intimacy issues. Or they pick people out of their normal age range on purpose, so as to not get too close. Or they are drawn to people whom embody the negative aspects of the relationship they had with their parents, and will never truly be happy. Or they feel they can always do better. Or maybe they become "bored" once together, and miss the thrill of the chase. These days my "list" contains not on drugs or an alcoholic, my age or less, my race or ethnicity, not obese, no kids. I don't feel that is much. However, that is even rare these days. Maybe 5% of the American female population would fit that. So, if someone could arrange a marriage for me, with a woman who simply meets the above criteria, and has a "normal" mindset and is not completely screwed in the head from bad experiences, I would be pretty content. I would leave all the heartache, picking, seeking, finding, choosing, and losing to everyone else.. Whats more important? Actually being with someone? Or spending a life alone waiting for some perfect person? From seeing how much crap people put up with in the partners they CHOOSE, and are completely horrible to them, I am guessing the former. Did happily married people magically meet the one? Or did they simply have a different, more simple mindset on the role of a partner, the forgiveness of "imperfections", and weren't scarred which actually let them be able to embrace intimacy?
Nemo Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 That's an interesting post, and I thank you for it. However, I think that you think way too much. Remember that no relationship is perfect, but some get really, really close.
Geishawhelk Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 To answer your question? Your Mindset. And what Nemo said.
pandagirl Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Mindset. I've realized as I've gotten older that no matter how much love/passion there is between two people, if they don't share the same views on relationships, it will never work out. There is no such thing as "the one."
Tony T Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Marriages had a much better chance some years back when life was simpler, people had morals and didn't spend a lot of time analyzing their partner or prospective partner's every word and action. Today, people look for the fireworks...which can happen most often with the WRONG person. Once the sizzle is gone, many people realize they are with a dud. Many people misrepresent themselves, lie, cheat, etc. Maybe because of our times (the media, drugs, politics, economics, etc.) people are more likely to change dramatically over time. The person you love today is probably not going to be the same in a year or two. You may change as well...and in an opposing direction. You just never know. The majority of people are out for themselves...out to please themselves...and aren't bashful about letting you know. Some of that is good. But relationships between two parties, at least one of which is selfish and self centered and uncompromising, is doomed to failure. It's a lonely world out there these days.
pandagirl Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Marriages had a much better chance some years back when life was simpler, people had morals and didn't spend a lot of time analyzing their partner or prospective partner's every word and action. Today, people look for the fireworks...which can happen most often with the WRONG person. I think this sort of attitude goes hand-in-hand with younger generations, especially. My parents are on the older end of spectrum. My mom had me when she was 39 and my dad was 41. They had a hard time growing up, being in internment camps during WWII (they are Japanese) and lost everything they had. When I was growing-up and I wanted new toys, or got bored with all my video games, my mom would always say: "You should just be grateful and happy with what you have instead of wanting more!" I think this is a good motto for relationships, too.
CaliGuy Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I think in the US people are insatiable. It's an instant world here. People want things right away and their expectations are often lofty. So much so that people, such as me, end up being 39, single and never married. Are my expectations too high? I didn't think so before but maybe they are. Who knows. When I do find someone I like, the relationship usually ends up failing because I sometimes can get too impatient. Much like what you said in the first post, we need to learn to be more patient, accepting and understanding.
Yamaha Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 We live in a disposable society in which if things don't work out you don't get it fixed, you just get a new model. It is definitely the mindset. If you listen to most people who have been single for awhile their number 1 answer is they will not settle. I think with this mindset they are doomed to failure as no one is going to be good enough to satisfy them. There is no "one" person to complete you. You just have to find someone that is willing to try and make things work between you. People put so much stock in the passion. I am not saying this is not important but that is not all you look for in a mate. You need some physical attraction but it is the personality of the person you fall in-love with not the facade. Obviously we are doing something wrong because the divorce rate keeps climbing so we need to re-evaluate how we look at relationships. We are not all so different that we can't get along but we have to be willing to try and that is the biggest hurdle.
Author bones1 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Cali, have you traveled abroad? If you did it would open your eyes up to how different cultures date, and what is important. I can't blame American women, but it seems to be the culture we have, or what it has evolved into. The idea of building a life with a man seems to be replaced by finding a man who has everything, then wants to share it. It seems as men and women become more independent of each other, they raise the bar on what they think they deserve in a mate. Some sort of entitlement attitude.
pandagirl Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I think in the US people are insatiable. It's an instant world here. People want things right away and their expectations are often lofty. So much so that people, such as me, end up being 39, single and never married. Are my expectations too high? I didn't think so before but maybe they are. Who knows. When I do find someone I like, the relationship usually ends up failing because I sometimes can get too impatient. Much like what you said in the first post, we need to learn to be more patient, accepting and understanding. I think it's important to have standards and expectations, but often times we focus on what's *missing* or if there is something better out there, rather than focusing on what we have. Learn to appreciate, accept and understand!
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