whateverwillbe Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I am a female. I am having a hard time. I have recently seperated from my husband for 1/2 of my life. I wanted the separation. I am not regretting that, but I am still crying. I am in my late 40's and don't want to grow old alone. I am not necessarily looking to get married again, but I am wanting someone to grow old with, a male who is a good friend would be fine, even if they don't want to get married again. Just a male partnership..a best friend, someone to go have fun with. However, these are my wants......I am crying because I don't think I will find this type of relationship. I don't want to start feeling this way. I don't want to think that my decision was a mistake, just because I am lonely and having a problem with it. So here are my ????'s. How do I find friends that are also divorced with kids to do stuff with. Does anyone know about divorce support groups? Have they been helpful? I need some single parent friends in my town to hang out with----big married community. Any suggestions on how to go about this? Anyone have luck, or do they tend to be just big sleezy meetings with everyone just wanting to be slutty? I am interested in long term friendship types. Any help or suggestions on how I can meet these goals would be appreciated.
Curmudgeon Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I am a female. I am having a hard time. I have recently seperated from my husband for 1/2 of my life. I wanted the separation. I am not regretting that, but I am still crying. I am in my late 40's and don't want to grow old alone. I am not necessarily looking to get married again, but I am wanting someone to grow old with, a male who is a good friend would be fine, even if they don't want to get married again. Just a male partnership..a best friend, someone to go have fun with. However, these are my wants......I am crying because I don't think I will find this type of relationship. I don't want to start feeling this way. I don't want to think that my decision was a mistake, just because I am lonely and having a problem with it. So here are my ????'s. How do I find friends that are also divorced with kids to do stuff with. Does anyone know about divorce support groups? Have they been helpful? I need some single parent friends in my town to hang out with----big married community. Any suggestions on how to go about this? Anyone have luck, or do they tend to be just big sleezy meetings with everyone just wanting to be slutty? I am interested in long term friendship types. Any help or suggestions on how I can meet these goals would be appreciated. Welcome aboard the Land of Enchantment Divorce Ride here at the Not-So-Magic Kingdom! Now SLOW DOWN! Divorce is NOT the end of the world, nor is being in your 40s, late or otherwise. You may want to start with Parents Without Partners. You may not want to start at all for awhile. I know that I hibernated and lived like a monk for over two years following my divorce. It was quite beneficial. By the way, I was 48 when it happened and had been married 25 years - more than half my life. Guess what! I survived and things have been fine ever since. I think you need to worry less about process and more about coming to terms with the major changes in your life. The rest will fall into place when the time's right. Go easy on yourself. Late 40s isn't old. There's someone out there for you. It just might take a bit of time for him to find you. Take care!
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 As CLion has pointed out take a deep breath and chill out. Your mind is magnifying the situation way beyond the way that it actually is. I'm 51 and have been divorced for over 18 years and not really looking to get married nor shacking up. My idea relationship would be a LTR monogomious relationship with someone who has their place, and is self supporting and more or less independent. We could go out and do things together and what other couples (i.e. married couples). I actually got this from my Mom, ("What do I need a man to cook and clean for?") who's been with the same guy for the last 25 years. They go to the beach, fishing, out to eat ~ what have you. When she gets tired of him being around, or gets on her nerves, she just tells him, "Go home, I'll call you." There are a lot of decent guys out there ~ had other obligations, responsibilities that in finally want to get married in their late forties and fifities. They had parents to take care of , or were married to the carrers. (Gen. Swartskoff of Dessert Storm Fame didn't get married until he was 48) You shouldn't be so focused about being single and alone for the rest of your life ~ just focus on getting to your new "normal" and what works for you. Don't worry, be happy!
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 I am not so focused on being alone. It is however part of my concern. My biggest concern is meeting up with some new friends right now. I need some who are in simular situations, divorced with kids, to go out and do some things with, or simply get together. I just want a support type friendship group.
Gunny376 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I am not so focused on being alone. It is however part of my concern. My biggest concern is meeting up with some new friends right now. I need some who are in simular situations, divorced with kids, to go out and do some things with, or simply get together. I just want a support type friendship group. That's not going to be a problem ~ just live your life. Go to dances (not clubs, there are plenty of places where you can go to dance and even take your children) Go to church Volunteer Go back to college just to learn Join clubs Go to ballgames that your children. You just need to get out and circulate. Opportunties are everywhere!
iluvpink Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Hi there whateverwillbe I'm in a similar situation. My H left me 15 weeks ago and he was supposedly depressed and have since found out he is having a midlife crisis. He has now come back to earth and 15 weeks ago I would have taken him back in a heart beat funny how time changes our thinking. Whilst he has been off playing around I've found my first job in 10 years and am having a life again and loving it. I'd still like that someone special in my life but don't want to get married again. I'd just like someone that I could feel close to and bond with to have fun, travel, go out for dinner, movies, camping, beach, get fit, etc etc etc. I miss the physical side of things so much but don't ever want to lose my independence again. I just hope I find someone that will treat me as an equal but am worried because I am 44. My motto is "if it's meant to be it will be". I'm still working on my self esteem but I feel more like I finding the real me again every day which is the best feeling I'd just like that someone special again. Best of luck in your endeavours - lets hope we find want we need. Take care
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 Thanks for your replies. I ended up finding a site for single parents. It really does look (on the surface) to be just what I am looking for. Single parents who want to go out with kids. Just a group who is looking to get out with people in similar situations, like me.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 That's not going to be a problem ~ just live your life. Go to dances (not clubs, there are plenty of places where you can go to dance and even take your children) Go to church Volunteer Go back to college just to learn Join clubs Go to ballgames that your children. You just need to get out and circulate. Opportunties are everywhere! Great advice. After my divorce, I met my future wife in the activities I was doing just trying to stay busy - sports, things with my son, etc. Trying to find the next Mr. Right carries with it the scent of neediness and desperation - just relax and be yourself, good things will come... Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I am a female. I am having a hard time. I have recently seperated from my husband for 1/2 of my life. I wanted the separation. I am not regretting that, but I am still crying. I am in my late 40's and don't want to grow old alone. I am not necessarily looking to get married again, but I am wanting someone to grow old with, a male who is a good friend would be fine, even if they don't want to get married again. Just a male partnership..a best friend, someone to go have fun with. However, these are my wants......I am crying because I don't think I will find this type of relationship. I don't want to start feeling this way. I don't want to think that my decision was a mistake, just because I am lonely and having a problem with it. So here are my ????'s. How do I find friends that are also divorced with kids to do stuff with. Does anyone know about divorce support groups? Have they been helpful? I need some single parent friends in my town to hang out with----big married community. Any suggestions on how to go about this? Anyone have luck, or do they tend to be just big sleezy meetings with everyone just wanting to be slutty? I am interested in long term friendship types. Any help or suggestions on how I can meet these goals would be appreciated. WTF? question is why so long in the sepeartion?
Curmudgeon Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 WTF? question is why so long in the sepeartion? What part of, "I have recently seperated from my husband for 1/2 of my life." are you having trouble comprehending? She didn't wait half her life to address the issue. She was married to if for half her life.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 What part of, "I have recently seperated from my husband for 1/2 of my life." are you having trouble comprehending? She didn't wait half her life to address the issue. She was married to if for half her life. Oh my bad I didnt understand it at first. damn. but she stil didnt answer my question in the first place.
Curmudgeon Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Oh my bad I didnt understand it at first. damn. but she stil didnt answer my question in the first place. LOL! Easy mistake to make. I've done worse!!!
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Oh my bad I didnt understand it at first. damn. but she stil didnt answer my question in the first place. You are an a$$. WTF??? What don't you comprehend? I was married for 1/2 my life to a man that I am now separated from. I am now in a world of feeling a little lonely. Everyone I know is married. So I am wanting to get out of my little circle and meet others. So excuse the f*** out of me for feeling a little lonely and posting so. Should I have stayed in a bad marriage, just for the security of not being alone? So to appease you? I was just asking how to go about getting through my time of loneliness. I have never had to do that. I have seen you on this board, while I was a lurker. Do you come here just to piss off everyone? Or do you have a purpose? I have yet to see anything postive, except that you just admitted you were wrong.
TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I'm sorry you're lonely. I hope you find something fun to do.
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 I'm sorry you're lonely. I hope you find something fun to do. Thank you. I was really having a hard time with it last night. I feel better today. I am guessing I will go through many emotions and this one will show up again. Just glad there are people, like you, who are caring on this forum.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 You are an a$$. WTF??? What don't you comprehend? I was married for 1/2 my life to a man that I am now separated from. I am now in a world of feeling a little lonely. Everyone I know is married. So I am wanting to get out of my little circle and meet others. So excuse the f*** out of me for feeling a little lonely and posting so. Should I have stayed in a bad marriage, just for the security of not being alone? So to appease you? I was just asking how to go about getting through my time of loneliness. I have never had to do that. I have seen you on this board, while I was a lurker. Do you come here just to piss off everyone? Or do you have a purpose? I have yet to see anything postive, except that you just admitted you were wrong. First of all you come off very defensive. You say you was a lurker before you posted so you seen my posts and whatever. whathave u. I am abrasive, to the point and very logical. I dont have much tact when it comes to things but my methods do have positive results and I have helped many people believe it or not. WTF is your problem? I just asked you a simple question and YET HERE YOU ARE HAVING ONE OF YOUR FREAKING PMS MOMENTS SO SORRY YOU FEEL SO LONELY!!!! SO SORRY YOU HAD TO LEAVE A BAD MARRIAGE, THERE ARE ALOT OF OTHER THINGS MANY PEOPLE WENT THROUGH THAT WAS A WHOLE LOT WORSE. ...now that' that's outta the way maybe we can conduct ourselves in a civilized manner. I just asked why you left. all you had to do is explain why you left so I can get a broader understanding of where you are in life, was that so hard.
Gunny376 Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 "WeWB" CD is actually a pretty good guy, IMHO, a bit blunt at times, but a good guy. Anyway getting back to the problem at hand, first off I would suggest that you first get yourself a box. That's right a box. Then go through your house and collect up any and all cards, letters, pictures, sentiments etc and put themm in the box. This should be from the important (actually anyone) in your Life that has shown appreciation for you being you, for something that you've done for them or someone else. Also put in those things that you've accomplished in your life. In other words, any and all postiive things that have happened in your life. When you find yourself getting the "blues" or blahs, break out the box and go through it. You won't have the "blues" for very long. Next, you should acquire at a minimum of two hobbies ~ one for inside and one for outside. Just a suggestion ~ knitting for inside, perhaps golf or tennis for outiside. (You get the idea ~ it could be anything ~ gardening, etc) Get over the habit of being part of a couple and force yourself to go out and do things alone. Do simple things, like going out to eat by yourself. Going to watch the Little League play, watch a socer game, etc. The first friend you've got to make is yourself. That's right you've got to get comfortable with living in your own skin. You've got to be friends with yourself before you can be friends with anyone else. You've got to like yourself, before you can expect someone else to like themselves. I had saved the Montgomery Advertiser life section because they had listed some books about being a woman and living single. But, I left it at work. You might want to Goggle the 13 July edition to get the titles of the books on the subject. A good book (in paperback no less) is "The Art of Living Single" Learning how to be happy and single is a work in progress and you have to work at it.
SingleDad Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 whateverwillbe - There are good people on this site who have lived through these rough times. Some are too quick to recommend dating other people before you are ready to do so - so I won't. Don't worry about dating - it will happen when it is meant to happen. A friend told my one is not ready to date again until they can go the entire 3-4 hour date without ever mentioning your Ex. My thought is to focus on your kids and their interests. You are likely to find other friends in your kids' friends' parents. It is likely that you have recently been focusing on your situation with your STBXH. Now focus on your relationship with your kids - they will always be your kids. Your H will not. Take your kids out to dinner or a carnival, etc. And when your kids are with your STBXH, do things for yourself that you enjoy. You may also find someone doing the same things you enjoy doing and build a friendship. At least that is what people are telling me to do... I too am still getting over the shock of new life as a separated dad. (I should change my handle to SeparatedDad - but at the time I signed up, I thought my divorce was emminent). Again - do thing you enjoy and do things your kids enjoy and forget the Ex. Good luck.
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 Thanks for your advice Gunny and single dad. I have been so busy, that I really haven't had time to think about what I was feeling all sad and lonely about the day I wrote my thread starter. Which is a good thing. I actually don't want to date for a while. But when one is not used to having someone around, it can make me feel lonely at times. Which get the wheels turning in the ole brain about growing old alone. I guess I just wrote, because I don't want to start thinking I was better off in a bad marriage than being alone. Glad I am working through that one!
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 WTF? question is why so long in the sepeartion? First of all you come off very defensive. You say you was a lurker before you posted so you seen my posts and whatever. whathave u. I am abrasive, to the point and very logical. I dont have much tact when it comes to things but my methods do have positive results and I have helped many people believe it or not. WTF is your problem? I just asked you a simple question and YET HERE YOU ARE HAVING ONE OF YOUR FREAKING PMS MOMENTS SO SORRY YOU FEEL SO LONELY!!!! SO SORRY YOU HAD TO LEAVE A BAD MARRIAGE, THERE ARE ALOT OF OTHER THINGS MANY PEOPLE WENT THROUGH THAT WAS A WHOLE LOT WORSE. ...now that' that's outta the way maybe we can conduct ourselves in a civilized manner. I just asked why you left. all you had to do is explain why you left so I can get a broader understanding of where you are in life, was that so hard. Perhaps it is the way you do come off being abrasive. I don't pms and I take offense to that remark. Just because I am defending myself, I am pms-ing? What is your excuse? I just think that you have a problem with women who need to leave a marriage. I never said that people have not gone through a lot worse. I know they have. But that doesn't mean I am not having a hard time. Is this site only for those who think they have had it the crappiest? If not, you shouldn't post? Does the reason I left really matter? It certainly wasn't because we were blissful. If I just hated him, would I not get the same advice? Or perhaps if he cheated on me? Or would go out drinking at all hours? Or perhaps verbally abusive to myself and my children? Or what if I was the one who had an affair? Or he left me for a younger wife, because I was used up? If you ask me, none of the above really matters if it is why we are separated. My whole purpose was how to deal with the loneliness I was feeling. I will be civilized, unless I feel I am being attacked when not warranted. Perhaps I took it as a slam, because of the way you said it. Do you have hostility toward people who leave marriages? Honestly? If you say no, perhaps you should read some of your posts. Or perhaps those you have claimed to help, are those who have been left, only. Because you were. If that is where you are coming from, then I feel bad for you. Because someone has hurt you so bad, that you can not feel for others who are having pain different from you.
Gunny376 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 whateverwillbe, a good book for you to have, in coping with being single and when you find yourself with time on your hands is "2002 Thing To Do On A Date, From Fun, Sometimes Silly, Romantic, To the Unique" by Cyndi Haunes and Dale Edwards. Its not so much a book you read, as is a list of different things to do, go and see. And don't let the title throw you, you can go on a "date" with anyone your children, friend, a girl friend. Granted some of them are more appropiate for romantic encounters, but a lot of them could be non-romantic.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Perhaps it is the way you do come off being abrasive. I don't pms and I take offense to that remark. Just because I am defending myself, I am pms-ing? What is your excuse? I just think that you have a problem with women who need to leave a marriage. I never said that people have not gone through a lot worse. I know they have. But that doesn't mean I am not having a hard time. Is this site only for those who think they have had it the crappiest? If not, you shouldn't post? Does the reason I left really matter? It certainly wasn't because we were blissful. If I just hated him, would I not get the same advice? Or perhaps if he cheated on me? Or would go out drinking at all hours? Or perhaps verbally abusive to myself and my children? Or what if I was the one who had an affair? Or he left me for a younger wife, because I was used up? If you ask me, none of the above really matters if it is why we are separated. My whole purpose was how to deal with the loneliness I was feeling. I will be civilized, unless I feel I am being attacked when not warranted. Perhaps I took it as a slam, because of the way you said it. Do you have hostility toward people who leave marriages? Honestly? If you say no, perhaps you should read some of your posts. Or perhaps those you have claimed to help, are those who have been left, only. Because you were. If that is where you are coming from, then I feel bad for you. Because someone has hurt you so bad, that you can not feel for others who are having pain different from you. LOL... I never attacked you I asked you a simple question you took offense I fired back both barrels. Like I said it does matter. You dont fix a car if you dont know what's wrong with it!!! again there's alot of venom in your posts against me. I was never married and she didnt leave me, she cheated I kicked her to the curb simple as that. lol. Trust me I'm not the worse poster to visit your thread. I am actually a nice guy. I wanna hear the reasons you are by yourself like I said so I can analyze the situations completely and wholelly. What are you hiding? why are you being so defensive about it? Your having pain is not so different from other's pain. When you left your marriage you should have taken into account that your life wouldnt have been all roses. I'm not the one here pouting about being lonely. I'm by myself but I am content within myself. I dont need any validation or anyone to make me happy. I do that by myself. Say what you want. I am perfectly fine, how bout you?
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 whateverwillbe, a good book for you to have, in coping with being single and when you find yourself with time on your hands is "2002 Thing To Do On A Date, From Fun, Sometimes Silly, Romantic, To the Unique" by Cyndi Haunes and Dale Edwards. Its not so much a book you read, as is a list of different things to do, go and see. And don't let the title throw you, you can go on a "date" with anyone your children, friend, a girl friend. Granted some of them are more appropiate for romantic encounters, but a lot of them could be non-romantic. I will go see if I can find this on Amazon. I am always up to finding something fun and new. I will look at it with the non-romantic ideas for now. I really need to spend some time without any romantic involvement. Spend a little time healing myself and taking care of my children.
Author whateverwillbe Posted July 19, 2008 Author Posted July 19, 2008 LOL... I never attacked you I asked you a simple question you took offense I fired back both barrels. Like I said it does matter. You dont fix a car if you dont know what's wrong with it!!! again there's alot of venom in your posts against me. I was never married and she didnt leave me, she cheated I kicked her to the curb simple as that. lol. Trust me I'm not the worse poster to visit your thread. I am actually a nice guy. I wanna hear the reasons you are by yourself like I said so I can analyze the situations completely and wholelly. What are you hiding? why are you being so defensive about it? Your having pain is not so different from other's pain. When you left your marriage you should have taken into account that your life wouldnt have been all roses. I'm not the one here pouting about being lonely. I'm by myself but I am content within myself. I dont need any validation or anyone to make me happy. I do that by myself. Say what you want. I am perfectly fine, how bout you? I can't post what I am hiding. I knew it wouldn't be all roses. So I took some time posting it here. Thought that is what this site was for. Glad you are content within yourself. So do you want to share why "she" cheated on such a great guy? Or was she just not a nice person? Many people who cheat are missing something in their relationships, that they seek elsewhere. It is easy to kick someone to the curb, when not married. However, if married and your spouse cheats, and children are involved, you sometimes have to look deeper. I know I have. What do you think of a woman who forgives the father of her children for having an affair? But as the years go on, realizes that the reason for the affair, is that no matter what - you can not make that person happy...they must be happy within themself (like you said). They spend their days looking at you to make them happy, plus many other substances added to the situation and you just don't have it in you anymore, that you realize you can't make them happy. You just don't have it in you, because of the hurt over the years. So you set them free, to find that person who you are not and can not be.
SingleDad Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 whateverwillbe - It seems clear you are in a lot of pain and anguish right now - we all have been there - many of us still are. You do not need to listen to everyone's advice - you may not like to hear some of the advice. Take the advice that you feel appropriate for you and your situation. Ignore advice that is not right for you - this is your thread and you can do what you want. My thought is don't focus on finding someone else to fill the void that is now in your life. Find something else instead. Do the things you like to do and learn to enjoy doing things on your own. When the timing is right, you will find someone doing the same interests as you. Participate in your children's activities - you will likely bump into other single parents.
Recommended Posts