thekid55 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 Has anyone ever felt that way before? Your partner breaks up with you and you feel powerless. You leave them alone and they come back which gives you a sense of power. Well, in my situation, I dated this girl for about 2 months before school ended. Things were fine heading into the summer, but some episodes with her crazy ex at home (she isn't interested in him) and her unwillingness to stop going to parties when she always left them upset pretty much ended things. She told me that I don't understand where she is coming from when she constantly leaves these parties at home, upset, flustered, or mad. I suggested to her that she not attend them as often and she viewed this as controlling. She goes with her girl friends to these parties and it always seems to be drama filled with her ex. Odd, I know. My view is that she is confused and I'm just removing myself from the situation to give myself clarity and for her to get straightened out. She was emotionally distraught after ending things with me. So after the breakup, I just played it cool. I've let her come to me. No neediness. No clinging. We broke up roughly a month ago. She called me about 2 weeks ago and we talked for a few minutes before I ended it. She emailed me tonight saying "Heyy xxxx, how are you? I haven't heard from you in awhile...hope things are going well"...I haven't initiated contact in over a month and I've only heard from her twice. I really don't think there is anyone else in the picture. I do know that she still goes to these parties, but it is only maybe once or twice a week since she is working now. I haven't responded to the email, but I do feel a sense of power. I know that this contact doesn't mean she wants to get back together, but what do you view this as?
motive2002 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 I've been in your situation before. Usually by the time I feel like I have the power it's because I've genuinely lost interest in the person that left me. I'd like to think it's indifference. They aren't a part of my life anymore and I'm no longer in pursuit. If they call, whatever. I'll be cordial and polite and keep busy with the rest of my life as it is.. without them. NC isn't a tool to get your lover back so much as it is a way for you to gain perspective and heal. Hopefully this power comes from the fact that you know there are better options for you. As far as the partying thing goes, I'm a little undecided on that. If she wanted to stop partying as much on her own accord, because she'd rather spend time with you, great. If you hound her about her activities, it can easily come off as controlling, or rather constrictive behavior. I'll have to credit 38 special for their words of wisdom.... Just hold on loosely, but don't let go If you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control Your baby needs someone to believe in And a whole lot of space to breathe in Corny maybe, but it's succinct and to the point. Don't suffocate. If she really likes you she'll give you more time than her friends or partying. Just some thoughts.
backto1 Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 She ONLY partys once or twice a week now? Was she really going to parties 3+ times a week before? In your position, I'd enjoy the power more than the 2 month relationship I had with some partygirl. I'm a little bitter at the moment though...
kyta Posted July 13, 2008 Posted July 13, 2008 An honest man can feel no pleasure in the exercise of power over his fellow citizens.
Author thekid55 Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 I don't think I meant that I'm going to hold it over her head. What I meant was, she didn't want the relationship and now she is coming to me, wanting to talk and ask me how I am now. I'm not going to be a doormat/pushover here and I will respond to her note in the next few days. backto1, from what I understand, before she had her job, which was when we had the problems, she would go out a few times a week to these house parties in her town which were filled with problems. Now, she only goes to maybe one a week since she works 5x a week.
Emmeline Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 It's as if the balance of power has shifted and now you are in the driver's seat. Some people are comfortable with that and some are not. A prior response to your post mentioned the word indifference. I believe that indifference is truly what you feel when you are over someone. I don't think that hate is the opposite of love, I think it's indifference. Are you at that point yet? If you can truly say that you are, then responding to her will probably not be a huge risk for you and if you want to, then go for it. But if there is any chance that you are still harboring any feelings for this girl, then do not respond to her. You do not want to risk losing all of the work that you've done to get to this point and start backsliding. I honestly do not know why some ex's return and some don't. There doesn't appear to be much rhyme or reason to how or when it happens or who does it. Speaking for myself only, the only times that I have ever been tempted to contact an ex (or have actually done so) have been after a breakup of a current relationship. It was sort of a way for me to lick my wounds and see if someone out there still wanted me. It wasn't a good thing to do and I've stopped doing it, although the temptation is still there sometimes. Best of luck to you and congrats on handling this situation well.
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